Amateur GG Allin Impersonator Can’t Go With Everyone Watching Him

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Amateur GG Allin impersonator, and introverted man that has no business being on any stage, Logan Ethridge insisted he was unable to “go #2” like his hero with everyone in the crowd watching him.

“He promised us that he was going to shit on stage just like GG. But after 30 minutes, it still didn’t happen,” said show attendee Vickie Wheeler. “Then when the big moment finally came he asked everyone to turn around so he ‘could B.M.’ He grunted for about ten minutes before then requesting we all hum ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’ because apparently that would help him get started. Eventually everyone just silently walked out of the venue because it was way too sad.”

Fellow attendee Jay Matulewicz pointed out that in addition to public defecation, Ethridge tried and failed to replicate other aspects of Allin’s live show.

“I think he was attempting to start a fistfight with the crowd at one point, but he slipped and sort of lightly tapped me on the shoulder. Then he tried to play it off like he was swatting away a mosquito,” said Matulewicz. “A little while after that he brought out a banana and we were all hoping he would shove it up his ass, but instead he just sat down and started eating it because his ‘blood sugar was low.’”

Ethridge admitted that while his recent show wasn’t great, he will be working out some of the kinks for future performances.

“I know what you’re saying. Why not impersonate a more realistic alt personality like David Byrne or like, any of the guys from Weezer?” Ethridge stated while proudly showing off some fake poo he bought at a joke shop during a recent trip to New York City. “But believe it or not, GG Allin speaks to me. Even if I have been known to pass out at the site of my own blood, and I’m incredibly bashful when it comes to saying dirty words, I got big plans for improving my act — I’m not washing my hair all week, and I got a big thing of ketchup to circumvent that blood thing, and it’s not even the organic kind or anything.”

At press time, Ethridge has also purchased a nude bodysuit and drawn a smaller than average penis on the crotch.

Character You Let Die in First Playthrough Seems Distant in New Game+

Posted on by Joshua Hudson

FORKED RIVER, N.J. — Local gamer Christopher Nguyen noticed the character he allowed to die in his first playthrough of Fire Emblem: Three Houses has been acting more distant during New Game+, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Raphael and I had grown exceptionally close through the course of my first playthrough. We had an A-rank relationship, and I was still giving him gifts I thought he would like, even after it would affect our friendship. But during the final battle, the only way I could make it out alive with the rest of my squadron was to sacrifice Raphael,” Nguyen said. “I just started a New Game+ and walked up to Raphael to apologize, but he just acted like he didn’t even know me.”

Although Raphael never explicitly acknowledged that Nguyen had coldly betrayed their deep, meaningful bond in order to achieve victory in the previous game, Nguyen claimed Raphael’s behavior was “passive aggressive.”

“I decided to run a different classroom this time, and when I asked Raphael to join it, he just said he wanted to get to know me better? It was like we hadn’t just spent 60 hours together. Is he doing this because he thinks the real me is a violent sociopath who can never be trusted again? I didn’t want to hurt you Raphael!” Christopher exclaimed to his screen, while holding back tears. “I let you down. I let us down. Oh god, what have I done?”

Christopher’s girlfriend, Melissa Prowse, was able to provide more information to reporters.  

“Could Chris have found a better way to handle that final battle? Yes,” Prowse said. “Do I have secondhand embarrassment after watching his performance against the enemy battalions? Yes. But do I love him any less for letting Raphael die? Oh, definitely.”

As of press time, media outlets have been unable to reach Raphael for comment.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk on Pawn Stars Offered $300 to Leave Store Without Causing a Scene

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LAS VEGAS — Local punk Andrew “RatFink” Haseley was recently offered a cool $300 by the hit History Channel show “Pawn Stars” under the condition that he immediately leave the store without causing any more trouble and never return, disgusted, gagging sources confirmed.

“So, I’m hanging around this strip mall parking lot, just loitering, when suddenly I blew chunks all over my GBH shirt. I looked down and one of the puke stains is the spitting image of Jesus Christ. Then, I noticed there’s a pawn shop nearby. I figured these yokels might give me a couple of bucks for a puke Jesus,” said Haseley. “But I didn’t realize they were filming a show at this place, and when I saw all the cameras, I thought I wandered into an episode of ‘To Catch a Predator’ or ‘Cops’ or something and nearly booked it the hell out of there.”

Haseley then cornered store owner and show host Rick Harrison and immediately shoved the vomit-stained shirt under his nose, repeatedly yelling “Puke Jesus, gimme something.”

“I should clarify that those vomit stains were not old and dry. We literally saw him throw up on himself in the store parking lot, look at the stain in amazement, and then run here with the sopping wet, highly pungent shirt demanding we trade him a $2,500 samurai sword for it,” said Harrison. “After some negotiating and much disruption, we gave him three hundred dollars to get the hell away from us just so we could continue filming the show.”

Producer Thomas Montgomery explained some of the difficulties of broadcasting a person as “colorful” as Haseley.

“With his puke-covered clothing, profane tattoos, and numerous, oozing open sores, there’s no way Haseley would have made it past our censors. We likely would have had to just blur his entire person to get the segment on air,” said Montgomery. “We did have him sign a waiver anyway per the show’s policy, but I’m pretty sure ‘RatFink Goldencock’ is not his legal name.”

Haseley later confirmed that “Pawn Stars” is not his first time on a TV show, having previously “aced” several paternity tests on the daytime talk show “Maury.”

Polyamorous Lifestyle Keeping Woman Open to Variety of Disappointing Sexual Experiences

Posted on by Sari Beliak

ATLANTA — Local woman Anna Valentina shared Monday that the most redeeming aspect of being polyamorous is having the freedom to stay open to a variety of disappointing sexual experiences, according to sources.

“Most of my friends are perfectly fine being in monogamous marriages and relationships, and that’s great if that works for them,” said Valentina. “But humans weren’t meant to settle down with just one shitty and inattentive partner their whole life. I think we’re meant to keep our hearts open to all kinds of narcissists, degenerates, and musicians who desperately need to go to therapy.”

“There are so many different kinds of people out there… why settle on just one to leave you physically and emotionally unfulfilled?” she continued.

Valentina reported that opening up her relationships has given her the freedom to engage in a variety of lukewarm and generally unsatisfying sexual encounters beyond the confines of monogamy.

“I used to think the only option out there was being with just one boring person, but it turns out that if you’re willing to put in the work, you can have all kinds of insufferable partners. It’s incredibly freeing to know you’re not tied down to just one mediocre human,” said Valentina. “It’s sad that society expects us to limit ourselves, when there is a whole world full of people who can bumble around your juicy bits and take their sweet time responding to your texts.”

Sources close to Valentina confirmed a steady increase in the number of partners failing to fill the void in her life.

“I think it’s great Anna found something that works for her,” said her roommate Allison Kelman. “The open relationship thing wasn’t right for me — I prefer to be with one partner who barely tolerates me and puts their bandmates’ needs first. But it’s reassuring to see that, despite her limitless options for sexual and romantic encounters, she still manages to be let down by all kinds of folks who struggle with basic communication skills and have the mental capacity of basset hound puppies.”

Valentina later added that any jealous feelings arising from her open relationships are quickly quelled upon realizing that her primary partner is also “probably engaging with other incompetent losers who can’t satisfy her and haven’t changed their sheets all year.”

“Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex Is World’s Sexiest Song, Because You Assholes Didn’t Take Our Poll Seriously

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

I hope you assholes are happy. 

Recently, The Hard Times asked our readers, who we honestly thought were more mature than this, to vote on the sexiest song of all time. We thought it’d be fun to interact with our fans and compile a list of the most passionate and lusty tunes imaginable. Instead, you pricks were like “hey, someone is trying to contribute something worthwhile to the world. Let’s take a steaming dump all over that idea and nominate some fucking ‘90s novelty dance song.”

Congratulations, shitbirds. Because you got your wish. The world’s sexiest song is “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex. You happy now? Doesn’t that just get your genitals all hard and/or wet?

We even tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. “Hey, if this is what they want, fine. We’ll write an article about how sexy ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ is.” But this is as far as we got:

“With it’s sultry banjo plucking and pulsing, thumping Swedish beats, ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ is the quintessential fuck tune for getting steamy- oh my God what am I writing?!”

At which point I became so enraged I punched our office intern. So just know that your horsing around on the Internet gave an innocent journalism major (from an art school, don’t worry) a black eye – all because you can’t be sincere just one goddamn time in your stupid, garbage, idiot lives. 

And it’s not even like we could simply cut “Cotton Eye Joe” and use the next song, because here are the other “world’s sexist songs” you dillholes nominated:

“Detachable Penis” by King Missile

“Suck My Ass It Smells” by GG Allin

“Proud to be An American” by Lee Greenwood

“Theme from Schindler’s List” by John Williams

“Sweet Georgia Brown” aka “Harlem Globtrotter’s Theme Song” by Ben Bernie and Maceo Pinkard

Thanks for nothing, you lousy bunch of cowards.

I just hope now that you’ve got this tomfoolery out of your system you can give some real answers next month when we ask who’s the punkest ninja turtle.

Smashed Guitar Had One Day Until Retirement

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ATHENS, Ga. — A Gibson Flying V with over 20 years of service in the punk scene was smashed just one day before it was due to retire, officials close to the matter confirmed

“The entire Gibson family is mourning the loss of one of our brothers today in a totally tragic and unnecessary incident,” announced Gibson Publicist, Kate Marino. “The Flying V had an impeccable record of service and had been through the grunge, pop-punk, nu-metal, and indie revival scenes, always working hard and ensuring that the community heard some wicked riffs. While losing one of our own is always difficult, the fact that this Flying V had nearly completed its tour of service when this happened makes this an even more bitter pill to swallow.”

The guitar in question belonged to Kevin Pollard, lead guitarist for an Atlanta-based punk group, The Asthmatics. While Pollard could not be reached for comment, his bandmates spoke on his behalf.

“Kevin ordered a new guitar with a bonus he got from work, so I guess that’s what prompted the smashing incident,” reported bassist Andy Miller. “He got a notification just before the show that the new one had arrived and I know he had always wanted to do something like that, so here we are. It wasn’t really in the best condition anymore and sounded like shit, but it still feels like it was excessive. He could have donated it or sold it to a thrift store. I’m sure someone else could have used it.”

Adding to the scope of the tragedy, was Pollard’s Marshall amp, which had been a longtime companion of the guitar.

“There are no words. To know that I have to wake up every morning and realize that the guitar I’ve spent the last five years with is no longer there is something I still can’t process,” stated the amp. “It was so excited about its upcoming retirement and said it looked forward to spending time sitting in the garage or being given to a younger relative that couldn’t really afford a new guitar. For it to end this way and now, it just deserved so much better than this.”

In response to the tragedy, Gibson has changed their Facebook photo to the guitar in question with a black ribbon over it.

Historians Now Believe Roman Empire Fell Because You Didn’t Build a Tower Right Here

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ROME — Archaeologists excavating in the outskirts of Rome made a startling discovery earlier this week that completely rewrites preconceived notions of what caused the collapse of the Roman Empire and it is all your fault for not building a tower right here.

“There isn’t just one reason why the Empire collapsed,” said Dr. Marco Esposito, the foremost authority on late Roman history. “But it all started because you did not build a tower right here in this spot. It was all downhill from there. We excavated exactly where a tower should be and, to our surprise, there was nothing there because you didn’t build it.”

Experts could not reach a consensus as to why the Romans didn’t build any defences before a hoard of pillagers attacked, or why they put that responsibility on you, but they were clear on the fact that the tower should have been built in that precise spot and the fallout rests squarely on your conscience.

“It is hard to really put a number on the body count on your head,” historian Sara De Luca said. “But you should be put at the top of the list of History’s Biggest Monsters. It was just one tower! How hard would it be to build a tower?”

Evidence shows that the army of Visigoths that attacked Rome were literally running from a single direction and in a single-file line. It would have taken the least amount of effort to protect the greatest Empire in history, and you dropped the ball.

“This wasn’t even a battle. It was a massacre. You have blood on your hands,” Esposito said. “There was even the literal hand of God pointing to this spot begging you to build a tower and you never did.”

Historians are also blaming you for not defending Candytopia from the evil Sour-Sultan.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Scientists Discover Theoretical Fourth Thing To Do With Hands During Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Behavioral scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced a breakthrough discovery of a theoretical fourth option for occupying a person’s hands during shows at a panel earlier this week.

“Back in my heyday I used to just cross my arms for the entirety of shows because I had no idea what to do with my hands,” said MIT scientist Jennifer Languard while exhibiting a slide show that illustrates the theoretical gesture that has yet to be seen by the naked eye. “We paid volunteers to take photos at shows and then ran thousands of computer simulations of mixed genre lineups to see if people from different backgrounds would act differently. After millions of data points our model showed an anomaly, and we think we may have finally found something.”

One volunteer was selected to become the physical test subject.

“They gave me a $25 Arby’s gift card and made me sign a waiver,” research participant Gary Krostyka said. “I just can’t believe they tried to do research on a chimpanzee first. Evidently, the chimp just straight up masturbated during two goth shows. Not exactly the kind of hand gesture they were looking for. To be honest, I was just so stoked to take part in helping to discover something more meaningful to do with my hands. Finally, I won’t have to hide my hands in my pockets during shows anymore like a total loser.”

Music historians have already begun to forecast the effects this discovery will have during live performances.

“This is absolutely going to revolutionize the audience experience,” live show documentarian Gerald van Colter said. “It’s also going to take a lot of pressure off bands who have to assign their audiences hand activities during shows. Few people know this, but being instructed to ‘wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care’ was actually started by musicians to help alleviate a crowd’s discomfort with their hands during live performances. This new breakthrough is really going to help both struggling audiences and bands alike.”

At press time, MIT scientists announced that they will begin research to develop the best way to look busy at a show while you wait for your friends to arrive.

Monogamous Man Proudly Respects One Woman at a Time

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

SEATTLE — Former ladies’ man Ethan Morrison ushered in a new, glorious era today in which he will show respect for exactly one woman, revealing his now-exclusive relationship status to friends and family, astonished sources confirmed.

“It is with a heavy heart that I lay to rest my days of indiscriminate fucking… but with immense pride and joy that I stand before you today a reformed man,” said the 28-year-old tech consultant. “A man in a loving, monogamous relationship with a woman who demands my respect if she is to have sex with me with any degree of consistency.”

“But I want to assure you: I will continue to ignore and dismiss any other woman that crosses my path, whether it be a work colleague, or even a boss,” he added. “Even if they are super hot, I’m simply not interested in them at all anymore.”

The announcement occurred at the behest of Morrison’s girlfriend Theresa O’Hara, and marks the first time in his life he has committed to a relationship enough to tell other people about it.

“All of his friends have been asking me how I managed to tie Ethan down,” said O’Hara as she casually leafed through an annotated copy of “The Art of Raising a Puppy” by The Monks of New Skete. “The answer is simple, really: I just had to make him see me as a complete, three-dimensional person with free agency, intelligence, and desires of my own. He can already tell other people that he’s in a committed relationship and knows that cheating is bad. I’m so proud of him.”

However, Morrison’s friends are puzzled at how he’s able to respect even one woman.

“Theresa must be great at sex to have him whipped like that. It just seems like so much effort to have to listen to a woman talk and like, hold the door open for them and shit,” said Morrison’s co-worker Franklin Grayson. “Because Ethan totally used to fuck. But ever since he met her, it’s like he’s totally forgotten about our #conquests Slack channel. And the worst part is, he’s making the rest of us look bad — do you have any idea how hard it is to get laid when your best friend has rebranded himself as a fucking bastion of feminism?”

By press time, Morrison had requested he and O’Hara enter a polyamorous relationship so he can try respecting multiple women at the same time.

We Celebrate the 25th Anniversary of Little Giants by Speculating Whose Life Has Been Destroyed by CTE

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Released in 1994, Little Giants is the classic underdog story of a misfit football team overcoming the odds to defeat their more talented opponents with determination and creativity. Fun! However, in 2019 we have a lot more knowledge on the causes or consequences of CTE.  Less fun!

So today, let’s speculate on which of these adorable little Rudy’s are most likely to end up murdering their entire family before hanging themselves!

Becky “The Ice Box” O’Shea: Becky is the personification of how girls can play sports with the boys. And even beat them! However, she likely went to college in the early 2000s and spent most of her time in a lengthy Title IX battle before landing a lucrative career as a Collegiate  Sports Litigator. Likelihood of CTE: 0/10.

Junior Floyd: Before there was Tom Brady, Devon Sawa’s Junior Floyd was America’s favorite pretty boy quarterback. CTE may not destroy him but let’s be honest he probably got cancelled before his sophomore season. Likelihood of CTE: 5/10

Spike Hammersmith: Assuming the weight of his football-obsessed father’s expectations didn’t drive him to alcoholism after he ends up being a draft bust, a life of playing football will leave him permanently damaged. Fortunately, he didn’t seem all that bright to begin with, so… silver lining? Likelihood of CTE: 8/10

Jake Berman: The wimpy kid with the over protective mom makes some big tackles and scores the winning touchdown. Though he took blows to the head throughout the movie, his helicopter mom likely pulled him out of football the second the credits rolled. Of course, he was pretty big on those helmet to helmet hits. Likelihood of CTE: 3.14/10

Rudy Zolteck: It’s been statistically proven that offensive linemen suffer from CTE at a higher rate than other positions so sorry kid, you’re screwed. On the plus side, it’s not like he’s quarterback or any other player we’d care about. Likelihood of CTE: 10/10

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