WASHINGTON — Departing employee Bridget Hogan’s profanity laced email instructing her former bosses to go fuck themselves was downgraded to a polite thanking of her superiors for the sustained employment, disappointed sources confirmed.
“I’m not sure what happened, I had the email telling management to sit on a sandpaper glove and spin, and then at the last minute, this voice in my head told me not to burn bridges,” a disappointed Hogan reported. “What really makes this embarrassing is that I’ve told a ton of people what I’d wanted to say if I ever got the chance to leave this dumpster fire of an organization, and I feel like I’ve let them all down.”
Hogan’s co-workers expressed their sadness that her long promised plan to tell management what’s what ended up being a brown-nosing goodbye speech.
“Everyone here has their negative opinions of management, but Bridget especially thought they were a bunch of incompetent mouthbreathers,” noted office confidant Damita Harris. “We were sad to hear that she was leaving, but we figured if anyone had the balls to tell those shitheads how they felt, it would be Bridget. Then at the end of the day, HR sent out this mass email asking us to come to the conference room and there she was smiling and shaking hands with them and gave this goodbye speech about how much she’d learned and would miss everyone.”
“I had my phone out and ready to record her telling them to go fuck themselves, but I just ended up taking one pic of her eating a piece of cake. What a bummer,” she added.
While Hogan’s coworkers were dismayed by the changed plans, others close to her state that this was par for the course.
“I knew she’d wuss out at the last second, she can be such a chickenshit when push comes to shove,” stated longtime boyfriend, Kyle Ballard. “I love Bridget to death, I really do, but when she told me her plan to tell her bosses to eat it, I just said do whatever you feel you need to do. When she got home, she didn’t say anything and just sat down and I knew right then and there that she didn’t do it.”
At press time, Hogan’s intent to tell her mother to mind her own fucking business had been changed to ‘OK, I’ll think about it.”