Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

World-Class Team of Surgeons Successfully Removes GameStop Sticker

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

PHILADELPHIA — A major breakthrough in medical science took place late last night, as a team consisting of the world’s top surgeons performed the first ever successful GameStop sticker removal procedure, sources report.

“It was touch-and-go for a little while, but we managed to keep it together and get the job done,” said lead surgeon Tim Whitford during a post-surgery press conference. “I don’t think any other team would’ve been able to pull this sticker off. I’ve been trying on my own for close to a decade, and my son’s games all look like absolute dogshit.”

The 15 hour procedure, performed on a used copy of 2012’s Spec Ops: The Line, was a tough challenge for the five person team, many of whom had never worked on such a unique patient. But while the team knew the risks going in, they say the payoff was more than worth it.

“Just seeing the game case in the ICU after we finished, completely free of that dirty sticker with the criminally inflated resale price, well it’s hard not to get a little choked up,” said Sandra Nakamura, a heart surgeon in charge of scraping off all the excess glue. “I know it’s just one patient out of millions, but giving this game a second chance at life is the whole reason I got into this job. By the way, have you played Spec Ops? Suuuper underrated, dude. I’ve got a copy here you can borrow if you want.”

While the successful sticker removal is encouraging for both surgeons and gamers alike, it could still be several years before the procedure is viable on a larger scale. Despite the uncertainty, this team of surgeons still remains optimistic about the future.

“There’s still a lot of work left to do, and a lot of patients left to save,” said Whitford at the conclusion of the press conference. “But we take comfort in the fact that GameStop is almost certainly going out of business within the next fiscal year. Maybe then the healing can really begin.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo via Ryan Finnie.

Report: The Bathroom Was Already Like That

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Jessica Carreiro

LOS ANGELES — Local showgoer Hannah Bishop left Tower Bar’s only bathroom late last night in a state many witnesses described as “irreparably fouled,” grossed-out sources allege.

“I swear to God, it wasn’t me — it was that big, burly guy who went before me. You saw him, right? I mean, someone must’ve seen him,” said Bishop, denying any responsibility for the shit-speckled toilet and walls. “Maybe I added like, a small percentage of pee to the piss puddle that was already there… but I think it’s hilarious you all actually think I’m the one who wrecked the bathroom. It’s so funny. But really, though, you know it wasn’t me, right? Is that what people are saying?”

However, many in line behind Bishop argued the length of time she occupied the facility would account for that level of soiling.

“Oh, yeah. She totally did it,” said Steven Haynes-Toller, who was directly in line behind Bishop and the first to see her walk out. “I remember the second our eyes locked as she opened the door to leave: she saw the smell hit me, then she barricaded the door and blurted, ‘It was already like that!’ But I’m pretty sure I saw her eating clam strips from her purse out on the smoker’s patio like, 20 minutes before she went in there. Not hard to connect the dots.”

Bar owner Vincent Parisi has since quarantined the bathroom, claiming the smell has not dissipated. So far, two professional cleaners have already refused the job.

“The last time we had to have a clean-up crew come in was our G.G. Allin-themed karaoke night. Even then, everyone shat on the stage, so the bathroom wasn’t this bad,” Parisi said, shaking his head and pulling gallons of bleach out of the back of his Mazda. “You don’t want to believe one person is capable of all this. It’s haunting.”

At press time, Bishop was doubling down on her claims, exclaiming loudly that “management should really do something about the bathroom” to no one in particular while laughing nervously.

Photo by Tiana Miller.

Man Has Fun, Hypothetical Debate with Woman Reliving the Most Traumatic Experience of Her Life

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Shea Strauss

CARLSBAD, N.M. — Avid Tinder user Myles Soto enjoyed playing Devil’s advocate last night while his date begged him to empathize with her most painful personal experience, several horrified witnesses confirmed.

“I brought up the #metoo movement because it’s always a fun topic to debate,” said Soto. “Girls have such strong opinions on it — it’s cute when they get all riled up. It was a fun thought experiment, and her story was wild! Never heard anything like that before: it was like listening to a true crime podcast or something. But, yeah, I made a lot of good points she’ll probably be thinking about for a while.”

Soto’s date Eve Frye had a different perspective.

“I don’t know why he thought reminding me of my sexual assault would be fun when I just wanted to hook up,” said Frye. “But since he brought it up, I ripped myself open for Myles, detailing my rape and the aftermath… but he kept interrupting me to say ‘allegedly’ and, ‘Um actually, innocent until proven guilty.’”

“I thought maybe an emotional plea would help him see us sexual assault victims as humans,” Frye added. “Instead he kept comparing my failed attempts to report my rape to police to his pain of not being ‘allowed’ to watch Louis C.K.’s new special.”

When asked if they’d go on a second date, the couple gave mixed responses.

“I’d go out again,” said Frye. “He was at least paying attention to what I was saying; maybe opened his mind a little. He’s leagues above my last few dates — a magician who canvassed for Gary Johnson, and my next door neighbor who ghosted me.”

“Nah, I’m not interested,” Soto countered privately. “I mean, we had a fun little debate about her basic human rights, but she started openly weeping. Too emotional. Plus she said she’d be down to split the chips and queso, but was in the bathroom when we settled the tab. Lame.”

At press time, Soto was talking to a Jewish woman on Tinder and mentally preparing reasons why the Holocaust actually prevented an even worse global tradegy.

We Interviewed Your Dad to Figure out How to Fix Our Hot Water Heater and Open a Checking Account

Posted on December 30, 2019 by James Knapp

Despite our reputation for edginess and youthful rebellion, we here at The Hard Times admit that sometimes when there’s a problem to deal with there is really no substitute the aged wisdom acquired through genuine life experience. That’s why we recently sat down with your father to see if he can help us we a few issues we’ve been having around the office.

Hard Times: Thank you for sitting down with us, sir. We wanted to start by asking you if you have any idea what might be wrong with our hot water heater. It’s been making this weird clanking noise?

Your Dad: Check to see if it’s leaking at all. If not then it’s probably your element heating the sediment that’s collected in the tank.

And what should we do if that is the case?

Try draining your water heater to clean it out. That should fix the problem.

Thanks. Our next question is… wait, one second, we’re getting a text. Oh, man. Seriously.

Everything alright?

Yeah, it’s just our girlfriend. God, she always does this!

Does what?

Hassles us about how we spend all of our time working and never spend any time with her. What does she expect from us?

Seems like she just wants to be a bigger part of your life.

It’s not that we don’t want to be there for her. But sometimes it just feels like she doesn’t believe in us.

You know, son, a strong relationship is a lot like a hot water heater. It requires a commitment to regular attention and maintenance to keep it running smoothly. Sure, it’ll still break down occasionally, but if you’ve put in the time and effort and haven’t neglected your duties to care for it, well, the right one can last you your whole life.

(Soft sobbing) …it’s just so hard sometimes.

It may seem like a chore now, but if you get it done you’ll find that hot water a lot more rewarding in the future.

(Stifled sobbing) …thanks… thank you, Sir… follow up question, how do we open a checking account?

That’s really something you need to speak with your bank about. You said this was about my kid’s job?

Plan to Tell Boss to Fuck Off Tweaked to Thank You For the Opportunity

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Departing employee Bridget Hogan’s profanity laced email instructing her former bosses to go fuck themselves was downgraded to a polite thanking of her superiors for the sustained employment, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I’m not sure what happened, I had the email telling management to sit on a sandpaper glove and spin, and then at the last minute, this voice in my head told me not to burn bridges,” a disappointed Hogan reported. “What really makes this embarrassing is that I’ve told a ton of people what I’d wanted to say if I ever got the chance to leave this dumpster fire of an organization, and I feel like I’ve let them all down.”

Hogan’s co-workers expressed their sadness that her long promised plan to tell management what’s what ended up being a brown-nosing goodbye speech.

“Everyone here has their negative opinions of management, but Bridget especially thought they were a bunch of incompetent mouthbreathers,” noted office confidant Damita Harris. “We were sad to hear that she was leaving, but we figured if anyone had the balls to tell those shitheads how they felt, it would be Bridget. Then at the end of the day, HR sent out this mass email asking us to come to the conference room and there she was smiling and shaking hands with them and gave this goodbye speech about how much she’d learned and would miss everyone.”

“I had my phone out and ready to record her telling them to go fuck themselves, but I just ended up taking one pic of her eating a piece of cake. What a bummer,” she added.

While Hogan’s coworkers were dismayed by the changed plans, others close to her state that this was par for the course.

“I knew she’d wuss out at the last second, she can be such a chickenshit when push comes to shove,” stated longtime boyfriend, Kyle Ballard. “I love Bridget to death, I really do, but when she told me her plan to tell her bosses to eat it, I just said do whatever you feel you need to do. When she got home, she didn’t say anything and just sat down and I knew right then and there that she didn’t do it.”

At press time, Hogan’s intent to tell her mother to mind her own fucking business had been changed to ‘OK, I’ll think about it.”

Noble Paladin With Lovingly Written 8-Page Backstory Dies Twenty Minutes Into Adventure

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Joseph Stilwell

ST. PAUL, Minn. — First time Dungeons & Dragons player Craig Walcott was shocked when his Half-Elf Paladin, Sur Swenstance Silverheart III, Noble Son of Lord Swenstance Silverheart II, Bearer of the Silverheart Sword and Sworn Foe of Mordrok the Vampire King, died by falling into a simple pit of spikes only 20 feet from the dungeon’s entrance.

The gaming session had been underway for less than half an hour, a mere fraction of the time that Walcott had spent researching, writing, and editing a 4,000 word document detailing the defining moments of Swenstance’s ancestry, birth, childhood, youth, coming of age, ascension to Paladin, and bitter feud with Mordrok the Vampire King.

“I even crafted a detailed in-universe prophecy about Sur Swenstance becoming the mightiest warrior in all of Al’Katera in dactylic hexameter,” Walcott said. “I guess I can just throw it in the recycling bin now.”

The group’s Dungeon Master was sympathetic to the painstakingly cultivated character’s abrupt demise, but stood by her enforcing of Walcott’s unfortunate dice roll.

“Look, I don’t control the dice. A nat 1 is a nat 1, even on a Reflex Save,” said Tessa Magaña, the group’s DM. “But if we’re being honest, I wasn’t too stoked about working Mordrok into the campaign setting. I’m going for more of a Magitek Steampunk flavor and feudal vampire barons don’t really work with that. I do admire his commitment, however.”

Another player, Wes Blanchard, was less impressed with Walcott’s dedication to verisimilitude.

“It took 20 minutes to get to that spike pit was because Craig kept finding ways to work his backstory into conversation with every NPC Tessa threw at us,” Blanchard said. “And then after he died, he spent about an hour giving Sir Swenstance’s eulogy, followed a detailed account of the complex funeral rites of the Silverheart Nobility.”

Walcott spent the rest of the session sketching the beginnings of a backstory for Sargo Silverheart, Swenstance’s Bastard Brother and Shame of the Silverheart Family.

“We’ll have to push the next session by a week in order for me to really polish it,” he told the others. “Also figuring out why Sargo is in the same dungeon will probably add a few days to that. Oh! Maybe Sargo used to work for Mordrok the Vampire King!”

Photo via Flickr

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Monster Reduces City to Perfect Linear Path

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Giovanni Colantonio

CHICAGO — A hectic scene unfolded this morning after a giant reptilian monster ravaged the downtown Chicago area, completely leveling the city in such a way that merely a perfect linear pathway was all that was left for city goers to traverse.

The unidentified creature tore through several buildings, causing large piles of debris to drop on the street below. Due to the piles’ uniform chest-high height, several side streets were rendered inaccessible, forcing those who were fleeing the scene to forge ahead in one set direction en route to evacuation.

“I had no idea where to run to,” Chicago resident Lindsay Barnes told local reporters. “That is, until I noticed that the road had been been up-raised in a way that it perfectly connected with an overhead subway line, which now just happened to cross paths with the roof of a tilted court house. What luck!”

Other panicked civilians tried to run into nearby buildings for shelter, but they quickly found that almost every door was tightly jammed, except for one which had been perfectly blown off its hinges, briefly detouring everyone through an underground sewer section of the city.

After exiting the sewer, residents were startled when a sudden tremor caused a giant billboard to fall behind them, effectively blocking them from retreating back where they came from.

“Chicago was built to be an interconnected city, which residents could easily navigate,” explained Chicago Planning and Development commissioner Maurice D. Cox. “But we clearly failed to account for what would happen if all the cars on the street suddenly piled up, creating a series of unclimbable barriers that systematically herded everyone directly to the lakefront. That’s on us.”

The path eventually led fleeing locals to the monster itself, which had flattened a whole city block into a perfectly circular arena with no exit. Fortunately, residents banded together to kill the monster by using various rocket launchers scattered around the perimeter.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

God Confirms Adam’s Rib Was Removed so He Could Suck His Own Dick

Posted on December 29, 2019 by Louie Aronowitz

EDEN — God, the almighty, omnipresent being responsible for the creation of life itself, finally confirmed that he removed Adam’s rib primarily so Adam could suck his own dick.

“He just wouldn’t shut up about it,” the all-powerful one stated. “And even after I used said rib to create a whole other person, it didn’t matter — all he cared about was having extra range in his torso stretch. Literally, all day every day he just goes down on himself. Though, I suppose it’s considered paradise, so maybe this is what he was meant to do? I don’t know, I did it to myself once when I was a younger deity and it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. Your back hurts after, you see your reflection in a still pond and think ‘is this my life now?’ But this Adam guy loves it.”

Adam, after being separated from his phallus for a brief moment, mentioned not even noticing Eve for a while.

“So I was there, alone, whatever, just kinda thinking this place sucks, then God rolls up and is willing to remove one of my ribs, and one thing led to another, and here we are,” he admitted, while repositioning slightly to continue the auto-fellatio session. “If I wasn’t meant to do this then why was I given such a wet, juicy mouth in which to feast on my genitals? Also, Eve keeps trying to get me to eat some apple, but I’m like, back off, I eat one thing, and one thing only, all day every day.”

After years of speculation, fringe religious theologist Arthur Biggs admitted surprise at his seemingly insane postulation’s confirmation.

“I figured since Adam was missing a rib, he’d be able to lean over more, and, let’s be honest, if you could, you would, right?” Biggs commented, while sketching what he believed it looked like. “The story of Eden is about how reckless indulgence of desire led to sin and the eventual expulsion from the garden, and what do you think is a clearer example of such sin? Someone eating a random apple, or a dude going downtown on himself all day and never shutting up about it? Case closed!”

Satan, the lord of the underworld, believes God is being a prude and that every being should enjoy themselves orally.

“Down here we encourage that behavior, y’all are missing out… we even remove two more ribs so you can reach your butt too,” said the great deceiver. “Of course, down here you can’t help but use excessive teeth. Also, your teeth are made of molten lava and we force your grandparents to watch you do it… but hey, it’s hell!”

Pastor Officiating Wedding Clearly Fucked Bride at One Point

Posted on December 29, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

WHEATON, Ill. — The intimate detail given by Pastor Ryan Landry at the wedding of Lauren Frey and Michael Dent led wedding attendees to conclude that the minister had fucked the bride at some point, multiple sources confirmed.

“There was something about the whole sermon that felt really off. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time, but at the reception it just hit me like a truck,” stated Dent’s Uncle Steve. “All the metaphors he was using about the ‘flower of her innocence’ and her being a beacon of Christ’s love for us all were so on the nose, I can’t believe that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I suspect Mikey doesn’t know, I certainly wouldn’t want anyone going into detail about my bride’s snatch like that.”

Landry continued his commentary throughout the reception, making it clear to anyone who spoke with him that two had plowed, and that he was still desperately in love with her.

“Something about Lauren drew me to her when she first showed up to my youth program, I knew that she was quivering to be filled by the Holy Spirit and that it was my job to fill her,” stated Landry. “I was a bit concerned when she began courting Michael. I suspect he only came to Youth Group to meet girls and that his intentions with her were not pure. If Lauren is happy, that’s all that matters, but I wonder if he’ll be able to touch her soul in the manner that she has become accustomed too.”

Dent, for his part, seemed nonplussed that he had repeatedly been cuckolded by this man of God.

“I wanted today to be perfect for Lauren and I know how important Pastor Ryan is to her, so I felt like he had to be here,” stated the poor schmuck. “Lauren was always talking about how Pastor Ryan had awakened her, so I figured he could best articulate our love for each other. He really poured his soul out into that sermon, particularly the part about her opening her heart and spirit to him. The only part that threw me was when he kept talking about the Israelites eventually finding their way home while staring at her.”

At press time, Landry was spotted at the bridesmaid’s table offering to provide guidance to anyone who felt lost or depressed.

I Want to Try an Impossible Whopper but I’m Uncomfortable Supporting a Monarchy

Posted on December 29, 2019 by David Britton

The real barrier to eating vegan is the lack of fast food options. In our culture if you want a steaming bun of microwaved murder you can go to just about any street corner but if you’re on the go and looking to eat something that never had a face you’re shit out of luck.

I’m personally tired of dipping my fries in my frosty, no matter how anti-establishment it made me feel at first. Now along comes the Impossible Whopper (although if you ask me not eating an adorable cow should be super possible, but whatever). You’d think it’d be an absolute no-duh to munch down on one of these things, but there’s one little problem: The sandwich is brought to you by Burger King, and as I learned in my world government class last semester, a monarchy is pretty much the worst as far as systems of governments go.

I thought the United Sucks of America was pretty bad, but it’s nothing compared to a monarchy. For those of you too poor to afford a quality college education let me briefly explain what a monarchy is. Basically, it means rule by a king. One person making all the decisions is a bad thing. That’s how you end up marrying your sister and chopping off everyone’s’ head for basically no reason.

It boils down to this, nobody elected this guy to rule, which is how he gets away with stuff like calling undersized nuggets “chicken fries.” I mean, you know, eating chicken is a horrible crime, but so is ripping people off! As hungry as I might be, I’d rather suffer through cooking my own food than support that kind of oppression.

For those of you interested in joining the fight, me and some friends are going to protest by buying 100 of the Impossible Whoppers and then throwing them all into the harbor. From what I’ve read this really pisses off kings. This will be just like the time I got that health inspector to shut down Dairy Queen.

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