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First Date Red Flags Disregarded Because of Mutual Favorite Band, Desperation

NYACK, N.Y. — Two desperate singles ignored glaring red flags on their Tinder date early this week after discovering that they share the same favorite band, bemused sources confirm.

“I reconsidered after he kept texting ‘ur moms house’ when I tried to plan a spot to meet at, but I gave him a chance because I’ve been pretty bored since I lost my job,” said Penelope Alpern of her date, Travis Wilson. “Plus, his profile had a quote from ‘The Office,’ and I love that show, so I knew we’d have a lot to talk about.”

After 10 minutes of painfully forced conversation, the two listed off their top five favorite artists. The revelations reportedly led Alpern to ignore her match’s insufferability all over again.

“He said that he played Modest Mouse’s ‘Sad Sappy Sucker’ album during sex with his ex-girlfriend… and that’s my favorite album,” said Alpern. “Yeah, him fucking his ex came up five minutes into our first date, but he probably just felt comfortable with me.”

Eavesdropping café patrons, however, recoiled in hearing their conversation.

“She said it was ‘sweet’ that he grabbed her ass, and ‘not bad’ that they hugged hello,” said witness Kimmi Abdullah. “I’m so thankful I’m with someone where it’s fine to just stay in, watch movies, eat pizza, and never talk to each other.”

Indeed, some say desperation played a large role in why the date lasted beyond one hurriedly consumed cup of coffee.

“I usually wouldn’t date a girl who brings up how she got dropped by three therapists in two months right off the bat… but I haven’t had sex in seven months, and apparently she can play ‘The World At Large’ on the banjo,” said Wilson. “She also texts ‘what’s up’ every 20 minutes and follows up when I don’t respond, so it seems like she has a pretty open schedule to fuck around.”

At press time, the pair was individually considering quietly asking the waitstaff if any of the coffee drinks contained even the slightest percentage of alcohol.