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HELP: My Wife and I Started an Open Relationship and It Turns out She’s Significantly More Attractive Than I Am

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty good-looking guy. You wouldn’t hire me to model in GQ or anything, but I’ve heard a lot of positive reviews from that time the local paper photographed me walking past a pedestrian who’d been hit by a pickup. Unfortunately, as it turns out, my wife is a total smoke show.

I assumed my wife and I were on the same level, hotness-wise. After all, she did agree to marry me and has at times referred to me as “kinda cute.” But now she’s saying she mostly loved my personality, and now she’s having some serious doubts about even that – which is ridiculous because my personality has never changed, I’ve just gotten worse at hiding it the longer we’ve been together.

By contrast, I married her exclusively because of said smoke show-ness. The fact that she’s also genuinely kind, considerate, and hilarious were just sort of late-game add-ons for me.

Well, even lobster every day gets old after a while. I suggested an open relationship under false pretenses of my physical attractiveness and like an evil genius she reluctantly accepted my proposal to “make me happy.”

The first few days seemed fine. I got a couple matches on Tinder and I followed up on Facebook cold-messages I’d sent to few college freshman in my kid sister’s dorm a few months earlier. Clara was barely checking her phone (which isn’t unusual since she prefers to maintain face-to-face relationships and open communication), so I figured she wasn’t having much success. Unfortunately, it was because she only needs to step outside our apartment to get offered a modeling contract or invited on an exclusive date at CORE: Club.

So now, two months in, it’s to the point where I can barely sleep on the couch, what with all the moaning and screaming coming from the master bedroom all night long. I need to shut it down without having to admit even the college freshman refused to actually answer my sensual-but-witty Facebook messages. I’m having less sex now than I did when we were exclusive (which was actually pretty frequent and fulfilling now that I think about it).

Yesterday, she actually thanked me for suggesting we do this open relationship thing and that it’s the most empowered, confident, and happy she’s been since we started dating. I did not sign up for this!