Trust Fund Hipsters Return To Ancestral Coachella Grounds to Mate

Posted on by Ben Friedman

INDIO, Cali. – As the sun broke over the mountains of the Coachella Valley this morning, thousands of first-day festival attendees were lucky enough to witness the annual migration of trust fund hipsters returning to their ancestral ground in order to mate, local conservation officers have confirmed.

“Just as sea turtles and salmon return to their birthplace to begin the circle of life anew, so do hipsters return to the Coachella festival grounds in the hopes of finding someone to fuck during the Strokes’ set, so as to keep their generational wealth in the family,” said park ranger Stephanie Porter. “It’s truly a miracle watching several thousand lazy, entitled assholes who all allege they made skinny jeans popular and used to model for American Apparel throw money they didn’t earn around in the hope of impressing potential mates by loudly talking about what their dads do for work.”

Coachella staffers were also ready to ensure another successful mating season.

“We have to carefully plan out which bands will attract the ‘I heard of them first’ crowd to induce breeding. I’ll never forget when LCD Soundsystem headlined in 2016 and saw the sheer number of headlights of the incoming hipsters’ Teslas appear over the horizon,” said production manager Scott Ballard. “And once they’re here, we let their mating rituals play out naturally. That means absolutely not giving them molly or Velvet Underground records. They have to forage it themselves.”

Despite the successful migration, conservationists warned hipsters may soon be an endangered species. 

“Branded content and social media clout will draw them back every year, but their numbers have been declining over the past decade. The encroaching Gen Z species of hipsters certainly look and act like they invented thrifting band tees, but many couldn’t name a single Pavement album, let alone convince anyone to come back to their family’s beach house in Malibu,” said Dr. Mary Thurgood. “If they fail to produce enough offspring this festival season, Coachella’s entire ecosystem will collapse, and they’ll be forced to see Geese at some shitty festival in Alabama or something

As of press time, concertgoers stood in awe as a herd of hipsters magestically stampeded toward the Gobi Stage upon hearing a beautiful heiress with a coke hookup personally knew the guys in Joyce Manor. 

The Next Jello Biafra? High School Kid Juggles Jazz Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, and Side Project With the Melvins

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

When high school student Chad Toffy is not designing zines mocking his gym teacher for supporting ICE or distributing underground newspapers blasting Montesano High School administrators for their complicity in what he calls “the evils of the Standardized Testing Industrial Complex,” the sophomore trumpet player devotes his seemingly boundless reserves of creative energy to music. 

And according to sources who have witnessed his frenetic performances with his school’s jazz band, marching band, wind ensemble, and a side project with sludge metal legends the Melvins, Toffy may just be the next Jello Biafra.

Montesano High Jazz Band Director Sam Robinson attested to Toffy’s musical chops, while acknowledging that his mischievously confrontational approach to political activism has made Toffy some enemies amongst the band program’s booster club. 

“I’ve never worked with a young trumpet player who was as quick a study of Miles Davis pieces,” Robinson said, “And yet, Chad’s melodramatic grandstanding rubs some people the wrong way. I suppose his prolific musical output and penchant for pranksterism are what remind aging punks in our community of the former Dead Kennedys frontman. He could have just quietly refused to sell fruit snacks for the marching band’s Disneyland trip fundraiser without live-streaming his 3-day hunger strike. But he wanted to protest band kids being coerced into what he feels are exploitative schemes that normalize child labor.”

Bill Wesley, the father of a Montesano High senior who is a member of the school’s drum line, hopes to get Toffy to join his son’s punk band, Three Chord Monte.

“I couldn’t understand how some fifteen-year-old kid got hooked up with the Melvins, but when I saw his marching band arrangement of ‘Honey Bucket’ had students moshing in the bleachers at the homecoming football game, I realized this little dude is a badass,” Wesley said. “But if he’s really his generation’s Jello Biafra, he should be doing gigs with more than just four bands. Besides, right now, the country could use a new rendition of ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off’ with a wicked ear-piercing trumpet solo!”

At press time, Toffy announced he may take a hiatus from his school’s music program during his junior year to embark on a spoken word tour. 

Trump Threatens Cuba With US-Style Health Care

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump warned Cuba that if they didn’t immediately capitulate to all his demands, he would destroy the island by unleashing deadly US-style health care upon it, sources close to the White House reported.

“If Cuba doesn’t want to be obliterated like nobody’s been obliterated before, they will dump their loser commie government and hand over all their resources like those tasty papayas, beautiful nickel, and scrumptious cobalt,” said an unhinged Trump. “Otherwise, I’ll have to invoke the nuclear option and send an army of our top health care CEO’s down there to straighten everything out. Cuba’s a failed nation. They have no money, they have no oil, they have nothing. If they don’t smarten up, they’ll soon face imminent annihilation from high drug prices and unsustainable insurance premiums and deductibles that Americans know too well.”

Local Cuban Jose Diaz chimed in with his opinion on the threat.

“There’s only one thing my proud people fear more than American military might, and that’s their so-called health care system,” said the 70-year-old man who just returned from a doctor’s appointment without having to pay a penny. “We’ve heard horror stories from our relatives in the US about how many people die because they cannot afford simple medicine at an affordable price, because their wonderful capitalist system allows those companies to make billions while everyone else suffers. I’d much rather take our chances with their war machine, especially since they put that drunk pendejo from Fox News in charge.”

Political pundit Casey DeMieux pontificated how future US conflicts could capitalize on this.

“The US should definitely lean into this,” said DeMieux. “Instead of trying to bend the will of the world using its Apaches, Tomahawks, or fleet of advanced warships, it seems a much more effective strategy would be for America to intimidate its enemies by threatening to export classic American culture that the world would truly be horrified to see take root in their countries, like for-profit hospitals, the prison-industrial complex, or their unholy desire to put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in a taco.”

At press time, an impatient Trump doubled down the rhetoric by suggesting he could also send Linda McMahon to Cuba to instill a US-style education system. 

Millennial Blows Life Savings on Three Boxes of Magic Spoon

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Millennial Scott Eardner momentarily lost himself in his local Fresh Thyme and spent his entire life savings on three boxes of Cocoa Protein Magic Spoon cereal, sources report.

“Oh God, what have I done?” Eardner wailed. “I’ve been saving what little money I could for the past 10 years for an emergency or a rainy day, and I just blew it all on some ludicrously overpriced cereal that tastes like mildly sweetened sawdust. Ugh, it’s going to take me years to re-save all of it. I work full-time as both a barista at Starbucks and a server at TGI Fridays, so I’m struggling just to pay for my rent and keto-friendly, protein packed cereals, and not to mention all the school loans I have from the degree in Chemistry from Northwestern that didn’t yield me anything in the job market. Clearly I need to make smarter financial investments in my breakfast foods.”

Cashier Brad Carson reacted to what he saw.

“This guy comes in every week, and his socks with sandals combo indicates he isn’t a big spender,” Carson said. “He’s a frequent couponer, and often seems like he’s penny pinching. No shade, because it’s not like I’m making huge money myself. I was just surprised when I saw him walking up to the checkout with three boxes of Magic Spoon, because that shit is so unbelievably expensive and not even really that good. Honestly, he should’ve just bought himself some Golden Grahams. AI or global warming is likely going to kill us within the next couple decades, so it’s not like there’s a reason to watch what we’re eating, you know?”

Economist Luisa Villareal weighed in on the situation.

“I’ve been seeing so many inordinately expensive ‘health foods’ hitting the market recently,” Villareal provided. “It’s unclear how these companies are able to stay afloat, because so few people these days have the money to afford them. Also, I’m no nutritionist, but I can’t imagine the proposed health benefits of these brands managing to outweigh the harm that the stress of living in our late-stage capitalism hellscape is putting on millennials. People in their 30s and 40s aren’t able to eat healthy and afford to retire in a few decades. You simply can’t have both.”

At press time, Eardner had drained his IRA so he could buy three 12-packs of Poppi soda.

CVS Employee Who Unlocks Embarrassing Ointments Never Forgets a Face

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

LOS ANGELES — Martin Espinosa, a local CVS employee tasked with unlocking the store’s glass cases containing creams, ointments, and other topicals for the embarrassing conditions of self-conscious customers, confirmed that he never forgets a face.

“Unfortunately, I do have a mental catalogue of everyone who’s ever come into the store seeking treatment for rashes, sores, or infectious skin conditions,” said Espinosa. “To be honest, it’s really starting to interfere with my daily life. Like I’ll be at a Starbucks miles away and be like, shit, the barista making my cortado is on his second round of over-the-counter jock itch treatment. I assume he’s washing his hands regularly, but how can I really know? I actually saw a brain specialist last week. He said that medical science hasn’t yet discovered a way for me to get rid of the mental images of everyone who’s asked me to unlock the Valtrex. In a way, this is my personal herpes.”

Customers were disappointed to learn that their lowest moments had been permanently branded in Espinosa’s memory.

“I finally worked up the courage to do something about this fungal thing I’ve been dealing with,” said shopper Corbin Dalbow, who has been a CVS ExtraCare member since 2013. “I had to remind myself that nobody at the store cares enough to judge me — I’m just another forgettable face during their shift. Everyone’s too caught up in their lives to worry about what I’m doing, right? But now you’re telling me this guy is like the Rain Man of rash cream? What are the chances? He should be working for the police or something.”

CVS refused to fire Espinosa, despite significant backlash from dermatological patients across the country. 

“We are committed to fostering inclusive workplaces across our 9,000 retail locations,” said CVS spokesperson Joanne Greyson. “In accordance with federal law, we can’t deny employment to someone just because they mentally log the distinct facial features of everyone who comes in with disgusting warts on their balls. We will continue to support Mr. Espinosa and all the other freaky little goons who make minimum wage ensuring the good stuff stays locked up and out of the hands of violent, STD-ridden shoplifters.”

At press time, Espinosa confirmed that his talent only works in the skin treatment aisle, after he failed to recall a single distinguishing feature of his girlfriend’s best friend.  

A Man of the World: This Guy Is Actually Open to a Short-Term Relationship

Posted on by Rachel Hein

This declaration on a dating app translates to: “man willing to date someone temporarily.” The man in question is 33-year-old Scott Tolbert, who describes himself on his dating app profile as “looking for a long-term relationship, but open to short.” He believes that his flexibility toward dating sets him apart from his peers.

Tolbert doesn’t think it’s natural to put timelines on human connection. He was quick to tell me that himself. “Things just evolve, or they don’t. That’s how animals are. Panthers and wolves and stuff, they just live, you know? I’m like that too,” he shared. Among his other listed qualifications: he “loves dogs, food, and music,” promises to “make you laugh before you make him laugh,” and is seeking “a fellow adventurer.” Could that be me?

This is a man announcing he is open to something men have historically never objected to once. It is unprecedented to watch someone so boldly advertise their willingness to participate in the most standard option available to men throughout history. 

Is this radical transparency the new frontier? Fleeting, confusing emotional connection as a marketed option? And how long is short-term? Or does asking that question misunderstand the point altogether?

When I saw this, I thought… Wow. Finally. A man brave enough to consider something low stakes. This clarified he’s: open to sex, open to not defining things, and open to disappearing after three weeks, which is so evolved. 

When talking to a friend of mine who’s dated men with the same “open to short-term relationship” setting, she agreed. “I love knowing he’s going to ghost me. It’s just a matter of when. And that’s a fun game for me personally. I can’t wait to get emotionally invested.”

Though I respected his bravery, I ultimately couldn’t match Scott Tolbet. It’s admirable that he wasn’t afraid to grab the third rail. Of course, the third rail is there — the inevitable emotional abandonment and awkward confusion — everyone knows it’s there, and they don’t acknowledge it. And of course, grabbing it will immediately kill him, but he still grabbed it… He didn’t pretend it wasn’t there, and I think that’s pretty cool. That said, it did kill him. Best of luck, Scott Tolbert!

Vans to Partner With Life Alert for Aging Skaters

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Apparel and skateboarding shoe brand Vans is partnering with elder care brand Life Alert to cater to their aging clientele, representatives confirmed.

“We figured that eventually our customer base would shift to the younger generations, but it turns out that Gen X and elder Millennials are our ride or dies, despite the fact that they keep riding and almost dying,” said Vans spokesperson Joe Jenkins while giving a live demonstration of how to press the “help” button on the device. “We felt it was becoming irresponsible to ignore how many torn ligaments and joint replacements were happening with our help. These stubborn 40 year olds were scared to admit when they had fallen and couldn’t get up at the skate park. So we called up Life Alert with an idea, and Shred Alert was born.”

Local aging skater Bryan Roche shared his thoughts on the upcoming drop.

“Bro, this is totally going to change the game,” said Roche while grimacing in pain after standing up too fast. “I mean, usually when I fall and break my hip in the bowl, young skaters just shred over me like I’m an element. They started assigning points to different body parts. I was too embarrassed to admit I needed help, though. Now I can discretely press my Shred Alert and be peeled off the ground by medical experts instead of my wife.”

Ashley Thomas, a local public health expert, talked about the positive impact this product will have on this ever expanding community of aged skaters.

“Shred Alert has the opportunity to address a very specific but serious issue that’s facing people who refuse to accept that they are middle aged,” said Thomas. “Most people don’t even realize how often we’ve had to put down aging skaters whose broken legs healed wrong because they weren’t seen by a doctor in time. This won’t stop their decrepit bodies from breaking, but it will get them the help they need when they need it.”

At press time, Vans took inspiration from their own idea and is working on a partnership with select surgeons to offer two for one knee replacements for skaters using Shred Alert.

Man Foolishly Believes He’s Hit Rock Bottom

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

BOSTON — Local man Brian Keller reportedly believes he’s hit rock bottom despite not altering a single aspect of his self-destructive behavior or circumstances, sources confirmed.

“It’s time to turn things around,” Keller quietly mumbled to himself in the mirror as if he were in a biopic watched by millions and not a middle-aged man alone in his apartment immediately returning to the same decision-making that got him here in the first place. “All I need is just one thing to go my way. I am confident this is a meaningful turning point in my life. Starting Monday, or next month, I’m going to get my act together. Until then, I’m going to get hammered at a Chili’s and do some coke off the baby changing station in the restroom.”

Former college roommate Pamela Dupont said Keller may be confusing the act of declaring a turning point with actually making one.

“Honestly, Brian does this kind of thing every couple of months or so,” Dupont said of the man who is currently taking four times the recommended dose of a friend’s medication so he can focus on reinvesting in the crypto markets that crippled him financially while sipping a sixth low-calorie beer in his effort to lose weight. “He’ll make some announcement that he’s hit rock bottom or whatever, post something vague on Instagram about his ‘winter arc,’ and then a week or two later he’s sending me unprompted Venmo requests for God knows what. I mean, he’s nice enough, and I’ve known him too long at this point to just ‘cut him out of my life,’ but I haven’t responded to one of his texts in years.”

Keller’s therapist, Alisha Stewart, suggested the issue stems from a child-like misunderstanding of what the phrase “rock bottom” actually means.

“Admitting you’ve hit rock bottom actually involves a sustained recognition that your behavior is destructive and a genuine commitment to change,” Stewart said as Keller watched his Kalshi, DraftKings, and GGPoker funds disappear. “Hitting rock bottom does not, in fact, mean continuing the same fuckwad-dumbshit-self-destructive-asocial-asshat behavior that has made everyone you’ve ever known wish you would just fucking die already.”

At press time, Keller was reportedly celebrating the start of this new chapter with a trip to the cash-for-plasma center.

Inspiring! This Non-Profit Raised 7 Billion Dollars for Temporary Sports Arenas During the Largest Homelessness Crisis in Modern History

Posted on by Violet Meeker

Amidst the largest homeless crisis in modern day history, The International Olympic Committee was able to raise 7 billion dollars to bravely build temporary sports arenas all over Northern Italy. What an absolute slam dunk for all of humanity! While some non profits provide long term solutions, the IOC prefers invading a city every four years, uprooting the infrastructure, and wasting as many public and private resources as possible. Why? Because SPORTS! And flags. Do NOT forget the flags, and the waving of them.

The only cooler thing than sports is causing housing prices to rise and space to continue to tighten in the name of a patriotic dystopia that will most deeply damage the very smallest communities. Or at least that’s what Kirsty Coventry, President of the IOC, likes to whisper in the ear of the FCC just to keep them docile. 

As we (The Hard Times sports section, aka those who mosh the most) roamed the city looking for positives, a local cafe owner urged us to sit down in his recently renamed cafe, I HEART NBC. “I guess we have 6 new sports arenas that fit 50,000 people each. So that must be good. Somehow. Right? I certainly like sports, but now that I think about it…those are there forever. And we don’t knock stuff down, like ever. Fuck. What the fuck was the point of this? What are all these sports stadiums for? It’s like ancient Rome all over again, but plastic.”

Just as the non-profit’s “games” came to a close this season, so did many of the buildings they rushed to make for a 6-week-long event. Even though – wait a second – we’re just now hearing that there were already enough permanent stone sports arenas in Italy for the past 100 years for the next 100 Olympics. Good to know for next time!

McDonald’s Overhauls Deal Menu With $17 ‘Fuck You Burger’

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — McDonald’s announced that the fast food chain would be undergoing a massive overhaul of their affordable deal menu spearheaded by their new $17 “Fuck You Burger,” franchised locations have confirmed.

“For our next venture to gouge consumers, we took inspiration from condescending, overpriced gastropubs who also think their clientele are idiots. I’m proud to announce all you disgusting pigs will love wolfing down the new ‘Fuck You Burger,’ and you’ll have no choice but to pony up 17 big ones because we’re replacing the value menu with this,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski. “Technically we can’t call it a burger since it’s 67% sawdust, but that won’t stop us from fleecing anyone dumb enough to spend almost two and a half times the minimum wage for flavorless slop. Stop by today!”

Employees at McDonald’s restaurants were hesitant to embrace the new menu.

“Ever since Chris got roasted for that Big Arch fiasco, he’s been on a warpath. He only gave locations six hours to start selling this new burger and I gotta say for that price, I don’t know how long we can sustain it. The ingredients literally call for dumpster juice and laxatives,” said shift manager Dory Henderson. “The craziest part is that right now, the ‘Fuck You Burger’ is a hit. It doesn’t even come with fries! I suppose we should look forward to a nice quarterly bonus before all the customers sue over getting sepsis.”

Representatives from the McDonald’s R&D department said the menu will soon be subjected to many more changes. 

“Nuking the value menu for a burger that will put you in the ICU is just the beginning, as our loyal customers can look forward to melted shakes, three day old fries, and touch screens that’ll double charge you and steal your bank info,” said Ryan Jones. “We no longer want to be a restaurant chain, but a vast network of gray buildings pushing out the lowest quality food for the most amount of money we can get away with charging. And people will pay, because this is America and we can abuse the hell out of our base and get away with it.”

As of press time, Kempczinski added that a limited time $25 “Fuck You Burger Deluxe” option will come with an extra patty made of rat meat.