BUMFUCK, Iowa — The small, central Iowa town of Bumfuck announced plans today to honor its eponymous founder Arthur Bumfuck in a centennial festival scheduled to take place later this weekend.
“It’s the big 1-0-0 here in Bumfuck, and we’re honored to celebrate the day my great-granddaddy Artie settled this land a century ago,” said lifelong Bumfuckian and direct descendant of the town’s founder, Melissa Bumfuck-Wells. “We had a pretty small budget to work with, but the young folks in cities like New York and L.A. can’t seem to stop talking about us whenever they try to make a point, so we’re expecting a pretty big turnout.”
The celebration is slated to feature local apples, a parade down Main Street, and a display from an area bath fitter, all of which were chosen to highlight the finer things about living way out in Bumfuck, Iowa.
“When people think of Bumfuck, they automatically assume we’re a bunch of toothless yokels who never got out of this town because we’re too busy tipping cows and getting pregnant under the bleachers, but that’s not true,” explained town historian Tammy White. “They’re thinking of those ingrates over in that one stoplight town, Bumfuck, Nowhere… which is so small it’s not even on the map.”
“Plus, we will have two cotton candy machines, and a rock band coming all the way out from Backwoods Shithole, Pennsylvania — which I hear is absolutely gorgeous this time of year, and should be a big hit with our younger residents,” she added.
While much of the town is excited and ready to enjoy the festivities, some residents seem unhappy with the planning.
“Man, I’d go… but they set the parade way the hell out in East Bumfuck,” stated Bumfuck Heights resident who’s “pretty sure he’s scheduled to work that day anyway,” Jim Bob Higgs. “I can get out there, but since it’s on a Sunday and the busses stop running early, I’m not sure how I’d get back. I guess we’ll just have to see.”
At press time, small towns across the country were planning similar celebrations of their own, including Middle of Nowhere, Nebraska, and Out in the Shit Sticks, Texas.