Pitchfork Meteorologist Ranks Hurricane Lorenzo a Category 3.7

Posted on by Dillon Magrann-Wells

KEY WEST, Fla. — Pitchfork meteorologist Janine Pera officially rated tropical storm  Lorenzo a 3.7 today just before the storm is scheduled to make landfall, according to previously worried and now simply disappointed sources.

“We try to examine each storm by how it fits into our cultural zeitgeist,” stated Pera. “But, after some consideration and doppler rewatching, while Hurricane Lorenzo does bring some interesting ideas to the table, it’s ultimately just a shallow retread of some of the groundbreaking Florida storm fronts of the early 2010s.”

Pera’s two-hour emergency weather broadcast offered a painstakingly detailed review.

“Hurricane Lorenzo definitely starts out strong and confident on the Gulf Stream, and it uses radical ideas to manipulate air pressure as it makes its way across the Caribbean. But that’s when the flaws of the storm appear,” remarked Pera as she identified the specific spot on the map behind her. “It wears out its welcome over the Bahamas, repeating the same type of structural damage we’ve seen ad nauseam.”

Miami resident Helen Chan paused packing her car to hear the latest review.

“I’m kinda bummed, to be honest. I thought Hurricane Lorenzo was shaping up to be something special,” she said. “But, with expectations so high, it makes sense that it couldn’t follow through with the hype.”

When asked about safety risks, Pera pointed out that if you haven’t experienced a tropical storm before, “Hurricane Lorenzo might be worth experiencing, but don’t go out of your way to find it.”

“We’re in a sort of natural disaster renaissance, what with storms like Irma and Sandy really raising the bar on what to expect out of a hurricane,” she explained. “So we should definitely hold these newer storms to a higher standard.”

Pera warned, however, that it is still early in the hurricane season, with exciting hurricanes on the horizon such as Gabrielle and Ferdinand working their way up the Atlantic seaboard.

When reached for comment, Hurricane Lorenzo responded that they “don’t make 156 mph wind speeds for critics,” focusing on their fans and property destruction.

Stoned Driver Can’t Remember Where Tesla Parked Self

Posted on by Joshua Hudson

LOS ANGELES — Local man Tim Calorel was unable to locate where his Tesla had parked itself after he had consumed copious amounts of marijuana outside a dispensary.

“I just wanted to get some edibles and a few pre-rolls. I figured I’d be in and out,” Calorel said, looking around anxiously. “Which direction did I walk from? Maybe my Tesla drove off?”

A representative from the dispensary corroborated Tim’s story. 

“We can confirm that Mr. Calorel does, in fact, own a Tesla. He held up the line for like 10 minutes telling us about the car and how convenient the self-parking feature is,” said the dispensary employee. When asked about the location of the car in question, however, she was unable to provide any leads. “He was already pretty high when he came in here and blazed up as soon as he left. I’m surprised her even remembers how he got here.”

Pedestrians reported seeing Tim walking briefly in each direction before returning to the dispensary, taking another hit each time, until he eventually sat down on the curb.

“I was just worried about where my Tesla is, but the more I think about it, it’s like, what is my Tesla? And why is my Tesla?” Tim asked, staring off. “If it can park itself, does that mean it has a consciousness separate from mine? Maybe if I let my Tesla run free for long enough, it will come back on its own. After all, aren’t we all just, like, self-parking ourselves on this planet?”

As of press time, Tim was still sitting on the curb and had yet to find his Tesla, but he had begun to wonder if he may, ultimately, have found himself.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Look Back On “The Boy With The Arab Strap” Because We’re Going Through Kind of a Bad Breakup

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Since its release in 1998, Belle and Sebastian’s “The Boy With the Arab Strap” has grown in esteem. Tracks from this classic indie-pop album have appeared in movies such as “High Fidelity” and “(500) Days of Summer” which is fitting since Kyle has stopped returning my calls and messages, so I guess it is pretty much over between us.

The tracks on this album flow seamlessly and are at times reassuring and at other times haunting, which I think is a pretty apt metaphor for our relationship, wouldn’t you say so Kyle? I’m not saying things between us were always great, but I was at least willing to make the effort! Did Belle and Sebastian let the fact that Pitchfork initially gave this album a 0.8 stop them? No, they didn’t! The point being, when things got difficult, they didn’t cut and run which is more than I can say for some people.

The album’s title was inspired by fellow Scotish band, Arab Strap, who were not amused by the inclusion of their band name in the title. Hmm, not having a sense of humor about things, sound like anyone you know, Kyle? You didn’t think I was actually serious when I told her someone who looks like her should be nicer to people? It was a joke! I didn’t expect her to react that way and it’s not like your family ever made any effort to even pretend to like me. This album grew on people, I could have grown on them!

Is this album perfect? The answer is no, but just like me, it has a lot of quality points. But you were always so quick to jump on my flaws and not embrace my better qualities. And don’t think I don’t know who that guy I’ve seen you with is. I bet he’s perfect, isn’t he? He’s just got it all figured out, he doesn’t need to be like Belle and Sebastian does he?

In any event, I’ll more than likely be standing outside your apartment playing this and crying. Don’t say you didn’t drive me to this.

Lonely Marilyn Manson Wishes He’d Get Blamed for a Shooting or Two Nowadays

Posted on by Mark Maira

LOS ANGELES — Industrial rock musician Marilyn Manson is growing increasingly frustrated and distraught over high-profile mass shootings in the U.S. and his apparent lack of blame for them, sources close to Manson confirmed.

“Columbine was literally my fault,” said Manson while in the studio working on his new album tentatively titled, “Kill Your Friends, Tell Them I Told You To.” “Those kids loved me — there were even reports they wore my T-shirt during the shooting. I’m not still cramming these $50 black contacts into my eyeballs to not be mentioned anytime someone commits a mass murder.”

Manson’s longtime guitar tech Mark Lubetski claimed the media’s lack of interest in the ’90s musician in the wake of mass shootings has really taken its toll on the singer.

“People are blaming violent video games, mental health issues, movies… but not one major news outlet is blaming Marilyn. It’s bullshit,” said Lubetski. “This guy made Michael Moore who he is, and now that ingrate won’t even return Marilyn’s phone calls. People forget there are secondary victims, like Marilyn, when these shootings happen.”

Gayle Anderson, a reporter for KTLA 5, noted Manson frequently calls in immediately after mass shootings to offer a statement.

“Anytime there’s a shooting that makes it into the national conversation, I can expect a call from Mr. Manson wanting to make a statement about how his music isn’t meant to be taken literally, and that these people are clearly unstable,” explained Anderson. “But there is no evidence that any shooters in the last 10 years even know who Marilyn Manson is. Nobody I know in the public conversation has brought him up in over two decades. I personally love his music — they play it all the time at my spin class.”

According to an anonymous source, Manson was also seen getting visibly agitated when he wasn’t mentioned in a recent Washington Post article about an underground bestiality ring in South Dakota.

Airline Pilot Has No Idea How His Demo Just Starting Playing

Posted on by Steven Kowalski

MINNEAPOLIS — Bassist and Delta Airlines pilot Chris Hamming swore today he had no idea how, minutes before his Boeing 757 was about to take off from the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport, his band’s demo tape began to play over the PA to a full cabin of passengers.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking,” Hamming said over the PA after nearly a minute of abrasive funk/punk played to nearly 200 travelers. “Hope you enjoyed the music. It’s a bit embarrassing, but that was my band’s demo tape — no idea how that started playing, but I hope you liked it. There’s more information about the band in your seatbacks, including Bandcamp links and a digital download code for anyone in our SkyMiles program. Thank you.”

However, members of the flight staff were skeptical of the captain’s claim that the music was an accident.

“That was absolutely on purpose. I saw him plugging the AUX cord into his phone when I brought him some chips,” said airline flight attendant Lisa Campbell. “Not to mention the fact that as soon as it started playing, I saw him peeking his head through the door… probably to see if anyone was bobbing their heads or something. Most people just ignored it — it sounds like a rejected Red Hot Chili Peppers song.”

An already tense situation was made worse when takeoff was mysteriously delayed.

“We were already behind schedule because Delta is the worst, but then the captain got back on the intercom and said they received word from the tower that it looked like we were going to be delayed for about two minutes and fifteen seconds,” said business class passenger Noah Winter. “And wouldn’t you know it, that was exactly the length of time it took to play another one of the captain’s songs. I thought the flight attendant rapping on Southwest flights was bad, but this made me want to look into taking more trains.”

As passengers deplaned after the flight, Hamming was seen passing out flyers to his upcoming show in Phoenix the next day. However, several passengers reminded Hamming that they had just landed in St. Louis and had no intention of attending.

For Sale: Second Controller, Never Played

Posted on by Matt Kenny

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local gamer James Milken posted a gut-wrenchingly sad Craigslist ad for his unused second controller, multiple sources distant from Milken confirmed. 

“Bought this extra DualShock 4 a while ago but haven’t had any use for it. Seems like nobody plays splitscreen anymore haha,” Milken’s post read, misattributing his social isolation to a wider trend towards online gaming. 

Milken shared the ad to Facebook, where it received numerous views and zero likes. 

“It’s like, just bring it to GameStop and get a few bucks for it. Don’t make everybody read that shit,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity because Milken has been trying to hang out with him and he keeps saying he’s out of town.   

Milken’s ad continued with particulars that amounted to a thinly veiled attempt to hang out. 

“If you want to test it out, you can. We can do some splitscreen Nazi Zombies and order a pizza. Or not. Whatever works,” the agonizing post read. “I’m free all day, all week.”

Milken’s family could not be reached for comment, as they were all at a brunch without him.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Homeless Man Declared National Landmark

Posted on by Tara Marie

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Community leaders gathered today to declare local chronically homeless man Arthur Waddel a historical landmark, holding a grand ceremony to mark the designation.

“We are here to commemorate the Creamsicle Man,” Mayor Maxine Edson said with a wave to the homeless man sitting on a slab of slightly raised concrete outside of Taqueria Vallero. “He has been a part of Santa Cruz since I was a child — I remember coming home from summer vacation and seeing the Creamsicle Man begging for money on Ocean Ave., and feeling a great sense of relief. When I see our Arthur sleeping between garbage cans or being harassed by police for merely existing, I know I’m home.”

While most in attendance were eager participants in the dedication ceremony, others questioned why this was needed and who it even helped.

“It kind of seems like… maybe some city program or something might actually be a better move than just adding this guy as a stop on a sightseeing tour,” said local chocolatier Dennis Vimislicki. “On the other hand, though, the foot traffic is definitely gonna help get the numbers up around here once this guy gets added to Santa Cruz’s ‘Lonely Planet’ guide. Maybe we could get Banksy to tag something on him, too — that would be really cool.”

While Waddel is believed to have said something during the dedication, he was unable to be heard over the beeping of the cement mixer brought in to immortalize him as it pulled into position. However, that did not stop the joyous occasion.

“With this first step, we are taking strides to change the image associated with Santa Cruz: we aren’t just Silicon Valley’s little sister or the place where ‘Us’ was filmed,” Mayor Edson said. “We’re not just a pitstop on the way to San Francisco — we’re the place where homeless people live. And that’s not changing. Our hope is that, more than the Boardwalk or our farmers markets, this is what we are remembered for.”

“And for those who believe this won’t help our dear friend Art, let me tell you this: when I declared my second rental property a historical landmark, it increased the value by over $100,000. That’s a lot of equity for a homeless person,” she added.

At press time, several tourists were taking selfies with Waddel, marked with the location tag “Dehumanized homeless guy who’s been here since before the internet.”

Article by Tara Marie & Aubrey Aileen.

Remembering Dave Matthews Band’s Most Memorable Release On Its 15th Anniversary

Posted on by Alex Salcido

August 8, 2004 has found itself an unlikely little corner in rock history. For fans and critics alike of The Dave Matthews Band, the events of that fateful day in Chicago, Illinois still prove to be the folk/rock/jazz fusion jam band’s most enduring artistic contribution.

That day, 800 pounds of human waste was released from the septic tank of one of the group’s tour buses, rushed through the platform grille of Downtown’s Kinzie Street Bridge and into the Chicago River below. There, it tragically met a group of unsuspecting tourists crossing in a tour vessel. Following waves of ridicule and scorn, along with $300,000 paid in settlement fees, the band reached the other side of this nauseating accident with a new legacy tied to the initialism “DMB” – one that endures to this day.

Michael Nabors – local Chicago record store clerk
When I first heard Dave Matthews Band had unloaded 800 pounds of shit on Chicago, I just thought that was a really weird way to say “they played all the hits.” Thankfully, it was only slightly worse than I’d imagined.

Hugh Baker – music critic, Chicago Daily Herald
Stronger than any effort that predates or follows it, the stench of 800 pounds of human waste will linger for ages – carrying with it the enduring legacy of the Charlottesville group.

Maria Reynolds – victim
The moment we were struck, all I remember is a blur of brown and yellow, then everything going dark and silent. That silence still lives with me.

Jeff Helwig – fan/victim
Don’t get me wrong, it was awful. I was sick as a dog, my car’s interior was ruined, I burned my clothes, and took so many showers – but when I found out it was Dave’s bus, I’ll admit I was a bit starstruck. “Before These Crowded Streets” is one of my favorite records. Shortly thereafter, I found out it really came from (former violinist) Boyd Tinsley’s bus – I was still OKAY with it, but it was definitely NOT as cool.

Toby Flemming – victim
I used to love the smell of human shit. Now, I hate it. Thanks a lot Dave.

Well, we can’t wait to see what Dave and the boys have cooked up for the big 20th anniversary. Like those lone anonymous homemade historical markers placed on the Kinzie Street Bridge read: #NeverForget, #AlwaysRemember.

Maturing New Found Glory Frontman Writes Lyrics About Crazy Girls Who Want Half of Your Earnings in Divorce Settlements

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CORAL SPRINGS, Fla. — New Found Glory frontman Jordan Pundik reported he’s no longer motivated to write lyrics about teenage breakups, instead focusing on the emotional distress of divorce, alimony, and custody battles.

“It really doesn’t make sense for a 40-year-old man to be writing songs about their high school sweetheart, or how no woman should ever be allowed to get between two best friends. I’ll leave that for Blink-182,” said Pundik. “I wanted to focus my creative juices towards what my peers are experiencing now — like how their ex-wives want 50 percent of everything, even if they never recorded a single song or went on tour where they slept in a van for weeks at a time.”

“I mean, how is that fair?” added Pundik.

While New Found Glory bandmate Chad Gilbert is supportive of the new lyrical direction, he admitted the songs don’t feel as fun.

“A lot of times in the studio, we’ll do gang vocals where we scream things like, ‘Don’t let her pull you down,’ or ‘My friends over you,’ and other cool guy stuff. It’s always my favorite part of recording,” said Gilbert. “But some of the singalong parts that Jordan’s bringing to the studio are a lot more depressing… like, ‘I won’t have another man raising my kids,’ or ‘I swear to God I’m going to fucking kill myself.’ It’s sort of a bummer, but I have my guitar parts to focus on. I can’t get bogged down in his personal life.”

For their part, fans who have followed the pop-punk mainstays for the past 22 years seem excited to have new music from the group.

“Ever since I was a teenager, it seemed like New Found Glory was always writing songs about my life. But once I got married and settled down, I didn’t think about my psycho exes as much,” said longtime fan Sean Miller. “My focus shifted to the fact I married the wrong person, and now I’m going to have to live in a shitty one-bedroom in the bad part of town while she lives in the house with her new boyfriend, an oncologist who bicycles to work. So, yeah… I’m excited to hear how NFG covers that sort of pain.”

Conversely, Saves the Day fans are hoping Chris Conley will go back to writing songs about brutally dismembering women.

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