Yep, that one! The cylinder with the red shiny wrapping paper. That’s yours — go ahead and open it, Mom. Hope you like it. Merry Christmas!
What do you mean, “another candle?” What the hell else could I possibly get? Seriously, Mom. Please name me one other thing you enjoy. And don’t say erotic novels because there’s no fucking chance in hell I’m buying you one of those. I can’t think of a single other interest of yours! You have every possible kitchen appliance. Every room in this house has “Live, Love, Laugh” paraphernalia. All the bathrooms are fully stocked to the tits with hand soap. Jesus Christ.
Oh and don’t worry it’s not scented candles, I know you “don’t enjoy smells.” Do you see how hard this is yet?
Mom, look. Telling everyone in town about how you’re not currently speaking to Aunt Darlene isn’t a hobby. Digging dirt on Dad’s new girlfriend is not a hobby. Asking me if I remember our former neighbor’s cousin and then telling me he might have cancer is not a hobby! But these have been your only pastimes for the past three years. And just so you know, Connie is a lovely lady, and she loves skiing. Much easier to shop for than you.
You have literally no hobbies. Not one. I wish you would just start doing something like crochet so I can get you yarn every year. Or what about doing crappy watercolor paintings? Bob Ross is on Netflix these days. But until then, it’s candles. And you’re going to like it. At this point, you’ve burned through so many candles that you should at least start making your own. Then you’d technically have a hobby.
Birdwatching. You could watch birds. It Counts. I could work with that.
Me? Oh, come on. You know I have hobbies- I’m the easiest one to shop for in this whole family. I’m getting closer to owning the entire POP! Vinyl collection. There are over 8,200 total dolls. MOM, STOP. This is not the time. I told you, I’m going to start dating once I finish my collection. Only about 8,140 dolls to go.