BRANSON, Mo. — Teddy Hitherton, the lead guitarist and backup vocalist of The Hitherton Family Jamboree Gang, announced yesterday that he would continue as a solo act following the tragic death of his entire family in a riverboat fire.
“Nobody ever said show business was easy. If this is part of God’s plan for the Hitherton Family Jamboree Gang, then so be it,” said Hitherton, clutching a photo of his recently deceased family while holding back tears. “Obviously, things are different now — my beautiful wife Anna will no longer be banging that tambourine, little Jimmy won’t be behind the drums anymore with his crazy red hair, and my darling daughters will no longer be on vocals. They’re singing for the angels now.”
Compounding his grief, the untimely death of 80 percent of the band came just before a packed performance schedule. Many fans noted the live show is far more somber.
“They’ve played a back-to-school show in Biloxi for the past three years, and me and my family always have so much fun singing along… but this year was a huge bummer,” said Janice Everton, mother of three. “Instead of playing their normal covers of Monkees songs, [Teddy] just slugged a bottle of scotch while talking about how he still hears the screams of his daughters every time he closes his eyes at night. God, just play something from The Osmonds catalog and move on already.”
Jonas Finch, the patriarch and head songwriter of “rival” family band Nest of Finches, offered Mr. Hitherton his condolences.
“What a terrible tragedy that has befallen them. They were such a beautiful family — it’s a shame to see them cut short right before the fall harvest festival season,” said Finch. “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lose a child, not to mention three, all at once. I just want it to be known that we’re here for Teddy if he needs a shoulder to cry on, and we are also here for any promoters who actually want an intact family to perform and not some drunk widower who can’t stop crying.”
Mr. Hitherton allegedly hopes to release a new album by Christmas tentatively titled, “All I Want for Christmas Is the Sweet Release of Death.”