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I Actually Do Play Sportsball and My Team Did Score the Most Goal Baskets and Your Comments Offended Me

Hey, we get it- you’re not into sports. That’s cool. But what’s not cool is how every year you see people around you getting all amped up for football season and you feel threatened because it’s something you’re not a part of, so the defensive mockery begins.

“Hey chief, how was the big Sportsball match!? Did your team score more field goal baskets than the other team?” And so on and so forth. Comments like this are sad and hurtful. Sad because you can’t just let your friends like what they like. Hurtful, because me and my fellow Sportsball players are sick of the general public refusing to acknowledge Sportsball as a real sport!

My name is Hoops Gerbrawlsky and I play professional Sportsball for the New Jersey Fast Guys. I score more goal baskets per season than anyone in the league and your ignorance is offensive.

You have absolutely no appreciation for the nuance of Sportsball on the professional level. Try to put yourself in my shoes. It’s the 4th half. Bases are down. Ten seconds left on the sportsclock and you’re all out of pausies. Somehow you’ve got to get that gameball all the way up that sportfield and into that scorezone but there are defense guys all over the field court. The score is 14 – 83 Other Team, who were undefeated last sports cycle. Only a field goal basket with a statue of liberty penalty blitz will bring you the big W and your squad team will hoist the Stan Lee Trophy Cup for all to see. Can you rise to the occasion? Yeah, I thought not. I guess that’s why you hide behind your jokes.

My life is hard enough without having to deal with being insulted and dismissed by people like you. I’m at the top of my field but still have to work construction during the off season. Sportsball is the one sport in America where even the pros don’t pay enough to make a sustainable living. Unless you count soccer and hockey as sports, which I do not.

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