WHEATON, Ill. — The intimate detail given by Pastor Ryan Landry at the wedding of Lauren Frey and Michael Dent led wedding attendees to conclude that the minister had fucked the bride at some point, multiple sources confirmed.
“There was something about the whole sermon that felt really off. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time, but at the reception it just hit me like a truck,” stated Dent’s Uncle Steve. “All the metaphors he was using about the ‘flower of her innocence’ and her being a beacon of Christ’s love for us all were so on the nose, I can’t believe that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I suspect Mikey doesn’t know, I certainly wouldn’t want anyone going into detail about my bride’s snatch like that.”
Landry continued his commentary throughout the reception, making it clear to anyone who spoke with him that two had plowed, and that he was still desperately in love with her.
“Something about Lauren drew me to her when she first showed up to my youth program, I knew that she was quivering to be filled by the Holy Spirit and that it was my job to fill her,” stated Landry. “I was a bit concerned when she began courting Michael. I suspect he only came to Youth Group to meet girls and that his intentions with her were not pure. If Lauren is happy, that’s all that matters, but I wonder if he’ll be able to touch her soul in the manner that she has become accustomed too.”
Dent, for his part, seemed nonplussed that he had repeatedly been cuckolded by this man of God.
“I wanted today to be perfect for Lauren and I know how important Pastor Ryan is to her, so I felt like he had to be here,” stated the poor schmuck. “Lauren was always talking about how Pastor Ryan had awakened her, so I figured he could best articulate our love for each other. He really poured his soul out into that sermon, particularly the part about her opening her heart and spirit to him. The only part that threw me was when he kept talking about the Israelites eventually finding their way home while staring at her.”
At press time, Landry was spotted at the bridesmaid’s table offering to provide guidance to anyone who felt lost or depressed.