Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Woman Wearing NASA T-Shirt Has Never Even Been to Space

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Matt McClurg

HOUSTON — Local woman Claudia Sims was criticized yesterday for wearing a NASA T-shirt, despite the fact that she has never traveled outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, upset sources confirmed.

“As soon as I saw her walk into the coffee shop, I looked at her shirt and thought, ‘This fucking poser doesn’t know the first thing about zero gravity,’” said local astronaut Mark Van Allen, who has undergone four separate space missions. “It took a miraculous amount of self control for me not to go up to her and ask her to name three different NASA programs. Yeah, I bet she only knows Apollo — my fucking dog knows Apollo. Don’t wear NASA if you’ve never been to space. It’s that simple.”

For her part, Sims was unaware that wearing the lightweight cotton NASA shirt she purchased on vacation would cause so many people to be upset.

“I’ve always liked space, and I thought the shirt was cute. It was never meant to make someone think I was an active astronaut,” said Sims. “It’d be real nice if I could wear a shirt with a logo and not have it been an invitation for people to question my entire existence.”

However, NASA gift shop employee Eddie Tanner believes there should be tighter restrictions on who can buy NASA-branded merchandise.

“Listen, this job is very tough, because I see some people coming in here who are not exactly ‘space ready’ buying shirts, mugs, model rockets, and so much more shit. And I know they go home and tell their dumb friends they got this stuff because they’re in an elite space program… it makes me sick,” said Tanner. “Like, what about all the real-deal astronauts out there busting their asses astronauting everyday, just to have some NASA scenester dweeb ripping off their look? Fuck that.”

“I’ve tried suggesting to my bosses that we only sell to actual astronauts, and that our currency should be space dust. But they don’t listen,” he added. “And they actually told me if I bring it up again, they will fire me.”

As of press time, Sims was attempting to avoid any further harassment by covering her NASA shirt with a Thrasher hoodie, even though she doesn’t skate.

Skulls: Who Wore Them Better?

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Dan Rice

Some fashion trends are just timeless. Nothing says ‘fun’ like a pair of Chuck Taylors, nothing screams ‘class’ better than a high-end watch and nothing says “I will fulfill my agenda through means of terror” better than wearing a skull.

Like bell bottoms and elbow blazers, the skull’s popularity goes up and down over time but never completely goes away. This look was brought to its undeniable height by the Nazis during World War 2, but these days it’s finding a resurgence among patriots of the good ole U.S of A. Whether you’re a former marine, an off duty cop or just a douche-bag whose friends with a bunch of cops, you wouldn’t be caught dead without a skull on your person or vehicle.

All across America, angry white men are discovering the same thing Hitler discovered with the uniforms of the SS. The right look sends the Right message. Wearing a skull shirt accompanied by a threatening slogan and a pair of Oakley wrap around shades can tell the world everything it needs to know about you in just one glance.

This resurgence of Nazi ideals and styles begs the question, who wore it better? the Third Reich, or you’re uncle whom you avoid. Let’s break it down!

Placement:
The Nazis were subtle with their skulls. They pretty much only put them on their hats and the pendants were small. At a distance you could hardly tell they were evil. Sure some people say less is more, but you know what else is more? More. For placement, we’ve got to give it up to modern angry white dudes. They really know how to flaunt the look! These guys are putting skulls on hats, t-shirts, even police cars in some states!

Presentation:
Understatement does have its charms. The Nazis would just let the skull speak for itself. In a way it’s message was more frightening because it was up to you to interpret. Sure tagging the skull logo with slogans like “If you stomp my flag I’ll stomp your ass” makes your message more clear, but is that always a good thing? For presentation, we have to give it up to the Nazis.

Organization:
It should be no surprise who takes the big win in the organization category. When you saw someone wearing a Nazi skull you knew EXACTLY who they were and what they’re about. But the modern skull? Sure, everyone who wears it is an insufferable prick, but in what way? In a “build the wall” way? In an “arm the teachers” way? Are the alt-right? Libertarian? Right-leaning Centrist? It’s just a mess

The Verdict:
A new spin is always refreshing but you just can’t beat a classic. The punisher style skull may be sleeker and “now” but it just can’t hold a candle to the original. Sorry dad’s friends, we gotta give “best in skull” to the Nazis.

Tinder Date Abruptly Ends After Woman Spots Crosley Turntable in Man’s Apartment

Posted on October 3, 2019 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

BROOKLYN, N.Y.— Local audiophile Shelby Hastings reportedly ended a promising Tinder date prematurely last night after accepting an invite up to Daniel Estrada’s apartment and spotting a Crosley turntable on his shelf.

“Everything went great at dinner,” said Hastings, a local waitress with an extensive record collection. “He’d gone the whole night without even mentioning IPAs or Jordan Peterson, so things were already better than my usual dates. But when we got up to his apartment, everything changed. I’m sorry… it’s still hard to talk about.”

During an informal tour of the apartment, Hastings’ eyes locked on a Crosley four-in-one turntable with built-in speakers, which sent her into panic almost immediately.

“I was just like, ‘Oh, God… he doesn’t actually listen to music on this thing, does he?” said Hastings, still visibly shaken hours after the incident. “I mean, why would you pay extra for vinyl if you’re just gonna listen to it through two cans on a string? A setup like that just tells me he’s okay with doing four things poorly instead of doing one thing right. I don’t even want to imagine what he’s like in bed.”

After the brief encounter with Estrada’s horrific vinyl setup, Hastings quickly made up an excuse to leave and abruptly exited the apartment — leaving Estrada to wonder just what he’d done wrong.

“I thought I was ready to seal the deal… and then she turned white as a ghost and told me both of her parents just exploded and her dog had diarrhea,” said Estrada, dropping the needle on a “Nice Price” copy of Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde.” “I’m pretty sure only one of those things could possibly be true. But she still sprinted out the door without saying goodbye. Somehow I always end up dating the crazy girls.”

While Estrada remains unsure why his date with Hastings ended so suddenly, he does have another date with a local bookstore employee lined up for tonight. Sadly, his bookshelf full of Chuck Palahniuk novels could spell another disaster for his chances of getting laid.

Everyone in Joker Audience Waiting for Right Moment to Do Mass Shooting

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Brendan Krick

BURBANK, Calif. — Every single member of the audience at the premiere screening of Joker at the AMC 16 last night was reportedly “poised and ready” to commit a mass shooting at any second, deeply celibate sources have confirmed.

Local convenience store clerk Trevor Blakely, 32, was one of the several hundred men whose plan involved coming to murder everybody else in the theater until being dramatically gunned down by police.

“I came here to do a shooting myself,” he stated before hitting a vape, swigging Mountain Dew, and exhaling the vapor. “I came all strapped up. I had my AR-15, my Mossberg Shockwave, I even had two Berettas I was gonna shoot at the same time like The Matrix, then I noticed another guy getting out of his car with an AR-15! I was like, ‘Hey man! Back off. This one’s taken!’”

Stefano Costa, 22, a comic book store employee, was also dismayed to find out he had been beaten to the punch.

“Man, I been planning this shit for months. I always looked up to the Joker on account of he’s real twisted and shit, and now I can’t even shoot up the movie ‘cause of all these fools!” he complained, gesturing to the theater full of young men in lumpy trench coats. “This shit’s gay.”

The film made headlines earlier this week when President Trump declared a national state of emergency in anticipation of violence, with many cities declaring martial law.

“Folks, we love the clown, don’t we? We’ve all been to the clown, we love the funny clown! This Joker has no interest in all that, no interest in that. He comes out there, he’s not smiling, bing bing bing bong bong, what do you know, you’re dead,” Trump said, pointing a finger gun. “Doesn’t sound very funny to me, that I can tell you.”

The tension at the screening continued to build as various shooters argued over who would be the one to commit the shooting, but the conflict eventually diffused as common ground was discovered.

“I was pissed at these guys for ruining my chance at a hero’s death, but as we started arguing I realized we actually have a lot in common,” stated Blakely. “We all love InfoWars, shooting guns, and posting on Reddit. We might actually hang out after this. Maybe I won’t kill myself after all! Or them.”

At press time, everyone had put aside their differences, returned their guns to their cars, and were all thoroughly enjoying the film.

Self-Described ‘Gryffindor’ Lacks Courage to Hold Any Other Beliefs

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Kiel Lewis

ATLANTA — Local Harry Potter fan and self-described “Gryffindor,” Daniel Wells, decidedly fails to live up to the courage associated with the identity he has crafted from the franchise, unsurprised sources confirm.

“I have been a Gryffindor ever since the series was released,” said Wells, wearing nothing but a bathrobe and makeshift wizard hat. “I read the books, go on Pottermore, read J.K. Rowling’s tweets, play Quidditch, go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter… I consistently give into the Harry Potter franchise and its ever-increasing demands for money, even if I planned on using that money for buying food or clothing. But I’m totally OK with that, so please don’t tell J.K.! She won’t answer my emails.”

An examination of Wells’ personal history confirms that he has not gone more than 5 minutes without consuming, discussing, or writing fan-fiction related to the franchise since Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was first published in the United States in 1998.

“Yeah, Daniel has been here almost every day since we opened in 2014,” said Universal Studios Orlando cotton candy vendor, Jared White. “We’ve talked a few times, so I once asked him what he does outside of this Harry Potter stuff, but he only got a few words in before putting an absolutely visible cloak over his head and slowly backing away.”

Per the Greater Atlanta Area Quidditch League, Wells only skips his trips to Orlando when playing for the Gryffindor team as the third-string “seeker.”

“Daniel is as good at the fictional sport of Quidditch as anyone in the league,” said the Greater Atlanta Area Quidditch League Commissioner, Kristen Parker. “He has made great strides in getting on the field, in spite of his fear of flying. He knows that the brooms don’t fly, but he insists on staying on the bench most of the time ‘just in case.’”

At press time, Wells was tearfully filing attempted murder charges against a child who had pointed a stick at him and yelled “avada kedavra.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Family Band Now Family Solo Project After Tragic Accident

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

BRANSON, Mo. — Teddy Hitherton, the lead guitarist and backup vocalist of The Hitherton Family Jamboree Gang, announced yesterday that he would continue as a solo act following the tragic death of his entire family in a riverboat fire.

“Nobody ever said show business was easy. If this is part of God’s plan for the Hitherton Family Jamboree Gang, then so be it,” said Hitherton, clutching a photo of his recently deceased family while holding back tears. “Obviously, things are different now — my beautiful wife Anna will no longer be banging that tambourine, little Jimmy won’t be behind the drums anymore with his crazy red hair, and my darling daughters will no longer be on vocals. They’re singing for the angels now.”

Compounding his grief, the untimely death of 80 percent of the band came just before a packed performance schedule. Many fans noted the live show is far more somber.

“They’ve played a back-to-school show in Biloxi for the past three years, and me and my family always have so much fun singing along… but this year was a huge bummer,” said Janice Everton, mother of three. “Instead of playing their normal covers of Monkees songs, [Teddy] just slugged a bottle of scotch while talking about how he still hears the screams of his daughters every time he closes his eyes at night. God, just play something from The Osmonds catalog and move on already.”

Jonas Finch, the patriarch and head songwriter of “rival” family band Nest of Finches, offered Mr. Hitherton his condolences.

“What a terrible tragedy that has befallen them. They were such a beautiful family — it’s a shame to see them cut short right before the fall harvest festival season,” said Finch. “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lose a child, not to mention three, all at once. I just want it to be known that we’re here for Teddy if he needs a shoulder to cry on, and we are also here for any promoters who actually want an intact family to perform and not some drunk widower who can’t stop crying.”

Mr. Hitherton allegedly hopes to release a new album by Christmas tentatively titled, “All I Want for Christmas Is the Sweet Release of Death.”

Gamer at New Job Opens Every Door in Office Building

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Grant Mulitz

CHICAGO — Thoroughly searching his new workplace for useful objects, treasures, or keys lying around, local gamer Eli Levine attempted to open every door in the office building immediately after beginning his job as a sales executive this morning.

“My first few months at this company aren’t going to be easy, so I’ll need to stock up on items before I get to the real work,” said Levine, dipping into a coworker’s empty office and putting a stapler, pens, and a computer monitor in his messenger bag. “One of my managers might be hiding in one of the board rooms, and they’ll have a new task to complete, or may give me a secret promotion. But at the very least, I can clear out any enemies or rival employees waiting to ambush me later on.”

In addition to meeting rooms and closets, Levine has also attempted to open drawers, cupboards, filing cabinets, elevators, safes, break room refrigerators, windows and electrical hatches. Though his success is mixed, his inventory has grown to include such items as a pair of medical forceps from the third-floor podiatrist’s office, a fire extinguisher, a men’s restroom key, and someone’s tuna salad sandwich.

“It’s frustrating when I find a locked door, because I can never tell if I’m supposed to find a key somewhere that opens this, or if it’s part of the wall’s texture and just for show. Punching the door doesn’t help, usually.”

After the long morning building out his exhaustive map of the business center, Levine hadn’t found anything helpful for setting up his new email and familiarizing himself with client accounts, but did manage to procure a number of quest items needed for his LARP.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Scientists Predict Climate Change to Turn Quarter-life Crisis Into Midlife Crisis

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — A harrowing new study by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency found that the encroaching threat of climate change will turn what would be quarter-life crises into midlife crises worldwide as early as 2025.

“Many young 20-somethings around the world are experiencing the standard, existential dread that comes along with getting older — worrying about student loan debts, rising rent prices, and whether or not they should one day have children,” explained lead researcher Marie Sherman. “But climate change is going to ruin all that by ending massive parts of civilization in the next 20-30 years. If these millennials are going to die at 40, that means they’re actually experiencing their midlife crisis right now. And, frankly, they’re way behind.”

“If all the 25-year-olds of the world want to get on track,” she added, “they need to stop freaking out about their career paths, buy a boat, and look into getting divorced.”

The study has already sent shockwaves through younger communities, forcing many to reevaluate their lifestyles.

“Climate change is fucking up everything about my life,” said 28-year-old Justin Bennett of Chicago. “I’m supposed to be having panic attacks about whether or not I want to go to grad school, but now that I know I’m halfway through my life, I freaked out and bought a Corvette. I don’t have that kind of fucking money and I live in a city!”

Despite reactions from those under 35, many from older generations have had a more mild reaction to the study.

“These whiny kids need to grow the hell up,” said 70-year-old Emmanuel Bright. “This generation is always complaining! Boo hoo, you only have 20 years left to live. My doctor told me I only have 18 years or so left because of my heart condition, and you don’t see me complaining! What a bunch of cowards.”

“When I was their age, I wasn’t going around bitching and moaning — I was doing a ridiculous amount of cocaine,” Bright continued. “That’s how I got the heart condition, after all.”

At press time, a counter-study by scientists at ExxonMobil concluded that the average human will actually live until 150, so everyone needs to “just chill the ‘f’ out and keep drilling.”

Posting About Being a Single Dad Is a Full Time-Job

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Eric Navarro

Maintaining a full adult schedule is difficult enough. Working a job AND cleaning the house? PASS. But we all do what we need to do to get by. However, when you add being a single father to that mix it’s like adding another full-time job. Seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to post on Facebook all day about how hard it is to be a single dad?!

Granted, no one said being a single dad was easy. I mean, it actually is pretty easy when your kid’s mom has a great job and full custody. But posting about it is no joke. Especially the two days a week when I have my daughter- she’s so distracting!

Imagine how much patience it takes to post about being a single dad when you have a toddler tugging at your phone, or putting her face in front of your phone, or saying distracting things like, “Daddy, I’m sick of American cheese slices” or “can we at least be in the same room together” or “the CPS lady is at the door again and she’s not leaving no matter how many times I hit her with my wiffle ball bat like you taught me.” I am a saint.

She’s such a hassle but I love her, ya know. As the age-old saying goes, “Kids: Can’t live with them… because of a court order.” My dad used to say that all the time. God, I miss that guy. He’s not dead or anything, he just doesn’t return my texts. Or my comments on his Myspace posts about being a single dad.

I’m not here telling you how hard my life is because I want your sympathy. That’s what Facebook is for. I’m just trying to make sure everyone takes this into account before having a child of their own. Trust me and learn from my experience. I just don’t want anyone out there to make the same mistake my ex-wife did.

Man Scoffs at Idea Kerrang Might Know 50 Things About Billie Joe Armstrong That He Doesn’t

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Tim Nash

OAKLAND, Calif. — Self-described “Green Day guru” Andrew Sullivan felt heavily disrespected by Kerrang Magazine yesterday after they published an article titled “50 Things You Might Not Know About Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong,” apathetic sources confirmed.

“I resisted at first, because it was obviously clickbait… and honestly, I’m not gonna get tricked into a pissing contest with some guy who probably only started listening to Green Day after ‘Revolution Radio,’” explained Sullivan. “But I’d just gotten off the phone with my buddy talking all things Green Day, and it was a slow day at work, so like, fucking try me Kerrang. You’re a poor man’s NME at best anyway.”

The listicle, which began with fairly run-of-the-mill facts regarding Armstrong’s hometown, height, and zodiac sign, quickly segued into the more obscure. However, Sullivan insisted he was already well aware of Amstrong’s preferred brand of eyeliner, as well as his high school nickname of “Two Dollar Bill.”

“Shortly after we published this article, we got a very angry email from Mr. Sullivan insulting the author’s intelligence, among other things,” admitted Kerrang editor Lisa Rogers. “He then listed at least 150 additional facts about Billie Joe that were strangely intimate… frankly, we were shocked at the depth of his knowledge. He knew things like Billie Joe’s blood type, wedding vows, and the location of the ‘Cigarettes and Valentines’ master tapes. We’re debating whether to contact the authorities.”

Brian Graves, Armstrong’s legal representation, commented on past dealings with Sullivan’s fanaticism — including an incident in St. Louis on the “21st Century Breakdown” tour where a young fan brought on stage to play guitar for a cover of Operation Ivy’s “Knowledge” with the band was violently ripped off the stage by Sullivan in a jealous rage.

“I’m still amazed charges weren’t brought against the band for endangering a minor because of [Sullivan],” stated Graves. “It’s a shame that such a crowd-favorite activity ended so poorly. I’ve urged Mr. Sullivan to seek help multiple times. He’s been banned from attending any Green Day concerts, meet-and-greets, and from calling into any radio stations the guys are appearing on.”

At press time, Sullivan was seen sneaking onto the Armstrong estate “just to say hi, have a quick beer, and play him some new demos.”

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