Carcass Merch Table Accepts Cash, Card, Medical Specimens

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BALTIMORE — British death metal titans Carcass are reportedly accepting cash, card, and medical specimens in exchange for merch at their live shows, mildly nauseated sources confirmed.

“This is a great opportunity for us to demonstrate our commitment to our image,” said frontman Jeff Walker. “We’ve been including gut-wrenching medical themes in our music for over 30 years now, and it just recently occurred to us to continue this approach in our merchandising. We’re Carcass, after all. Why shouldn’t we be accepting cerebrospinal fluid and sputum in lieu of cash? We’ve even replaced the earbuds in the plastic container on our table with medical tools our fans can use to extract their specimens.”

Concert attendee Ally Yeager expressed delight at the group’s new policy, and didn’t hesitate to avail herself of the opportunity.

“I almost completely exhausted my available funds on my ticket to tonight’s show, thanks to those bullshit Ticketmaster fees,” Yeager offered while rolling up her sleeve in anticipation of the upper-arm tissue sample she was planning on exchanging for a t-shirt. “When I saw that they’re now selling long sleeves with the uncensored ‘Symphonies of Sickness’ artwork, it was a no-brainer. They even have a little bottle of hand sanitizer that I can use to clean this scalpel before I start digging into my flesh. This is fucking awesome!”

Band manager Andre McNeal was decidedly less enthused about the new undertaking.

“This is all well and good for the fans who no longer have to shell out 25 bucks for a shirt,” McNeal sighed while donning a fresh pair of latex gloves. “But you really can’t overstate just how much of a hassle it’s going to be to lug these specimens from city to city. This is the first date of our North American tour, and our bus is already filling up with stool samples and vials of blood. Christ, I don’t think the band has even considered our Toronto and Montreal dates. How the hell are we supposed to cross the border with all of this? I’m all for the guys in the band getting creative with our merch sales, but I wish they’d cleared this with me first.”

At press time, fans were being drawn to co-headliner Deicide’s nearby merch table, which was offering a 20% discount to anyone willing to brand an upside-down crucifix into their forehead.

DNC Officials on Edge After Dave Matthews Parks Tour Bus Blocks Away From Convention Venue

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chicago asked for increased security after they learned Dave Matthews returned to Chicago with his tour bus and parked it just blocks from the United Center, multiple moderate sources confirmed.

“This is Code Red as far as I’m concerned. The Dave Matthews Band are responsible for one of the most heinous acts of terror this fine city has ever seen. We will not have a repeat of that under my watch,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “This city is still scarred by the Great Chicago Fire, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, and that time the Dave Matthews Band tour bus dumped gallons of feces off a bridge and right onto a boat. We are keeping a close eye on the bus, and we have Secret Service officers trailing all band members to get an idea of what their diet is looking like while they are in town. If anyone orders deep dish from Vicenzo’s then we will know they are planning something diabolical.”

Matthews assured people in the vicinity of the bus that they have nothing to worry about.

“Our elected officials are making average citizens complicit in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians in Gaza and it has to stop,” said the Grammy Award-winning musician. “I’m here to make my voice heard. And if the Democrats continue along this path then maybe I’ll eat a pint of ice cream and forget to take my Lactaid. After I’m done with them this time the 2004 incident will seem like nothing more than an innocent wet fart. I just hate to have to do this to a venue where Jordan dominated for so many years. But it’s what needs to be done.”

Political Scientist Eli Wrightford believes more celebrities should be standing up to push the Democratic party further left.

“If you have celebrities like Beyoncé and Taylor Swift just cosigning everything the Democrats do then the party brass will carry on with the status quo. We need these A-list celebrities to collect buckets of human waste and threaten to dump it over anyone that continues to fund the killing of innocent civilians in Gaza,” said Wrightford. “Dave Matthews is the only person brave enough to use his platform for good while also threatening to dump shit on people. I never thought I’d say this, but we need more people like Dave Matthews.”

At press time, Matthews was seen polishing off five Chicago-style hot dogs and washing it down with a black coffee.

The Top 20 Luxury Couches of 2024 Ranked by J.D. Vance

Posted on by Dan Rice

Hello, my name is J.D. Vance, and I am running for Vice President of these United States, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. Today, I want to talk to you about couches. Can I say that word? Couches? Is that offensive now? Has that been cancelled yet? I bet it has. Good grief. Anyway, I’m here to talk to you about couches. Wait, I already said that. HAHAHAHAHA! I love you guys. Anyway, I’m here to talk about couches.

I may come from humble beginnings but what’s the point of pulling yourself up from your bootstraps if you’re not going to enjoy, and I mean REALLY enjoy, the finer things in life? And is there any finer thing than a sofa? The answer is of course no, not on God’s green earth, sofas are everything, sofas are the reason we get up in the morning, sofas are why we maintain society to begin with.

2024 was a big year for couches. There are a lot of plushy new options on the market right now, and brother, I’ve had them all. I’ll say that again—I, J.D. Vance, have HAD them. All. I realize that not every American can afford to have their way with all 20 of the top luxury couches available today. That’s why I’ve gone ahead and ranked them, so that lower income families who can only get their fuck on with 3 or 4 luxury couches per year can make more informed choices. This is just some of what I can do.

20. Design Within Reach Nelson Marshmallow Sofa, $5,285

I mean, is this thing even a couch? Way to go Design Within Reach, you got so hung up on wondering if you COULD build a couch out of stools you never stopped to ask yourself “Where do you put the penis?!” Zero stars, an abomination, destroy it.

19. Eames Eames Sofa, $12,485

Here we go, another pretentious uggo fuckless wonder. It’s almost like Eames built this thing without fucking in mind at all. I don’t know what this growing trend in high end couch making is all about but these guys are trying to do to couch fucking what pantyhose did for finger banging and J.D. no likey! Awfully high price point for a couch with nowhere to park your hog.

18. Pasargad Home Vicenza Tufted Sofa, $2,075

Meh. Fuckable in an emergency, but its only available in hot pink. I have some serious moral reservations about nutting off in a couch so clearly in support of the gay agenda. If they offered an Oppenheimer variant I might rank it higher, but you reap what you sow Pasargad, and what you’ve sown is a couch that yes, makes Papa Vance cum, but also triggers my homophobia.

17. France & Son Terrazza Sofa, $3000

There’s nothing worse than an unfuckable couch (what’s the point?!) but personally, I don’t like my loungers to be too fuckable either. Look at this slut. All those folds and points of entry. She’s just too damn thirsty! If you’re the sort of couch fucker whose into the whole group thing maybe this one is for you but me? I’m a Christian.

16. Eternity Modern Little Sherpa Loveseat. $2,599

Love seat indeed! Now, the obvious drawback here is no creases, so you can’t, excuse my language, “fuck” this couch, per se, but dang, that sheepskin is FOINE. You’re limited to just heavy petting, sure, but with enough tenacity, you can make it happen. Take it from me, the guy who had to throw away a fully cum encrusted sheepskin loveseat and wants to be your next Vice President.

15. Sundays Wind Down 4-Piece Modular Sectional, $6,580

Spacious, a solid line of entry throughout in case you get bored with one spot (I get bored easily) and stain proof which you would THINK would be a huge selling point. Well, I don’t know what they use for couch stain proofing, but it chafes like a motherfucker. If you’re a minute man this might be a solid pick but your boy J.D. likes to wine, dine, and take his time when it comes to having sexual intercourse with furniture.

14. Audo Copenhagen Tearoom Sofa, $5,470

Okay, not the most fuckable couch in the world, but like, that’s kinda what makes it hot? She’s like a stuffy librarian, you just want her to take off those glasses and let her hair down. I don’t know, maybe I was in a weird mood when I tried her out but the psycho-sexual dynamic I established with this couch was intensely arousing.

13. Urban Outfitters Matilda Velvet Bean Bag Sofa, $549

Woooo lordy! We’re talking a serious brick shithouse right here! Bay thicc, and at $549 she’s cheap and dirty, and lets be honest, that’s what hits the spot now and then. A fun ride, but you don’t wanna get caught riding her fellas! Not like a lot of the other couches on this list, which you can be proud to get caught fucking.

12. Matthew Izzo Conrad Lounge Sofa, $2,898

This one’s no cheap date. The Matthew Izzo Conrad Lounge Sofa is sophisticated, complicated, a challenge to have sex with for sure but for those willing to take the time and put in the effort the rewards are well worth it. Simply divine.

11. Anthropologie Cecilia Willoughby Two-Cushion Sofa, $2,698

One thrust into either one of these two coastal design luxury cushions will instantly transport you to boyhood summers on the Cape. A fine couch to have sex with.

10. BluDot Sunday 65″ Armless Sofa, $2, 860

This stripped down design offers a zen like tranquility to your couch fuck sessions that can really help you find your center. I’m J.D. Vance, and I would like to be your next Vice President.

9. Andreas Engesvik The Tiki Sofa, $5,455

Not much for a dry run, but take it from ole J.D, you lube her up good she’ll treat you right 😎💦.

8. Hay Arbour 2-Seat Sofa, $3,146

A fine, well built, unpretentious fuck couch. Several points of entry, all worth mounting, but I recommend kneeling up on her dead center and pounding away while watching Progressive Insurance commercials on your phone for best results.

7. Homebody The Couch, $3,740

Not exactly re-inventing the wheel, or should I say the couch you have sex with because human women intimidate you, but a fine fuck couch perfect for the office or wherever you do your day-to-day meat-and-potatoes couch fuckin.

6. Article Sven Grass Green Sofa, $1,499

Something about this couch kinda reminds us of a grandma, but not like any old grandma, like a GILF. Hits nice when the mood is right?

5. John Mascheroni Chrome Sofa, $6,500

A nice sleek retro design, the kind of couch you can imagine Don Draper having sex with.

4. Rove Concepts Belia Open End Sofa

Whenever someone tries to tell me you’re not supposed to have sex with a couch, I show them a picture of Belia here. If God didn’t want us to be hitting that, he wouldn’t have given her all those curves! Just as sure as childless adults are sociopathic monsters, you’re going to have a great time fucking this couch.

3. Anthropologie Judarn Asymmetrical Serpentine Sofa, $3,998

Why is it called a “Serpentine Sofa?” Because as the snake was to Eve in the garden, this baby is tempting! Go ahead and TRY not having sex with this bad boy, you won’t last 5 minutes I promise you. It’s sleek shape, high quality material and lovely floral design will make you feel like you’re having sex with a magical forest.

2. Sarah Ellison Muse Sofa, $2,446

This one really blew me away, pun intended! See, your boy J.D. is smart, he’s got jokes, haha 😎🤘. Seriously though, what an experience. This thing has like totally changed my perspective on what sex between a man and a couch (being the only form of sex besides that between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation our lord allows) can be. You’re not just humping away at a sofa here boys, you’re making love to a piece of art. Take. it. in. And then get in it!

1. Crate&Barrel Monterey Modular 6-Piece Pit Sectional Sofa, $9,094

There she is boys, in all her glory. The great lady. I know you all think you know what sex with a couch is supposed to feel like, but take it from ole J.D, you have not had sex with a couch until you have had sex with the Crate&Barrel Monterey Modular sofa. At 6 pieces she’s a whole lotta lady, and the possibilities are endless. With such fine material and craftsmanship you’ll have years to explore her every which way, but for my money nothing beats a belly down, center fold, old school hump sesh pretending your mom could walk in at any second. If you can only afford to have sex with one luxury sofa this year make it this one.

Anarchist Makes It 3 Weeks into New Collectivist Compound Before Realizing They Accidentally Joined Amish Village

Posted on by Stephen Bell

RONKS, Penn. — Local anarchist and aspirational revolutionary Steven Franks felt foolish after discovering that he accidentally became part of an Amish village a full three weeks into his stay at a new “commune,” bearded sources confirmed.

“I joined this village because I believe the exploitative capitalist society we live in can only be taken down by embracing agrarian traditionalist means of communal production,” said Franks as he churned some butter. “The simple clothes these people wear help reject corporate logos and materialism, the horse and buggies reject the pollution that cars create, and the beards I figured were a statement about rejecting capitalist beauty standards. It wasn’t until I saw the people’s horrified looks after suggesting we have an orgy that I realized I joined the Amish because let’s face it, anarchists are just Amish people that fuck.”

The village elders were predictably stoic when asked about their decision to kick Franks out.

“We often have city folk who come to our village and ask to join,” said village elder Thomas Yoder. “We took compassion on this fellow due to his torn clothes and angry countenance because we believed he needed our compassion. He proved to be a good worker, but ultimately his fornicating ways and rejection of Jesus does mean he shall burn in hell for eternity and we couldn’t allow his corruption to plague our village. We’re going to tell him that he needs to go on Rumspringa soon and hopefully he doesn’t come back. Otherwise we will have to do the worst punishment of all, shunning. And who likes being ignored?”

Political Scientist at Penn State University Lauren Pryce talked about how common it is for anarchists to accidentally join various groups.

“Steven here definitely isn’t the first anarchist to join the Amish or any other number of seemingly unrelated groups,” explained Pryce. “For example, I’ve known anarcho-punks who joined the Promise Keepers because they thought they were just another group of straight edgers. There was the other one who joined the Gregorian monks because they wanted to include the chanting into their punk band, and finally I remember that one guy who accidentally joined NATO thinking it stood for Northern Anarchist Theater Organization. The point being: you’ll find anarchists in all sorts of strange places.

At press time, it was reported that Franks had accidentally become the libertarian candidate for President after going to the wrong anti-government convention.

How To Appear Sympathetic When Your Boss Complains to You About Their Home Renovation Delays

Posted on by Rachel Hein

There’s an old saying: many a man doth take his lord for a fool, but he who mocks his lord works hard, and he who fools his lord, works long. Okay, that’s not actually a saying, but it should be. This is as much as to say, unfortunately, your boss’s plight is your own. And there comes a point in every boss’s career when they begin complaining to subordinates about their home renovation delays. We’re not totally sure why. We know it has to do with a general sense of ennui and dissatisfaction in lifestyle, work, and partnerships that they believe can be remedied by privacy hedges and rain shower heads. Nevertheless, these remodels always get delayed which allows your boss to become the victim in their own life. And your life will become a lot easier when you join in to lament their asinine problems and praise their personal sacrifice as they undergo hardship in this unrelenting world that only affects them.

Repress thoughts, feelings, dialogue…
The most important thing is that your boss hears themselves talk as they fixate on their beleaguered state, subjected to await completion of their wife’s Pinterest board carried out by underpaid highly-skilled laborers. You might not even know what a louvered pergola is or why an entire staircase needs to be moved to make way for a particular light fixture, but this is not a time to ask questions. In fact, what you say seldom matters. What you don’t say matters much more. This is no time to tell them your thoughts on the housing crisis or why private property ownership is the root of injustice and the foundation of self-alientation. Bite your tongue. Literally bite it if you have to. Bite it until it bleeds, but do not under any circumstances share anything that conflicts with or invalidates their “suffering.”

Imagine they live with monsters
You might wonder why your boss spends so much time complaining to you when they could be doing frankly anything else. You must remember that any time they spend at work bemoaning the lack of plunge pool in their yard or heated tiles in their bathroom is time they’d otherwise be forced to spend with their families. So it’s best to imagine their family as sadistic, blood-sucking humanoid monsters. Yes, even his four-year-old daughter. Imagine she’s a shapeshifting snake and you’ll find it less arduous to pity their plight being sequestered with such demons.

Treat their enemies as your enemies
You’ll hear them bring up the same names ad nauseum—usually a contractor or interior designer. These people are fair game, so feel free to bully them or use them as an object of ridicule. A good bet is to roll your eyes any time they’re brought up and scoff in a way that suggests, “I can’t believe this person is in charge or tying their own shoes, much less designing a home.” Really lay it on. Projecting arbitrary blame onto a third party is a great way to make your boss feel closer to you and gain their trust that you “get it.”

Let it fuel your murder fantasies
Sure it can be hard not to reflect on the time you were told to “hang in there” when you asked for a marginal raise to afford rent in your studio apartment while they rattle on about new travertine floors or knocking down original architecture for an open-concept hellscape. But reframe that thinking as fodder for revenge fantasies that help you sleep at night. For instance, think of the space that will open up for you to choke your boss with your bare hands and watch him gasp for his last breath before falling limp on his new Tuscan-inspired flooring. See? Now it’s fun!

With practice, you’ll master the art of suppressing every authentic thing about your lived experience to create a safe environment for your boss’s navel-gazing woes. Eventually, it’ll become so routine, you’ll stop seeing it as emblematic of the inequities in income distribution and limitless consumption generated by late-stage capitalism. And once you’ve finally succumbed, that’s when you’ll be up for a promotion!

Estranged Influencer Couple Agree to Stay Together For the Algorithm

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced they had reconciled and agreed to stay together for the sake of the algorithm, friends force to help film content confirmed.

“It was a tough three months of soul searching, watching YouTube videos about therapy, and failed attempts at going solo which made me realize that deep down, Stan and I love our brand too much to destroy the favorable algorithm that has us at the top of everyone’s feed. We didn’t spend ten years staging and filming every private and public interaction we’ve had just to throw it all away because he won’t stop DM’ing underage girls,” said Lauren Wilson. “We agreed to give it another go for the sake of monetization, and that we can try to tolerate each other in front of the cameras. At least until most of our followers are in college.”

Friends of the couple voiced their disappointment about the reconciliation.

“I was actually happy when Lauren told me she had enough and I thought I was getting my friend back, but now we have to deal with this bullshit again. My partner and I stopped inviting them over because whenever she wasn’t hauling recording equipment and ring lights into my house, she would complain nonstop about how Stan is too lazy to edit their ‘date’ videos,” said Kelly Jones. “I don’t know how they can keep up this farce. They literally don’t talk to each other unless someone is recording. But I guess since they rely solely on getting free shit companies in order to maintain their lifestyle, SEO comes first.”

Couples counselors have seen an unsettling uptick in influencer couples attempting to reconcile.

“Our priority is to help couples find middle ground and grow together, but any pair with a lifestyle brand that comes into my office is 100% irredeemable. Seriously, I actually encourage them to break up. It’s hard to get to the root of the acrimony when you’ve got people with made up personas arguing over who gets mentioned more in their posts,” said Dr. Miriam Stein. “My advice is always for the couple to get as far away from each other and get real jobs and hobbies without filming every second of their existence. But most importantly, no one gives a crap about their lives.”

Upon their return to social media, Lauren and Stan announced they’d be sending their children to live with their grandparents after being unable to garner sufficient engagement on TikTok.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Refusing To Look Up What ‘Demure’ Means

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s a new week filled with new trends and recently rediscovered ways to overuse outdated terminology in an effort to appear intelligent on the internet. While those around you make efforts to better themselves and expand their vernacular, you’ve decided yet again to languish in your stagnation. We can’t stand to see you like this, so we’ve rounded up some new music for you. These tracks won’t suddenly turn you into a walking thesaurus, but they might just make you feel on top of current trends for the first time in your life. Here we go.

Alkaline Trio “The Sacrifice” & “At Sickness”

Earlier this year, Alkaline Trio released their 10th album ‘Blood, Hair, And Eyeballs.’ It was a return to form packed full of classic moments that would have been enough to satiate even the most die-hard fan for years to come. Apparently, the band hasn’t quite wrapped up their victory lap, as they have surprise released two new – and incredible – singles. Both continue their dip into their signature sound while incorporating some of their heaviest riffs to date.

Ripped to Shreds “Force Fed”

If you haven’t checked out San Jose’s rising death metal outfit Ripped To Shreds, you are sorely missing out. The quartet is set to release their second album since signing to Relapse Records, ‘Sanshi.’ Based on what we’ve heard so far, the record might bring about the already impending apocalypse. The latest single, ‘Force Fed,’ is thrashy as all get out. You might want to invest in some renter’s insurance before putting this one on just in case you break all your furniture during the absolute scorcher of the outro.

Drug Church “Chow”

Unless you’ve been living under a rock – which, no judgment if so – you’ve probably heard that Drug Church is back in session with their forthcoming album ‘Prude.’ Their latest singles, including the newly released ‘Chow,’ suggests that the highly anticipated record will be well worth the wait. If you’d like to avoid being trampled at the record store on release day, head on over to our shop and pre-order a limited edition copy.

Magna Vita “Poison Snake”

Imagine a scenario in which, via a freak scientific accident, the three dudes from Menomena were somehow melded into one person that subsequently decided to start a metalcore band. There’s a good chance that what you’ve conjured sounds a whole lot like Toronto’s Magna Vita. Their latest single ‘Poison Snake’ is an epic journey through walls of guitars, unique-but-still catchy hooks, and enough twists to keep even your terrible attention span honed in.

Sweet Pill “There, There (The Wonder Years cover)”

Famed indie label Hopeless Records is currently celebrating their 30th year in operation. To mark the occasion they have been steadily rolling out a singles series entitled ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You’ featuring tracks from their storied roster. Recent signees Sweet Pill contributed their version of ‘There, There’ by label legends The Wonder Years. It’s a great cover and Sweet Pill had the gall to write an entirely new verse for the track, further solidifying them as one of the most fearless new emo acts around.

Too demure to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve been mindful enough to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you finally have good taste.

Quiz: Is It “Brat Summer” or Undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

You rebel, you. Doing your thing in the sun. Blithely walking through life undisturbed. Tossing your hair without care. Sounds like you’re having a “brat summer,” as you should be. Still, one can’t help but wonder where the line is between embodying the pure essence of “brat,” or accidentally showing red flags of narcissistic behavior. Sure, personality disorders run in your family, but you’re different! You’re unique! You’re a cut above the rest. Here are several Charli XCX lyrics from her 2024 album (titled, you guessed it, ‘Brat’) to see which response is aligned with your untroubled sunny days:

Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that’s the word on the street /
You’re obsessin’, just confess it, put your hands up
(from “Von Dutch”)

A. You act naturally and have a healthy awareness of your attraction while at the beach, choosing fits that make you feel the most confident.

B. You know that everyone is obsessed with your body and face-card, which is why you AirDrop your nudes and unwelcomely hit on a tanning couple. When they ask you to leave, you claim to have been there first and plant your umbrella in the ground, making loud videos about how rude others can be on the beach.

When you’re in the mirror, do you like what you see? /
When you’re in the mirror, you’re just looking at me
(from “360”)

A. You only invite out the people you want to see, and that’s OK because life is too short. You get tipsy, but not enough to lose control, just enough to have fun.

B. You are often black-out drunk, and alone. If anyone ever goes out partying with you, you seek revenge by making AI porn with their likeness and send it to their family members.

Who the fuck are you? I’m a brat when I’m bumpin’ that
Now I wanna hear my track, are you bumpin’ that??
(from “365”)

A. You make custom clothes (without any self-consciousness) for your nights out, re-utilizing thrift finds or stitching your own fits together. People love your bold, eye-catching style, a sartorial compliment to any social outing.

B. The only way you can get people to like you is to talk about new music, so you hog the aux cord and force everyone to listen to critic-approved avant-garde pop, name-dropping bands you’ve been backstage with, while party guests actively avoid you.

You say she’s problematic and the way you say it, so fanatic
Think she already knows that you’re obsessed
(from “Mean Girls”)

A. You embark on a spur-the-moment road trip to a famous historic dive bar and remote abandoned theme park with your best friend, followed by a morning spent wandering the coast without telling anyone your whereabouts. You try to live in the present without worrying about the future too much.

B. You borrow your roommate’s car to take a self-care cross country vacation, blaming the theft on “immigrants” and then counter-suing for emotional distress. When you get back, you lie about running in social circles with Glenn Beck when you really meant to say Glen Powell.

I followed you to the bathroom /
But then I felt crazy /
I’m feeling like I’m on fire /
‘Cause we’ve been keeping this a sеcret
(from “Talk Talk”)

A. You go to the bathroom for a discreet vape or bump with beloved friends before dancing the night away with hot strangers. You have a summer fling but end it because setting boundaries and firmly saying “no” has never been a problem for you.

B. A girl is making advances on a guy you’re interested in, so you squirt Visine into her glass and loudly make fun of her when she becomes violently ill. Lie to the staff and deny despite surveillance footage, only to turn the evening’s trauma into a viral front-facing TikTok about the “horrors” you experienced.

‘Cause I’ve been looking at you so long /
Now I only see me
(from “Apple”)

A. You politely decline to bring your friend to the airport since it conflicts with a hot date.

B. You delete a friend’s number for ever asking such a cheugy question, unless they were a status symbol acquaintance that can elevate the clubbing of your “brat girl summer.” Alt answer: maybe, but if they pay you in cigarettes. French brands only.

If you answered A to these questions then good news, you are a well adjusted human. If you answered B then you need to seek help immediately.

Pro-Palestine March Turns Back Around to Protest Latest War Crime IDF Committed Since Demonstration Began

Posted on by Matt Husser

PORTLAND, Ore. — A pro-Palestine march has reportedly changed courses today after it turned back around to begin a new protest condemning the latest IDF war crime committed since the demonstration began, sources confirmed.

“We came out an hour ago to protest a refugee camp bombing and we’ve already had to turn back around to begin a new protest when the IDF shot up a field hospital,” said pro-Palestine demonstrator Casey Heinz, crossing off “no bombing schools” and writing “stop shooting doctors.” “And these are just the ones making international news, we can’t even keep up with all the videos IDF soldiers are posting that start with ‘hey, check out this sweet war crime.’ Alright folks, we’re turning around again—the IDF just bombed two more schools.”

The unpredictable nature of the marching route has reportedly caused confusion among the local police force tasked with violently regulating the peaceful demonstration.

“Me and the boys came out here to bust some heads, but we can’t seem to pin these slippery bastards down! Every time we get a blockade set up they turn around and head a different direction with some new protest,” said Officer Bart Tillman, chugging a Gatorade. “We thought we had them for a minute, but we got all confused and accidentally kicked the shit out of a 5k fun run. Thankfully it was only a fundraiser to benefit the ACLU so we didn’t feel bad, but still.”

Meanwhile the Israeli Defense Forces condemned the prolonged march and unorthodox route the protestors were taking.

“It is simply unacceptable that the US government has allowed this terrorist group to spread their propaganda through this threatening walking display. Not to mention that our intelligence has indicated that they are likely spelling out something sinister with their GPS route to send secret messages to our enemies,” said Herzi Halevi, Chief of the General Staff for the Israeli Defense Forces. “See that line there? Clearly the beginning of an H for Hamas. God only knows the damage they will be able to inflict by the time they get to the S.”

At press time, a protester who had been marching back and forth since the Rafah Tent Massacre reported that his fitbit finally exploded.

I Ate a Handful of That Potpourri We All Want To Try in Our Aunt’s Living Room and Here’s What Happened

Posted on by Violet Meeker

You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to grab a handful, shake it around in your palm, and toss it in your mouth like a Dad eating sunflower seeds. Let’s just get that out of the way. The crunch potential alone is titillating. The textures? Endless. A bowl of orange peels, cinnamon sticks, and tendrils that look like special edition veggie straws just sitting there looking like a snack. And I mean that in every sense of the word. To be honest, aunts usually cannot be found eating, and sometimes I’ve thought that maybe this stinky centerpiece is the fuel they guzzle down in the dead of night.

It lives in the suburbs, so when I am confronted with its powerful energy I’ve usually been running on diet pepsi and ambrosia salad for the last few days. I’m between a rock and a hard place when I turn the corner and this bowl of delights stares back at me. Everyone leaves the room to play an uncomfortable round of Apples to Apples and my hand is magnetized to the bowl with the dried ones, shriveled and tan and perfect. I stare down the dry soup as my mouth waters and the dog in the corner starts to shake with the mere buzzing I’ve created in the room from my desire. The fact that I’ve waited this long is a testament to my personal strength.

Finally, I tossed it back. I sucked on the tiny sticks, and popped open the dry seedlings. Impeccable. Just as we all imagined. An experience that took Guy Fieri’s “mouth feel” to a whole new level. My only report is that you should follow your gut, lean into the intrusive thoughts, let the fumes take you away. It was like scooping brush off the ground of a Lord of The Rings set. It took me places. When I was a child I used to think I could see The Never Ending Story dragon, and the most sane thing I can say about this experience is that I spent an afternoon with him again. My energy was collected and cleansed in an indescribable light. I felt new, like a baby. I stirred on the couch hours later, blinking the beige tones into focus, feeling the plastic covering crunch beneath me on the couch. I had to speak to my Aunt. She nodded knowingly as I told her, with a smile so slight that my suspicions confirmed themselves. And guess what? Michaels. Two bags for $15.99 and they last MONTHS.