Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Why You Should Cut Selfish Infants out of Your Life

Posted on January 1, 2020 by Shea Strauss

We all know self-absorbed people. These one-sided relationships wear us down and deplete our resources. It is a person’s actions, not age, that should determine whether it is time to let go of that relationship. For these reasons, I removed my selfish infant from my life.

Some people may say I’m committing child neglect, but isn’t the greater crime to neglect oneself? After weeks with my child, I stopped sleeping and doing the things I loved like going to heavy metal shows, tripping on acid, and binging porn for twelve hours. I lost myself in my love for my child. My friends didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. Something had to change.

I tried to work on our relationship, but I quickly realized the problem was with my newborn. He was constantly taking. He woke me up at all hours of the night just to tell me about a poop he had. He used me for transportation and food, and even though I was always there to comfort him, he never once asked how I was feeling. He pulled my hair, fecally destroyed all the new clothes I bought him, and stole the milk right out of my ducts. No matter how I much I tried to talk to him, I realized he had no respect for my boundaries.

You can’t control your three-week infant’s actions, but you can control your response. If you allow them to walk (metaphorically) and spit up (literally) all over you, what example are you setting?

My happiness has increased greatly since removing the infant from my life. Lately I’ve been spending time with family and friends who can burp themselves, pay for their own meals, and wipe off their own sticky snot faces. With distance, I realized that I had let my child’s superficial positive qualities (being cute, the occasional passing gas smile, physical similarities to me) convince me our relationship was worth his overwhelming codependency on me.

Let me be clear: I’m not against being a parent. I believe it has the potential to be a positive experience with the right child. And despite all my setbacks with my first child, I’m happy to announce I’m pregnant again. Maybe this one won’t be such a fucking asshole.

We Look Back on “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness” Every Morning Because of This Dumb Ass Tattoo

Posted on January 1, 2020 by Dan Rice

At The Hard Times we think it’s important to look back on iconic albums that made influenced us and have stood the test of time. Is that why today we’re looking back on The Smashing Pumpkins critically acclaimed magnum opus? No. We’re looking back on it now for the same reason we look back on it every day. Because of this lame tattoo we got in the ‘90s.

In October of 1995 “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness” changed the way we incorporate the steam-punk aesthetic into goth-grunge forever. In that same year a future writer for The Hard Times who greatly overvalued this accomplishment would turn 18 years old and make a decision that, in retrospect, maybe he should not have been legally allowed to for a few more years.

The album’s first single “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” has gone on to become a rock standard. Between that song and other indelible hits like “1979,” “Zero,” and “Tonight, Tonight” one could argue that this album possesses a timeless quality. This tattoo however, a sardonic looking renaissance girl coming out of a star accompanied by the words “I’m in love with my sadness,” does not.

Here’s a tip: Never decide you like a piece of media so much that you want to see it on your own chest every day for the rest of your life. So why not simply get the tattoo removed? Because in order to get a tattoo removed you have to go to a person who removes tattoos. Imagine you were a person who removed tattoos. Imagine someone came into your office with some faded Billy Corgan horseshit on their chest. Imagine the smirk you would not quite be able to repress from seeing said tattoo. I think that smirk would literally kill me. It’s easier just wearing shirts all the time.

Despite all my rage this was an incredibly bad decision.

Barista Wishes More People Would Care He Is Gotye

Posted on January 1, 2020 by Jonah Nink

NEW YORK — A barista at a New York City Starbucks struck a somber tone yesterday, wishing that more of his customers would care that he is actually the Australian singer/songwriter Gotye.

“I know it’s been nearly a decade, but ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ was huge when it came out,” said Gotye while mixing a venti caramel frappuccino for a high school student. “I’m not asking to be treated like the pope or anything, but the occasional, ‘Hey, it’s that guy!’ would be nice. The closest I’ve come to being recognized was some guy who thought we went to high school together and insisted that my name was Taylor.”

However, while most of the store’s regulars are fully aware of who Gotye is, none of them care enough to acknowledge the multi-instrumentalist who failed to find more commercial success through music.

“Whenever someone new comes in and orders, he’ll pause and gesture to his name tag to see if they’ll react,” said store regular Sandra Cohen. “Most of them just look confused… even more so when he started wearing an apron that read ‘I am Gotye’ on the front of it. Lately, he’s been playing the entire ‘Making Mirrors’ album on loop throughout his shift and singing along, but most people have headphones in and never notice.”

Gotye’s supervisor Alan Hayworth did not know his employee’s musical background until an online publication tracking the careers of one-hit wonders asked Hayworth directly how Gotye’s employment affected the franchise’s business.

“He always did talk about writing some kind of single, but most of my staff are dumbass failed musicians anyway, so I didn’t think anything of it,” said Hayworth. “Aside from last week, when I had to discipline him because he wouldn’t shut up about a royalty check from ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ no one has had any complaints. Frankly, so long as he shows up on time, greets customers with a smile, and handles the coffee correctly, we’re good — whatever he does on his off-hours is none of my business.”

As of press time, Gotye was taking one of his 15-minute breaks at a nearby Wendy’s staffed by the members of Stone Sour.

Gamer Postpones New Year’s Resolution Until Q3 2020

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local gamer Cal Huckaby has postponed the announcement of his highly anticipated new year’s resolution until an unspecified date later in the year.

“This is an incredibly difficult decision to announce,” Huckaby announced yesterday. “But frankly, it’s become clear that I am not going to have this resolution ready on time. I really wanted to have this thing out for New Year’s, but I’m afraid that we’re going to push back to a later date so that I may more fully consider the kinds of things I’d like to change about myself in the year ahead. I am very confident that we will have the resolution out by the third quarter of 2020.”

The announcement of the delay caused shockwaves online, but many close to Huckaby weren’t surprised.

“Oh gosh, I could’ve told you that,” said Cheryl Huckaby, Cal’s mother. “He never gets anything done on time, certainly something this important and high profile. I did my best to act surprised when he announced the delay, but frankly, everyone in the family knew there was no way he was going to have this resolution ready on time.”

Huckaby has insisted that the delay is not his fault, but merely a byproduct of an environment that encourages resolutions and holidays to be released on arbitrary, pre-assigned dates.

“Maybe if I didn’t have such unrealistic expectations put on me year after year after year I could really overhaul myself sometime instead of just incorporating some minor changes here and there,” he said. “This delay will be good for me in the long run. You’ll see”

As of press time, Huckaby had promised to keep supporting his previous resolution of reading more, which had a very successful midnight release on January 1st, 2019.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Netflix Announces It’s Losing the Audio Portion of ‘Breaking Bad’ in 2020

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix co-founder and CEO Reed Hastings announced today that the streaming platform will lose the rights to the audio portions of AMC’s popular drama Breaking Bad sometime in the upcoming new year.

“Losing the sound from Breaking Bad is certainly a blow to our catalog, there’s no way around that,” Hastings said in a press conference. “But let’s be clear here, most people have already seen Breaking Bad, so you can just fill in the lines of dialogue in your head. All of the visual motifs and thematic use of colors are still available for all of our subscribers, so there is really nothing to worry about. Everything is seriously fine here at Netflix.”

The audio portion of Breaking Bad is merely the latest in a series of high profile franchises moving onto other streaming services.

“Oh man, so you’re telling me after The Office, Friends, and Frasier go away next year, I can’t even hear the reruns of Breaking Bad?” said Danny Altieri, a longtime Netflix subscriber. “Is this why Bob Odenkirk had been digitally removed from the episode of Better Call Saul I watched last night? Wow. Maybe they shouldn’t have given Dave Chapelle and Jerry Seinfeld the budget of a James Cameron film to tell jokes in front of walls. That couldn’t have helped.”

Despite facing several major losses in the year ahead, including the loss of the auditory elements of Breaking Bad, Hastings claims that he’s not worried about the future of his company.

“We have some of the best movies and original programming around,” he said. “The fact that about half of our customers are merely paying a monthly Netflix bill so that they may easily throw on something familiar doesn’t change that. I think fans of The Office and Friends are going to be thrilled to discover how many episodes of The Ranch they have to catch up with!”

Hastings concluded the press conference by announcing that the months ahead would see Netflix losing all of its animated content as well as increasing its subscription price.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Sources Confirm It Would Be Totally Weird if We Kissed at Midnight

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Dillon Magrann-Wells

YOUR FRIEND’S LIVING ROOM — Multiple sources at the party you’re currently attending confirmed that it would be “totally weird” if we were to kiss at the stroke of midnight.

“If you two kissed, we’d freakin’ lose it! Even though you guys do look good together,” said your drunken friend Amy Freeman, wearing oversized “2020” novelty glasses. “Ever since college you’ve always been the ‘safe one’ who doesn’t take risks, but the decade is ending, motherfucker. You don’t want to just sit there at midnight looking like an unkissable loser. You better go for it!”

However, a vocal subsection of partiers not only find the idea of us kissing completely ridiculous, but actively think it is a bad idea — including your most recent ex, who just happened to arrive with a new, less attractive significant other.

“I thought I was over it, but as soon as I saw that look in your eye, I knew you had some big plans for a midnight kiss. Just like we did back in 2016,” said your ex while smoking a cigarette on the patio. “I gotta admit, if I saw you kissing someone else, I’d be emotionally gutted. I’d know I made a terrible mistake breaking up with you.”

If we do go for it, love and romance experts claim there’s a significantly low percentage of midnight kisses feeling awkward afterwards.

“It doesn’t really mean anything… and it’s sometimes nice to try once in your life,” said one local relationship expert who is dating your friend’s roommate. “In fact, I met my girlfriend of five years when I asked her for a kiss at midnight. So I’d say, worst case scenario for people sharing a midnight kiss with a platonic friend? They’d have a story to laugh about for the rest of their lives. And, hey, they might just find somebody special who’s been in front of them all along.”

At press time, everyone else at the party seems to be coupling off and it looks like you’re still sitting alone, so if you’re up for it, we might as well do this.

Mannequin Kinda Hot

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Louie Aronowitz

ATLANTA — A mannequin positioned in the storefront of a newly established clothing store in East Atlanta Village is “kinda hot… is that weird?” according to store passersby.

“I can’t even walk by that store anymore, it’s just too distracting,” commented Martin Tanner, while actively turning his entire body away from the store so as not to even glimpse the mannequin out of the corner of his peripheral. “The first day I noticed him, I must have stood in this exact spot for like three hours straight. I was completely mesmerized. He’s like an angel, sent from the heavens, created by God himself, to be the most perfect man imaginable. I’ve never wanted to unzip a pair of cargo shorts so fast in my life.”

Store manager Kate Berk was initially nervous about displaying the hot mannequin, fearing he might even be “too hot,” but has since discovered an unexpected benefit.

“Honestly, there is a lot of foot traffic that get super distracted by him and his stacked ass, but then they become hyper self aware and scurry off, so it weirdly made the store more peaceful and calm,” she mentioned, while searching a catalogue of other hot mannequins she’s considering ordering. “Unfortunately, we have been getting girls trying to talk to him and flirt with him, so we’ve had to hire security, but most people have been pretty respectful of his privacy. No one has tried measuring how tall he is, and we have yet to catch anyone looking under his pants to see if he has a big dick or anything.”

Head of design at the manufacturer, James Zeitlin, expressed pride in discovering the success of his mannequin.

“Ah yes, Hans. He was one of my favorite designs, truly inspired,” he said, while sculpting an anatomically accurate intimate region on a still amorphous blob of plastic. “I based the design on an amalgamation of every attractive human I’ve encountered in my entire life. The real secret though, to making him so attractive, is his personality. He’s smart, and funny, and makes great conversation. I almost wish I could have kept him.”

At press time, the mannequin, now nicknamed Lex, was confirmed to be missing, and officials have narrowed down the suspects to about 90% of the recently single population of Georgia.

We Talked With a Bartender About Our Personal Troubles and He Mostly Just Cleaned a Glass With a Rag While Nodding Knowingly

Posted on December 31, 2019 by James Knapp

Recently, we here at The Hard Times have been going through some pretty… well, hard times. Fortunately, the bartender at our favorite speakeasy, The Crusty Punk, is always willing to lend a sympathetic ear! Despite him not really being huge on talking or making eye contact or generally acknowledging our presence, we were still able to gain a lot of insight from him regarding our forthcoming divorce proceedings.

Hard Times: Another daiquiri. Thanks. We appreciate you taking the time to talk with us.

Bartender: (Cleans glass with rag. Nods.)

HT: I know, right? Things have just been tough lately. I guess you’ve heard by now that Rebecca filed the divorce paperwork.

BT: (Nods. Cleans Glass with rag.)

HT: Yeah, I don’t know what happened. It’s like we never really felt like we we were good enough for her, but now that it’s over, it feels like that was the only real issue.

BT: (Assists another customer.)

HT: Sure, it didn’t help that we lost the house betting on Three Card Monte. It’s not our fault though, we had a foolproof system! Anyway, we think it was when we pulled the kids out of school so they could focus on karate full time also caused some friction. But ‘not being good enough’ was probably the main thing.

BT: (Returns. Spits in glass. Continues cleaning with rag.)

HT: You really think so? She said she was fine with us using our life savings to turn the living room into a squirrel ranch. At least I think she was. In hindsight she did use the phrase “grounds for divorce” more than usual that day…

BT: (Sets down glass.) You owe me eight dollars for that drink.

HT: Stop saying it, we know it’s our fault! The karate, the squirrels, the karate squirrels—all of it!

BT: (Begins cleaning different glass.) Another banana daiquiri?

HT: Yes, but just one more. If we don’t get home to the karate squirrels they’re gonna think we left them just like their mother.

BT: (Nods. Reuses glass.)

Grippy Socks from Rehab Celebrate 10 Years as Woman’s Only Winter Socks

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Krissy Howard

DULUTH, Minn. — A pair of blue grippy socks given to local punk Kim Duverne while in rehab for methamphetamine addiction have just celebrated 10 years as the woman’s only winter socks, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Yeah, these socks have been through a lot since all three times I got out of rehab over the years, but they held up to the best of their ability, one day at a time,” Duverne explained, of the Novaplus Adult-sized socks given to her by inpatient staff in 2009. “The grippies at the bottom are getting a little less sticky since they’ve been washed probably like, 400 times since I got them, and they have zero elastic around the ankles anymore. But goddamn if they don’t sort of keep my feet warm when it’s cold out. I’m really proud of them.”

Some close to Duverne, however, cannot understand why their friend insists on using the “shitty-ass polyester or whatever” hospital socks years later, rather than spend $6 on a new pair.

“Honestly, I don’t know what her problem is. She’s struggled in the past for sure, but she’s actually really gotten her shit together in the last five years… other than those nasty socks I’m pretty sure are only a one-time-use sort of deal,” said friend and recovering alcoholic Deon M. “I’m not surprised they’ve lasted 10 years, though — I’m pretty sure they’re flame retardant, and I wouldn’t be shocked if they never biodegrade. I feel itchy just looking at those things.”

For their part, when asked how they achieved the milestone accomplishment, the socks were humble.

“Well, I definitely couldn’t have done it without the help of a higher power, who I choose to call Kim’s mom’s washing machine. If we had to rely on that sketchy laundromat by her house I probably would’ve gotten lost years ago. But that thing really helped keep me on track during my darkest moments, like when Kim threw up on me after her birthday party six years ago,” the socks said in a touching share delivered to a room full of anonymous socks. “Also, I stayed away from old people, places and things, and I didn’t jump behind the dryer, no matter what. Thanks for letting me share.”

At press time, the socks were calling their sponsor, a small blanket Duverne took from a Delta flight to Orlando in 2006.

Photo by Rachel Waldrop.

Anime Fan Transfers to New University After Accidentally Calling Professor ‘Nee-San’

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Owen Crowlie

SILVER CITY, N.M. — Former Columbia University law student Brendan Stack recently transferred to Western New Mexico University, fleeing the embarrassment of having accidentally called his law and finance professor “Nee-san.”

“Okay listen, she just has a really reassuring voice,” Stack explained. “And when she was answering my question, ‘thank you nee-san’ just slipped out of me, loud enough for the whole class to hear. I felt like such a baka.”

With news of the utterance no doubt spreading through the Columbia campus, Stack understood there was no chance of social recovery. The only rational move that remained was for him to move as far as he could and start his life over again.

“My oya were pretty upset — excuse me, oya means ‘parents,’” Stack explained. “They weren’t going to understand the hell I had made for myself, so I just told them I’d developed a fear of tall buildings and needed to move to the Southwest.”

Upon arriving in New Mexico, Stack set to work deleting his social media presence and beginning the process of legally changing his name.

“I just need a fresh start. Do you think anyone will buy that my last name is Miyazaki?” Stack asked, a glimmer of hope returning to his eyes.

Because WNMU did not offer law courses, Stack decided to restart his college career and focus on learning Japanese, with a minor in Animation.

“I’ve even become secretary treasurer for the school’s ‘Japanese Art and Animation Appreciation Society For Men.’ It’s great to feel like I’ve found my people, you know? We’re even producing a little short that I am directing— a Miyazaki picture. Huh? Huh? Pretty cool, right?” he asked, pausing. “Right?”

When Stack first went missing, many of his former Columbia classmates were questioned about the event. They offered few answers.

“Who?” said Jess Clambert, who was sitting near Stack when the incident took place. “This is the first I am hearing about it.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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