Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Who the Hell Would Want to Watch Someone Else Play a Sport?

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

I’m just hearing about this and I’m totally confused — people apparently watch other people play sports on live streams from their computers, TVs, and even phones. What?! Who the hell would want to do that?

It just seems totally bizarre to me that you would want to watch someone else play a sport when you can just go do it yourself. Like watching baseball? Go buy a glove. Like watching tennis? Pick up a racket! To me, there’s nothing stranger and lonelier than sitting around your computer watching a bunch of grown men or women… just play a game. Go outside!

I know a lot of people say they’re into it for the player’s skill, but I’ve tried watching a bunch of different sports and the skill-level seems totally arbitrary. All these athletes do is move one or two body parts in the same way over and over again! I turned on ESPN the other day and caught some of the Soccer World Cup and it was a pretty close game. USA ended up winning 4-3. Cool, I guess. Then just yesterday I watched my six-year-old niece play a soccer game with her friends in her backyard and it was almost identical: her team won 4-3. Despite the gameplay being nearly interchangeable, the game I watched yesterday was far more rewarding because I spent it with my family. I wasn’t just watching some random stranger on my computer play soccer with his friends and family.

And I know a lot of people who claim they watch sports for the “personalities,” but that’s even stranger! Sports are games for children, meant to be played in schoolyards and parking lots. What the hell you are you doing following a grown-ass adult playing a game for little kids because they’re “funny?” I don’t know, I just find the whole thing a little weird and a little sad! Whether you’re totally engaged or you just have it on in the background while you do something else, it’s just insane to me that you would want to have, I dunno, a hockey game on, when you could watch a real TV show.

At the end of the day, people can spend their free time however they want. All I’m saying is that I don’t get it at all. No matter how many times people explain the “appeal,” it will never make sense to me that someone would want to just watch a stranger play a sport that they could go play themselves whenever they want.

It’s not like it’s Fortnite.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Chronically Late Explosions in the Sky Singer Finally Arrives On Time to Play Set

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

AUSTIN, Texas — Dean Hedlund, the chronically late lead singer of post-rock band Explosions in the Sky, arrived just in time last night to play live with his band, forever altering fan perception of the presumed instrumental quartet.

“We’ve always had a great lead singer. But, unfortunately, in 20 years, he’s never once made it to a gig, or to the recording studio early enough to play with us or lay tracks,” drummer Chris Hrasky told the roaring crowd. “Sometimes it’s car trouble; other times it’s a dead grandma, or Mercury in retrograde. But the stars aligned. We are so pumped to play tonight as the real Explosions in the Sky.”

Fans were ecstatic as Hedlund took the stage — until the singing started.

“I’ve seen them 15 times. I figured I’d be emotionally destroyed by the end of the night, but in a good way. Not like this,” said former fan Lisa Parker. “Imagine if Fred Schneider and Gilbert Gottfried had a baby that repeatedly fell on its head. Now, make it 10% more annoying. That’s how he sings… but actually, kind of more like rapping in a weird way.”

Sadly, fans were also taken aback by the bizarre and nonsensical lyrics.

“The music just as good as I remembered, but [Hedlund] started every song saying, ‘Well, you know, we’re Explosions in the Sky — howdy-doo, ladies and germs.’ And then, each song, he sang-talked the song title a bunch,” said disgusted fan Richard Esparza. “And for ‘So Long, Lonesome,’ he just sang the J.G. Wentworth commercial jingle over and over again.”

However, guitarist Mark Smith strongly defended Hedlund.

“There’s no Explosions in the Sky without Dean… even if it seemed like there was Explosions in the Sky without Dean for the past two decades,” said Smith. “The way he deconstructs the typical rock vocal performance is amazing. People are lucky to finally hear the true versions of these songs.”

At press time, several hardcore Explosions in the Sky fans were debating pouring sugar in Hedlund’s gas tank or slicing his Achilles tendon to ensure he’s never on time again.

Capcom Announces ‘Mega Man Legacy Collection Collection’

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Stephan Reilly

OSAKA, Japan — Capcom has announced the upcoming release of Mega Man Legacy Collection Collection, a collection that collects all previous Mega Man collections into a single package, coming this Fall to PlayStation 4, Xbox One, Nintendo Switch, and PC.

This new collection will include classic video game collections Mega Man Legacy Collection and Mega Man Legacy Collection 2, along with more recent collections Mega Man X Legacy Collection and Mega Man X Legacy Collection 2, all brought together for the very first time.

“We’re incredibly excited to share these classic collections of even more classic Mega Man games with fans everywhere,” said Capcom in a press release. “We truly feel that this collection will capture that classic Mega Man collection experience that seasoned Mega Man players love: buying the same game over and over again on different platforms, then buying them again. And now, again.”

Capcom added that this new collection of collections includes every released Mega Man game ever, except of course 2018’s Mega Man 11, which isn’t quite old enough to be resold to obsessive collectors and will likely appear in a future collection.

The Mega Man Legacy Collection Collection will also reportedly include new trophy and achievement lists on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One respectively. Capcom has expressed hope that this will help make some players’ 200th playthroughs of the first Mega Man feel a bit more meaningful, rather than exposing the activity for the desperate attempt to recapture a sense of childhood innocence that it is.

“Maybe this time clearing Ice Man’s stage will truly transport me back to when I was a kid sitting two feet in front of our CRT,” said Mega Man super-fan Adam Jenkins, who just placed his pre-order. “The time before my parents got divorced, and before the crippling weight of adult life made me so sad … so horribly, miserably sad.”

As of press time, the Capcom office was reportedly in crisis mode after an intern pointed out you can download every single Mega Man game for free onto a flash drive in roughly 30 seconds.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Talking Way Out of Ticket and Into Assault Charge

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Daniel Arnold

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local punk Tim Bell talked himself into an assault charge yesterday after aggressively confronting a police officer in attempting to talk his way out of a ticket for a broken tail light, public arrest records confirm.

“I knew once I saw the ol’ ham sandwich approaching my window, I’d get out of this ticket with a game of mental chess. I was fully prepared to checkmate that motherfucker,” said Bell from Multnomah county jail. “Once I verbally attacked his appearance, profession, and all around existence, he started getting all weird on me… I got out of the car to shake his hand and clear things up, and before I know it, I’m face down in the dirt.”

Authorities involved had a much different perspective on the situation, which purportedly escalated very quickly.

“I was going to let the kid off with a warning — he looked like he was in rough shape, and the state of his car would have made Marie Kondo quiver in fear. His life was obviously in shambles. But he just wouldn’t shut the fuck up,” said arresting officer John Lane. “After 10 minutes of him blatantly insulting me, he charges out of his seat with his fists out and a shit-eating smirk that could send the pope into a murderous rage. So I did what any officer would — waited to notice the slightest implication of physical contact, then tased the living hell out of him.”

The passenger in the car with Bell offered her own account.

“I mean, yeah, fuck that cop… but honestly, I’ve seen Tim’s god-awful personality screw him over more times than I can count,” said witness Kelly Duffield, who left Bell’s car on the side of the road. “When I saw him go down, it took a lot out of me to not run over and kick him in the forehead a few times myself — there was something surprisingly therapeutic about watching him jolt around on the ground like a dying fish. I don’t know. Made my Uber home pretty relaxing.”

At press time, Bell was watching reruns of MTV’s “Yo Momma” to prepare for his upcoming court hearing.

Photo by Rob Steinberg

Slayer Fan Excited to Miss Slayer One Last Time by Drinking Too Much Before Show Again

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Gary Dwyer cannot wait to “pound a sixer” of Old Style in the parking lot before Riot Fest, get nauseous, throw up in a disgusting port-o-john, and miss Slayer’s entire set for the ninth straight time, a source reports.

“I can’t believe they’re retiring,” Dwyer said while unloading warm beer from the trunk of his car. “This might be the last time I don’t get to see them because I’m too fucked up. When they came through town last May, I bought bad mushrooms and woke up naked in a fountain around the time they played their encore. I hope missing them this time will live up to that one.”

Despite his years-long super fandom, Dwyer has only seen one full Slayer performance back in 1995. He does, however, claim he heard “Chemical Warfare,” their final song of the night, as security dragged him out of the Aragon Ballroom for lighting a roll of toilet paper on fire.

“If you look at Gary’s arrest record, you can literally go by what Slayer album came out that year,” Dwyer’s friend Jules Freeman explained. “Like, you say, ‘wildlife smuggling and parole violation?’ That’s 2002, the ‘God Hates Us All’ world tour. He always misses them for a different reason, but it always starts with day drinking in the parking lot before the show.”

Getting “sloppy-hammered pretty much as soon as he wakes up” isn’t the only reason Dwyer has missed shows. Petty larceny, food poisoning from eating out of a Taco Bell garbage can, trying to fight a police horse, impersonating a police horse, an allergic reaction to 162 bee stings, bribery, electrocution from touching the third rail of a commuter train, third degree sunstroke, and treason have all played a part, too.

“I’m honestly impressed by the new and creative ways Gary finds to miss his favorite band every year, while simultaneously fucking up his life and everything around him in the process,” said friend Kenny Choi. “One time before the show, he snuck onto Slayer’s tour bus, and Tom Araya broke Gary’s nose. Gary still says it was the greatest day of his life. I hope he can move on.”

Dwyer, reportedly upset he plans to miss the show yet again, is hoping his friends at least buy him a T-shirt.

Help: We Built This City on Rock and Roll and Our Infrastructure Is in Shambles!

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Dan Rice

If you think Detroit is bad you wouldn’t last a day in my world. I was born and will likely die in a place America has all but forgotten. We built Starship City on rock and roll and now that city is on the brink of total collapse.

You have to understand, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Bitchin guitar licks were at a huge premium in 1985. The drum solo market was at an all time high. There was a ton of cocaine.

Starship City quickly became a thriving metropolis. Everyone was just sort of cool and hung out, there were busy neon signs everywhere, and the only threat to our citizens was the occasional giant gamblers dice that would roll down Main Street.

Now, in retrospect, the folly of our hubris is clear. Instead of hot licks and deep grooves we should have been focused on things like plumbing, roads, and hospitals. Instead of teaching our bass players to stay in the pocket we should have been teaching our children to read.

We never should have elected a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses mayor and we definitely should have defined his term limits in our charter.

The value of our city’s sole export has plummeted. Today’s youth does not value rock and roll. Today it’s all about EDM and planking and eating ass, whatever that means.

I want to be clear. This is not a metaphor for the consequences of ’80s materialism and Reagan economics. We literally built an entire city out of the spirit of rock and roll itself and that city is literally in decay now.

There was a time when staring out onto that night sky with Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas’ faces superimposed onto it filled me with hope. Now all I feel is hunger, dread, and a lack of leadership.

And yet, we soldier on- sunglasses against the night sky, flying v guitars strapped to our backs, hoping against hope that the tide will turn and rock will reign once more. Now, throw your keys into that fishbowl over there and let’s party.

Co-Worker Spawn Camping Donuts at Work

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Matt Kenny

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Social media manager Eric Lomax has been habitually spawn camping the complimentary donuts at his office, numerous aggravated sources confirmed.

“I figured out where they put the donuts down, so I get there like five minutes early and stake out a spot to get the best one,” said Lomax, 28, standing mere inches from the office kitchen counter known to be the go-to spot for the donuts to appear.

Lomax camped his spot for twenty minutes this morning and avoided eye contact with the dozen employees that passed through the kitchen to get coffee.

“It’s a fucking cheap move,” said junior account executive Melissa Reyes. “Everybody wants a good donut, but when you play it like that you’re just an asshole.”

Reyes could be heard letting out an aggrieved sigh as Lomax opened up the donut box before the intern could even put it down.

“I think people are jealous that I have such a good strategy,” said a gleeful Lomax as he bit into his apple cinnamon glazed donut, widely considered to be the best donut offered by the company.

“I’m not technically breaking any rules,” Lomax insisted to a passing coworker, who ignored him.

At lunch time, Lomax was spotted glitching into the vending machine by wriggling his arm up the chute.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Departing Punk Band Member Keeps Referring to Amazon Job As “New Gig Booked in Seattle”

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Jason Gong

PHOENIXVILLE, Pa. — Local punk Logan Sharp is leaving her hometown and bandmates for the “new gig” she just booked in Seattle, which in actuality is just working for the tech conglomerate Amazon.

“I’m just like, mad hyped that this spot opened up right now,” Sharp said at a farewell show with her band, Sax on the Leech. “I’m sad to be leaving the band behind, but it’s the Emerald City: the birthplace of tech venture capitalism… and grunge, of course. I mean, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam — it’s where all the greats got their start. This $87,000-a-year job might just be the big break I’ve been waiting for.”

One of Sharp’s bandmates was spotted nodding along quietly to his friend’s delusional tirade before excusing himself to get more cake.

“I’m not sure how landing a job after four interviews with the help of a recruiter is considered ‘booking a gig,’ but you know, this is probably for the best,” said frontman and lead saxophonist Dave Miller. “We’ve been working around Logan’s school schedule for months. She told us she just wanted to go back to college to ‘find some cool, younger chicks to bring to shows,’ but the guys and I are starting to think she may have had an ulterior motive for getting an MBA in business.”

When asked directly about her new role as an operational logistics manager for the largest online retailer in the world, Sharp was quick to draw parallels to her musical career.

“Look, being a manager of operations at the big A is just a little side hustle to make ends meet. So in a way, it’s not so different from being in a band,” she explained. “I’ll be in charge of making sure lockers are installed all over the world: soon, you won’t have packages delivered to your door like sheep — you’ll be able to pick up packages at Whole Foods or any of the grocery chains Whole Foods has bought out by that time yourself, man. It’s totally DIY.”

“Plus, Jeff Bezos started Amazon in his garage. If you think about it, there’s nothing more punk than that, right?” she added.

Amiibo Seen Things

Posted on August 6, 2019 by Chandler Dean

HOUSTON — Visitors to the basement of local gamer Miles Reed were reeling early this month as they concluded, based on all the available evidence, that his Amiibo has seen things.

“I understand the [Amiibo] is not a living being,” said Rebecca Fontenot, a Seamless delivery person who spotted the NFC-enabled figurine in Reed’s underground den while delivering a recent order. “Still, I can’t shake this feeling that when it came into my line of sight…I was, like, silently being begged for help.”

Reed’s mother, Dorothy, offered assurance that she had attempted to mitigate the situation.

“I’ve offered to clean that little toy Miles spends so much time with,” said Mrs. Reed, wringing a washcloth in her hands just a bit more tightly as the subject of the Amiibo came up. “Every time I try, he just mumbles something about how it’s a collectible and then takes out a few more of them and tells me what each one unlocks in his games.”

“You know Gen Z,” she laughed, through clenched teeth. “Always saying wild stuff!”

An anonymous eyewitness testified that given the room’s lack of natural light, total absence of decor, and enduringly putrid smell somewhere between human sweat and beef jerky, it was clear “that Amiibo has seen shit no gaming accessory should ever have to see.”

“What’s even weirder is that this guy doesn’t even own any Nintendo consoles,” continued the observer, who agreed to be identified only as an acquaintance who comes over sometimes because the Reeds have good snacks. “Miles just inexplicably has this Amiibo of Mario, which, by the way, appears to be very heavily used even though there’s no compatible games in that house.”

The Mario Amiibo itself did not respond to a request for comment for this article, but at press time it did provide a lifeless, unflinching stare in response to all questions about its state of mind.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Helicopter Mom Really Enjoying Tour so Far

Posted on August 6, 2019 by Vince Ratti

AKRON, Ohio — Overprotective parent Carol Miller is reportedly having the “time of her life” after insisting on accompanying her son on a 10-day tour of the Midwest with his hardcore band Truth In Pain, wary sources confirmed.

“I’ve always wanted to see places like Columbus, and it’s so much more wonderful to do it with my special little guy,” said the 46-year-old mother of three. “Taylor really wanted to go alone, but my Tay-bear is only 18, and there’s just so much drugs and terrorism in the world. And who else is going to make sure my beautiful womb fruit is using enough hand sanitizer?”

Band members admitted they’ve mostly come around to having a parent in the van with them.

“I have to say, it’s been really nice having Mrs. Miller around,” said vocalist Kevin Townsend. “Normally, I smell like someone else shit my pants, but thanks to her doing our laundry and putting air fresheners all over the place, now I smell like fruit. It’s still a little weird that she makes Taylor wear a helmet before he stage dives, but whatever.”

Indeed, the band’s self esteem is at an all-time high with Mrs. Miller’s constant support.

“I had no idea what decoupage was, but Carol wanted to teach us a way to express ourselves that’s not ‘punch-and-kick dancing,’ and it’s pretty fucking dope. We’ve made more money selling sick memory boxes than shirts,” said guitarist Corey “Beef” Wellington. “And she is just so supportive — it was embarrassing at first, but now, I really look forward to her shouting, ‘YOU’RE AMAZING AND YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE I LOVE YOU!’ at us between every song.”

Fort Wayne show promoter Joey Mantis admitted he was surprised more bands don’t tour this way.

“These kids are geniuses — it makes so much sense to bring someone who is gonna feed them and pay for gas. She was even up my ass all night making sure they got paid,” said Mantis. “And she even bought every available ticket at the door just so the band could say they sold this place out. I may or may not have juiced the capacity by an extra 50, but that’s neither here nor there.”

At press time, Mrs. Miller had reportedly received multiple offers to manage other bands, but declined, as she will soon be leaving for college with her son.

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