Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Names Baby After Typo Made in Group Chat

Posted on December 24, 2019 by Owen Crowlie

CLOVIS, N.M. — In recognition of a typo made by a friend in a group chat, Kenny Boskins has named his firstborn son Sellular Dada Boskins.

When asked about his thought process leading up to dedicating the name to a birth certificate, Boskins said, “My biggest worry was, ‘is it too feminine?’ But as I was holding my son against me, and seeing that spark of human potential in his bright eyes, I knew he could pull it off. I knew David would take it well, too. He’s cool about stuff like that.”

According to those familiar with the situation, David Sheen made the fateful typo between connecting flights, informing his friends in the group chat that “while I’m flying, i’m not going to have any sellular dada [sic]. Ttyl guys!”

Subsequently, the phrase “sellular dada” was repeated by every member of the chat, the name of the group chat was changed, mock t-shirts were generated, and it finally inspired the name of a human being.

“Kenny sent us a picture of the birth certificate,” said another member of the group chat, who asked to remain anonymous. “It was kinda funny, in a throwback way? I dunno, selluar dada was three months ago, and we’ve kinda moved on.”

Boskins allegedly considered labor induction in order to push the birth earlier and land the joke better, but the idea was ultimately shut down by his wife and several physicians.

“I had a cousin induce labor so she could drink on Thanksgiving,” Kenny rationalized. “I thought it was a pretty normal request.”

Since Sellular’s birth, Sheen has withdrawn from the group chat. However, Boskins reportedly continues to invite him back in, as well as send texts about the newborn.

“I get that Kenny’s just trying to be funny, but I don’t think he’s thought it through?” said Sheen, regarding the human being named after a slip of his thumb in a text message. “Every time I see that kid, I think about how he’ll have to explain that name for the rest of his life. And I keep thinking: am I responsible for that? Did a text I sent doom this kid?”

With the reveal behind him, and seeing the reactions of his friends, Boskins is steadfast that the decision to name his child after a typo ‘owns.’

“It’s a classic, for sure,” Boskins said. “David is never going to live it down. Every time someone hears my son’s name, David will look like such an idiot.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Cop Looking Forward to Arresting High School Colleagues Home for Holidays

Posted on December 24, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

WHITMAN, Mass. — Small town police officer Patrick O’Brien is looking forward to reuniting with old friends and classmates while they’re in the back seat of his patrol car during their holiday vacation, sources close to the spiteful prick confirmed.

“This is my favorite time of year. I always look forward to when the crew gets together so I can roll in, arrest them for being drunk and disorderly, then plant some drugs on them so they need to come back for a court date,” said Officer O’Brien. “I plan on going down to some of the old haunts like Venus II or Bikebarn just to watch everyone scatter as soon as I roll in. The best part is seeing everyone’s parents when they come and bail them out of the station so I can tell them to their faces that they raised shitty kids.”

Allen Whitmore, one of the many people O’Brien has arrested in years past, is not excited about the prospect of seeing his old classmate.

“I love getting to spend time with my parents because they go nuts for Christmas, but each year I end up in the drunk tank even though I don’t even drink because O’Brien has it out for me,” said Whitmore. “No matter where I go he always seems to be there with that stupid ‘it looks like I just smelled something gross’ grin he always has. He’s always been a piece of shit ever since he was a hall monitor in high school. I hope my parents sell that house and move to Florida or something so I don’t have to worry about this bullshit anymore.”

Officer O’Brien’s father, Chief of police Andrew O’Brien, says he is proud of his son, and his commitment to law and order.

“Without my son on the beat there would be dozens of out of town visitors parading around our streets blabbing about how much different things look and how great it is living in California,” said Chief O’Brien. “Last year he arrested a third of the 2007 Whitman-Hanson graduating class, and this year we’re hoping to double that. We also plan to impound any cars driven by visiting children just to make things harder for everyone. It’s definitely my favorite time of year.”

As of press time Officer O’Brien was catching up with an ex-girlfriend while writing her a ticket for only stopping at a stop sign for two seconds.

Olympic Committee to Include 200m Naruto Run at 2020 Games

Posted on December 24, 2019 by Bailey Hull

LAUSANNE, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee announced this morning that the Executive Board had officially approved the 200m Naruto run, a surprise addition to the slate of sports at the 2020 Tokyo Olympic Games.

“Naruto running is an ancient and noble craft, dating back to 1997,” said IOC President Thomas Bach. “It’s only right that this fine sport is brought from the halls of middle schools to the international stage in its founding nation of Japan.”

Countries slated to compete in the Games have begun searching through their domestic anime clubs for competitors. Colin McGinnis, a freshman at Wichita Heights High School in Kansas, has been scouted for the U.S. national team.

“I was recruited for this because of my elite ninja skills,” said McGinnis. “I don’t care if I win or lose. All I care about is having my friends beside me, since those who abandon their friends are worse than scum.”

Competitors will not only be judged on raw speed, but on balance as well as form. Each runner must keep their arms completely flat, while the torso must be slightly bent. Failure to do so while looking as cool as Sasuke will result in a deduction of points by the judges, who are being selected based on how long they have been subscribed to Crunchyroll.

Disqualification may occur if a referee suspects the contestant of using performance-enhancing measures, such as performing a ninjutsu, or being possessed by the spirit of a Nine-Tailed Fox.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Cooking Mama Walkthrough Starts with Essay on Writer’s Year Abroad in Naples

Posted on December 23, 2019 by Ben Collins

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — An online tutorial for a Cooking Mama: Cook Off level players often find themselves stuck on begins with a seemingly unrelated long description of the author’s escapades abroad.

“It was there in the embrace of the glowing sun of North Italy that I first began to feel whole,” states the tutorial of the Fettuccini dish found in Cooking Mama: Cook Off posted to the GameFAQS website. “You can never really find yourself when you’re looking in the same places you always check. I learned to laugh in the market between my classes, and to cry when I had a screaming match with my sister a whole ocean away over Skype. Most importantly, I learned to love in the arms of a swarthy thirty-eight year old named Angelo.”

“I don’t believe I was changed by that year in Naples, I think the real me simply shed her cocoon. As they say in Naples, ‘Non parli molto bene l’italiano!’”

According to one user, Michelle Waters, she had to scroll past several paragraphs before finding the information she needed to help her get through the particularly challenging level.

“Ugh, why does every single one of these have to start with some bullshit?” asked Waters. “The other day I was just trying to research when more Overcooked 2 DLC was coming out and every single article I found was about finding time to make dinner on the go or how to get your kids to eat healthy or something. Why would I give a fuck about any of that?”

When notified of the reception to the walkthrough, author Denise Durns defended the piece.

“Look, anyone can play a game, but that doesn’t make you a gamer,” said Durns, who posts on the website under the moniker EatPlayLove. “This isn’t just a walkthrough, this is my heart and soul poured out into a screen. What I learned that year with Angelo is essential in understanding the techniques needed to do this dish justice.”

Waters did answer questions regarding why she’d sought out a walkthrough for a level that was mostly moving the Wiimote in one of three ways.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Depressed Audience Unwilling to Give it Up for Themselves

Posted on December 23, 2019 by Kevin Hufe

ELKTON, Md. — The audience at Saturday night’s The Foothold Precinct show proved to be physically unable and unwilling to give it up for themselves when prompted by the pop-punk headliner, despondent sources confirmed.

“Honestly, what’s the point of clapping? They’re lucky I was even able to drag myself out here tonight. This is the first time I’ve gone out in public other than going to work, and I guess I just don’t want to be anyone’s monkey. I didn’t realize that was a crime,” said sweatpants clad audience member Tyler Helix. “Also, I think my ex is here — I’ve been scrolling her feed all week and saw she posted some stories about coming out tonight. I really don’t want to see her, especially if she’s with Nathan. This is a dumb waste of time.”

Helix wasn’t the only self-loathing onlooker at the show, an event he described as “actually really good even though that whole thing was really weird.”

“I mean, they had a really cool sound, don’t get me wrong,” said Cassandra Cowherd while sitting on a couch in the back of the venue eating a pint of ice cream. “But it was just so loud. The lights were annoying, the people in front of me were too tall… I’m ready to be home under my covers. I just hope nobody tries to talk to me on my way out.”

For their part, The Foothold Precinct continued on with their set despite the ambivalent reaction.

“Yeah… that was weird. I’ve been to funerals with a better vibe than this. Normally people just like making some noise, but not this crowd. Usually that’s the easiest way to get the audience to engage in the show: even if you don’t like us, you should at least like yourself,” said guitarist Kyle Jarrs. “It threw me off so much, the rest of the show, my mind was racing trying to explain it. Eventually I told the guys we shouldn’t play tonight and that nobody in this city ever likes us.”

The band ultimately decided to scrap their cover of “Adam’s Song” for the next show.

Son Would Tell Dad He Loves Him but Doesn’t Want to Sound Gay or Anything

Posted on December 23, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Local 14-year-old Colton Blewitt resisted the urge to tell his father he loved him today, fearing the declaration might be perceived as a homosexual advance, the young man privately confirmed.

“Like, um… I don’t know. It’s just, like… I do love him, but I can’t tell him that. It would be super weird,” said the high school sophomore. “If I said that to him, what’s next? Having him openly support my creative projects, or just knowing how to name the things I’m feeling? No thanks. I’m just going to push all my emotions down into my stomach and hope for the best.”

Colton’s father Charles Blewitt is similarly reserved with his affection.

“I used to say ‘I love you’ to the boy all the time, but that was all before he was two years old. Once he could walk, I taught him about stuff we couldn’t talk about — like how to gut a fish, and which sports teams to root for,” said a stone-faced Mr. Blewitt. “Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I said ‘I love you’ to anyone but our dog Sadie. That’s a good canine, right there. Throwing sticks with her really helped me not deal with the loss of my own pops.”

Leading child psychologist Dr. Sam Carey insisted, however, that this is not the way a family should operate.

“Jesus fucking Christ, it is 2019. Loving your father doesn’t make you ‘gay,’ and telling your kid you love him doesn’t ‘turn’ him gay. Honestly, I was hoping we might finally be close to a future where young men didn’t express themselves by being complete assholes to everyone around them. Do we need to make pamphlets about this?” said Dr. Carey. “Clearly, the toxic cycle of men being afraid of their emotions is alive and well. Maybe these two need to go on a camping trip where they realize sitting silently by a fire is more painful than actually talking to each other.”

At press time, the younger Blewitt was disposing of a handwritten letter telling his father how much he appreciates him, instead opting for a simple “For Dad” post-it on his gift of another mini-screwdriver set for the fifth Father’s Day in a row.

Songwriting Was My Only Grief Outlet After We Lost Grandma in That Reindeer Accident

Posted on December 23, 2019 by Shea Strauss

You may say there’s no such thing as Santa, but me and my Grandpa, we believe. We know all to well that jolly old son of a bitch is out there and if you get in his way for just one second, God help you.

As an artist, I use my music as an outlet to process and express my emotions during the darkest times in my life. When my grandmother was tragically taken from us, I turned to song to express my grief when she was brutally stampeded by that God damn reindeer.

December 25, 1978, Grandpa and I found Grandma’s trampled corpse, a hoof print clearly imprinted onto her forehead and her torso covered in what the coroner would describe as “incriminating Claus marks.” It was an incredibly harrowing sight, forever scarred into my mind.

December 26, 1978, I went hunting. It felt only right—an eye for an eye, a life for a life. But no matter how many reindeer I killed, I only grieved more for the matriarch I had lost.

That night I put down my gun and picked up my pen. It was time to share my pain the only way I knew how: through the power of song.

As soon as pen touched paper the words just flowed through me. You can call me a vessel of soul like it says on my Instagram bio but I like to think Grandma was looking down on me and channeling the very word of the Lord. I wrote the song in ten minutes. I mostly just described what happened, taking some creative liberties to protect our family. And to make stuff rhyme and shit.

I never imagined that my greatest artistic accomplishment would come at the expense of my beloved Gam-Gam, but life is funny that way. The song isn’t. But life is.

After many years of therapy, which I can afford thanks to royalties from my mega hit, the image of Grandma’s mutilated body haunts my dreams less. Ironically, the one thing I can’t get out of my head is my own song. Being a lyrical visionary is a blessing and a curse.

Now every year on Christmas, my family gathers around the piano and we all sing along to Grandma’s song. Nowadays I’m singing it with grandchildren of my own. Although they’ll never have the pleasure of knowing her, their great grandmother’s memory lives on through the tune. I can only hope that when I pass away, one of my grandchildren will write a novelty holiday song about my horrific, untimely death as well.

With ‘Knives Out,’ Rian Johnson Finally Bounces Back From Critically Acclaimed, Billion Dollar ‘The Last Jedi’

Posted on December 23, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — With murder mystery Knives Out, Rian Johnson appears to have finally rebounded from making the highest grossing movie of 2017, Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi.

“I’m so glad to be back in the good graces of film fans,” said Johnson after finding out that his latest movie had been nominated for Best Picture at the Golden Globe awards. “I upset a lot of people last time I made a movie, and even though it has a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, I wish I could’ve given these passionate fans a movie they liked to dwell on for two entire years. Should’ve had some ewoks or a pod race or something, I guess.”

Self described Star Wars superfan Wayne McCall voiced his displeasure at the apparent redemption of Johnson.

“As a guy that holds these toy commercials near and dear to what I consider a personality, there is no excuse for what Johnson has done to this series,” he said. “When they announced that he was making part eight, I was afraid he would screw it up. Then that fear turned into anger at what he had done. And that anger has led to hatred. I hope he sufferrrrrrrrrrrrs.”

Johnson has said in several interviews that he is relieved to finally be able to put the 1.3 billion dollar grossing misstep behind him.

“A lot of people said that The Last Jedi was so bad I’d never work in this town again,” he said. “So you can imagine my surprise when I was able to write and direct a 40 million dollar film just two years later. I’m so grateful my career was able to recover from making what many have called the most challenging film in a series not known for taking risks.”

Johnson additionally insisted that there was no ill will towards JJ Abrams, who was brought in to direct the follow up to The Last Jedi.

“No hard feelings, I wish JJ nothing but the best,” he said. “Hopefully he takes care of those incredible fans and they don’t have to chase him off of social media!”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

33-Year-Old Bummed After Remembering He’s 37

Posted on December 23, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

SALT LAKE CITY — Local 33-year-old Tom Marshman was sorely dissapointed today to learn he is actually “37 fucking years old” after glancing at his drivers license for the first time in four years, sources close to the old man confirmed.

“Let’s be honest: ages 33 through 37 don’t have a feeling, aside from malaise, I guess? I mean, they’re not exactly milestone years… unless you count not being able to drink like you used to and getting your first gray pube as milestones,” said Marshman. “And taking stock now, it’s easy to see why my adulthood was such a blur — I was drunk from 18 through 29, so those years I hardly remember. Then factor in the four years I straight up forgot, and for all intents and purposes, I’ve only been an adult for three years.”

Marshman’s regular bartender, 29-year-old Erica Parks, noted on several occasions how “out of touch” the 37-year-old seemed despite claiming to be 33.

“I realized he was lying about his age one evening when we got on the subject of our favorite TV shows from childhood,” said Parks. “He kept talking about ‘TGIF’ and these weird shows we’d never heard of, like ‘Step by Step’ and ‘A Different World.’ When we asked him if he ever watched ‘Angry Beavers,’ he got real crotchety and went all ‘back in my day’ or whatever. When he tried to explain the difference between MTV and VH1, I tuned him out and focused on my work.”

Tom’s mother Melissa Marshman is helping her son with his existential crisis.

“It’s a part of getting older, unfortunately. But I find that the best way to deal with it is to slow down every once in awhile, and really delude yourself into thinking you’re younger than you are and will never die,” she explained. “Some people find it weird that a 39-year-old woman like myself could have a son as old as he is, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

Marshman later insisted that, despite his rapidly advancing middle age, he will be getting back in touch with youth culture by downloading TikTok and figuring out who “this Billy Ellish guy” is.

Con Attendee Regretting Death Stranding Cosplay

Posted on December 22, 2019 by Kevin Flynn

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — With a visibly pained expression on his face and his body seemingly on the verge of collapse, local con attendee Derek Christensen expressed regret over his unfortunate decision to cosplay as Death Stranding protagonist Sam Porter Bridges, sources confirmed.

“Getting through security with all of these giant metal briefcases alone took about an hour and 45 minutes,” said Christensen, dripping with sweat as he attempted to navigate the crowds while enduring the weight of the highly stacked cargo that Sam Porter Bridges is known for carrying on his back. “Plus, I probably should have focused on literally any other part of the character design. I thought the costume wouldn’t be recognizable enough so I went with just the luggage and now everyone just thinks I’m trying to find my hotel.”

Friends who attended the con with Christensen say they feel bad for him, but they’re not surprised by his level of commitment.

“From what I’ve seen of the game, I don’t think you’re forced to carry hundreds of pounds of weight all the time, so I think it was a personal choice for Derek to bring exactly nine metal briefcases,” said Christensen’s friend Donna Frank, wearing a seasonally appropriate and comfortable cosplay of Janet from The Good Place. “Say what you will about his decision making abilities, but when that guy picks a character to cosplay as, he sure does commit to the role.”

“He should have just put on a wig.”

At press time, sources say that Christensen’s mood about his predicament had lightened a bit once he realized his nine briefcases could be used to store all of the Funko Pops he planned on purchasing.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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