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Aging Punks Outside Venue Share Their Best New Ailments of 2019

BISMARCK, N.D. — A group of local aging punks gathered outside of a show at The Railyard Tavern early yesterday evening, sharing what they believed to be the best new ailments that had fallen upon them this year.

“2019 has been a big year for wear and tear on my body that I was not at all prepared for or aware would even happen this early in life,” explained 36-year-old punk Annie Yong. “My upper back hurts 100% of the time no matter what, and my right shoulder just started doing this weird thing so I can’t really reach anything above my neck. I wasn’t even gonna go out tonight.”

“I didn’t think anything was gonna be able to top the root canal/ovarian cysts combo from the summer of 2018,” she added, “but my piece of shit body just keeps fucking me in new and creative ways. I can’t wait to see what it does in 2020.”

The comparison ultimately included which problems are currently keeping the geriatric punks from enjoying shows anymore, their favorite earplugs, and asking whether anyone in the circle has health insurance — pausing only to marvel over the one person who does.

“Well, between Tom [Sparks]’s plantar fasciitis and Chelsea [Markwardt]’s back issues, it’s honestly amazing that any of us showed up here at all. I know I almost didn’t come,” said formerly exiled scene member and recently sober 41-year-old Chaz Betts. “One thing’s for sure, though: we really do all need to get off our asses and get our eyes checked. I hear the new reading glasses they just got over at Blink Eyewear are fucking sick.”

Despite the countless new issues the exhausted crew have undergone this year, some among the group were criticized for not bothering to complain about anything new.

“Man, anytime someone brings up new injuries people should get checked out, that Chelsea girl talks about her fucking L5 vertebra like no one’s ever heard of it before,” said 39-year-old punk who’s been getting “killer migraines out of nowhere” for the last eight months, Brendan Cramer. “That shit popped out in like, 2016, bro — move the fuck on! There’s been like, a dozen other stupid problems that could have irritated her this year. What a poser. I can’t wait to go home.”

At press time, the group of aging punks were overheard audibly sighing for absolutely no reason at all.

Photo by Tom Peters.