Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

TBS Switches Things Up and Plays ‘A Christmas Story’ Once at .065 Speed

Posted on December 25, 2019 by Jakob Biddle

ATLANTA — TBS has opted to air seminal holiday film A Christmas Story one time at .065 its normal running speed today, letting the movie play over 24 hours — a surprising alteration to their tradition of marathon showings of the 94 minute comedy in its traditional format.

“For years our network has prided itself in showing the 1983 classic A Christmas Story back to back for the entirety of Christmas day,” said TBS spokesperson Tristan Shropshire. “However, as times change, so do our demographics. People don’t want to just watch the same movie over and over again, when they can just watch the movie once. But we don’t have the programming to fill the time otherwise, so playing it once really, really slowly is the perfect compromise.”

“Plus, slowing the film down to .065 speed will help the older generations catch all the jokes and pick up on new details in their favorite holiday classic,” Shorpshire continued. “Focus groups have also shown that younger generations would be willing to watch this version of the film ironically.”

The decision has been met with overwhelming approval from fans of all ages.

“I always felt like the original version of the movie was way too fast in the first place,” said Kevin Hebert, who was pleased to find the movie slowed to a crawl when he arrived at his parent’s house for Christmas. “But honestly I’ve only seen it once a long time ago, and also I was on ketamine. So who’s to say? This was great, though. I dozed off on the couch for a while after dinner and when I woke up I’d only missed a few lines of dialogue. They should do this every year!”

There has been no official statement from TBS on whether they will continue experimenting with the speed of their programming. The SyFy Channel, however, has announced that it will spend New Year’s Day airing all 156 episodes of The Twilight Zone simultaneously.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Little Drummer Boy Asks Mary to Borrow House Kit

Posted on December 25, 2019 by V.F. Thompson

BETHLEHEM, Judea — Three magi arrived at a venue last night for the Christ child shortly after his birth, along with a young drummer who did not bother to bring equipment of his own and asked if he could borrow someone else’s kit, said the congregated shepherds.

“Yo, where should I set up?” asked the youth, arriving at the stable and looking around for a drum set the venue clearly lacked. “I brought my sticks and a snare, but I need to borrow everything else if that’s cool. It’s not like I was gonna lug all that stuff all the way across sand dunes and shit.”

“Plus, I’m not getting paid for this gig, and I’m pretty sure I met Mary last year at a show in Beit Safafa,” he added. “I need to make sure this kid ain’t mine.”

With no house kit available, the drummer allegedly pointed to some barrels and crates and asked if he could “just use those,” to which Mary agreed.

“Honestly, it just seems unprofessional,” said one of the wise men after the show. “I mean, this kid is supposed to be the Son of Man, King of Kings, Lamb of God, all that jazz — you think they’d be a little more prepared. We dragged gold and fancy resin across the desert, and they can’t even bother to have a proper setup? A venue that can afford a giant come-fuck-me star in the sky should at least have some cymbals and a bass. Hell, they didn’t even have their own PA.”

Though the mother of Christ stayed silent and dignified through the performance, as per her station, it was obvious that she was irritated, said one shepherd.

“She and her husband just kind of stood there awkwardly during his set,” he said. “The dude just let loose and wailed on those things, and it was like he’d never practiced in his life: it was just like, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum for like, four solid minutes. The whole thing was really pretty embarrassing. Sure, the kid smiled, but like, he’s a fucking baby. What does he know?”

At press time, the drummer, oblivious to the quality of his playing, was heard asking the Mother of Christ if she would like her next conception to be a little less virginal.

Opinion: Well Maybe If You Had Hobbies I Wouldn’t Have to Get You a Fucking Candle Each Year

Posted on December 25, 2019 by John Danek

Yep, that one! The cylinder with the red shiny wrapping paper. That’s yours — go ahead and open it, Mom. Hope you like it. Merry Christmas!

What do you mean, “another candle?” What the hell else could I possibly get? Seriously, Mom. Please name me one other thing you enjoy. And don’t say erotic novels because there’s no fucking chance in hell I’m buying you one of those. I can’t think of a single other interest of yours! You have every possible kitchen appliance. Every room in this house has “Live, Love, Laugh” paraphernalia. All the bathrooms are fully stocked to the tits with hand soap. Jesus Christ.

Oh and don’t worry it’s not scented candles, I know you “don’t enjoy smells.” Do you see how hard this is yet?

Mom, look. Telling everyone in town about how you’re not currently speaking to Aunt Darlene isn’t a hobby. Digging dirt on Dad’s new girlfriend is not a hobby. Asking me if I remember our former neighbor’s cousin and then telling me he might have cancer is not a hobby! But these have been your only pastimes for the past three years. And just so you know, Connie is a lovely lady, and she loves skiing. Much easier to shop for than you.

You have literally no hobbies. Not one. I wish you would just start doing something like crochet so I can get you yarn every year. Or what about doing crappy watercolor paintings? Bob Ross is on Netflix these days. But until then, it’s candles. And you’re going to like it. At this point, you’ve burned through so many candles that you should at least start making your own. Then you’d technically have a hobby.

Birdwatching. You could watch birds. It Counts. I could work with that.

Me? Oh, come on. You know I have hobbies- I’m the easiest one to shop for in this whole family. I’m getting closer to owning the entire POP! Vinyl collection. There are over 8,200 total dolls. MOM, STOP. This is not the time. I told you, I’m going to start dating once I finish my collection. Only about 8,140 dolls to go.

Everclear Frontman “Honestly Not Surprised” Dad a No-Show at Christmas Again

Posted on December 25, 2019 by Lauren Lavin

LOS ANGELES — Everclear frontman Art Alexakis was “honestly not surprised” his father made no appearance at the family Christmas gathering for the 52nd year in a row, a centered, emotionally healthy source reported.

“It’s sad, but that’s just the kind of guy my father is,” said the platinum-selling singer-songwriter. “He abandons me when I’m five, occasionally sends a birthday card with a $5 bill in it, and generally just doesn’t show up for family. Of course he’s not gonna show up to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus… who, by the way, also had some sizeable daddy issues.”

Alexakis, who went public with his MS diagnosis earlier this year, maintained that he’s too busy focusing on his health and family to worry about what the subject of his ’90s chart-topping song “Father of Mine” is up to these days, and indeed, “didn’t even invite the guy, come to think of it.”

“A lot of people struggle to figure out relationships with their abusive or toxic family members, and I just want to let those people know it’s okay to prioritize your needs,” explained Alexakis. “Maybe that means avoiding them on holidays; maybe it means writing a top-40 hit song about how shitty your parent was 22 years ago, and then that song continues to play in Applebee’s restaurants around the country as a deeply-felt and troubling warning to dads everywhere. The process is gonna look different for everyone.”

To that end, local pet sitter Billie Salerno was hired to dogsit for Alexakis whenever he’s busy to help “break the cycle” and so “no member of the household will be forced to feel the pain of abandonment, ever again.”

“It was hard for [Alexakis] when he noticed how much his dog missed him every time he left the house, and he didn’t want to put those same abandonment issues onto any other living creature,” said Salerno. “I think it’s sweet. Kinda weird that they named the dog ‘GetFuckedDad,’ but once I heard the song, I got it.”

At press time, reporters were still waiting in the parking lot where the senior Alexakis told them he’d be eight hours ago, although everyone’s calls strangely “keep going to voicemail.”

Santa Sneaks Bandcamp Link to His Lo-fi Indie EP Into Child’s Stocking

Posted on December 25, 2019 by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Holiday icon and present delivery mogul Santa Claus admitted this morning that he snuck Bandcamp links to his latest lo-fi EP, “Jingle Beats Vol. 4,” into the stockings of select children during his annual Christmas Eve present deliveries.

“I thought I’d change up this year and give a few kids the gift of great music — which coincidentally, also happened to be my music,” said Claus while booting up a free trial version of Ableton. “I made sure to only give the link to kids with good taste, though: I don’t want some toolbag bumping my songs. This EP is only for the real kids out there. If you didn’t get one, maybe you should chill on the ‘Baby Shark’ remixes.”

Claus received his first MIDI controller last year when a child who asked for it was moved to naughty list for arson a few days before Christmas. Claus has since produced and released lo-fi music as “Santa Clout.”

“He spends all of his time making that shitty music, and we can’t criticize him because he controls all of our food,” said Sprinkles, a member of Claus’s elf labor force. “We elves used to spend our days making toys and singing jolly songs together, but now we’re stuck in a studio with Santa’s crap music. If I have to help him sample another fucking quote from ‘The Simpsons,’ I’m going to ho-ho-hang myself.”

So far, the EP’s reception has been mostly negative.

“If I wanted a stocking full of garbage, I’d have hung my stocking on the lid of our trash can,” said Aaron Blanc, a six-year-old and frequent Pitchfork contributor. “Claus’s work on this EP is abysmal. Quite frankly, I’m offended that he’d give me this instead of the Hot Wheels I asked for.”

For his part, despite the disappointing feedback, Claus still plans to write music.

“Looks like I’m putting those tasteless little bastards on the naughty list,” said Claus. “You better tell Sprinkles that his little comment just earned him a week in the box.”

Merry PISSmas, Shitbird! It’s Time to Kick Ass and Spread Cheer, and I’m All Out of Cheer

Posted on December 25, 2019 by Kevin Flynn

Ho-ho-hail to the king, baby! It’s me, God’s gift to women, Duke Nukem, here to wish you season’s greetings…or at least, that was the plan, but I’m a little worse for wear from all of the revelling I’ve been doing lately. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the sleigh, or maybe Dancer and Vixen jingled my bells of steel a little too hard back at the club last night. Either way, it all amounts to a stocking full of tough shit for you, my friend, because it’s Pissmas, which means it’s time to kick ass and spread cheer…and I’m all out of cheer.

What’s the matter, maggot? Wondering what I’m doing here in your living room in the middle of the night? It was easy, like that old song that your mommy used to sing when you were just a sniveling little candy-cane-assed baby. Up on the rooftop, click-click-click…down the chimney comes THE DUKE, with enough 9-millimeter lumps of coal for any naughty boys and girls who’re feeling brave enough to cross me. Hell, I’ll even give some to the good boys and girls, too. I’m an equal opportunity asskicker, but you already knew that, didn’t you?

Rub your eyes a few more times if you want, pal, but I ain’t going anywhere. Your ass is grass and I’m here to mow it down. Don’t give me that innocent look. You used to put my games on your sorry little wishlist back in the good old days, but then the Duke’s chips were down for a couple of years and when I was finally back on top, you conveniently forgot all about me. You didn’t ask for Duke Nukem Forever for Christmas in 2011, you didn’t check up to see how I was doing in the past eight years since then….hell, you didn’t even leave out any cigars or whiskey for me tonight. And that puts you on my naughty list, dirtbag!

So here’s what’s gonna happen next. Jolly Old Saint Duke is gonna sit down in this nice comfy chair, and then you’re gonna go get some brown liquor out of the cupboard in the other room for me, sit on my lap, and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn’t deck the halls with your sorry ass. If you sway me, I’ll spare you. Hell, maybe I’ll take you to meet Dancer and Vixen and the rest of the babes. And if you even think about pulling out your phone and sneaking a call to the cops without me catching on, just try it. You of all people know better than to bet against Duke.

What’s that…are you crying? Suck it up, put a smile on, and go make my drink, motherfucker! This is the most wonderful goddamn time of the year!

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: All 172 Episodes of ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ Are a Christmas Movie

Posted on December 25, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

Another holiday season is upon us and with it comes the yearly internet argument about whether or not all 7,740 hours of the landmark science fiction epic Star Trek: Voyager constitute a Christmas movie. Well, I am here to settle the argument once and for all. It is a Christmas movie.

If Voyager isn’t a really long, episodic Christmas movie, then why do I take the two weeks before Christmas off from my job to watch all seven seasons? Do you really think I would sit on my sofa for days on end living off nothing but sugar cookies and spiked eggnog unless it were actually a Christmas movie? Please.

I mean, first of all, Q literally turns the titular Voyager into a Christmas ornament at the 1,800 minute mark (or what you might call the 18th episode of the second season if you still haven’t accepted that these episodes are all part of a big Christmas movie.) And, while we’re at it, let’s talk about Q for a second: He’s a cheerful omnipotent, omniscient man typically dressed in red that visits the crew roughly once a year. Sound like someone else you know? (Hint: It’s Santa Claus!)

If the plucky, optimistic Neelix who serves as the ship’s Morale Officer and Chief Ambassador as well as its cook isn’t the embodiment of one of Santa’s elves, then no one is. Chakotay is a clear George Bailey arcitype with his drive to explore but Voyager always pulling him back in. Tom Paris and Kevin McCallister are clearly cut from the same cloth. And B’Elanna is so much like the Grinch she might has well have green skin. The Doctor, a seemingly magical being brought to life with the help of a mobile holographic emitter, is honestly kinda like Frosty and his magic Top Hat. Why are we even arguing about any of this?

And what about Naomi, the Half-human, half-Ktarian daughter of Samantha Wildman who died on Voyager but lived on the duplicate copy of Voyager? Obviously a thin allusion to the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The reason for the season. (Besides watching the classic Christmas film known as Star Trek: Voyager).

So, have I proven my point? Can we finally put this silly argument to rest? I really do have to get back to watching — Seven Of Nine just joined the crew, a real Ebenezer Scrooge if there ever was one… or maybe she’s more of a Snow Miser… no, wait, maybe she’s Doris Walker from Miracle on 34th Street!

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Sat Down With Santa to Get Some Tips About Successfully Breaking and Entering

Posted on December 24, 2019 by Anna Walsh

This holiday season, we here at The Hard Times wanted to offer our audience something nice. With all those expensive goods wrapped up and sitting there for the taking Christmas time is basically Christmas for thieves. But how do you pull off a holiday score without getting caught? We went to the big man himself, Santa Clause, to find out. Even though Mr. Claus is in the midst of his busiest season, he was glad to give some fellow degenerates a few tips on his greatest skill, breaking and entering into homes without getting pinched.

Hard Times: So Mr. Claus, you’re famous for getting into every home in the world in about a day. How do you do it?

Santa: I’m the Michael Jordan–whose house I’ve broken into, by the way–of B&Es. There are several things you need to get as good as I am at this. You mind if I do a J?

By all means.

First, you need to create a diversion. That’s what the reindeer are for. Those dumb little ice pests have hooves made of lead, and you wouldn’t believe how stupid most people are. They actually go outside to check their roof, leaving me the perfect opportunity to slide right down the chimney.

That makes a lot of sense, I’m taking notes. what else?

Well it doesn’t hurt to have an alias. I go by many names. Kris Kringle, St. Nick, Dean Moriarty… I don’t even think my old lady Mrs. Claus knows my real name. Come to think of it, I may have forgotten myself.

Have you ever been busted?

Sure I got pinched once. Almost did a nickel in Rikers for it but my lawyer got it down to six months. I didn’t snitch on nobody though. Jack Frost still thinks I’m the one who ratted his ass out, don’t believe that shit.

And how do you avoid police now?

Easy, I just use the Santa thing. It’s all about reputation. I say some shit about the “magic of Christmas” and just drop all the stuff I had picked up as if they’re gifts that I brought. That’s my thing though don’t steal that. Build your own mythology.

But you do have “helpers.”

You see some fat ass red coat at a shopping mall that motherfucker is either kicking up to me or about to get cut.

Thanks so much for letting us hear this great advice. Is there anything else you want our readers to know?

Yeah most people leave me milk and cookies which I don’t care for. Stop fucking doing that. Usually I dump them in the garbage and grab as many beers as I can fit in my bag out of the fridge. So I guess like, buy more beer on Christmas Eve.

Well I will for sure. Merry Christmas Santa!

Give me your fucking shoes.

Animal Rescue Workers Save Eight Reindeer from Deranged Arctic Hoarder

Posted on December 24, 2019 by James Knapp

NORTH POLE — Members of the organization Stop Treating Animals Badly [STAB] rescued eight reindeer yesterday that were allegedly being exploited by a reclusive hoarder in a frozen, secluded wasteland.

“As best we can figure, the accused used the reindeer as a free labor source in a private manufacturing and delivery enterprise,” said STAB leader Maxwell Hentosh. “They were only allowed out one day a year, forced to travel grueling distances in freezing conditions, and then completely isolated for the rest of the year. I tell you, it’s just sick the way some people treat animals.”

The hoarder, identified only as Kris K., had no remorse for his actions.

“Ho, ho, ho! What’s the big deal?” Mr. K. bellowed to law enforcement officials while taken into custody. “I bring joy to millions around the world — doesn’t that count for anything? Those deer are a big part of my whole image; you can’t just take them away from me! How else am I supposed to fly this fucking sleigh, you prick bastards? Looks like all you fuckheads are on the naughty list this year.”

For their part, the rescued reindeer were relieved to finally be free.

“Thank God that nightmare is over!” said Dancer. “This whole ordeal has really put things into perspective for me — now that I’m free, I’m finally going to go back to pursuing my real dream: performing jazz-tap professionally.”

However, fellow reindeer Blitzen reflected on his their cumulative losses.

“It’s just a shame about poor Rudolph; the little fella just couldn’t hold on any longer. I think the big man treated him worst of all, what with working him too hard and not letting him join in any of our reindeer games,” said Blitzen. “I still remember the day when his nose exploded — it will always haunt me. Rest easy, sweet prince.”

After the animal rescue raid, OSHA representatives were called in to address safety concerns surrounding Mr. K’s workforce of non-union little people.

Opinion: If No One Else Will, Fine, I’ll Be the Racist Uncle

Posted on December 24, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

Before we start eating, I’d just like to say what we’re all thinking. This is our first Christmas without Uncle Randy. Obviously, we all dearly miss him. The holiday just won’t be the same without his charming smile, his delicious candied yams, and his repugnant rants about ethnic and racial minorities “poisoning our white Christian nation.” God rest his racist, hate-filled, twice-divorced soul.

However, holidays are about tradition. So with Uncle Randy gone, someone needs to take up the mantle of racist uncle. It just wouldn’t be the same otherwise. And thanks to the god damn Detroit Lions who can’t cover a spread if they were a knife, that person this year is me. Fine, I guess I’ll just be the racist uncle this year.

While I may not believe the revolting things I’m about to say, we need to keep the tradition of having a racist, piece of shit uncle that ruins every holiday dinner alive. So without further adieu, get ready for a whole heck of a lot of racism, folks.

Hey, cousin Jeff. Couldn’t help but notice that your girlfriend is not white. Boy, I would prefer she not be here. Maybe she could, you know, go back to her own country. Quit trying to pollute our pure white bloodline, ya goofball.

Look, I’m doing the best that I can. I only had 30 minutes to prepare and for as racist as the Internet is, there’s no “Racism for Dummies” on Kindle. Ordering it off Amazon would take too long even with same day shipping.

Jiminy Christmas this is so much harder than I thought it would be!

How about Jews, right? Enough with those guys. Learn to… drive, I suppose. And hey, Puerto Ricans. Why are you so bad about responding to texts. Especially when I send really funny memes. Actually that might just be my coworker Yadier.

Jamaicans love bobsledding? Is that one?

Uhhh… uhhh… Norwegians? We all know they smell, right? That seems like a thing. Smell like….whale blubber? Actually Iceland has a more robust whaling industry. Well then they probably smell. Send ‘em back, I say.

Ok, that should satisfy our racism quota for this holiday. Nan, please start the prayer so dad can serve the food. You’re welcome. Now next year, can I please take the role of fuck-up cousin Kara and show up stoned out of my mind?

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News