WASHINGTON — A harrowing new study by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency found that the encroaching threat of climate change will turn what would be quarter-life crises into midlife crises worldwide as early as 2025.
“Many young 20-somethings around the world are experiencing the standard, existential dread that comes along with getting older — worrying about student loan debts, rising rent prices, and whether or not they should one day have children,” explained lead researcher Marie Sherman. “But climate change is going to ruin all that by ending massive parts of civilization in the next 20-30 years. If these millennials are going to die at 40, that means they’re actually experiencing their midlife crisis right now. And, frankly, they’re way behind.”
“If all the 25-year-olds of the world want to get on track,” she added, “they need to stop freaking out about their career paths, buy a boat, and look into getting divorced.”
The study has already sent shockwaves through younger communities, forcing many to reevaluate their lifestyles.
“Climate change is fucking up everything about my life,” said 28-year-old Justin Bennett of Chicago. “I’m supposed to be having panic attacks about whether or not I want to go to grad school, but now that I know I’m halfway through my life, I freaked out and bought a Corvette. I don’t have that kind of fucking money and I live in a city!”
Despite reactions from those under 35, many from older generations have had a more mild reaction to the study.
“These whiny kids need to grow the hell up,” said 70-year-old Emmanuel Bright. “This generation is always complaining! Boo hoo, you only have 20 years left to live. My doctor told me I only have 18 years or so left because of my heart condition, and you don’t see me complaining! What a bunch of cowards.”
“When I was their age, I wasn’t going around bitching and moaning — I was doing a ridiculous amount of cocaine,” Bright continued. “That’s how I got the heart condition, after all.”
At press time, a counter-study by scientists at ExxonMobil concluded that the average human will actually live until 150, so everyone needs to “just chill the ‘f’ out and keep drilling.”