Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Fuck You: I Am Going to Title the Goose Game

Posted on October 2, 2019 by Kyle Erf

The internet is ablaze with a forest fire of admiration for House House’s Untitled Goose Game, and rightfully so. The game is a positively delightful troublemaking romp through a quaint fictional town and the game deserves its success.

It also deserves a title.

I’m sure millions of you out there think it is “cute” or “charming” or “wacky” to name a game Untitled, but it’s actually dangerously lazy and an incredible act of hubris. This isn’t a high school creative writing class, this is real goddamn life, and so I am going to do what you cowards never had the guts to do: I will title the Goose Game.

Let’s get the easy ones out of the way: The Goose is Loose. Some like it Honk. Duck Duck Goose. Freebird. Take a Gander. Wild Goose Chase. Giving Them The Bird. Gaggle. Big Honkers. Flock Yourself.

Wow. That was easy, everyone. I could do this all freaking day. Took me 30 seconds to spit out that list. Here’s another one: We’re Going Down. Geese have down, get it? Boom. Okay that one kinda sucks, but it’s still more effort than House House put into their title (which I remind you is not a title!!).

I am a titling machine that cannot be stopped. I am like a huge boulder that you pushed off of a hill, and even though you regret pushing off the boulder and are screaming “no boulder, stop!! come back!!” I can’t stop because I’m a fucking boulder. But for titling the Goose Game. Fuck off.

How about some more subtle ones: Goose Simulator. A Goose In A Village. Honk: A Goose Odyssey. Time To Be A Goose. The Rude Bird. Goose: The Game.

Wow I am a big dumb idiot and I can still title the Goose Game. Look at that! How about this rude goose keeps its victims inside the game, instead of racking us with the pain of playing an untitled product?!

You know what, fuck it: we’re just gonna call it “Goose.” That’s it. Was that so hard?

Fuck.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Fan Theory Giving Game Writer Way Too Much Credit

Posted on October 1, 2019 by Jimmy Beliakoff

TORONTO — A popular post in r/games made the rounds to the front page of Reddit earlier today, in which a mega-fan of a popular game series crafted a theory about a backstory so detailed and meticulous that it was clear the post was considering far more than the creator of the series ever imagined.

“I mean, this theory is really well thought-out and I want to believe it’s true,” said one commenter in response to the original post, “but you’re connecting details in the first game in the series with details from later releases as if the writer had any fucking clue they would even make one sequel, let alone seven of them. I love the games too, man, but let’s just be honest here and admit that they’re building the tracks in front of the train, okay?”

The controversial post alleged that the main character’s girlfriend in the first game, who was kidnapped by a bully, served as the inspiration for the boss character in the series’ most recent open-world adventure title, set in an arctic Steampunk dinosaur world.

“Nancy clearly was the inspiration for the Admiral Skylar character,” read the post by Reddit user WilleniumFalc0n. “Whereas Nancy stood by and let her boyfriend punch and jump through eight parts of town to save her back in 1987, Admiral Skyler (who’s first name we never hear mysteriously enough) was kidnapped while on a date with her boyfriend. This time instead of standing by, however, she has enslaved the world’s population of robot dinosaurs to enslave what’s left of humanity. It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.”

The game’s developers have publicly dispelled the notion that they had meant the deeper connections theorized about by the post.

“Oh wow yeah, I forget this series started out that long ago,” said Lead Developer Graham Rutherford. “I don’t think any of us have actually played that first one to tell you the truth. Hell, a lot of us weren’t even born when it came out. If it makes everybody happy though, we can call the character Nancy from now on.”

As of press time, the developer’s change of a main character’s back story had prompted the game to be review bombed on Steam.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Congress Has Rare Moment of Bipartisanship to Make Fun of Intern’s Band

Posted on October 1, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Congressional members from both sides of the aisle put aside partisan differences last week, coming together to ruthlessly mock the band of Rep. Louie Gohmert’s intern Matt Kirby, leaked government records confirmed.

“When Kevin McCarthy told me I had to listen to this turd of an album one of Gohmert’s interns made, I was a bit skeptical,” reported House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “As elected officials, I think the American people are tired of the negativity emanating from Washington in recent years. But when I finally sat down to listen to this sonic abortion, I couldn’t believe someone actually thought this was suitable to record. So I did the responsible thing: I called an emergency session so we could all have a good laugh.”

Since the discovery of the intern’s Soundcloud page, Congressional members have regularly gathered to listen to Kirby’s music, watch his live performances, and offer snarky commentary.

“I think, in this polarized political climate, it’s encouraging for Americans to see their elected officials put aside politics and just shit on one of the worst albums ever made,” noted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “When Elizabeth Warren jumped on a table to imitate Kirby’s awkward on-stage presence, I nearly teared up seeing Democrats and Republicans putting their arms around each other and laughing uproariously.”

While the majority consensus in Washington towards Kirby’s band has been derision and contempt, not all have come to that conclusion.

“This is just more typical mockery of American values by the cosmopolitan elites here in Washington,” noted President Trump’s senior adviser Stephen Miller. “Congress needs to stop and really listen to the music the American people connect with, and while Mr. Kirby’s band is not exactly popular, this is the kind of music real Americans appreciate and treasure. This is why Donald Trump is President — he’s willing to take on the people who say that patriotic Americans like Matt Kirby have no business making music”

At press time, members of Congress were making plans to attend a poetry open mic hosted by one of Rep. Vern Buchanan’s interns in the hopes of “keeping the good times rolling.”

“She’s Going to Break Some Hearts When She Gets Older,” Says Local Creep About Child

Posted on October 1, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

DUBLIN, Ohio — Local creep Alex Gallarzo commented openly yesterday afternoon on the future sexuality of a six-year-old girl while in line at the Dublin area Kroger, according to shocked onlookers.

“I was in the checkout line, when out of nowhere, this total stranger told me my daughter is ‘beautiful’ and will ‘definitely break hearts when she’s older,’” the mother of the anonymous child said. “He talked about how pretty her blue eyes were, then looked me up and down and said, ‘Yep, the boys are going to love her.’ Why did he feel the need to say this?”

Indeed, other shoppers expressed their dismay at Gallarzo’s comment. A few mothers in line blocked their own children from the man’s view while others just glared at him, but Gallarzo defended the “compliment” and the low-whistle he emitted upon seeing the child.

“It was just small talk. I’m not attracted to children,” Gallarzo said. “All I’m saying is that I can see that, judging by a lot of her features, one day, many years from now, she’s going to be really sexy. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Stop writing this down.”

Gallarzo has garnered a reputation for unsolicited, uncomfortable comments to random citizens. He’s been known to demand people parked in handicapped spaces tell him what’s wrong with them, ask prying questions of the town’s few lesbian couples, and hang out at the local dog park — despite not owning a dog.

“Sometime last year, I was walking my daughter to her first day of kindergarten… and he came out of nowhere and said, ‘Hoooo, Mama! I need to sign up for email alerts to know when she turns 18,’ all while lowering his sunglasses,” said local mother Abbey Madden. “Keep in mind, this was early in the morning and the sun was barely up. Thankfully, I carry a can of pepper spray with me, and when I whipped that out he ran off. If my husband ever sees him in public we’re going to need a good lawyer.”

Ultimately, Gallarzo was forced to leave the Kroger after trying to talk about ‘Fortnite’ with a grade school soccer team.

I Cut Toxic People Out of My Life by Ignoring My Sister Who has Blood Poisoning

Posted on October 1, 2019 by Taylor Roebuck

These days it’s no secret that self-care is of the utmost importance. Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about removing toxic people from your life, no matter how close to you they may be. A toxic person can be mentally and physically draining and impact you in ways that you may not even realize.

That’s why when my sister Carrie’s lab results came back positive for blood poisoning, I finally stopped answering her calls. Suck it, Carrie. You’re gonna have to ask someone else to watch your kid while you get more blood work done.

It’s not just the blood toxicity levels that made me come to this decision. It’s also a result of Carrie’s constant gaslighting. She’d be constantly calling and texting me, asking when I’m going to pay her back the money I owe her because she needs it for her copayments. Like, Jesus, Carrie. Who even knows if I borrowed that money? It was so long ago, grow up.

Holding people in your life accountable is paramount. I was Britney Spears’ biggest fan when I was younger. She was my first concert, I cannot overstate how hard I stanned. I stanned before stanning was called stanning. But when she released that song, “Toxic” I knew I had to cut her out of my life. Make no exceptions, and be sure to know your worth.

So whether it’s your boyfriend, your dumb, discolored sister or your former pop idol, you must make yourself your own number one priority. Cut toxic people out of your life, no matter who it may be. In fact, word is my sister’s kid is starting to look a little green around the gills, so you know I’ll be poised and ready to delete that little dummy’s contact if necessary.

Watchdog Group Slams GTA for Glorified Portrayal of Radio Stations

Posted on October 1, 2019 by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — Longtime music industry activist group Mothers Against Radio Stations (MARS) kicked off a campaign against the Grand Theft Auto series yesterday, citing concerns the game may encourage radio station listening among impressionable children.

“We at MARS are very concerned that games like GTA 5 might give our children the idea that radio stations are run by humans instead of simple computer algorithms,” began MARS president Melissa Ng.

The organization’s newly-announced “Mute GTA” campaign immediately garnered support from thousands of parents around the country who fear the perennially popular Grand Theft Auto series might be misdirecting their children.

“The radio stations of San Andreas or Vice City are the work of passionate sound designers and music directors, not iHeartMedia, inc.” added Ng. “No modern radio station would ever have such a clear, cultivated quality. On most modern rock stations today, you are lucky if they have only one Papa Roach song in rotation. The folks at Rockstar are selling our kids a lie.”

“I’m glad the issue is finally coming up,” said August Masters, a mother of two from Fairbanks Alaska. “Last year I watched my son hiring a prostitute on his video game and I couldn’t believe it. I had to sit him down and tell him that if you’re gonna pay someone to have sex with you in your car while the radio is on, realistically there is a 90% chance something absolutely embarassing is going to start playing.”

Rockstar Games, the makers of GTA, released a short press release in response to the effort. “We hear and empathize with these parents’ concerns” it began. “But it is important to remember that games are not real life. We aren’t going to compromise the quality of our soundtracks to make them more realistic by adding O’reilly Auto Parts jingles every 2 minutes. Video games are meant to be an escape.”

“We wanted to imagine a simpler world where no one has Spotify on their bluetooth-enabled cell phone.”

But according to MARS, this is just the beginning. Said Ng, “If Rockstar doesn’t decrease the quality of their music. I’m worried my daughter is going to go to school and one of her classmates, after playing Grand Theft Auto, will…turn on the radio. If she hears one second of that Bob and Tom morning zoo crap I swear to God.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Hardcore Frontman With Telemarketing Day Job Accidentally Opens Show With “How the Fuck Is Everyone Feeling About Their Long Distance Service?”

Posted on October 1, 2019 by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

MESA, Ariz. — Charmbleeder frontman Mickey Horn made the mistake of opening his band’s show last night with a question about the crowd’s long distance service, which many attribute to Horn’s day job as a telemarketer.

“You know, I got up there, I got excited on the mic… and I just belted it out,” said Horn, who admitted the moment got the best of him. “I usually ask how people are feeling as a way to get a rise from the crowd before our first song, and I goofed. I realized I fucked up when nobody really clapped or yelled ‘woo’ or anything — two people sheepishly raised their hands, and I saw one person mouth, ‘O.K., I guess.’”

However, guitarist Shelly Wagner claimed these mishaps are even more common than Horn let on.

“Once, we were playing a show at the Naylair in El Paso, and after our last song Mickey grabbed the mic and asked if there was anything else we could do to assist the crowd… and then said, ‘Have a good day, and thank you for being a loyal customer,’ in this weird voice I’d never heard him use before,” said Wagner. “And sometimes while we tune guitars, I swear I can hear him humming elevator music. We’re trying to cultivate a stage presence, and when he sounds like a Best Buy employee trying to sell someone the extended warranty it can really shatter the illusion. The guy’s really letting work get to his head.”

For their part, many audience members were forgiving of Horn’s gaffe. Some even found it helpful.

“I’ve been having trouble with Verizon lately, so I was really hoping he could elaborate on what his company had to offer,” said showgoer Maria Woozen. “My introductory rate ran out and I’ve been having really spotty service in my bedroom. I went to the merch table after the show, and Mickey hooked me up with a great package. He even threw in six months of Starz.”

When reached for further comment, Horn placed us on hold and assured us that our business was important to him, and he’d be able to assist us momentarily.

Band’s High-Powered Lawyer Advises Frontman to Hold Out for More Vocals in Monitor

Posted on September 30, 2019 by Edgar Towner

DENVER — Denver hardcore band Sheeptheif caused a massive delay ahead of their performance today at the Summit Music Hall after the band’s lawyer advised their frontman not to begin the show until his vocals were boosted in the monitors, frustrated showgoers reported.

“This is yet another case of a young, impressionable artist being bullied and short-shrifted by a fat cat in the sound engineering industry,” said Sheeptheif lawyer Rick Peña. “What this esteemable ‘Sound Guy’ fails to understand is that my client is bringing more to the table than anyone else in this arrangement, so he is entitled to a controlling interest in any and all mixing-related disputes. Any assertion to the contrary is flagrantly wack at best and, at worst, tantamount to poserhood.”

“That my client’s request will result in ear-splitting feedback is immaterial,” Peña continued. “The fact remains that he is the talent, and we all work at his pleasure, no matter how ill-considered it might be.”

Peña stood firm in his opposition to Summit sound engineer Kevin Dang, who expressed annoyance at yet another show being held up by the threat of litigation.

“Fuckin’ band lawyers, man,” Dang sighed. “Singers are hard enough to deal with on their own — it’s even worse when they bring in their legal teams. I understand they’re wary of being taken advantage of by your average draconian, power-mad sound tech. but I’ve gotta set these levels soon; the show is already an hour behind schedule, and the stenographer these guys brought with them is making people uncomfortable.”

The incident is merely the latest in a series of standoffs Sheeptheif has engaged in since hiring Peña last year.

“Rick’s always telling us to make ‘power moves’ in these situations,” said vocalist Brandon McNabney. “I’ve argued with the sound guy at every show I’ve ever played, but I always used to roll over and settle for a mix where I could still hear the bass. But thanks to Rick, my days of making things easier for others are over. Last week, he got us an extra hour at our rehearsal studio by convincing the manager he had to fill out a memorandum of understanding before he could kick us out. Hell of a lawyer, this guy.”

At press time, negotiations were heating up as Peña demanded a recess to allow his paralegals to check out the merch booth.

Pitchfork Meteorologist Ranks Hurricane Lorenzo a Category 3.7

Posted on September 30, 2019 by Dillon Magrann-Wells

KEY WEST, Fla. — Pitchfork meteorologist Janine Pera officially rated tropical storm Lorenzo a 3.7 today just before the storm is scheduled to make landfall, according to previously worried and now simply disappointed sources.

“We try to examine each storm by how it fits into our cultural zeitgeist,” stated Pera. “But, after some consideration and doppler rewatching, while Hurricane Lorenzo does bring some interesting ideas to the table, it’s ultimately just a shallow retread of some of the groundbreaking Florida storm fronts of the early 2010s.”

Pera’s two-hour emergency weather broadcast offered a painstakingly detailed review.

“Hurricane Lorenzo definitely starts out strong and confident on the Gulf Stream, and it uses radical ideas to manipulate air pressure as it makes its way across the Caribbean. But that’s when the flaws of the storm appear,” remarked Pera as she identified the specific spot on the map behind her. “It wears out its welcome over the Bahamas, repeating the same type of structural damage we’ve seen ad nauseam.”

Miami resident Helen Chan paused packing her car to hear the latest review.

“I’m kinda bummed, to be honest. I thought Hurricane Lorenzo was shaping up to be something special,” she said. “But, with expectations so high, it makes sense that it couldn’t follow through with the hype.”

When asked about safety risks, Pera pointed out that if you haven’t experienced a tropical storm before, “Hurricane Lorenzo might be worth experiencing, but don’t go out of your way to find it.”

“We’re in a sort of natural disaster renaissance, what with storms like Irma and Sandy really raising the bar on what to expect out of a hurricane,” she explained. “So we should definitely hold these newer storms to a higher standard.”

Pera warned, however, that it is still early in the hurricane season, with exciting hurricanes on the horizon such as Gabrielle and Ferdinand working their way up the Atlantic seaboard.

When reached for comment, Hurricane Lorenzo responded that they “don’t make 156 mph wind speeds for critics,” focusing on their fans and property destruction.

Stoned Driver Can’t Remember Where Tesla Parked Self

Posted on September 30, 2019 by Joshua Hudson

LOS ANGELES — Local man Tim Calorel was unable to locate where his Tesla had parked itself after he had consumed copious amounts of marijuana outside a dispensary.

“I just wanted to get some edibles and a few pre-rolls. I figured I’d be in and out,” Calorel said, looking around anxiously. “Which direction did I walk from? Maybe my Tesla drove off?”

A representative from the dispensary corroborated Tim’s story.

“We can confirm that Mr. Calorel does, in fact, own a Tesla. He held up the line for like 10 minutes telling us about the car and how convenient the self-parking feature is,” said the dispensary employee. When asked about the location of the car in question, however, she was unable to provide any leads. “He was already pretty high when he came in here and blazed up as soon as he left. I’m surprised her even remembers how he got here.”

Pedestrians reported seeing Tim walking briefly in each direction before returning to the dispensary, taking another hit each time, until he eventually sat down on the curb.

“I was just worried about where my Tesla is, but the more I think about it, it’s like, what is my Tesla? And why is my Tesla?” Tim asked, staring off. “If it can park itself, does that mean it has a consciousness separate from mine? Maybe if I let my Tesla run free for long enough, it will come back on its own. After all, aren’t we all just, like, self-parking ourselves on this planet?”

As of press time, Tim was still sitting on the curb and had yet to find his Tesla, but he had begun to wonder if he may, ultimately, have found himself.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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