Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Person Who Ate at Taco Bell Now Inflicted With Poison Damage

Posted on September 28, 2019 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

LAWRENCE, N.Y. — Local restaurant-goer Dennis Malloy was recently inflicted with Poison Damage after eating at Taco Bell early this afternoon. According to Malloy, he started to feel unwell shortly after eating his order of a Crunchwrap Supreme and a Chicken Quesarito combo. His Poison status was apparent as he consistently kept blinking purple.

“I didn’t get like, sick, or anything,” Malloy explained. “I just started feeling worse for some reason. Every second or so that passes, I feel a little weaker. Like a get a little pang with every step. Is Taco Bell actually food?”

Laura Mendes, the manager of this particular chain, has received several complaints from customers about being afflicted with random status ailments upon visiting.

“It happens with practically everyone who eats here,” Mendes said. “I’ve had people come to me about our food causing Burn Damage to their assholes and Stun to their digestive tracts, but it’s a problem at every Taco Bell, not just mine. If you’re gonna eat here, then you should’ve upped your Resist stats in the first place.”

When asked about eating at any other restaurant, Malloy stated that among fast food restaurants he frequents, Taco Bell causes him the least problems in terms of status afflictions.

“At least it’s not Checkers or something. There, I get grease all over my stuff and Slow,” Malloy said. “At least I can still move.”

Shortly after being interviewed, Malloy proceeded to find the nearest CVS to buy Antidote x6 to prepare himself for any future Taco Bell quests.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Spotify No Help in Finding That Surf Rock Song That Goes “Ba-Da Da-Da Baaa-Da BA Da, Ba-Da BA-Da Baaa Da-Da”

Posted on September 28, 2019 by Dan Rice

LOS ANGELES — A growing number of Spotify users are increasingly frustrated with the streaming service’s inability to find a specific surf rock song by phonetically sounding out the one part of the song stuck in their heads, sources report.

“I admit that, in many ways, Spotify is super convenient,” said longtime user Elaine Clemt. “But like, come on! Sure, I don’t know the exact album or song title or artist name… but it’s so goddamn clear in my head! With today’s technology, that should be enough. I even did the part where a guy says, ‘Ooo ha ha ha, surfs up!’ But still nothing.”

Spotify spokesperson Pat Sloan claimed, however, the frustration stems from users’ misunderstanding of what Spotify is and how it works.

“We are an online music library. I’m not really sure what more people want from us,” explained Sloan, trying to hide his frustration. “Our content is organized and searchable by artist, album and song; our algorithm has no way of knowing what you mean when you say something like, ‘Go “ba-da da-da baaa-da ba da, ba-da ba-da baaa da-da”’ to it. Why would anyone think physically speaking to the app would actually garner any results? I wonder if Pandora users are this dumb, or if it’s just our customers.”

Indeed, a quick search for #spotify on Twitter revealed several customers woefully misinformed about how the app actually works.

“Done with #spotify,” tweeted one user under the handle @SurfinBirdAlex. “I tell it to play that Santo and Johnny song I’m thinking of, nothing. I say, ‘Spotify, how much milk is in my fridge,’ nothing. ‘Spotify, Chromecast my computer porn to the TV.’ Nothing. Spotify is mad dumb.”

For their part, Sloan insisted Spotify is working on ways to solve it’s surf-rock fan interphase issues. Several potential solutions include simply yelling at people, removing all surf rock from the platform, and a widespread institution of intelligence-based eugenics.

Documentarian Absolutely Forced to Make Own Life Part of Story

Posted on September 28, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

FLINT, Mich. — Documentarian Bernard Oliver “simply had no choice” but to make his own life story an integral part of the fabric of his upcoming Hulu film about Flint, Mich. entitled “Dirty Water,” according to a press release he put out today.

“I hate being in the spotlight; I don’t want to be even remotely famous. And yet, for the fifth time in a row, I find absolutely no choice other than to make myself the star of my own documentary,” Oliver said in a clip from “Dirty Water” released as a sneak peek. “This whole clean water crisis in Flint… it reminds me of my dad, and how we used to go swimming. Shit, I’m crying a little bit. It’s really hard for me to talk about this, but I know how important it is for the film.”

“Did your dad pass away?” Oliver’s friend can be heard asking off-camera.

“No, but he doesn’t like swimming anymore,” Oliver admitted, “which sucks.”

According to crewmembers on the film, Oliver tried to force himself into “Dirty Water” from the very beginning of the shoot.

“Literally day one, we get to Michigan and Bernard’s like, ‘We have to get an interview with the mayor! This whole documentary is now about how the mayor refuses to discuss this issue with us,’” cameraman Kit Robinson said. “So I called up Mayor [Karen] Weaver… and she was actually super chill! She immediately agreed to an interview, and was pretty excited we were doing a documentary about the city to raise awareness.”

According to Mayor Weaver, however, the perceived excitement quickly turned into frustration.

“I wanted to help this young man make an honest documentary that shows the resilience and tenacity of this great city. But all he wanted to talk about was how our water gives people mono, and that it’s ‘serendipitous’ that he was the one directing the film because getting mono in sixth grade directly defined the rest of his life,” said Mayor Weaver. “I know for a fact that our water doesn’t cause someone to get mono, so I think he was reaching. Also, he spent at least 90 minutes of the interview talking about how he doesn’t have a relationship with his dad, and kept trying to relate the pain in his heart with the damaged Flint water pipes. It was bad.”

As of press time, an executive from Hulu explained that the company does not particularly care about the content of “Dirty Water” as long as it releases before the nearly identical upcoming Netflix documentary, “Not Clean: The Flint Water Story.”

I Actually Do Play Sportsball and My Team Did Score the Most Goal Baskets and Your Comments Offended Me

Posted on September 28, 2019 by Dan Rice

Hey, we get it- you’re not into sports. That’s cool. But what’s not cool is how every year you see people around you getting all amped up for football season and you feel threatened because it’s something you’re not a part of, so the defensive mockery begins.

“Hey chief, how was the big Sportsball match!? Did your team score more field goal baskets than the other team?” And so on and so forth. Comments like this are sad and hurtful. Sad because you can’t just let your friends like what they like. Hurtful, because me and my fellow Sportsball players are sick of the general public refusing to acknowledge Sportsball as a real sport!

My name is Hoops Gerbrawlsky and I play professional Sportsball for the New Jersey Fast Guys. I score more goal baskets per season than anyone in the league and your ignorance is offensive.

You have absolutely no appreciation for the nuance of Sportsball on the professional level. Try to put yourself in my shoes. It’s the 4th half. Bases are down. Ten seconds left on the sportsclock and you’re all out of pausies. Somehow you’ve got to get that gameball all the way up that sportfield and into that scorezone but there are defense guys all over the field court. The score is 14 – 83 Other Team, who were undefeated last sports cycle. Only a field goal basket with a statue of liberty penalty blitz will bring you the big W and your squad team will hoist the Stan Lee Trophy Cup for all to see. Can you rise to the occasion? Yeah, I thought not. I guess that’s why you hide behind your jokes.

My life is hard enough without having to deal with being insulted and dismissed by people like you. I’m at the top of my field but still have to work construction during the off season. Sportsball is the one sport in America where even the pros don’t pay enough to make a sustainable living. Unless you count soccer and hockey as sports, which I do not.

Venue Security Keeping Eye on Guy Next to Pit Holding Large Bag of Marbles

Posted on September 28, 2019 by James Knapp

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Security personnel kept a close eye last night on a shady-looking man standing on the edge of the mosh pit, holding a large bag of marbles, cautious sources confirmed.

“There was really no cause for alarm,” said head of security Chris Ronson. “My team was fully aware of the situation and handled it in accordance with our in-house protocol. Look, people bring all kinds of weird shit in here — we can’t approach every showgoer holding a bag of marbles or bucket of thumbtacks or terrarium full of tarantulas. This ain’t the first code: ‘Home Alone’ we’ve had here, and it probably won’t be the last.”

Despite the assurance from security, numerous show attendees were concerned by the guy’s presence by the pit with a bag full of the most classically slipable object in existence.

“Yeah, I saw that guy. We all saw him.” said show attendee Kira Jackson. “Anybody who has seen ‘Animal House’ knows what he’s planning to do. Where’s the security? I haven’t even gone in the pit because I know as soon as I do, I’m gonna end up in recreating a ‘Three Stooges’ bit… and I really don’t wanna spill my drink.”

However, some looked forward to the possible mayhem the unleashing of the marbles might bring.

“Man… I’m old enough by now to know what a nightmare an inflamed knee or a twisted ankle can be. But after playing essentially the same show every night for like, two months straight, it would be kinda cool to see a bunch of people just eat shit on the floor,” explained Slaughter Otter frontwoman Reva Diaz. “I’m tempted to toss an old banana peel out there myself if this dude doesn’t make a move soon.”

The marble-possessing man was last seen untying the drawstring to the bag of marbles and mock-lobbing it while making ‘whooshing’ noises with his mouth.

Photo by Jon Wood.

If Greta Thunberg is Old Enough to Speak in Front of the UN, She is Old Enough to Accept My Invitation to Mortal Kombat

Posted on September 27, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

Greta Thunberg, poster child for the radicalization of our youth, spoke in front of the members of the United Nations on climate change recently. Everyone talked of how brave and mature this 16 year-old was to call everyone to task on their inaction on pollution. Well, I thought to myself while watching this, why not let us see just how brave and mature this Greta really is?

Imagine my shock when people start lambasting me. Me! Shang Tsung! Grandmaster of Mortal Kombat… for simply extending a mandatory invitation to Greta to compete in a martial art competition to the death. If she is so in love with this planet, should she not jump at the chance to fight magical warriors in an effort to stop me from conquering Earth? Pretty hypocritical, I think.

Personally, I don’t think there is anything creepy about demanding a teenager to travel to Outworld and battle others for my pleasure. Frost was 19 when she first fought in Mortal Kombat! Where were the PC police then? Makes one wonder who is pulling the strings behind Greta.

We never set up an ‘age of consent’ for Mortal Kombat because we here at the tournament understand that people mature at different rates. I’m somewhere between 21 and 141 years old… Age is just a number. That didn’t come out right. Stop twisting my words around! All I’m saying is that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she should live with the existential dread of having her spine ripped out via her throat as all adults do.

Her soul will be mine. But not in, like, a creepy way, I just mean I’ll kill her and absorb her spirit.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Paramedic Fixes Gamer by Blowing Into Him a Few Times

Posted on September 27, 2019 by Matt Kenny

PEARL RIVER, N.Y. — Local paramedic Amy Rivera tried to resuscitate an unresponsive gamer this morning by blowing into him a few times, multiple bystanders confirmed.

“Gamers can suddenly stop working, but you just kinda grab ’em and blow into ’em,” said Rivera. “Usually does the trick.”

Diane Smith, a local shopkeeper, came out of her store as a crowd of people gathered to watch Rivera attempt to reboot the gamer.

“The paramedic seemed to get frustrated that the gamer wouldn’t turn back on. She was banging on his chest to see if that would restart his system, but no dice,” said Smith.

The CDC has noted an uptick in gamers crashing much earlier than anticipated, according to CDC Spokeswoman Dr. Wendy Adams.

“Gamers are highly susceptible to premature death,” said Adams. “So if you see one in distress, have an older cousin meticulously clean them with a microfiber cloth.”

Rivera continued to troubleshoot the gamer’s issues as he laid motionless on the pavement.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not a virus. Hmmm. Maybe he needs a charge,” said Rivera as she went for her automated external defibrillator. “Let’s give him a little juice.”

Diane Smith watched through her fingers as the gamer convulsed with 3,000 volts of electricity.

“It looked like he turned back on for a second, but it was a total fake out,” said Smith.

At press time, Rivera had just told the gamer’s family that he was busted and they should probably get a new one.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Singer Already Loaded In

Posted on September 27, 2019 by Michael O'Connor

DURHAM, N.C. — Acid Frankenstein singer Patrick Morris happily announced last night that he was already “loaded in and ready to go” two minutes after arriving at the band’s tour stop at The Lo-Dive, venue staff confirmed.

“I’m stoked to be playing here, and it’s been a really easy set up — I pretty much just had to make sure there was a mic up there… and sure enough, there it was, so I’m all set,” said the vocalist, taking another sip of beer and pretending not to see bassist Sean Powell drag his 8×10 cab up the stairs. “I love touring, man. It’s non-stop fun. I wish it never ended.”

Witnesses reported Morris stood outside smoking and watching his bandmates unload their full stacks and drums from the van.

“He talked my ear off about how he doesn’t understand why people think touring is so hard,” said doorman Kevin Rivera. “He said the other guys in the band didn’t like it as much and didn’t have the passion for it, but I’m pretty sure they just all have herniated discs. We watched an amp slip out of one of the guy’s hands and it landed right on his foot — it was definitely broken. [Morris] just laughed and told him to ‘walk it off.’”

To his credit, Morris allegedly offered what he calls “moral support” to the rest of the band.

“He does this thing where he tells us, ‘Good job’ and ‘I’m proud of you’ and stuff like that, but it comes off as pretty sarcastic. And he refuses to bring in the merch tub, because he’s afraid it might strain his throat somehow,” said drummer Lawrence Tran. “I try not to let it get to me, but this venue is on the third floor and he’s intentionally walking really slow in front of me and pretending to be on the phone with my mom while I carry a bass drum.”

Unfortunately, Morris could not be reached for comment during the load-out later in the night, as he was passed out in the back of the van.

Bumfuck, Iowa Centennial Celebration to Honor Founder Arthur Bumfuck

Posted on September 27, 2019 by Krissy Howard

BUMFUCK, Iowa — The small, central Iowa town of Bumfuck announced plans today to honor its eponymous founder Arthur Bumfuck in a centennial festival scheduled to take place later this weekend.

“It’s the big 1-0-0 here in Bumfuck, and we’re honored to celebrate the day my great-granddaddy Artie settled this land a century ago,” said lifelong Bumfuckian and direct descendant of the town’s founder, Melissa Bumfuck-Wells. “We had a pretty small budget to work with, but the young folks in cities like New York and L.A. can’t seem to stop talking about us whenever they try to make a point, so we’re expecting a pretty big turnout.”

The celebration is slated to feature local apples, a parade down Main Street, and a display from an area bath fitter, all of which were chosen to highlight the finer things about living way out in Bumfuck, Iowa.

“When people think of Bumfuck, they automatically assume we’re a bunch of toothless yokels who never got out of this town because we’re too busy tipping cows and getting pregnant under the bleachers, but that’s not true,” explained town historian Tammy White. “They’re thinking of those ingrates over in that one stoplight town, Bumfuck, Nowhere… which is so small it’s not even on the map.”

“Plus, we will have two cotton candy machines, and a rock band coming all the way out from Backwoods Shithole, Pennsylvania — which I hear is absolutely gorgeous this time of year, and should be a big hit with our younger residents,” she added.

While much of the town is excited and ready to enjoy the festivities, some residents seem unhappy with the planning.

“Man, I’d go… but they set the parade way the hell out in East Bumfuck,” stated Bumfuck Heights resident who’s “pretty sure he’s scheduled to work that day anyway,” Jim Bob Higgs. “I can get out there, but since it’s on a Sunday and the busses stop running early, I’m not sure how I’d get back. I guess we’ll just have to see.”

At press time, small towns across the country were planning similar celebrations of their own, including Middle of Nowhere, Nebraska, and Out in the Shit Sticks, Texas.

Here’s How Long You Should Pretend to Be Interested at a Farmer’s Market When You Just Want Free Samples

Posted on September 27, 2019 by Rob Steinberg

We get it, you were just passing through and saw enough free samples to fashion together a full meal. You know the food is technically free but you still have to pay the social cost of pretending to be interested in a bunch ex-hippy’s bean melon plants or whatever. Luckily, the Hard Times has done your research for you and we’re excited to divulge the appropriate amount of time one should pretend they’re going to buy something at a booth.

According to the math, the appropriate amount rounds out to about thirty seconds. This requires eye contact, two questions, the sample, say it’s delicious, then the final task of saying you’ll come back but never do.

The correct amount of time spent at a booth is important to the seller. If you immediately reach for the samples, they’ll know you’re only using them for their sweet, sweet bean melons. If you ask too many questions without buying anything, you’re wasting their time.

The trick is to at least pretend you view them as real people as opposed to the snack dispensing automatons we all wish they were. Don’t forget, this isn’t a typical trip to the Supermarket. Farmers Market vendors are different from Costco employees. They have feelings.

This can also change depending on the booth. Someone who makes their own jams and salsas has much to ask about as well as multiple samples. Meanwhile, DSA booths are preferred to be avoided as their only free samples are pamphlets.

Just make sure whatever you do don’t actually buy something. It’s against the freeloader’s creed.

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