$1000 Reverb Pedal Models Tone After Big, Empty Rooms Your Band Always Plays

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Guitar effects pedal manufacturer Strymon announced today the release of a new, $1000 reverb pedal called the BigNothing, which models its cavernous tone after the big, empty rooms your band always plays.

“Sure, the sound guy posted an Instagram clip making fun of you, but we were surprised at how spacious your guitar sounded when unimpeded by even a single audience member,” said Strymon’s official press release, which included a blurry screenshot of your terrible band through the front window of the empty venue you played last Wednesday afternoon. “The actual music sucks, obviously, but we still wanted to capture that feeling of utter isolation and emptiness for other, better bands.”

Although your band currently doesn’t have a single fan and there’s no reason to assume you will any time soon, you reportedly fully intend to purchase the BigNothing, just in case somebody accidentally wanders into one of your gigs.

“Obviously, right now the pedal is useless, thanks to all the natural reverb we get from every conceivable surface in the venues we play. But I read on an Ultimate Guitar forum that having bodies in the room really affects your resonance,” you said, turning in your personal loan paperwork to Sweaty Sal’s Check Cashing and Payday Loans. “One time, a rat scurried across the floor in the middle of our song ‘Slashing That Ass (I Promise),’ and squashed the hell out of my tone. Never gonna let that happen again.”

But the BigNothing isn’t without its detractors.

“I play the same shows as you guys, even if I stand off-stage because you guys always say there’s not enough room for everybody,” said your band’s self-proclaimed “lead guitarist” Spencer Holleman. “Somebody should make a pedal that sounds like the sick fuzz I get playing my Rogue Rocketeer Deluxe through an un-miked Fender Frontman 15G back in the green room where the sound guy always puts it.”

At press time, you were considering buying a Polyphonic Octave Generator Pedal‎ to give the impression of three guitarists fucking up your solo in different registers.

Can This Superfood Battle Depression? I Don’t Fucking Know, What Does It Matter Anyway?

Posted on by Dan Rice

With concern over the side effects of psychiatric medication on the rise and the ability to afford said drugs on the decline, more and more Americans are turning to alternative means of managing their depression. Recent studies have suggested that diet may play a much larger role in overall mental health than we previously thought and that certain superfoods may be the key to natural, healthy mood stabilization. Could turmeric, a root vegetable long celebrated for its antioxidant properties, be the next big thing in the battle against depression? Jesus, I don’t fucking know. What does it matter anyway?

What am I a fucking doctor? Am I a scientist? No, I’m some fucking asshole who writes clickbait for booze money. I have absolutely no idea whether or not turmeric fights depression and I absolutely do not fucking care. It’s all bullshit anyway. All of it. Everything. None of this matters. Nothing fucking matters. OK?

You know what else is bullshit? Depression. I’m tired of these fucking “doctors” trying to slap some label on me. Hey doctor, maybe I don’t exercise because exercising fucking sucks. Maybe I don’t go out and meet people because I don’t fucking like people. You ever think about that you dumb white coat fuck? Oh I drink too much because I’m depressed? Maybe I drink too much because being drunk is the only thing that makes me feel fucking awesome. It’s not rocket science, bro. You’re fucking dumb. All doctors are fucking batshit stupid just like everything else.

OK fine, you want me to try turmeric? I’ll fucking try turmeric.

OK there. I just snorted four lines of pure turmeric. Guess what? Still an asshole.

Happiness is a fucking crutch, dude. It’s a delusion. It’s all bullshit. Trump is gonna win again, the earth is fucked, nothing happens when you die, whatever. Just don’t care about things, it’s fine. Who gives a fuck?

Look I don’t have time to explain the world to you, OK? I need to get back to work. I’ve got a gun to my head deadline and this children’s book about a family of turtles isn’t about to fucking write itself, is it?

160 Million Americans Added to Suspected Terrorist List

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — The United States government has added the over 160 million Americans that play video games to a growing list of those likely to commit an act of domestic terrorism.

“We’ve seen the figures, and frankly, they’re horrifying,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who recently suggested the link between the activity, which is enjoyed by an estimated two out of three American citizens, and the recent tragic shootings committed in El Paso and Dayton [editor’s note: remember to update these references for next time]. “I don’t know how the hell we’re going to stop the next one of these if we don’t start tracking every person with a PS Plus or XBox Live account. There’s just no other way.” 

The new classification will require extensive screenings and waiting periods for games receiving an ESRB rating of M, as well as a ban on any first person shooters being played in public places. 

“I got arrested for playing Doom on my Switch while I was on the school bus,” said a boy with a black sack over his face that was being held at Guantanamo Bay. “They’ve been depriving me of sleep and waterboarding me, asking me why I hate America. I told them I just liked video games and they took away my bedding. Please tell my family how bored I am without my video games.” 

Violence in video games has long been a source of controversy, from the 1993 Joseph Lieberman congressional hearings, to the post-Columbine hysteria, and essentially any time people start talking about the laws regarding real life guns. 

“We’ve got to isolate this and stop the spreading of these violent hate machines once and for all, especially before they leave the country and become the world’s problem,” said McCarthy.  “God help us all if that ever happens. I will make sure Republicans in no way let down the entire world.”

As of press time president Donald Trump had announced a plan to dismantle the terrorist organization known as EVO.

Local Scene Emerges Around Teen with Biggest Basement, Shittiest Parents

Posted on by Ted Pillow

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A thriving, local punk scene has developed around high school freshman Rory Ferguson, a 15-year-old whom sources confirm has the best basement and the shittiest parents in the area.

“I told some older kids in shop class that my parents go out of town every weekend,” Ferguson explained. “And on Friday night, all these people I’ve never even seen in school showed up at my house with drum kits and beer kegs. It’s been happening for weeks now. I keep asking everyone to leave, but they just thank me for inventing something called ‘Indoor Street Punk.’”

Since word spread about Ferguson’s half-finished basement and negligent parents, weekend shows have become a recurring event at the teen’s home. The basement now includes a makeshift stage, an unlicensed tattoo parlor, and even a designated corner in which people can piss.

“Rory’s a fucking legend!” exclaimed 19-year-old high school sophomore Nate Barlow. “He’s a visionary — he started a totally legit DIY community right from his parents’ basement. Plus, his dad has a bunch of vintage Playboys down there.”

While Ferguson typically retreats to his bedroom during shows to finish his homework or practice magic tricks after school, the community seems unphased by the scene-starter’s complete disinterest in punk music.

“He’s so funny,” said Trevor Jones, bassist for every band in the Indoor Street Punk movement. “He’s always saying stuff like, ‘You guys should take music lessons if you want be musicians,’ or ‘That’s not an ashtray, it’s my grandfather’s urn!’ Classic Rory.”

Though Ferguson is occasionally frustrated by the hordes of dirty strangers commandeering his house every weekend, he has found some benefits to living in what has become a veritable punk commune.

“My parents don’t really pay attention to me, so it’s kind of nice to feel part of a real family for once,” Ferguson noted. “Even if it’s a really loud family that spits beer at you and drains your pool without asking so they can make a music video on their phone.”

At press time, Ferguson was being driven to soccer practice by a hungover Jeff Rosenstock.

First Date Red Flags Disregarded Because of Mutual Favorite Band, Desperation

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

NYACK, N.Y. — Two desperate singles ignored glaring red flags on their Tinder date early this week after discovering that they share the same favorite band, bemused sources confirm.

“I reconsidered after he kept texting ‘ur moms house’ when I tried to plan a spot to meet at, but I gave him a chance because I’ve been pretty bored since I lost my job,” said Penelope Alpern of her date, Travis Wilson. “Plus, his profile had a quote from ‘The Office,’ and I love that show, so I knew we’d have a lot to talk about.”

After 10 minutes of painfully forced conversation, the two listed off their top five favorite artists. The revelations reportedly led Alpern to ignore her match’s insufferability all over again.

“He said that he played Modest Mouse’s ‘Sad Sappy Sucker’ album during sex with his ex-girlfriend… and that’s my favorite album,” said Alpern. “Yeah, him fucking his ex came up five minutes into our first date, but he probably just felt comfortable with me.”

Eavesdropping café patrons, however, recoiled in hearing their conversation.

“She said it was ‘sweet’ that he grabbed her ass, and ‘not bad’ that they hugged hello,” said witness Kimmi Abdullah. “I’m so thankful I’m with someone where it’s fine to just stay in, watch movies, eat pizza, and never talk to each other.”

Indeed, some say desperation played a large role in why the date lasted beyond one hurriedly consumed cup of coffee.

“I usually wouldn’t date a girl who brings up how she got dropped by three therapists in two months right off the bat… but I haven’t had sex in seven months, and apparently she can play ‘The World At Large’ on the banjo,” said Wilson. “She also texts ‘what’s up’ every 20 minutes and follows up when I don’t respond, so it seems like she has a pretty open schedule to fuck around.”

At press time, the pair was individually considering quietly asking the waitstaff if any of the coffee drinks contained even the slightest percentage of alcohol.

Man Who Can’t Figure Out Friend’s Shower Just Wets Hair in Sink and Comes Out in Bath Towel Around Waist

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — Local man Aaron Mendle simply wet his hair in the sink yesterday and wrapped a towel around his waist when he couldn’t figure out how to work his friend’s shower, giving himself a freshly-washed appearance without doing anything to actually get clean.

“I already asked for a glass of water last night, so I didn’t want to bother him. And I considered taking a dump to pass the time while I figured the shower out, but I was scared the toilet would clog, so I just held it in. Now my stomach hurts,” said Mendle. “I gave up trying to shower after about seven minutes of yanking and pulling on every knob with no results. I didn’t want to smell bad, though — I haven’t showered for two days — so I found some cucumber-scented body lotion and rubbed it under my armpits.”

“I am allergic to cucumber, though,” he added, “and now my armpits are on fire.”

Homeowner Ethan Domtrov was reportedly oblivious, even though witnesses overheard Mendle’s neurotic muttering from the living room.

“I never actually heard the shower turn on,” said Domtrov. “I heard the water running forever, though, so I thought maybe he’s the type of weirdo who takes a bath or something. Either way, when he came out of the bathroom, he made sure to tell me how refreshed he felt and thanked me for always being so hospitable.”

Studies show Mendle’s actions are common among couch surfers nationwide.

“Shower operation is one of the key factors in anxiety with visiting friends,” said psychologist Chandra LoPresto. “I’ve had clients go to great lengths to avoid the embarrassment of asking for help — like the woman who pretended to take a phone call, saying their mother died in a car crash so they could leave the house in a hurry. Or another client who staged a slip-and-fall that caused a compound fracture in her wrist.”

At press time, Mendle has decided to avoid Domtrov at all costs after spending five minutes attempting to back out of his driveway and almost hitting the mailbox.

Opinion: If You Wanted French Fries, You Should Have Ordered Some

Posted on by Cory Cousins

Dear Claire,

This letter will probably not come as a shock to you, after your shameless performance at White Castle last night. Frankly, I don’t even know where to begin, so let’s just start from the top.

Standing in line at White Castle, we had plenty of time to peruse the menu. Remember when you thought that it would be hilarious to order a Belgian Waffle Slider, because it was such a ridiculous menu item? Well I remember, and yes, it was hella funny. I just didn’t think you would actually go through with it.

I even asked you before we got to the cashier if you wouldn’t just want to play it safe and get an Original Slider Combo. You know how much you like their crinkle cut fries. But no, you were locked in. We almost didn’t get to order at all, because you were laughing so hard at the idea of actually eating that absurd food.

After settling in at our table, you ate your meal and I dug into my usual Double Cheese Slider Combo. Apparently you were still hungry after plowing through your meal, because then you started casually dipping into my fry case like it was no big deal. This aggression will not stand.

Each time you took a golden crinkle cut fry off of my tray, it was like you were slowly drilling a metal rod into my chest. My fry-to-slider ratio has been adjusted and perfected over my many years of eating at White Castle. As soon as i smell White Castle, my body knows exactly how many calories to expect. You fucked up my entire meal, causing me to snack later in the evening and throwing my diet into chaos for days to come. Congratulations.

Then when I called you out on it, you looked at me like I was some kind of monster. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Anyway, I hope you don’t get defensive when you read this letter. I know you hate it when I publish my grievances with you in a public forum rather than just speaking to you in person, but this was one of those times where it just felt right. I consider it to be a teachable moment for you, so you don’t embarrass yourself like this again in front of other people.

Your loving boyfriend,

Steve

Neil deGrasse Tyson Informs Captive Locked in His Basement That Fear is Illogical

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Famed scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson told a captive locked up in his basement this evening that his emotional responses were “incredibly illogical,” according to close, terrified sources.

“There have been various studies which prove that long term illness is statistically the saddest way to die, while drowning has been objectively proven to be the most physically painful. Your tears make no logical sense, sir,” Tyson reportedly said, dragging a knife slowly across the chest of his victim. “I implore you to consider science and reason so that you stop sobbing.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Tyson has been known to kidnap and torture strangers after overhearing them publicly praise campy action movies, such as 2003’s The Core.

“Your emotional response to spectacle rather than data unfortunately must be punished,” Tyson continued. “Of course, these killings will be entirely senseless if I only take one life. On average, across any 48 hours, we lose 500 to medical errors. I must increase my efforts in order to make a dent in the data.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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