FLEMINGTON, NJ. — Local sociopath and deranged serial killer Parker Greene enthusiastically pulled 20 teeth out of the front pocket of a pair of jeans yesterday that he hasn’t worn in months, uneasy bystanders report.
“It’s my lucky day,” said Greene while clutching the teeth to his heart. “I found this old pair of jeans in the back of my closet, and what do I find in the front pocket? Front teeth, molars, canines, wisdom teeth… some of them even still had a little blood on them. I think they’re from those campers I stalked and tortured back in September. I’m gonna treat myself to something cool with these!”
The entire town is sweating with concern over Greene’s good fortune — including Greene’s own father.
“I knew my boy was a little freak ever since he asked for rope, cyanide, and a gun for Christmas at age six,” said his dad, Jeremy Greene. “So, I’m not surprised by this whole teeth ordeal — disturbed, but not surprised. He keeps a jar of fingernails in his glove compartment, for fucks sake. I’ve heard him talking to himself about how he’s going to hide a body in the basement, but hey, that’s probably just locker room talk. Boys will be boys.”
Local police have yet to pin Greene for the grisly murders, although they did confirm that more deaths have been reported in recent weeks.
“We pulled two more bodies from the junkyard last night, and got a letter written in blood sent to the station saying, ‘My pocket full of teeth really brought a smile to my face,’ and it had one of the victims molars in the envelope,” said Detective Madeline Ayars. “We can’t be sure if this is the same person responsible for the severed ears left in the tampon dispenser at the library, but we’re working on it… and the library hopes to have new machines after their fundraiser next month.”
At press time, Greene had finally found the human skin mask he thought he had lost last year while trying to clean the corpses under his bed.