Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We Bailed on Our Interview With the National. Sorry. Things Are Just Crazy and We’ve Been Going Through Some Stuff Lately

Posted on October 10, 2019 by James Knapp

Recently, The Hard Times recently had an opportunity to interview influential indie rock band The National. But on the day the interview was scheduled for we woke up and were just like… ugggggggggh.

Ya know?

Like, sorry about the interview but we were just not feeling it. We couldn’t stop thinking about this thing that happened a couple of weeks ago when we met this really cute barista who gave us her number and we texted “sup?” and then she texted “not much. sup?” and then we just got really anxious and never responded. Ah! Stupid! Then we saw her like a week later and she didn’t smile at us. Godammit, we’re such a dick!

Plus there’s this thing with our cat. I don’t know, it’s like a cough but she only does it sometimes and we’re not sure if it’s serious. The vet said it was fine, but it was pretty late in the day and we think they were phoning it in.

Then the night before the interview our phone fell out of our pocket in the bathroom and the screen cracked and some water got in the crack. It still works but there’s like some bubbles under the glass and we keep thinking maybe it isn’t sink water it’s toilet water and now we’re stuck holding a pee phone to our face every time we make a call.

Anyway, the interview. Yeah, it was a bummer, We just kind of needed to reboot. Try CBD, maybe rewatch some Parks & Rec, that sort of thing. Ah, goddammit! We still gotta pay our Netflix bill. Man, that shit’s getting expensive. Who else has our login?

Is The National pissed that we didn’t show up? We never did call those guys to cancel. Fuck. Whatever. We’re going back to bed.

Confused Gamer Can’t Find Sniper Option on Army Enlistment Form

Posted on October 10, 2019 by Neil Floyd

LEAWOOD, Kan. — Local gamer Kevin Zelinski was confused when he couldn’t find the option to enlist as a sniper during a recent visit to his local United States Army recruiting station.

“The form must be missing a page or something,” said Zelinski, 18, flipping through a folder the recruiter had given him. “How am I gonna let the generals know I’m a stone-cold killing machine with nerves of steel and 20/20 vision when I wear my prescription Gunnars? It’d be a waste putting somebody with my kill-death ratio in regular infantry with normal dudes. I just don’t know how I’m going to support and defend the Constitution of the United States if I don’t have M18A1 Claymore mines, a custom M24 weapon system, a ghillie suit, and, I don’t know, at least 5 throwing knives, just to be safe.”

“Oh, duh,” he added. “I just realized there’s probably no sniper option because the army trains everybody to be one. Just like in Battlefield!”

Inside the recruiting station, located in a strip mall next to a Dollar General and a martial arts school, US Army recruiter Staff Sergeant Alexa Montez revealed that Zelinski wasn’t the first baffled gamer to visit and that she doubted he would be the last.

“While we’re thankful first-person shooting video games have made the armed forces more relevant than ever in popular culture, they’ve spawned many misconceptions,” said Montez. “Truth is, serving in the United States Army isn’t like Call of Duty or Rainbow Six….it’s actually much more like Arma. You spend a majority of your time in empty fields and villages, searching for productive, meaningful things to do, and then get shot by an enemy you’ll most likely never see again.”

Montez shook her head. “Oh well. I have a quota to hit, so I guess I’m telling Kevin the United States Army just reversed the operational doctrine banning gold-plated weapons.”

At press time, Zelinski was asking Montez which branch of the armed forces allowed soldiers to keep their gear after they died.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Guy On Verge of Being Too Old to Wear Pop-Punk T-Shirt

Posted on October 10, 2019 by Erin McLaughlin

WASHINGTONVILLE, N.Y. — 30-year-old pop-punk fan T.J. Keen pushed the limits of age and style last night by wearing an ill-fitting Joyce Manor T-shirt to a college basement show, alarmed sources confirm.

“I bought the shirt back in 2012 at a Joyce Manor album release show,” said Keen. “It’s got some beer stains on it and has faded and shrunk down a bit throughout the years, but that just gives it charm. At my office job I never get a chance to express myself. I’m always wearing this dumb suit, but as soon as I’m off work I love showing off the fact I’m a pop-punk for life.”

Attendees tried to calculate Keen’s age to determine whether his attire was acceptable.

“I kind of got obsessed with figuring out what this guy’s deal was,” said showgoer Roger Stanko. “He mentioned he was 10 when 9/11 happened… so I guess that makes him about 29, right? That means that he was 23 when Joyce Manor blew up in 2013 — which I guess is sorta acceptable, maybe? I was 18 when I got into them, but even I think that’s kind of pushing it.”

Psychologist Diane McGillicuddy stated that men in their early 30s wearing pop-punk T-shirts has become a nation-wide epidemic amongst the nostalgia hungry.

“Studies show that 35 percent of these men wear pop-punk apparel to feel young again, whereas 65 percent insist that it’s normal to still listen to The Ergs every day pretty much exclusively,” she explained. “On average, the population of older men in pop-punk T-shirts are heavily tattooed, still live in their hometowns, and make everyone around them question if a pop-punk persona is still acceptable past age 23.”

At press time, Keen was debating between splurging on another Modern Baseball tattoo or paying his overdue phone bill.

Jeff Kaplan Calmly Explains Why It’s Important to Balance Human Rights With Chinese Money

Posted on October 9, 2019 by Hard Drive Staff

IRVINE, Calif. — Following outcries surrounding Blizzard’s suspension and award termination of a Hearthstone player for making pro-Hong Kong comments, Blizzard Entertainment Vice President Jeff Kaplan sat down for a video explaining the company’s recent decisions.

“When it comes to creating a better social experience for our players,” said a cool and collected Kaplan, “it’s important to balance things like sovereignty and freedom of speech with things like a chinese entity owning a 5% stake in your company. This is something we’ve been trying to get right for years at Blizzard, and I’m excited to announce some upcoming tweaks.”

In the 17-minute video, Kaplan outlined the implementation of a new internal Battle.net ranking system for tracking players’ political and philosophical stances. Said the VP, “This week we are also introducing new tools for players to report teammates for toxic behavior, or for mentioning strongly-discouraged phrases such as ‘incapable ruler,’ ‘500 years,’ and ‘Winnie the Pooh.’ We feel these systems are really going to help the community and also some other interested parties.”

From the video, it’s clear the major video game company is already anticipating backlash around these changes.

“We know players, and states, are averse to change,” explained Kaplan. But we think these are ultimately the right decisions for all of our players. They’ll be especially helpful to our eSports community, foremost, by allowing eSports to continue to exist in the People’s Republic of China.”

Kaplan wrapped up the announcement with a promise to monitor and make small adjustments in the coming weeks.

“Oh, also, we’ve reduced cooldown for Mei’s ultimate. Check it out on the PTR.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Hipster Outside of Trader Joe’s Asking Shoppers if They’ve Heard of Wegmans

Posted on October 9, 2019 by Tom K

UTICA, N.Y. — A local hipster was terrorizing shoppers leaving an area Trader Joe’s grocery store yesterday, asking if they’ve ever heard of legendary Upstate New York chain Wegmans, according to security reports.

“I just needed some eggs,” grumbled the latest victim, who asked to remain anonymous. “What has the world come to when you can’t even exit a store without some jobless millennial with airpod gauges harassing you about a bulk candy selection and farm-fresh milk with a glass bottle refund? And, God — how pretentious do you have to be to take pride in a goddamn vintage train set circling the goddamn ceiling!”

While the perpetrator has yet to be identified, police reports indicate she was last seen wearing high-waisted jeans, a flannel sports-jacket, and “wouldn’t shut the fuck up” about the extravagant olive bar near the produce section of the store.

“Wegmans started out with a ferocious local following, but as their popularity expanded down the east coast, things quickly got out of hand,” explained Utica Police Chief Sid Glasmer. “Right now our gang ops division has Wegmans shoppers classified as a ‘loosely affiliated cult,’ but if incidents like this continue, we’re considering bumping them up to ‘ICP-level hybrid gang.’”

While Wegmans Enterprises has yet to release an official statement, fervent support has come from the Upstate New York consumer community — including leading Wegmans fanzine, Blueberry Squares Forever, which protested Glasmer’s remarks in the front page editorial of their semi-weekly newsletter.

“[…customers] should be happy to be enlightened! The mainstream, sellout schlock at Trader Joe’s has gotten stale: you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Wegmans in person. Not only do they have killer original material (Weg-O’s anyone?), but their down-to-earth, DIY approach to staffing and maternity leave is unparalleled. They’re like Streetlight Manifesto without the lawsuits. Plus, their subs are legit,” the publication read.

If approached by anyone touting Wegmans as “probably the only thing I’ll miss when I finally move away from this shithole,” consumers are advised to stand their ground, clearly state they are not interested, and firmly mention that Aldi is cheaper.

Proactive Intern Already Facing Sexual Harassment Allegations

Posted on October 9, 2019 by Freelancer

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. — Termagant Pharmaceuticals product strategy intern Jeremy Hastings impressed colleagues last week by receiving more allegations of sexual harassment than any other employee in the company’s history.

“I’ve always had a talent for making women uncomfortable,” said Hastings, who received three additional course credits as a reward for the enterprising use of 135 unsolicited dick pics. “Some people run fast; some people are good at math. My gift is my collection of childhood traumas, which fuels both my frustrations towards women and my ultimate attempts to transmute them to sexual objects as a means of confronting my latent insecurities.”

“I mean, my, um, fat cock. What was the question?” he added.

Melissa Chen, an office administrator at the company, confirmed that Hastings received more than 19 Human Resources complaints from female coworkers over the course of his 10-week summer internship.

“Everyone’s amazed by how quickly Jeremy’s caught on to the culture in this office,” said Chen, swigging from a flask. “Usually, the dudes around here content themselves with placing a hand on the small of your back when they pass, or making lewd comments about Jennifer’s breast-pump. But on Jeremy’s first day, he tried to install a Matt Lauer-esque door-locking mechanism in the break room using an elaborate pulley system.”

CEO Jeff Gibson addressed the company’s official sexual misconduct policy in a recent press release.

“Termagant Pharmaceuticals does not take allegations of sexual harassment lightly,” said Gibson. “They are one of the most integral elements of our company’s value system — which is why we’re prepared to extend Mr. Hastings a full-time job offer after he graduates from Pepperdine University next spring. It usually takes employees the span of their entire career to achieve the number of sexual harassment allegations Jeremy has earned in the few short weeks he’s been with us. Hell, he even managed to beat my record, and I literally killed a woman in Ensenada.”

Additionally, Hastings has been awarded the inaugural Epstein Memorial Scholarship for his notable achievements in the field of sexual misconduct.

We Spoke with Real Americans About the Election But Turns Out They’re All Pretty Fucking Stupid

Posted on October 9, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

Recently, the elitist SJWs of The Hard Times took a moment out of our busy lives of canceling posers to visit some dusty old butthole of a small town and speak with “real Americans” about the 2020 election.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Isn’t it wrong to perpetuate this ill-conceived notion that small town, white Americans are somehow more authentic and/or patriotic than educated, coastal city dwellers?”

It sure is! But every goddamn election, news channel stick microphones in front of these pie-munching yokels as if they’ve got salt-of-the-earth wisdom pouring out of their bulbous asses. So why can’t we reinforce racist and classist stereotypes, too?

But what we learned is, real Americans are really fucking stupid. So stupid that, had this been before my political awakening six months ago, I’d call them an ableist slur. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna- just not in print.

Take Rory, a regular joe gas-pumper living in Iowa. Rory is in favor of a border wall because, as this tobacco-chewing redneck incoherently rambled, “While I support immigration as a whole, I’d prefer future Americans from Latin American countries to use the same legal channels as immigrants like our wonderful neighbors, the Pancholi’s from India.” Ew. What a moron. I’d explain to him why his head is completely up his ass but I don’t think he’d understand. Moving on!

Next, we went to a local diner and spoke with the waitress, Beverly. Beverly lost all her retirement savings in the 2008 crash and needs food stamps and Medicare just to survive. But she will never, ever vote for a Democrat because, according to the words her meth-addled brain was able to string together, “The issues my small town community faces on a day to day level are greatly influenced by local politics and our economic concerns are vastly different than the country as a whole. The small-government aspect of the Republican party trumps all of the issues I am liberal on.” lol wut?

Lastly, we spoke with a man who’s name our lawyers advised us not to print. This fella either confused camo with an appropriate fashion choice or believed he needed cover while eating cream-chipped beef. When asked about his ideal candidate, camo man “wants a guy I can have a beer with.” What a fucking stupid reason to even consider as a factor when voting for the President of the United States! When I voted for Obama I didn’t think, “I’d love to get a beer with this guy!” Hell no. I thought, “I’d like to get a seasonal 90 minute IPA with this guy!”

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from our excursion outside our liberal bubble is this – We should all go vote! Assuming you’re planning to vote for the person we want you to. Otherwise, just stay home.

Suicidal Procrastinator Takes Up Smoking

Posted on October 9, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

FAIRFAX, Va. — Known procrastinator Dave Lowary has started smoking cigarettes in an apparent attempt to end his life, concerned friends and relatives confirmed.

“I’ve just reached this point in life where I feel like I can’t deal with shit anymore and have been like, ‘What’s the point?’” said Lowary, well known for his apathy. “I know this is going to be difficult for everyone to deal with, but I just can’t go on anymore. But I do have a lot of other shit I need to get done before I’m gone, so this smoking thing seems like a good way to start the process.”

Sources close to Lowary state that while the recent announcement is troubling, his propensity to put things off until the last minute has given comfort to his loved ones.

“My initial reaction was fear and dread, but then I remembered this is Dave we’re talking about,” said close friend Alex Hewitt. “I love the guy, but he always just drags things out as long as possible. When he wanted to break up with his fiancée, he honestly kept forgetting or claimed he’d ‘do it another time.’ It got to the point that he just didn’t show up to his own wedding and sent a group text to everyone saying, ‘Maybe next time.’ It takes decades for the effects of smoking to have a serious impact, though, so I figure I have time to talk him out of it.”

Lowary is not alone. Mental health experts claim most procrastinators with suicidal thoughts often face this dilemma.

“Mr. Lowary’s tragic, though trivial, conundrum is something we often see in the uniquely lackadaisical,” reported Dr. Tom Halberstrom of Johns Hopkins Medical School. “His aversion to being proactive about literally anything in his life, combined with the crippling depression he faces, is an epic battle. Often times, suicidal impulses are greater than procrastination, but Mr. Lowary appears to have found the perfect nexus. It’s like he’s taken laziness to an art form.”

At press time, Lowary had purchased a Juul, but put the box aside upon reading that the device needed to be charged prior to usage.

We Sent a Gamer to Drink the Dew on Mount Everest and He Is Almost Certainly Dead

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Andy Holt

It is with a heavy heart and absolutely no civil or criminal liability whatsoever that Hard Drive must announce the likely death of French gamer Jacques Monspierre, who set out earlier this year to sample the purest, most exclusive Mountain Dew of all: the morning dew that gathers on the rocks of Mount Everest. He will be missed.

The project began when Jacques came to us with an idea for an online news story in which he would travel to Nepal, locate a guide, and climb to the summit of the highest mountain on earth. His dream was to try the dew and describe the experience in a 300-word article.

“shit’s gonna go viral AF dude,” Jacques wrote to us in the single email we exchanged with him. “likes n RTs out the fuggin ASS im tellin u man. god bless”

Despite some initial concerns about his fitness routine, which consisted of roughly 12 hours of gaming per day and several 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew: Code Red, we approved the adventure and covered his expenses. It is only now, after conferring with global mountaineering experts, that we realize this was a grave error.

“Given his lack of experience, body type, and the fact that you haven’t heard from him since he began the climb over a year ago, I think it’s safe to assume he didn’t make it,” said Apa, the world-renowned climber who has summited the mountain 21 times, formerly a world record. “There are few certainties in this world, but if I had to pick one, it would be this: he’s dead.”

Jacques is survived by no friends, no significant others, and three cats, probably also dead.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Yang Campaign Rocked As Punkface Photos Surface

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Brooks Gray

NEW YORK — Democratic Presidential hopeful Andrew Yang defended himself this morning when a small, highly opinionated faction of citizens were offended by recently surfaced photos of Yang dressed in “Punkface” as a young man.

“Being punk is more than just throwing on some eyeliner, wearing a Dead Kennedys shirt, and doing that ‘rocker’ hand gesture,” said longtime punk John “Nails” Judnall. “We in the underground music scene have stood by for too long as Hollywood uses ‘normie’ actors to portray us — these people know nothing about drinking so much you think you threw up your vital organs, or giving cops the finger behind their backs. The punks of America demand an apology from Mr. Yang.”

The Yang campaign responded immediately to the faux outrage.

“While we want to be sensitive towards any marginalized citizens, that does not include punks by any stretch of the imagination: if a punk feels discriminated against, they are more than welcome to go take a shower and put on some sensible clothing, and poof — the discrimination will end,” said spokesperson Randy Jones. “We’ve received about a half-dozen emails equating Mr. Yang’s one-time Halloween costume with wearing blackface. I would like to say to those people right now: you are dumb. Please stop emailing us — we won’t apologize, partially because you probably aren’t even registered to vote anyway.”

Social activist groups across the country supported Yang’s non-apologetic stance.

“When I first heard the term ‘Punkface,’ I spit out my coffee. When someone dresses up as a punk, does that reenforce century-old stereotypes so white Americans can have a cheap laugh? Were punks ever denied housing or work based on the band shirt they were wearing? I didn’t think so,” said Mary Anne Porter, head of The Diversity Network, a non-profit seeking to advance racial equality. “And I’m sure these punks are exactly the type whose head would explode if you suggested that Death was one of the first punk bands ever.”

At press time, Forbes was laying low after a series of Instagram photos surfaced of him with a giant mohawk and captions reading, “Hanging with my tribe” and “Beer is my spirit animal.”

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News