Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Real Life Billie Joe Armstrong? This Guy Is the Lead Singer and Guitarist of Green Day

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

Is this the real life Billie Joe Armstrong? Recently, the punk rock and alternative music experts of The Hard Times discovered a man that takes rock music fandom to a whole new level. Not only is he probably the biggest fan of Green Day in the world, he’s such a huge fan that he’s practically the real life Billie Joe Armstrong! Don’t believe us? Let’s look at the evidence:

For one, this guy knows the lyrics to every single Green Day song – even the really obscure, early tunes. And he can also play them all on guitar, and can even sing just like BJA. Maybe that on it’s own isn’t so impressive, but consider this – this guy wrote most of those songs and he even tours with Green Day! And I don’t just mean he follows the band around. The Green Day actually lets him up on stage and even allows him to sing lead on all the songs. You gotta love a band that embraces their fans that way. Very cool, Green Day!

Music is one thing, but this guy even modeled his personal life after Billie Joe Armstrong by getting married to Billie Joe Armstrong’s real life wife, Adrienne Armstrong. Pretty wild, right? We’re not sure if polygamy is legal in the state of California, but no one can deny that this guy really, really likes the band Green Day.

Now here’s where it gets especially weird. The guy lives in a mansion that, according to the deed, is owned by Billie Joe Armstrong. And after rooting through his garbage can, we found several pieces of junk mail addressed to Billie Joe Armstrong. And finally, when this guy confronted us for rooting through his garbage can and we asked him who he was, he replied “I’m Billie Joe Armstrong, asshole. And I’m calling the cops.”

While there’s no way to know for sure if this guy truly is the real life Billie Joe Armstrong, there’s no denying that, no matter who he is, he’s Green Day’s biggest fan!

Wendy’s Releases Twenty-Sided Bacon Cheeseburger

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Doug Francisco

DUBLIN, Ohio – In a press conference today, Wendy’s announced a new twenty-sided bacon cheeseburger which will be released later this month to tie in to the restaurant’s new tabletop roleplaying game.

“When we announced that Wendy’s would be making its first foray into fantasy roleplaying, many people scoffed, or wrote it off as a joke,” CEO Todd A. Penegor told reporters gathered at the company’s headquarters. “All of those people would fail an intelligence test on our fresh, never frozen die, because they’re looking pretty stupid right about now.”

The company said in a written statement the so-called Dice of Baconator will also be available with four, six, eight, and ten sides. A twelve side version was considered but ultimately scrapped for having no discernable use. In addition to the die, the company is coming out with a line of products to be used with the new game.

“No campaign would be complete without the Spicy Chicken DM screen, the sour cream and chive baked graph paper, or the congealed chili miniatures,” Penegor. “It’s our commitment to offering a comprehensive and fresh gaming experience that is also indulgent and smothered in classic Wendy’s menu items.”

Critics are hailing the move as obvious given the entire fast food industry’s turn toward shameless PR grabs which make practically no sense.

“It’s a no-brainer, really,” longtime quick service dining analyst Arthur Cho said in an interview Friday. “Me and the guys back at the office have a pool going to see which chain tries to ironically murder someone first. We’re all very happy to see companies stopping short of that.”

The Dice of Baconator is available at all Wendy’s locations while supplies last. Many in the tabletop community are dubbing it a must have collector’s item for tabletop enthusiasts and anyone who likes owning dice that rot.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Self-Conscious Lead Singer Pretty Sure Everyone Staring at Him

Posted on October 5, 2019 by Bobby Korec

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Grave Danger lead singer and self-described “walking ball of nerves” Dave Schwantes admitted today that he was “pretty sure” everyone was staring at him during his band’s entire set at a show last night.

“People were staring and smiling, like they were laughing at me or something,” Schwantes said. “The day before, I practiced all my moves in front of a mirror so I wouldn’t mess up… but then during the show, when everyone was staring, all I kept thinking was, ‘Where do my hands go?’”

Members of the audience, however, were reportedly pleased with the band’s performance and hardly noticed Schwantes’ discomfort onstage.

“Sure, I was staring at him — he’s the singer,” audience member Linda Gorrac said. “But I was also looking at the rest of the band, the pit, and most of all, my beer, so it wouldn’t spill. Overall, they were amazing, though.”

“Actually, now that I think about it, the guy kept checking his phone in between songs like he was pretending to text,” Gorrac continued. “I do the same thing when I’m feeling self-conscious in the elevator at work. I guess we all do that. Kinda weird to do it then, though.”

Experts say this type of behavior is fairly uncommon for band leaders, who generally show a lack of self awareness.

“Singers are characteristically more self-centered than self-conscious,” musician psychiatrist Rita Haybauer iterated. “I once knew a singer whose bandmates said he never showed up to practice and routinely canceled shows. If he were more self-aware, or even slightly self-conscious, he might’ve realized he was pissing off the band and adjusted his behavior. That singer was Morrissey, and this cautionary tale has led to countless breakthroughs among my patients.”

At press time, Schwantes’ bandmates were attempting to cheer him up while he was standing at a urinal in the venue’s restroom, triggering his bathroom stage fright and rendering him unable to urinate with so many people around.

“Rival” Band Totally Indifferent to Your Existence

Posted on October 4, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

OKLAHOMA CITY — Indie noise band Gifthorse is knee-deep in a heated, one-sided rivalry this week with the generally “nice dudes” in fellow local band Weed Killer, mostly uninterested sources confirmed.

“Goddamn son-of-a-bitch jerkoff scumbag bastards,” said Gifthorse guitarist Lenny Hawkins. “They think they’re so great because they never tripped and busted their lip open on the urinal trough or drunkenly hit on someone’s 14-year-old daughter. And they’re always saying obnoxious things like, ‘Great set, guys,’ and ‘Need help unloading your gear?’ and ‘Sorry your mom kicked you out, you need a place to crash?’ Which, maybe sounds like they’re being nice, but you weren’t there. They were being dicks.”

Larry Hawkins’ step-sister Maya O’Neill claimed Gifthorse frequently “messed with” their unaware rivals, and often received cartoonishly disastrous results.

“Their pranks on Weed Killer almost always backfired on them somehow — it’s like they’re a noise rock version of Wile E. Coyote and Weed Killer is the none-the-wiser Road Runner,” said O’Neill. “One time they slashed Weed Killer’s tires before a show, but all that did was make it so Gifthorse had to go on earlier than usual. The schedule change meant they hadn’t quite hit that sweet spot between ‘buzzed’ and ‘blackout drunk,’ resulting in a way more terrible than usual show.”

Local bartender Eamon Marsh admitted it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when or why the so-called rivalry began.

“Maybe the dudes in Gifthorse think it’s a Beatles and Stones rivalry, and competition will make them a better band. But based on the fact that they still don’t know how to tune their instruments, I’d say getting better definitely isn’t a priority,” said Marsh. “I think they’re just a bunch of assholes. But then again, neither band tips well, so as far as I’m concerned they can all get skull-fucked sideways.”

When reached for comment, Weed Killer guitarist Steve Hoffman was cordial but indifferent.

“Oh, yeah… the Gifthorses are pretty alright. I don’t really know them that well,” Hoffman said. “What’s the one guy’s name? Larry? Tell him, ‘What’s up.’”

Worst Political Facebook Rant in History Leaves 10 Unfriended, 37 Unfollowed

Posted on October 4, 2019 by Matt McClurg

BOISE, Idaho — A pointless, rambling political rant posted to Facebook by local man Terry Boe this morning resulted in mass casualties to his friend count, leaving 10 unfriended and 37 unfollowed in its wake.

“Our freedoms are under attack. The best place to inform the world at large is by going to Facebook and waiting for my post to go viral,” said Boe, still sweating from the exhausting process of replying to all the comments. “But the radical left, in the form of my nieces and nephews, reared its ugly head again. These millennial snowflakes kept trying to tell me which words I can and can’t use, all the while crying about how I shouldn’t be invited to Thanksgiving.”

The misguided rant reportedly touched on recent Netflix comedy specials, the concept of P.C. police, and the poor service Boe got at a nearby Denny’s — which he attributed to a pro-Trump T-shirt he was wearing.

“I try not to engage with anyone on Facebook — especially someone with a bald eagle carrying the American flag as their profile photo. The whole platform is just a giant cesspool. But when my brother-in-law Terry ranted about how kids who survived school shootings need to ‘man up,’ I had to say something,” said recently unfollowed Facebook user and family member Maggie O’Leary. “He responded to my comment with a weird link to a GIF page that redirected me to a page saying I was in trouble with the IRS and needed to call them immediately to avoid a trial.”

Social media experts say incidences like this are only becoming more common. Some have even proposed legislation to limit ranters’ access to Facebook.

“The internet is obviously a great tool for communication, but it gives some people the crazy idea that their opinions actually matter,” said People for Sensible Posts founder Miranda Goush. “We want laws passed that will prevent your dumbest family member from trying to claim things like, ‘All Mexicans are here illegally to collect welfare, assault women, and do drugs.’ Facebook allows too many freedoms to these morons. We need intervention beyond the basic laugh react emoji.”

Unfortunately, given the media coverage of the rant, many pundits fear more so-called “copycat” posts will soon lead to even more unfriendings.

Meet the Man Who Backpacked Across the Entirety of Nick Cave’s Forehead

Posted on October 4, 2019 by Jonah Nink

Kempton Jones, a backpacking enthusiast from Iowa, has done what many once considered impossible. After a year-long journey across nearly 4,000 miles of harsh, inhospitable terrain, Jones has become the first person in history to successfully backpack across the forehead of Australian singer-songwriter Nick Cave. We had a chance to talk with Jones about this incredible achievement.

Hard Times: What inspired you to attempt this excursion in the first place?

Jones: I just finished yet another trip across Michael Stipe’s forehead and was looking for a new challenge. A friend of mine showed me the music video for “Red Right Hand” and I immediately fell in love with the sprawling, wide open terrain of Mr. Cave’s forehead.

Hard Times: How did you prepare for the trip?

Jones: I’ve been into extreme-celebrity-forehead-backpacking ever since I was young and saw James Van Der Beek’s sprawling fivehead, but attempting a feat like Nick Cave would still require a lot of training. I practiced by making a slightly shorter trip of only 2,000 miles across Thom Yorke’s giant front-melon.

Hard Times: What was the first major hurdle while you were attempting to cross Nick Cave’s forehead?

Jones: Mr. Cave was on tour at the time, so there was a lot of turbulence to get used to. There’s also little to no shade, which means that the surface can get hotter than 90 degrees Fahrenheit.

Hard Times: Tell us about the route you took across the forehead.

Jones: The center of the forehead is dry and inhospitable, so I had to stay fairly close to the hairline. While it made the trip longer, I was safe from the harshest parts of the forehead and could purchase supplies from the local villages.

Hard Times: Wait, there are people living on Nick Cave’s face?

Jones: Well, yeah. All celebrities have them. They are a kind and peaceful folk.

Hard Times: So now that you’ve done the impossible, but what’s next?

Jones: I don’t want to make any promises, but I’ve recently set my sights on crossing the Bono.

Report Finds Weed Use Still Leading Cause of Drum Circles

Posted on October 4, 2019 by Sari Beliak

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Researchers from the University of California-Los Angeles reported Wednesday that cannabis is still the leading cause of drum circles, confirming that there are no other possible explanations for the origins of the social gatherings.

“For the last several decades, some of the greatest minds in science have attempted to understand how these improvisational jams take form. But after thousands of hours of observation, we’ve identified a direct link between happily playing drums amongst a crowd of strangers in a public place and being absolutely blazed out of your mind,” said lead researcher Dr. Taylor Reynolds. “Of the 4,000 participants in the study observed playing various handheld instruments while dancing around, every single person was undoubtedly stoned off their ass… and I suspect the entire control group may have been too.”

Researchers believe this study will provide a deeper understanding of how cannabis may act as a gateway to instruments like bongos and cowbells.

“We found many folks start by experimenting with an egg shaker, or even a tambourine. However, with enough weed in their system, it’s not uncommon to see an otherwise self-aware adult noodling around to the off-beat rhythms of a haphazardly played djembe in the middle of a full-blown drum circle,” explained research assistant Dr. Jessica Alvarez. “Before you know it, they could be dancing to a didgeridoo played by a poncho-wearing member of the community.”

Indeed, several drum circle regulars involved in the study noted they never imagined things could ever get as dire as being willing participants in a drum circle.

“The thought of dancing around to some guy sloppily playing a doumbek seemed like something that only happened to other people. But then someone passed me a joint in my buddy’s backyard, and I suddenly understood what would compel someone to kick off their shoes and flail around in public like that,” said community member Adam Morter. “Those rhythms… they just take over you, man.”

Dr. Reynolds, the lead researcher, reiterated that the impromptu gatherings were not necessarily dangerous — but participants should exercise caution at all times when in the presence of marijuana, as a drum circle could erupt at any moment.

“If you find yourself at a drum circle with no recollection of smoking pot, seek medical attention immediately, as you may have been dosed by an edible,” he warned. “No sober individual just picks up a handheld drum.”

Opinion: This Isn’t Actually a Spoiler

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Andy Holt

I know you haven’t seen The Siege of Trenton yet. You had to work the night of the premiere, I get it, don’t worry I won’t spoil anything. This isn’t spoiling anything.

So anyways, the main character is this girl, and she’s very sad because her mom gets murdered (don’t worry that happens in like, the first 5 minutes, maybe 10, so it’s not a spoiler, really) and so she goes to hunt down the pirates who killed her mom.

Oh, right, the pirates.

So yeah, at the beginning of the movie you think it’s in the present day, but then out of nowhere there are these pirates, and you realize it’s actually an alternate reality where pirates took over the world and now they’re in charge. They reveal it in this kickass way, like everything is normal and then BOOM, a cannonball goes through the house and the mom dies, but it’s a super high-tech cannonball, because they’re future pirates. They didn’t show the pirates in the trailer and technically it’s supposed to be a “surprise” or whatever, but there were leaks on 4chan so it was kind of an open secret. You didn’t see that? Well it was out there. Not spoiling anything. Honestly, it’s barely important.

Anyways, she goes looking for these pirates to avenge her mom, and she ends up joining them. You probably could have seen that coming, since it’s sort of the same plot as Gangs of New York where Leo DiCaprio’s character becomes the protege of the guy who killed his father at the beginning. Oh, you haven’t seen that movie, either? Well it’s not really important, DiCaprio does kill him in the end, with his father’s knife, so he doesn’t really “join” anyway. It’s just a trick.

Actually, though, this movie is different from Gang of New York because (and I’m not spoiling anything here, they kind of telegraph it at the beginning if you’re paying attention) the girl doesn’t kill the pirates. She finds out it was a conspiracy to frame the pirates, but really her long-lost sister actually killed her mother for abandoning her when she was a kid.

That’s why I was telling you about this — because you’re adopted, right? So I thought you’d think it was cool, you know, the parallels.

But I’ll stop there. Don’t want to spoil anything. You’d love it!

Gamer at Gender Reveal Party Announces Boycott of Family’s New Female Character

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

SAN ANTONIO — Mitch Taft, a gamer in attendance at the gender reveal party of his sister’s third child, has announced plans to boycott the family’s upcoming female character, several frustrated family members have confirmed.

“Ugh, now [Todd and Cindy] are forcing diversity on us,” he said, shortly after a balloon was punctured with a blow dart, revealing pink smoke. “It just feels so forced. Cindy is a girl, why isn’t that enough? Oh let me guess, the next baby after this is going to be black and gay or come out in a wheelchair or something? I really wish we could get together as a family and not have politics or social justice bullshit come up. I will be henceforth boycotting any family function involving this new female character!”

Despite Mitch’s vocal protests and please with others to join his cause, the announcement of Todd and Cindy Doyle’s third child was met with much joy from the rest of the family.

“We’ve always supported everything Todd and Cindy have put out,” said Elenor Taft, mother of Cindy and Mitch. “Mitch is obviously a little upset just because he loves playing with his nephews so much, I think he was really hoping for a third one. I tried telling him that Aiden and Austin are still going to be around but he said they’re the old ones now and that they were ‘obsolete.’ Poor guy’s really upset about this. I gave him some juice and sent him inside with his Switch Lite, I’m hoping he calms down and stops asking everyone to debate him.”

Despite the controversy surrounding the announcement, Cindy Doyle reported being happy that her brother was able to attend the event.

“Yeah, he caused a scene and all that, but honestly, I’m just thrilled that he actually showed up,” she said. “The first one of these we did he missed because he had to watch some guys play a game online, and then he stayed home and called the SWAT team on us last time. I forget what he was even mad about at the time, but he was pretty worked up about something silly. Always great to have my irrationally angry brother around at family functions!”

As of press time, Mitch’s online petition to change the sex of his sister’s baby had no signatures. The child is rumored for an early 2020 release.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Blues Guitar Tab Includes Recommended Mouth Gestures With Notes

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Bobby Korec

LANSING, Mich. — Ultimate-guitar.com announced on Friday a new feature called “oral tabs,” which allows users to submit recommended mouth movements to accompany each note on all blues song tablature entries, elated sources revealed.

“Now I can play B.B. King songs the right way,” amateur blues guitarist Harold Vellonfield said. “I can already play every one of his songs perfectly on guitar, but I never know what to do with my mouth during them — one time, my blues cover band was laughed off the stage because I kept my mouth closed and face motionless during all solos. This new feature is totally going to upgrade my guitar chops and finally get me laid after sets.”

Submissions for oral tabs have already started piling in from experienced blues guitarists.

“I’ve submitted like, 100 oral tabs to the site already — including electric and acoustic versions,” blues mouth expert and YouTube tutorial personality Cory Argentio said. “Sure, I may have never played guitar a day in my life, but I’m a bit of a prodigy when it comes to mouth contortions for when you’re deep inside a lick. As a teen, I used to lock myself in my bedroom for hours and practice the ‘mouth blues’ in the mirror until my face was practically bleeding. The more visible pain you look like you’re in while playing, the better a blues guitar player you’ll be. It just takes practice.”

Indeed, veteran blues guitarists support Ultimate Guitar’s new feature, suggesting it would have made learning the craft much easier when they were younger.

“These are basically cheat codes for up-and-coming players,” legendary blues guitarist Guy “Wild Child” Burnside said. “One thing they don’t tell you about blues guitar is that what your face is doing while ripping solos is far more important than the actual music itself. Anyone can play Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar — but can you play it on the mouth? That’s the real talent.”

At press time, Ultimate Guitar was in talks to add another new feature to the site, which would allow users to submit recommended facial scowls on all metal tabs.

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