CARLSBAD, N.M. — Avid Tinder user Myles Soto enjoyed playing Devil’s advocate last night while his date begged him to empathize with her most painful personal experience, several horrified witnesses confirmed.
“I brought up the #metoo movement because it’s always a fun topic to debate,” said Soto. “Girls have such strong opinions on it — it’s cute when they get all riled up. It was a fun thought experiment, and her story was wild! Never heard anything like that before: it was like listening to a true crime podcast or something. But, yeah, I made a lot of good points she’ll probably be thinking about for a while.”
Soto’s date Eve Frye had a different perspective.
“I don’t know why he thought reminding me of my sexual assault would be fun when I just wanted to hook up,” said Frye. “But since he brought it up, I ripped myself open for Myles, detailing my rape and the aftermath… but he kept interrupting me to say ‘allegedly’ and, ‘Um actually, innocent until proven guilty.’”
“I thought maybe an emotional plea would help him see us sexual assault victims as humans,” Frye added. “Instead he kept comparing my failed attempts to report my rape to police to his pain of not being ‘allowed’ to watch Louis C.K.’s new special.”
When asked if they’d go on a second date, the couple gave mixed responses.
“I’d go out again,” said Frye. “He was at least paying attention to what I was saying; maybe opened his mind a little. He’s leagues above my last few dates — a magician who canvassed for Gary Johnson, and my next door neighbor who ghosted me.”
“Nah, I’m not interested,” Soto countered privately. “I mean, we had a fun little debate about her basic human rights, but she started openly weeping. Too emotional. Plus she said she’d be down to split the chips and queso, but was in the bathroom when we settled the tab. Lame.”
At press time, Soto was talking to a Jewish woman on Tinder and mentally preparing reasons why the Holocaust actually prevented an even worse global tradegy.