Dead Friend Invited to Show on Facebook Just in Case

Posted on by Francis Beringer

BALTIMORE — Self-proclaimed “scene king” Stephen Fernandez sent an event invite for an upcoming show to his recently deceased friend’s Facebook profile “just to be safe,” stunned sources confirmed.

“There’s a bunch of reasons I do this,” said the frontman of area death-doom band Ogre Bath. “First of all, just because Rob [Clement] is dead doesn’t mean ghosts or specters aren’t running his page or any of the other dead people’s pages I invited. Exposure is everything. I know Facebook employees look at all our messages so maybe one of them will see the flyer and be like ‘this looks fucking sick, no way I could miss this rager,’ or something. But RIP to Rob, by the way. Huge loss.”

Fernadez’s bandmate Alexandra Birch admitted she was uncomfortable with her frontman’s brand of promotion

“Yup, he’s still doing it. He sent out a bunch of reminder messages too, and the only people who haven’t left the conversations have passed away or are in the bands playing,” said Birch. “I know we only have six people confirmed to attend, and the release show for our new EP ‘Cryptic Bong’ is in three days, but he needs to stop. He says we’re desperate and keeps claiming that if any extra beings come out like disembodied spirits or zombie creatures that want to support the scene, it’ll have been worth it. I can’t believe I haven’t quit this band yet.”

Ann Clement, mother of the recently departed metalhead who has been subject of several invites, is upset by the barrage of promotional activity directed to her deceased son’s page, which she maintains as a place to share memories of her only child.

“Most people have the decency to message me about how much they miss Robert. But one disrespectful ass just keeps sending concert invites and messages about his band’s tape,” said Mrs. Clement. “Look, my son was into music that I don’t fully understand, but even I know he wouldn’t have been caught dead at an Ogre Bath show. And who owns a cassette player in 2019? I want to kill this kid.”

At press time, Fernandez was seen slipping a flyer into Clement’s casket during the wake, hoping it might get some more bodies out to the show.

Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller

Posted on by Chandler Dean

ASTORIA, N.Y. — Despite a litany of other explanations for his subpar performance across several local multiplayer games, local Xbox player Jonathan Haff has been making a whole performance out of adjusting to his friend’s PS4 controller.

“Oh riiiiight, I’m such an idiot — the X button is on the bottom,” said Haff between deep sighs and extended lip bubbles to no one in particular about why he was getting absolutely reamed. “Am I crazy for thinking the left joystick is like, oddly low? I don’t know man, it just doesn’t feel as natural. Like, objectively, it doesn’t fit right with the shape of my hands. Does that make sense?”

The other attendees that evening took notice of Haff’s frequent, audible protestations.

“We’ve been crushing him in Modern Warfare and he keeps insisting it’s because the DualShock 4 is ‘super different’ from the Xbox One controller,” said Misty Richardson, the host of the party who plays both consoles interchangeably. “I mean, it basically has the same shape and layout as most console controllers from this century, but go off! Seriously, ‘go off’ the controller Jonathan, you lost the last round.”

Haff, who also complained that he was thrown off because Richardson’s television display settings were “seriously oversaturated,” became particularly vocal about the superficial differences between the controllers immediately after losing a match or winning by a lower margin than he anticipated.

Upon getting killed for the third consecutive time in less than a minute, Haff exclaimed, “What? But I threw a grenade! Ah, I see — that’s actually the right trigger on my remapped Xbox Elite controller. What’s that button called on PS4 again? R2? So weird! Oh shit I died again.”

At press time, Haff had left the party and was seen struggling with his MetroCard, complaining that New York’s public transit system was “way less intuitive” than that of his hometown of San Francisco.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Entire Friendship Based on Remembering ‘Zombies Ate My Neighbors’

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TEMPE, Ariz. — Sources have confirmed that John Baker and Cassidy Goodrich still have not realized that their entire relationship was formed upon their shared memories of 1993’s cult classic video game Zombies Ate My Neighbors.

“That was the best fucking game, do you remember how fucking fun that game was?” Baker was overheard asking Goodrich recently, in one of their regular conversations about the title. “That game had such a good mix of gameplay, style, and humor. They should put it up on Switch or do a remake or something. I know I say that every week, but still, they should.” 

In addition to meeting up in various bars and restaurants around the city to discuss the beloved Lucasarts action/shooter title, the duo also share frequent texts about various aspects of the game they haven’t thought about in a while. 

“Omg dude, the giant fucking baby,” read a recent text message sent by Goodrich at two o’clock  in the morning. “I played for days trying to beat that thing. So cool. Gonna get some sleep now, text me abt ZAMN when u get up.” 

Though the friendship has endured strongly for the better part of a decade, Goodrich fears that life’s responsibilities will soon get in the way of his youthful passions. 

“Since I got married and had a kid, I’ve had a lot less time to just sit around and remember shit that I used to do,” said Goodrich. “I’m sure that makes me boring to a lot of people, but I don’t care. There’s more to life than sitting around thinking about video games you played a few decades ago. I’m a parent now, so I have to care about the dumb shit my child likes, not the dumb shit I used to like.” 

Most of this information came as a surprise to Baker. 

“Wait, my best friend has a kid?!” he asked upon being told of Goodrich’s remarks.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man’s Punk Phase Ends With Ceremonial Purchase of Duvet Cover From West Elm

Posted on by John Danek

CHICAGO — Legendary scene veteren Brent “Possum” Donello ended his punk phase with the ritual purchase of a queen-size Belgian Flax linen duvet cover from West Elm, devastated sources confirm.

“When I was younger, I just assumed I’d be punk my entire life,” admitted Donello, who has been upgrading his apartment’s furniture from discarded, potentially bug-infested sidewalk finds to more high-end pieces. “But recently, I started to see why someone might prefer a tasteful mid-century modern sofa over wrapping a Gibson Les Paul’s flight case in bubble wrap and lounging on that. But don’t get it twisted — I’ll still fuck you up and I’ll always resist power. This duvet cover will just help me sleep better and fight harder.”

West Elm cashier Karina Popp claimed that in her six years of working for the popular yuppie furniture store she has never had so surprising an encounter.

“When that dude approached the counter, I started to reach for my silent security alarm,” recounted Popp. “It was clear he recently abandoned his mohawk because his hair was all different lengths and shades of faded colors. He looked like he should have smelled like ass, and yet I detected a whiff of Chanel Platinum Egoiste coming from his direction.”

“I thought maybe he was going to be one of those punks who dump red paint on a faux fur display rug,” continued Popp. “But he just whispered that he wanted to buy the duvet cover with a look of clear shame. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me. I understand, this is a big step towards not living like a total piece of shit.”

Donello’s girlfriend Ashley Vincent is thrilled that he is edging closer towards a more mainstream existence.

“Do you know how embarrassing it was to tell my family that his band’s name is Buttsack?” asked Vincent. “Very. But I don’t have to worry about that any longer. Once his bandmates saw West Elm boxes in his trash, they kicked him out instantly without so much as a conversation.”

As of press time, Donello was most recently spotted entering a local Fidelity Investments branch to set up a Roth IRA while wearing Groucho Marx glasses.

Serial Killer Stoked to Find 20 Teeth in Jeans Pocket

Posted on by Heather Cook

FLEMINGTON, NJ. — Local sociopath and deranged serial killer Parker Greene enthusiastically pulled 20 teeth out of the front pocket of a pair of jeans yesterday that he hasn’t worn in months, uneasy bystanders report.

“It’s my lucky day,” said Greene while clutching the teeth to his heart. “I found this old pair of jeans in the back of my closet, and what do I find in the front pocket? Front teeth, molars, canines, wisdom teeth… some of them even still had a little blood on them. I think they’re from those campers I stalked and tortured back in September. I’m gonna treat myself to something cool with these!”

The entire town is sweating with concern over Greene’s good fortune — including Greene’s own father.

“I knew my boy was a little freak ever since he asked for rope, cyanide, and a gun for Christmas at age six,” said his dad, Jeremy Greene. “So, I’m not surprised by this whole teeth ordeal — disturbed, but not surprised. He keeps a jar of fingernails in his glove compartment, for fucks sake. I’ve heard him talking to himself about how he’s going to hide a body in the basement, but hey, that’s probably just locker room talk. Boys will be boys.”

Local police have yet to pin Greene for the grisly murders, although they did confirm that more deaths have been reported in recent weeks.

“We pulled two more bodies from the junkyard last night, and got a letter written in blood sent to the station saying, ‘My pocket full of teeth really brought a smile to my face,’ and it had one of the victims molars in the envelope,” said Detective Madeline Ayars. “We can’t be sure if this is the same person responsible for the severed ears left in the tampon dispenser at the library, but we’re working on it… and the library hopes to have new machines after their fundraiser next month.”

At press time, Greene had finally found the human skin mask he thought he had lost last year while trying to clean the corpses under his bed.

Paleontologists Find Evidence of Primal Rage Fighting Tournament

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

STONEHENGE — A paleontological excavation has discovered that the long speculated Primal Rage dinosaur fighting tournaments were in fact a part of history. 

“This is incredible, just incredible,” said paleontologist Edward Lancaster. “For years, my Theory of Primal Rage, about an organized series of dinosaur fights that saw Earth’s mightiest creatures participating in bloody two out of three battles, made me the laughingstock of the scientific community. But this changes everything! Now that we can agree on its existence, we can discuss why and how these dinosaurs would travel all over the world to engage in this intense combat, often for the amusement of a dozen or so humans that were standing around.”  

In addition to various fossils and footprints that painted the picture of a series of consensual duels, other evidence discovered bolsters the theories that the dinosaur fighting ring was highly organized and not merely battles for survival. 

“It’s all there, every bit of it,” said Lauren Lancaster, Edward’s wife. “For years, my husband was mocked and shamed for proposing a theory that put forth an alternative history, one of individual dinosaurs putting their dukes up and just fucking going at it. Today’s discoveries of gathered crowds and fireball craters prove once and for all that he was right about these events, that they were essentially Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, but with dinosaurs.”

When asked about the similarities between his theories and the 1994 fighting game Primal Rage, Lancaster warned that the two weren’t to be conflated. 

“Um, so I don’t know if you actually played the game or not,” he said. “But it was actually set in the post-apocalyptic future, as different beasts rose out of the earth’s crust in a fight for what was left of our planet. It’s not at all like what we’re talking about here.”

As of press time, Lancaster had put forth a new scientific theory that proposed the possibility that there was one ape mixed up with all of these dinosaurs for some reason.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

HELP: My Wife and I Started an Open Relationship and It Turns out She’s Significantly More Attractive Than I Am

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty good-looking guy. You wouldn’t hire me to model in GQ or anything, but I’ve heard a lot of positive reviews from that time the local paper photographed me walking past a pedestrian who’d been hit by a pickup. Unfortunately, as it turns out, my wife is a total smoke show.

I assumed my wife and I were on the same level, hotness-wise. After all, she did agree to marry me and has at times referred to me as “kinda cute.” But now she’s saying she mostly loved my personality, and now she’s having some serious doubts about even that – which is ridiculous because my personality has never changed, I’ve just gotten worse at hiding it the longer we’ve been together.

By contrast, I married her exclusively because of said smoke show-ness. The fact that she’s also genuinely kind, considerate, and hilarious were just sort of late-game add-ons for me.

Well, even lobster every day gets old after a while. I suggested an open relationship under false pretenses of my physical attractiveness and like an evil genius she reluctantly accepted my proposal to “make me happy.”

The first few days seemed fine. I got a couple matches on Tinder and I followed up on Facebook cold-messages I’d sent to few college freshman in my kid sister’s dorm a few months earlier. Clara was barely checking her phone (which isn’t unusual since she prefers to maintain face-to-face relationships and open communication), so I figured she wasn’t having much success. Unfortunately, it was because she only needs to step outside our apartment to get offered a modeling contract or invited on an exclusive date at CORE: Club.

So now, two months in, it’s to the point where I can barely sleep on the couch, what with all the moaning and screaming coming from the master bedroom all night long. I need to shut it down without having to admit even the college freshman refused to actually answer my sensual-but-witty Facebook messages. I’m having less sex now than I did when we were exclusive (which was actually pretty frequent and fulfilling now that I think about it).

Yesterday, she actually thanked me for suggesting we do this open relationship thing and that it’s the most empowered, confident, and happy she’s been since we started dating. I did not sign up for this!

Aging Punks Outside Venue Share Their Best New Ailments of 2019

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BISMARCK, N.D. — A group of local aging punks gathered outside of a show at The Railyard Tavern early yesterday evening, sharing what they believed to be the best new ailments that had fallen upon them this year.

“2019 has been a big year for wear and tear on my body that I was not at all prepared for or aware would even happen this early in life,” explained 36-year-old punk Annie Yong. “My upper back hurts 100% of the time no matter what, and my right shoulder just started doing this weird thing so I can’t really reach anything above my neck. I wasn’t even gonna go out tonight.”

“I didn’t think anything was gonna be able to top the root canal/ovarian cysts combo from the summer of 2018,” she added, “but my piece of shit body just keeps fucking me in new and creative ways. I can’t wait to see what it does in 2020.”

The comparison ultimately included which problems are currently keeping the geriatric punks from enjoying shows anymore, their favorite earplugs, and asking whether anyone in the circle has health insurance — pausing only to marvel over the one person who does.

“Well, between Tom [Sparks]’s plantar fasciitis and Chelsea [Markwardt]’s back issues, it’s honestly amazing that any of us showed up here at all. I know I almost didn’t come,” said formerly exiled scene member and recently sober 41-year-old Chaz Betts. “One thing’s for sure, though: we really do all need to get off our asses and get our eyes checked. I hear the new reading glasses they just got over at Blink Eyewear are fucking sick.”

Despite the countless new issues the exhausted crew have undergone this year, some among the group were criticized for not bothering to complain about anything new.

“Man, anytime someone brings up new injuries people should get checked out, that Chelsea girl talks about her fucking L5 vertebra like no one’s ever heard of it before,” said 39-year-old punk who’s been getting “killer migraines out of nowhere” for the last eight months, Brendan Cramer. “That shit popped out in like, 2016, bro — move the fuck on! There’s been like, a dozen other stupid problems that could have irritated her this year. What a poser. I can’t wait to go home.”

At press time, the group of aging punks were overheard audibly sighing for absolutely no reason at all.

Photo by Tom Peters.

Nation’s Little Cousins Launch Inquiry Into What Games You Got On Your Phone

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

SALT LAKE CITY — The collective little cousins of the United States announced a formal inquiry into what games you got on your phone, as families across the nation gathered together to celebrate the winter holiday season with feasts and gifts.

“While the move by these small, distant relatives may have been sudden, their investigation is not coming out of nowhere,” said family friend and cousin expert, your uncle Steve. “On the heels of a pre-lunch debate about the recent impeachment vote started by your dad with little regard for the comfort of everybody in the room, it was clear that many of the little cousins were becoming bored and annoyed by the grown-ups.”

“It was only a matter of time before they sought out the means to ignore all social boundaries and focus their attention on a few rounds of Fortnite on your smartphone.”

Despite best efforts to keep the contents of your phone hidden from the persistent cousins, analysts say they have no plans to cease investigations. 

“I saw you tweet about the Animal Crossing phone game,” said one cousin whose name you can’t remember but it might be Jacob. “I know you’ve got at least one game on your phone and I just wanna see what else there is because my mom took away my iPad after I got a C in English class.”

At press time, Jacob(?) was congregating with the rest of the cousins to tell them you relented as you quickly deleted every game on your phone and wiped your browser history.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Santa Starts GoFundMe After Sleigh Break-In While on Tour

Posted on by Ryan Lichten

SEATTLE — Beloved Christmas icon Santa Claus announced today that he is starting a GoFundMe campaign after his sleigh was broken into while on his annual Christmas tour.

“I was in the Stillwell house delivering a bit of magic and joy, and when I came back out, some trash bag loser ruined Christmas for all the boys and girls. The sleigh window was smashed and the rest of North America’s gifts were gone,” said Claus. “Anything my fans could spare to keep me on the road and finish this tour would mean a lot — the insurance money will only be enough to cover my travel costs back to the North Pole, but with your help, I can make sure every child has something under their tree.”

“And if I find the motherfucker who did this, you better believe I’m gonna gut him,” Santa added with a stern look.

The exact contents of the stolen sack are unknown, but the value is estimated in the billions.

“To be honest, I was surprised to hear that the dude even existed… let alone that his sleigh was broken into on my roof,” said homeowner Ronald Stillwell. “I was asleep and the children were snug nestled in their beds when it happened — it was so quiet, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. I know this tour means a lot to the kids out there; I know Santa is a road dog. It’s a shame this happened to him. He’s a solid dude.”

The only witnesses to the break-in were Santa’s team of loyal reindeer, strapped into their harnesses at the time.

“We heard the whole thing, but we couldn’t do anything because we’re strapped into this stupid fucking sleigh. I told him not to leave any toys in the back seat! We are completely fucked,” said Rudolph, lead reindeer and close friend of Santa. “If I could have just turned around, I would’ve lit that mothefucker up, I swear.”

Santa closed the request by encouraging all of his fans to leave extra cookies and milk out, because “anything helps.”

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