LANSING, Mich. — Ultimate-guitar.com announced on Friday a new feature called “oral tabs,” which allows users to submit recommended mouth movements to accompany each note on all blues song tablature entries, elated sources revealed.
“Now I can play B.B. King songs the right way,” amateur blues guitarist Harold Vellonfield said. “I can already play every one of his songs perfectly on guitar, but I never know what to do with my mouth during them — one time, my blues cover band was laughed off the stage because I kept my mouth closed and face motionless during all solos. This new feature is totally going to upgrade my guitar chops and finally get me laid after sets.”
Submissions for oral tabs have already started piling in from experienced blues guitarists.
“I’ve submitted like, 100 oral tabs to the site already — including electric and acoustic versions,” blues mouth expert and YouTube tutorial personality Cory Argentio said. “Sure, I may have never played guitar a day in my life, but I’m a bit of a prodigy when it comes to mouth contortions for when you’re deep inside a lick. As a teen, I used to lock myself in my bedroom for hours and practice the ‘mouth blues’ in the mirror until my face was practically bleeding. The more visible pain you look like you’re in while playing, the better a blues guitar player you’ll be. It just takes practice.”
Indeed, veteran blues guitarists support Ultimate Guitar’s new feature, suggesting it would have made learning the craft much easier when they were younger.
“These are basically cheat codes for up-and-coming players,” legendary blues guitarist Guy “Wild Child” Burnside said. “One thing they don’t tell you about blues guitar is that what your face is doing while ripping solos is far more important than the actual music itself. Anyone can play Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar — but can you play it on the mouth? That’s the real talent.”
At press time, Ultimate Guitar was in talks to add another new feature to the site, which would allow users to submit recommended facial scowls on all metal tabs.