Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

STUDY: Punks Having to Steal More and More from Work Just to Earn a Living Wage

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — An alarming new study out of the University of Delaware finds that the average millennial punk has to steal significantly more from work than previous generations, just to earn a living wage.

“While the wage gap is a serious issue affecting virtually all Americans, income inequality has especially hit the punk community hard — particularly those only doing the bare minimum of work in order to pay for their band’s upcoming tour,” said lead researcher Emily J. Browne. “Just a few decades ago, your average punk could support themselves and their local scene on a minimum wage salary. But now, many punks need to steal several rolls of toilet paper and coworkers’ lunches per week to survive.”

The study predicted that, as income inequality continues to grow, punks may soon be forced to steal bigger items to survive — like a breakroom fridge, or their CEO’s rooftop helicopter. Punk and frequent workplace thief Tammy Walker, who didn’t “give a fuck about staying anonymous” despite our insistence she could lose her job, explained how difficult it has become to make ends meet.

“It used to be I would steal anything that wasn’t nailed down because it was fun, and also fuck my bosses. But that’s not the world we live in anymore,” said Walker. “It was a sad day when I realized I was swiping printer ink out of necessity, and not because I was addicted to the adrenaline rush of larceny.”

Despite the grim economic forecast, many Baby Boomers, including business owner and former punk Kay Paez, feel little sympathy for the petty thieves of younger generations.

“Back in my day, we didn’t sit around and whine about how hard it was to get by. We sold drugs. Like, a fuck ton of drugs,” said Paez. “Besides, why do these punks think they deserve to be able to support themselves just because they work full 40-hour weeks? Go and get a few part-time jobs if you really need the extra cash. Hell, I’d be willing to pay some of these kids to come wash my boat or clean my pool if they weren’t so whiny.”

Compounding the dire news, the study also found that, due to the competitive job market, punks are being forced to skateboard further and further outside the city to find suitable employment.

Catwoman Reminds Comic Con Hookup That After This Weekend Their Relationship Is No Longer Canon

Posted on October 6, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — Erica Matthison, a New York Comic Con attendee dressed as Catwoman, reportedly told her con hookup late last night that their relationship will cease to be canon after convention ends, according to those familiar with the situation.

“This relationship is a one-off,” Matthison told her partner, a man dressed as Assassin’s Creed 2’s Ezio. “It’s like Star Wars: Heir to the Empire — despite its quality and intensity, it’s better remembered as a fun diversion than a crucial part of the main series.”

Sunday morning, the Ezio cosplayer attempted to find out where Catwoman worked and reportedly tried to track her down via her Instagram account.

“This happens every year,” Matthison told a Harley Quinn while walking to Artist’s Alley. “People need to understand that Comic Con hookups are like the Elseworlds of relationships.”

Due to repeated awkward conversations, Matthison said that that next year she is only going to romantically seek out Jokers, because they “have a propensity for chaos” and “tend not to get attached.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Buys Booze for Teens in Exchange for Hot-Topic-Exclusive Funko Pop

Posted on October 6, 2019 by Michael Luis

CHICAGO — Local man Keith McKenna purchased alcohol for a group of teens last Friday on the condition that they buy him a Hot Topic-exclusive Funko Pop, snickering sources confirmed.

“I’ve been collecting Funko Pops for a few years now,” said McKenna. “I’m a huge fan of the band Ghost, and I was thrilled when they announced a figurine of Papa Emeritus II. However, my heart sank when I saw it was a Hot Topic exclusive — there’s no way in hell I’m going in there. What if my niece was shopping for a studded belt and saw me? I’d have a hard time explaining that at Thanksgiving, that’s for sure.”

McKenna was initially met with opposition by the teenage boys in the food court.

“This really pale dude came up to me and my buddy Austin, and said he’d give us free booze if we did him a favor. I thought the guy was going to start touching us or something, so I was ready to beat his ass,” said teen Skyler Martinez. “But when he explained that he just didn’t want to go in the Hot Topic, I actually understood — my sister worked there and it sucked. She bought records for my dad there that were colored exclusives because he wouldn’t be caught dead in there. And this was a pretty easy way to score some booze and maybe some Juul pods.”

However, Hot Topic employee Kayla Rogers noted it was unusual to see someone of Martinez’s age buy the big-headed statuette.

“I thought teens just listened to rap these days,” said Rogers. “It was cool to see they’re into Ghost — I saw a YouTube clip of them playing on ‘The Late Show’ and they were sick. I probably sold 10 of these to teens today. I thought it would be mainly 30-something metalheads coming in for it, but I mainly just saw dudes like that sitting outside the store on a bench holding a paper bag. They must have been shopping for their wives or something.”

At press time, McKenna had become known as “Hot Topic Guy” online as, unbeknownst to him, Martinez, a.k.a. the popular YouTuber Pu$$yBoi, uploaded a video of the transaction to his account.

“METAL GUY SHOPS AT HOT TOPIC / SUPER CRINGE!!!” currently has over 300,000 views.

Man Just Doing Everything on Acid Until Vice Decides to Pay Him for It

Posted on October 6, 2019 by Kyle Erf

NEW YORK — Local freelance writer Dane Maxwell decided today that he will go through life experiencing a never-ending acid trip until he finally gets something published by Vice magazine, concerned sources report.

“It started out simple enough — Dane was going to write about going to a county fair upstate while tripping balls on this acid we got from some weird drifter down by Rockaway Beach,” said Maxwell’s roommate Adam Glickson. “He submitted it to Vice, and got an automated response to try again later… so for the past nine weeks, he’s just been dropping a new tab every four hours in case they actually get back to him. I don’t think he’s even writing down his experiences anymore — now, he seems terrified of his notebook, and thinks his laptop screen is a portal to hell.”

However, Maxwell believes his sustained trip has allowed him to gain greater clarity about his life goals.

“I thought writing for Vice would be cool, but now I realize none of this is even real. I’m not real, you aren’t real, and the thousands of purple-y blue fractal tracers I see around everyone’s head aren’t real,” explained Maxwell. “Thankfully, I have a book in my head I’ve been writing about everything I see. Once I download that to the world’s internal computer I’ll sell that to whoever pays the most. You already know what it means, just look around… everything is alive.”

“Look, there’s another cop car,” he added.

A representative for Vice Media discouraged future freelance writers from going to such great lengths to be published.

“At Vice, we want to continue to push the limits of journalism and report on topics that most mainstream outlets won’t touch. But we kind of already did the whole drug thing — we have more articles about edibles than I can count,” said Vice strategist Roland Biggs. “Right now we’re looking for more people who want to embed themselves inside of violent, far-right hate groups and then send us stories about their experience — if you’re a POC journalist who wants to infiltrate a neo-Nazi terrorist organization, that’s even better. Pitch us.”

As of press time, Maxwell reported that he was stuck in a “400 million mile deep hole,” which was later revealed to be his closet.

Photo posed by Patreon supporter Harry Law. Do you want to be in a Hard Times article go to www.patreon.com/thehardtimes for details.

So You Loudly Pronounced “Sufjan Stevens” Wrong in a Record Store. Here’s How to Leave Town and Start a New Life

Posted on October 6, 2019 by Michael Luis

So, you’ve done it. You were flipping through the S section at your local record store and loudly exclaimed to your girlfriend “Oh, they have Illinois by Suff-jann Stevens. I’ve been meaning to get a copy for ages.”

And everybody heard you.

“Um, it’s pronounced Soof-yann,” says the bearded clerk wearing a Pitchfork Fest 2008 shirt, using a scornful tone typically only reserved for judges sentencing a heartless criminal.

“Yeah,” adds your girlfriend. “Everybody knows that.”

This is a new girlfriend you really like. You see a future with her: kids, complementary careers, and a cute character home in a hip area. However, no girlfriend, no future, and no cute character home will heal the deep, soul-crushing shame you feel in that moment.

So, you need to leave town and start a new life.

Firstly, fake your own death. Fabricate an illness; leave a mysterious suicide note; dress a crash-test dummy in your clothing, fill it with raspberry jam, and hurl it off a bridge. Get creative and use your imagination. Feel free to say farewell to your loved ones, but don’t overdo it. We don’t want anybody getting suspicious.

Next you’re going to want to pick your new city. Go ahead and choose something with a nice arts scene. Just because you had to leave behind everyone you know, it doesn’t mean you have to abandon your indie-rock fandom.

You’ll next want to get in touch with a criminal launderer. You need to get your money to you in your new city. A quick search on the deep web should put your information in the right hands. Once you have your money, you’ll want to spend it on some cosmetic procedures. Always felt self-conscious about your pointy nose? Now’s the time to try a new look.

After finding a new place, a new job, and a new group of friends, your transition will be complete. If an old acquaintance vacationing in your new city spots and recognizes you, don’t hesitate to kidnap them, murder them, and melt the body in a vat of acid. You’ve already once killed your indie cred. What’s killing a person?

Eventually you’ll meet a new girl. You see the kids, the careers, the house, and everything feels right. You’ll return to the S section in your new favorite record store and look at a used copy of Carrie & Lowell. You turn to her. “You ever get into Soof-yann?”

“Yes, I love him,” she replies, and the two of you share a kiss. Your eyes then drift a few records over.

“Do you like Siggurr Ross?” you continue. “I had a post-rock phase in college.”

“Um, it’s pronounced See-Uhrr Rose,” she replies. Everybody in the store looks at you, their eyes piercing with the power of 1000 bullets.

You remorsefully look at your beautiful girlfriend one last time, for you know what must be done.

Gender Neutral Bathroom Full of Racist Graffiti

Posted on October 6, 2019 by Goodrich Gevaart

AUGUSTA, Maine — A gender neutral bathroom at local, all ages DIY punk venue Ramparts is reportedly covered from floor to ceiling in alarmingly racist graffiti, according to multiple disturbed sources.

“I’ve been in the punk scene for a long time, so I’ve seen how ‘casual’ racism can permeate the culture… but this bathroom is far from casual. It was like every member of the KKK was given a Sharpie and told to keep writing until the ink runs out,’” said attendee Kira Evans after using the bathroom during a matinee show. “Even individual sheets of toilet paper had fucked up shit written on them. You know when people say, ‘I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with that?’ Well, I finally understand it.”

Ramparts patrons claim the racist graffiti has been a problem in the bathroom for years.

“The people who run this place made a big deal about how they put up an ‘All Gender Restroom’ sign, and tried to proclaim they’re super progressive… but this is the only bathroom in the building, so it was already gender neutral by default,” said Augusta punk mainstay Mike “Chewy” Lentz. “And it’s super confusing why they’ve made no effort to cover up any of the awful graffiti in there, take down any of those fucking ‘Barack Hussein Obama Bin Laden’ stickers, or even throw out the whiteboard that has the N-word written on it next to a giant dick and balls that’s just sitting in the corner. Doesn’t that stuff wipe off?”

For their part, venue management claimed they have been trying to solve their graffiti problem for years.

“Let me start by saying this: our venue is an all-inclusive space. Yes, the bathroom has a slight racism problem that’s made some of our POC scene members feel unsafe, but you have to see it from our side — we looked at our budget, but paint is expensive, and we’ll go broke trying to cover all that shit up just to have it all come back,” said Ramparts co-owner Donny Clifford. “There was one week where we locked the bathroom so nobody could use it… and all of a sudden, there was a ton of racist shit written on our bar. I’m not sure we can stop it alone — this is the Northeast, after all.”

A lawyer for the venue’s only working toilet says her client plans to go on strike if its workplace isn’t cleared of all offending graffiti.

Photo by Shelby Kettrick.

Model Train Enthusiast Sick of Finding Crust Punk Figurines Hiding in Freight Cars

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

HENDERSON, Nev. — Model train enthusiast and man possibly on the brink of madness Jonathan Mackay is reportedly “sick and tired” of finding crust punk figurines hiding in his freight cars, worried sources confirmed.

“A few months ago, I had a stress-induced… episode… and had to move back in with my parents. Of course, I got bored, so I dug out my grandfather’s model train set from the attic. That’s when the strangeness started,” said Mackay. “I found a crust punk figurine huddled in one of the freight cars. Yeah, I was impressed by the legibility of his teeny band patches, but it didn’t fit my Dixie Victorian theme. So, I chucked it. The next morning, though, there were five new figurines and a ton of miniature, empty kombucha bottles strewn about.”

Mackay’s loved ones, including mother Judy Mackay, admit they’re concerned by his increasingly unhinged behavior.

“Jonathan has been going through a lot lately, and I worry he’s beginning to crack. He claimed he found an unauthorized punk show in his ticket station… and asking if there’s anything wrong with grandpa’s silly, little model train set,” said Mackay’s mother. “Come to think of it, my father did work at a switchyard for 40 years and frequently had to chase crust punks out of freight cars. And allegedly, one of them put a curse on his first born grandchild, which just so happens to be Jonathan. But I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

Just last week, Mackay was arrested for setting fire to his model train set and nearly destroying his parents’ home.

“We got the blaze under control quickly, but the circumstances surrounding the fire were, to say the least, bizarre,” said Lt. Kirstie Lambert. “[Mackay] was screaming about how ‘the crusties did it’ and that he’d warned them to not smoke so close to the engine house. Of course, he was then fitted with a straight jacket and forcibly strapped to an ambulance gurney.”

At press time, Mackay has been involuntarily institutionalized. However, at least one first responder claimed to have found teeny, tiny, figurine-sized packs of American Spirit cigarettes in the rubble.

Punk Has Read About Hard Times Book But Hasn’t Read It

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Jordan Breeding

BALTIMORE — Self-described “literary punk” Candy Huang reported today that although she’d read about the groundbreaking book, “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years,” she hadn’t actually read it herself.

“I enjoy reading pretty much every novel genre besides Westerns and African-American lit,” said Huang. “I’ve honestly read so many articles and reviews praising ‘The Hard Times: The First 40 Years’ for being the greatest collection of words ever printed, I almost feel like I’ve legally purchased and read it for myself, you know?”

Though Huang seemed content with her second-hand experiences with “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years,” many in the punk book community were quick to label her an “illiterate poser.”

“Forget the book for a second — any true ‘Hard Times’ fan should easily be able to quote 60-70 of their top articles from memory as a baseline,” said Brandon “Hairy Leg” O’Neil, underlining a passage in Celia C. Pérez’s “The First Rule of Punk.” “As for the book itself, you’ve either read it, memorized it, smothered it in hot sauce, ingested it, pooped it out, put the poop in a jar, put the poop jar on a shelf, kissed the poop jar every night before you go to bed… or, frankly, you can’t call yourself a real ‘Hard Times’ fan at all, you know?”

Although every respected literary review outlet in the known universe has given “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” a glowing recommendation, some reviewers went even further in their praise.

“‘The Hard Times: The First 40 Years’ is a singular achievement in punk writing that shouldn’t be missed,” said punk literary magazine Crustfork in their review. “And when we say shouldn’t be missed, we mean anybody who doesn’t read the book cover-to-cover should be systematically hunted down and picked off, one by one. We as Crustfork staff advocate for a Purge-like holiday whereby those who don’t read ‘The Hard Times: The First 40 Years’ can be safely targeted and eliminated without legal repercussions. Please sign our Change.org petition.”

When asked when such a holiday might occur, Crustfork reviewer Skeezy Dan confirmed that “really any Thursday in April would probably be nice.”

At press time, “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” was selling so well, it has become socially unacceptable to read anything else.

Real Life Billie Joe Armstrong? This Guy Is the Lead Singer and Guitarist of Green Day

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

Is this the real life Billie Joe Armstrong? Recently, the punk rock and alternative music experts of The Hard Times discovered a man that takes rock music fandom to a whole new level. Not only is he probably the biggest fan of Green Day in the world, he’s such a huge fan that he’s practically the real life Billie Joe Armstrong! Don’t believe us? Let’s look at the evidence:

For one, this guy knows the lyrics to every single Green Day song – even the really obscure, early tunes. And he can also play them all on guitar, and can even sing just like BJA. Maybe that on it’s own isn’t so impressive, but consider this – this guy wrote most of those songs and he even tours with Green Day! And I don’t just mean he follows the band around. The Green Day actually lets him up on stage and even allows him to sing lead on all the songs. You gotta love a band that embraces their fans that way. Very cool, Green Day!

Music is one thing, but this guy even modeled his personal life after Billie Joe Armstrong by getting married to Billie Joe Armstrong’s real life wife, Adrienne Armstrong. Pretty wild, right? We’re not sure if polygamy is legal in the state of California, but no one can deny that this guy really, really likes the band Green Day.

Now here’s where it gets especially weird. The guy lives in a mansion that, according to the deed, is owned by Billie Joe Armstrong. And after rooting through his garbage can, we found several pieces of junk mail addressed to Billie Joe Armstrong. And finally, when this guy confronted us for rooting through his garbage can and we asked him who he was, he replied “I’m Billie Joe Armstrong, asshole. And I’m calling the cops.”

While there’s no way to know for sure if this guy truly is the real life Billie Joe Armstrong, there’s no denying that, no matter who he is, he’s Green Day’s biggest fan!

Wendy’s Releases Twenty-Sided Bacon Cheeseburger

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Doug Francisco

DUBLIN, Ohio – In a press conference today, Wendy’s announced a new twenty-sided bacon cheeseburger which will be released later this month to tie in to the restaurant’s new tabletop roleplaying game.

“When we announced that Wendy’s would be making its first foray into fantasy roleplaying, many people scoffed, or wrote it off as a joke,” CEO Todd A. Penegor told reporters gathered at the company’s headquarters. “All of those people would fail an intelligence test on our fresh, never frozen die, because they’re looking pretty stupid right about now.”

The company said in a written statement the so-called Dice of Baconator will also be available with four, six, eight, and ten sides. A twelve side version was considered but ultimately scrapped for having no discernable use. In addition to the die, the company is coming out with a line of products to be used with the new game.

“No campaign would be complete without the Spicy Chicken DM screen, the sour cream and chive baked graph paper, or the congealed chili miniatures,” Penegor. “It’s our commitment to offering a comprehensive and fresh gaming experience that is also indulgent and smothered in classic Wendy’s menu items.”

Critics are hailing the move as obvious given the entire fast food industry’s turn toward shameless PR grabs which make practically no sense.

“It’s a no-brainer, really,” longtime quick service dining analyst Arthur Cho said in an interview Friday. “Me and the guys back at the office have a pool going to see which chain tries to ironically murder someone first. We’re all very happy to see companies stopping short of that.”

The Dice of Baconator is available at all Wendy’s locations while supplies last. Many in the tabletop community are dubbing it a must have collector’s item for tabletop enthusiasts and anyone who likes owning dice that rot.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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