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If Greta Thunberg is Old Enough to Speak in Front of the UN, She is Old Enough to Accept My Invitation to Mortal Kombat

Greta Thunberg, poster child for the radicalization of our youth, spoke in front of the members of the United Nations on climate change recently. Everyone talked of how brave and mature this 16 year-old was to call everyone to task on their inaction on pollution. Well, I thought to myself while watching this, why not let us see just how brave and mature this Greta really is?

Imagine my shock when people start lambasting me. Me! Shang Tsung! Grandmaster of Mortal Kombat… for simply extending a mandatory invitation to Greta to compete in a martial art competition to the death. If she is so in love with this planet, should she not jump at the chance to fight magical warriors in an effort to stop me from conquering Earth? Pretty hypocritical, I think.

Personally, I don’t think there is anything creepy about demanding a teenager to travel to Outworld and battle others for my pleasure. Frost was 19 when she first fought in Mortal Kombat! Where were the PC police then? Makes one wonder who is pulling the strings behind Greta. 

We never set up an ‘age of consent’ for Mortal Kombat because we here at the tournament understand that people mature at different rates. I’m somewhere between 21 and 141 years old… Age is just a number. That didn’t come out right. Stop twisting my words around! All I’m saying is that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she should live with the existential dread of having her spine ripped out via her throat as all adults do.

Her soul will be mine. But not in, like, a creepy way, I just mean I’ll kill her and absorb her spirit.

 

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