SALT LAKE CITY — Local 33-year-old Tom Marshman was sorely dissapointed today to learn he is actually “37 fucking years old” after glancing at his drivers license for the first time in four years, sources close to the old man confirmed.
“Let’s be honest: ages 33 through 37 don’t have a feeling, aside from malaise, I guess? I mean, they’re not exactly milestone years… unless you count not being able to drink like you used to and getting your first gray pube as milestones,” said Marshman. “And taking stock now, it’s easy to see why my adulthood was such a blur — I was drunk from 18 through 29, so those years I hardly remember. Then factor in the four years I straight up forgot, and for all intents and purposes, I’ve only been an adult for three years.”
Marshman’s regular bartender, 29-year-old Erica Parks, noted on several occasions how “out of touch” the 37-year-old seemed despite claiming to be 33.
“I realized he was lying about his age one evening when we got on the subject of our favorite TV shows from childhood,” said Parks. “He kept talking about ‘TGIF’ and these weird shows we’d never heard of, like ‘Step by Step’ and ‘A Different World.’ When we asked him if he ever watched ‘Angry Beavers,’ he got real crotchety and went all ‘back in my day’ or whatever. When he tried to explain the difference between MTV and VH1, I tuned him out and focused on my work.”
Tom’s mother Melissa Marshman is helping her son with his existential crisis.
“It’s a part of getting older, unfortunately. But I find that the best way to deal with it is to slow down every once in awhile, and really delude yourself into thinking you’re younger than you are and will never die,” she explained. “Some people find it weird that a 39-year-old woman like myself could have a son as old as he is, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.”
Marshman later insisted that, despite his rapidly advancing middle age, he will be getting back in touch with youth culture by downloading TikTok and figuring out who “this Billy Ellish guy” is.