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So You Loudly Pronounced “Sufjan Stevens” Wrong in a Record Store. Here’s How to Leave Town and Start a New Life

So, you’ve done it. You were flipping through the S section at your local record store and loudly exclaimed to your girlfriend “Oh, they have Illinois by Suff-jann Stevens. I’ve been meaning to get a copy for ages.”

And everybody heard you.

“Um, it’s pronounced Soof-yann,” says the bearded clerk wearing a Pitchfork Fest 2008 shirt, using a scornful tone typically only reserved for judges sentencing a heartless criminal.

“Yeah,” adds your girlfriend. “Everybody knows that.”

This is a new girlfriend you really like. You see a future with her: kids, complementary careers, and a cute character home in a hip area. However, no girlfriend, no future, and no cute character home will heal the deep, soul-crushing shame you feel in that moment.

So, you need to leave town and start a new life.

Firstly, fake your own death. Fabricate an illness; leave a mysterious suicide note; dress a crash-test dummy in your clothing, fill it with raspberry jam, and hurl it off a bridge. Get creative and use your imagination. Feel free to say farewell to your loved ones, but don’t overdo it. We don’t want anybody getting suspicious.

Next you’re going to want to pick your new city. Go ahead and choose something with a nice arts scene. Just because you had to leave behind everyone you know, it doesn’t mean you have to abandon your indie-rock fandom.

You’ll next want to get in touch with a criminal launderer. You need to get your money to you in your new city. A quick search on the deep web should put your information in the right hands. Once you have your money, you’ll want to spend it on some cosmetic procedures. Always felt self-conscious about your pointy nose? Now’s the time to try a new look.

After finding a new place, a new job, and a new group of friends, your transition will be complete. If an old acquaintance vacationing in your new city spots and recognizes you, don’t hesitate to kidnap them, murder them, and melt the body in a vat of acid. You’ve already once killed your indie cred. What’s killing a person?

Eventually you’ll meet a new girl. You see the kids, the careers, the house, and everything feels right. You’ll return to the S section in your new favorite record store and look at a used copy of Carrie & Lowell. You turn to her. “You ever get into Soof-yann?”

“Yes, I love him,” she replies, and the two of you share a kiss. Your eyes then drift a few records over.

“Do you like Siggurr Ross?” you continue. “I had a post-rock phase in college.”

“Um, it’s pronounced See-Uhrr Rose,” she replies. Everybody in the store looks at you, their eyes piercing with the power of 1000 bullets.

You remorsefully look at your beautiful girlfriend one last time, for you know what must be done.

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