Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Viewer Convinced 10 Seconds into Documentary

Posted on October 8, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

DANVILLE, Calif. — Local man Owen Nelson was completely convinced last night that the entire world is run by an elite cabal of billionaire financiers within 10 seconds of watching the new documentary “The Hidden Hands,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“Apparently, this doc finally reveals the truth behind who is pulling the strings of governments across the world. As soon as I saw the grainy black-and-white footage of George H.W. Bush next to a random guy with glasses, I knew where I stood,” said Nelson while frantically Googling “Bilderberg Group.” “We’ve all been operating with our eyes closed for so long. Thankfully, once the title card popped up, I realized my girlfriend and I could be monitored through our phones, so I drew a bath and threw them in the tub.”

However, Nelson’s girlfriend Terry Barnett was far less intrigued.

“Owen has a tendency to believe anything on television. At one point in the opening sequence of the movie, one of the people morphs into some sort of reptile and Owen gasped and whispered, ‘Lizard people!’” said Barnett, standing in her kitchen with her phone in a bag of rice. “Anytime I see a documentary like this, I just think it’s such a joke. All these guys have been in some secret society that dates back to the founding fathers, huh? Frankly, I think it distracts us from the real issues: like the fact that vaccines are creating a generation of zombies.”

“The Hidden Hands” director Hans Gable was excited to learn that his latest offering was well received by Poole.

“It took me years to uncover all the lies we’ve been told. Thankfully, Amazon Prime was brave enough to finally give me a platform to spread the truth,” said Gable. “Mr. Nelson can now live his life knowing that every time he puts gas in his car or pays taxes, his money is going directly to the Trilateral Commission so they can plan another 9/11. Open your eyes, people.”

Nelson was unavailable for any followup — sources report he has since gone “off the grid,” believing his newfound knowledge puts him at risk of extermination by the CIA.

Man Loses All His Friends After Removing Hat With +3 Charisma

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Joe Klein

NEW YORK — Local man Nolan Brubaker’s social life is in tatters after the 30-year-old removed his Hat of +3 Charisma earlier this week, causing him to no longer meet the stat requirements of his friend group. Brubaker had been wearing the hat nonstop for the past eight years, finally taking it off in an ill-advised attempt to prove a point to himself.

“These people have been my friends for so long,” said Brubaker, his hat hair still matted to his pathetic, exposed head. “We’ve made so many memories together. We were all in each other’s wedding parties and I’m even godfather to one of their sons. I just wanted to know for sure whether my friends liked me for me, or just for my uncommon rarity hat. Turns out, it was pretty much all the hat.”

Brubaker made the idiotic decision to rely only on his feeble personality while attending the weekly happy hour at O’Hara’s Bar spearheaded by his former best friend, John Fognano.

“We were all drinking beers, laughing, having a good time, when suddenly Nolan got this serious look in his eyes,” said Fognano, clearly reliving the encounter. “That’s when he slowly reached up to his head and took off the hat. As soon as that thing left his scalp, I remember thinking, ‘How have I never noticed how punchable this guy’s face is?’”

Witnesses reported that mere minutes after Brubaker removed his hat, his friends, as well as several random bystanders, began begging him to put it back on. He refused, no longer willing to live a lie. In response, sources say his friends left him there alone, with nothing more than six unfinished beers and a sizable unpaid bar tab.

“Maybe we were naïve,” pondered another friend, Steve Goldberg, who at one point was considering introducing Brubaker to his sister but now hopes he dies alone. “I guess we thought Nolan was always wearing the hat because he was trying to hide the fact that he was balding or something. And yes, he was, but the truth went even deeper.”

At press time, Brubaker still had not been able to make contact with those he once considered his closest confidants. He has not left the house in several days and has traded in his hat for a pair of +5 Depression sweatpants.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: I Prefer the British Version of the Office GIFs

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Bobby Korec

Many people will tell you that the US version of the Office GIFs are better than their UK predecessors. Those people are simply wrong. Maybe I feel that way because I have a much more refined palette when it comes to expressing my emotions as primetime television GIF snippets. Maybe it’s because I’m the best at sex. Either way, whenever I see someone post a GIF from the US Office version, I reply with a British Office GIF to make it clear which GIF reigns supreme.

To put it short, I think of the US version of the Office as the pumpkin spice latte to the UK version’s black coffee, in that one was clearly first and the other is just a copycat that people enjoy a whole lot more for reasons I simply do not care to figure out. My bitmap image formats need to be authentic and bitter, not imitation and pleasant.

When someone posts a tweet I simply disagree with, replying with a GIF of Steve Carrell saying something enjoyably awkward or Jim making a face at the camera just won’t cut it for me. I need a GIF that’s more biting and dry humoured like that of one of Ricky Gervais’ classic snide, HR conference-inducing remarks.

I guess people just don’t understand British humor, or ‘humour’ as I make sure to point out during online arguments of this nature. It just translates better in a three-second GIF.

Also, it’s pronounced “jif.”

LoFi Hip Hop Radio Girl Still Fails Test After Four Years of Studying

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

PROBABLY SOMEWHERE IN ITALY — Several sources have recently confirmed that the LoFi Hip Hop Radio Girl has failed her exams despite continuously preparing for them since at least 2015.

“Oh, yeah her studies are like, super important to her. She’ll spend ten hours a day in her room just jamming out to some lo-fi hip hop grooves to study to,” said longtime friend and roommate Anna Beecher. “And then at night, she’ll finally come out and take a break with some chill, crackly old-school instrumental jams to relax to.”

Despite this preparation, LoFi Hip Hop Radio Girl’s final test scores proved to be shockingly low, according to her college professor Akari Hojo, who struggled to make sense of her answers.

“On her history test when she was asked about various historical figures, she kept writing about Brenky and Beau Vine,” Hojo said. “My daughter told me those are SoundCloud artists? They definitely weren’t key figures in the French Revolution. I don’t really know what she’s doing wrong, because she’s obviously a hard worker. To be fair, however, I haven’t seen her in class for years.”

When asked about her performance on the test, LoFi Hip Hop Radio Girl was indifferent.

“I dunno what happened, really. I sat in the same room looking at the same notes on my screen for three years. But when I tried to recall any of it, I just kept thinking of blooooooo blooooo blooooo bloo khh chk khk bloooooooo. Does that, like, make sense?”

While the LoFi Hip Hop Radio Girl wouldn’t accept any further questioning, sources claim that she apparently returned to her desk to study for something else entirely.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Misfits Arena-Show Rider Demands Marshmallows Be Separated From Count Chocula

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK —The Misfits updated their show rider yesterday, demanding the marshmallows in their Count Chocula cereal be separated from the rest of the food served to them throughout their highly anticipated reunion tour.

“The sugar from the marshmallows hurts my sensitive teeth,” frontman Glenn Danzig noted. “But I’ve eaten Count Chocula every night for dinner since I started this band, and I’m not going to stop now… or go start going to the dentist either. I’ve gotten to a point in my career where I’ve earned the right to have those doggone marshmallows weeded out for me.”

“I also like the puzzles on the back of the box,” Danzig added. “One day, I hope to actually solve one.”

Madison Square Garden interns were tasked with extracting the marshmallows from each box of cereal for the legendary horror punk band’s New York show.

“Every time a reunited punk band comes through here, we get ludicrous requests like this,” intern Halie Camberstein said. “Honestly, I didn’t really mind this one — it was just a little creepy that Jerry Only peered over my shoulder the whole time. Turns out, Jerry likes to save the marshmallows for last, but doesn’t want them getting soggy from sitting in the milk, so he has them staged separately.”

Music historians have long noted a direct relationship between a band’s popularity and their outrageous rider demands.

“We’re seeing a lot more of this activity with the rise of veteran punk bands launching reunion tours,” music documentarian Gabrielle Traudestar said. “Young punk bands start out hungry and just want to play, but as soon as they taste stardom, their demands become increasingly more absurd. Look at the Dropkick Murphys: they used to be an up-and-coming Celtic punk band that would play for free Guinness. And now? They won’t even set up their instruments until someone removes all red balloon marshmallows from their bowls of Lucky Charms. Punks are oddly particular about their cereal preferences.”

At press time, the Misfits had reportedly trashed a backstage green room in frustration after the venue accidentally provided them with Boo Berry cereal instead.

Entire Class Stares at Punk After Word Problem Asks About Dividing Up 430 Drink Tickets

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Claire Brown

PASADENA, Calif. — Classmates turned and stared expectantly yesterday at high school student and local punk Samuel “The Cat” Chesters after geometry teacher Selena Bryson asked a question about dividing up 430 drink tickets amongst 43 punks, curious sources confirmed.

“The question was easy, man,” said Chesters, nearly falling out of his chair while trying to balance it on its hind legs to put his feet up on his desk. “The answers, like… 10, I think? Yeah, 10. Didn’t even need my graphing calculator for that one — especially since it was a problem about something everybody knows, like splitting up drink tickets you find in the trash can behind the venue bar.”

“It was fucking surreal,” claimed Mary Tallsmouth, a junior who sits by Chesters. “The question was destined for him: even the try-hard kids in the front just turned to face him, waiting patiently for his answer. And he actually raised his hand and didn’t even call Mrs. Bryson a fat cow who’s too old to have any children when he got called on this time.”

Bryson, who has always struggled to engage Chesters, was awestruck by the occurrence — especially by Chesters’ correct answer.

“It didn’t even occur to me that I should ask him that question… because usually if I ask him anything, he takes his backpack and leaves class. But the entire class was fixated on him as he counted on his fingers,” she explained. “Then he raised his hand, and he got it right. I don’t know if there was a typo or something, but thank God — it raised his class participation grade to a D-plus.”

“Just for kicks, I wrote him a multivariable calculus question about ordering cassettes for a merch desk, and he solved it in 30 seconds,” she added. “He’s been in my geometry class for seven years. I asked him how many sides a hexagon has afterwards, and he tried to stab me with his pencil.”

At press time, fellow classmate and future promoter Davey Alonzo asked his teacher why that many drink tickets would ever be offered to a bill full of punk bands.

Monster Attack Leaves 37 Dead, 120 Homeless, 1 Power Ranger Having Learned Valuable Lesson About Peer Pressure

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Charles E.P. Murphy

ANGEL GROVE, Calif. — The Levy Heights massacre, in which a half-boar half-clown monster called Piggly Giggly destroyed dozens of mixed-use and residential buildings, has left at least 37 people dead, 120 homeless, and one Yellow Power Ranger alive, having learned a very important lesson about the dangers of peer pressure.

“Everyone at school thought that new girl Sharkie was really cool, and I just wanted to fit in with her,” explains Yellow Ranger Trini Kwan, while paramedics nearby worked to revive a man recovered from a pile of rubble whose injuries she was responsible for.

“Unfortunately, Sharkie said she’d only think I was cool if I smoked,” Kwan continued to explain.

Sources say that Kwan was convinced by a new transfer student known only as Sharkie to smoke behind the Angel Grove High School bleachers. As a direct result, she was not present to help the other Rangers when Piggly Giggly began his attack.

“Casualties would definitely have been fewer if the monster hadn’t had time to bring down the side of the tower,” said first responder Carter Grayson of the fire department, estimating that with one more Power Ranger present to fight off the monster, the death toll would be closer to its regular average of four to seven.

“Fortunately, only three children were killed, and thank goodness the Yellow Ranger knows not to smoke anymore. That’s just as deadly.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Pumpkin Spice Latte Calls Cops on Black Cold Brew

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Kevin Tit

BETHESDA, Md. — A grande-sized pumpkin spice latte for Karen called the police moments ago on a black cold brew coffee sitting on the other end of the counter waiting to be picked up, according to Starbucks officials who are “looking into it.”

“Listen, this has nothing to do with color — I know tons of black coffees,” said the popular sugar-filled seasonal beverage. “But you just don’t see a lot of cold brew around this time of year… especially all black. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! It’d just been hanging out there for a while by itself, so I got a little suspicious and called the police to get some peace of mind.”

Other beverages who had also seen the cold brew on the counter weighed in.

“Man, these pumpkin spice lattes are always pulling this shit,” said a tall café Americano for Jade. “That cold brew was minding its own damn business — I saw it get there shortly before I was picked up. These entitled pumpkin spice ass-clowns do the same shit year after year, rolling out every fall just to get in everybody’s fucking business. We’re so sick of their artificially flavored shit.”

Security footage showed multiple uniformed police officers arriving at the scene with guns fully drawn — one of which placed the cold brew in a chokehold, spilling its contents all over the floor despite the coffee showing no visible signs of resisting arrest or even being a threat. The officer responsible is now on paid leave.

“Listen, when somebody calls the police, they have to come check it out,” said an old-fashioned glazed donut in the Starbucks food display case. “It’s life and death every day for our boys in blue, and there’s been a dramatic increase in suspicious activity involving suspects who match the description of the victim.”

Civil rights leaders have been critical of Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, since the incident.

“This would never have happened to a cold brew ordered with cream and sugar,” exclaimed Rev. Al Sharpton. “Whether tall, grande or venti, no cold brew, espresso, or even regular hot coffee should experience this — or any type of discrimination — just for being served black.”

Photo by Senny Mau.

We Look Back on Pretending to Like Kid-A

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Nick Ortolani

Here at the Hard Times, we like to revisit albums that we are required to revere. Many of these works have forever changed the way we, both as a culture and as individuals, discuss music. That’s why today we’re looking back on pretending to like Radiohead’s Kid A.

Released in 2000, Kid A marked a radical change for Britain’s whine-rock group Radiohead (stylized in England as RadioueHeade). Gone were the familiar elements such as guitars, replaced instead with blocky synthesizers and what we’ve been told is a saxophone at one point. Foolishly, our initial appraisal was largely negative, as we thought the album sounded like a dial up modem reading poetry.

The public backlash was almost immediate. Our colleagues, our peers, our friends, all chastised us for our lack of musical acumen. Naturally, we started claiming that we had to “let it grow on us after a few listens,” when the truth of the matter was that we hadn’t even listened to it the whole way through the first time. Eventually, we came to say that Kid A was the band’s magnum opus, an adulation we don’t falsify for just any record.

By the turn of the century we were required to embellish our admiration for many albums. We once famously said that My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless was “the most satisfying auditory experience conceivable.” But Kid A changed the game completely. For the first time we had to praise something that literally you could not actually listen to. We were compelled to use words like “texture” and “atmospheric ambience,” despite not knowing what those words mean in relation to sound.

It wasn’t just us either. Many respected music critics were also pretending to like Kid A. Most publications praised Kid A for fear of not seeming smart enough to understand the album. As a result, Kid A became one of the most universally and unreliably critically acclaimed albums.

At one point considered a classic by everyone we were trying to impress, Kid A has aged poorly in terms of us needing people to think we like it. A retrospective listening proves that is a mere shadow of the band’s universally agreed upon masterpiece, Pablo Honey.

Method Actor Joaquin Phoenix Rumored to Have Developed Sense of Humor in Preparation for Joker Role

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Reports are surfacing from behind the scenes of the hit film Joker that famously committed actor Joaquin Phoenix painstakingly developed a relatable sense of humor for his titular role in the film.

“I’ve never seen him work so hard on a part,” said Abby Leonard, Phoenix’s long-time personal assistant. “He’s put on weight and studied people before and all of that, but he’s never gone this deep. Normally he’s this pretentious asshole that I’m worried about rubbing the wrong way with a simple question, but he started yelling less about brands of bottled water and just kinda being a jokey, normal guy. It has been nice.”

Phoenix’s last notable foray into humor was 2010’s I’m Still Here, a fictional documentary that followed the star having a public meltdown as he transitioned into becoming a hip hop performer. The film’s director, Casey Affleck, was later accused of sexual misconduct by two women who were on the set of the alleged comedy.

“Yeah, nothing good came out of that one,” said Leonard. “Unless you count legendary footage of Joaquin being a weirdo on Letterman and uh, taking a shit on his assistant or something? I don’t know, there were so many gags in that movie I can’t keep track of them all!”

Phoenix’s preparations reportedly were exhaustive and took several months. In addition to attending comedy shows and film screenings in the evenings, he also spent his days at bars and office buildings to study the rhythms of humorous people.

“Whasssssupppppp?” asked Phoenix, when asked how this role compared to previous performances, such as his Oscar-nominated work in 2005’s Walk the Line, for which he learned to sing and play guitar in the style of Johnny Cash. “No, I’m just busting your balls a little bit. It was hard, sure, but it’s always a little hard. That’s what she said! Oh my god, I am the KING of ‘That’s what she said’ jokes!”

Joker is in theaters now, and Joaquin Phoenix can be seen eating mystery jelly beans with Jimmy Fallon this Tuesday on The Tonight Show.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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