SAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the crate you opted not to check, chagrined sources confirmed.
“It brings my team no joy to report this, please believe us. However, the cruel truth of the matter is, that particular sought-after album, no matter who you are, was in fact in that last crate you decided not to bother looking through. I’ll give you a moment to grieve,” said Dr. Taja Braithwaite, Head of Chemistry at San Jose State University, offering us a tissue. “We swear, we’ll get back to trying to cure diseases and prolonging the quality of life after this. The news is too depressing as it is, but it’s our duty to communicate this stuff, no matter what a bummer it may be.”
Most affected by this revelation are those customers whose lucky day was thwarted by ignoring those final milk crates full of potential deals.
“I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that the investigation was going to hit me and my ilk with bad news, but I could have never assumed it would be of this magnitude. I mean, with my hoarder’s mentality, I thought I was being healthy by not checking the last few dollar bins,” said frequent record buyer Emilio Hartough, as if trying to make sense of it all. “But, sometimes life just deals you a bad hand. I’ll never leave a store without checking every inch of it for a diamond in the coalmine ever again. Mark my words, I’m gonna live in those stacks until a pile crushes me to death.”
Longtime proprietor of San Jose’s popular record store “Scratchy’s Wax” Lenny “Scratchy” Hasselback was crestfallen to hear his profession’s cover was blown.
“Oh, we always put a few valuable ones deep in the dollar bins just to amuse ourselves. Creating a little chaos in the world is one of the few ways we record store schlubs can assert any manner of dominance in our meager existence, really,” said Kramer. “This study is definitely blowing up our spot, which, as you could imagine, sucks considerably. We’ll have to put a few of our best men on devising new and undetectable ways of fucking around with the clientele. Damn, we may have to start putting itching powder in the sleeves, huh?”
At press time, additional findings divulged data surrounding whether or not the records were autographed, which they absolutely were.
Paul Radin is an asshole who tries to trick three enemies from his past into apologizing to him by making them think he and his survival shelter their only hope for salvation from the nuclear apocalypse. When they refuse to apologize and request to leave because he is just that much of an asshole, Radin is driven insane by the revelation that they would prefer to endure a nuclear holocaust than be trapped in a confined space with him. The episode itself is fine overall, but as far as acting challenges go the role of Radin would be a dull slog for a thespian of Nic Cage’s caliber. With the exception of what would undoubtedly be a classic Cage meltdown performance when Radin loses his mind the rest of this episode gives the man little to work with.
Jason Foster is soon to be dead. And to ensure that the self-absorbed fucks that he calls a family really earn their inheritance he makes them all wear grotesque-looking masks, neglecting to tell them that the masks will transform their real faces into facsimiles of their real personalities. As Foster, Cage would add a much-needed sense of “more yelling at my shitty, shitty children” than the episode originally intended. The only deterrent here is that he might also request to wear a mask, which could be more confusing than anything.
Any genie story is like catnip to Nic Cage’s tabby-like persona – and yes that analogy fell apart as soon as I typed it, but much like the incomparable Mr. Cage I have learned to embrace my mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, the main character in this one makes a lot of them as he imagines the different wishes he would ask of the genie (who just so happens to be Grandpa Joe from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”). The third act when Nic Cage pretends to be the President during a UFO crisis and later just takes over being the genie isn’t exactly high art, but something we want to see nonetheless.
Look, we have no intention of slandering the great William Shatner – but the cold hard fact is that Mr. Cage could act the pants off of every character that Shatner ever played. That’s just how good he is. So while in the original episode we’ve got Willy S. chewing the scenery over a fortune teller machine that’s taking him for a ride, in our reimaging Nic Cage somehow convinces the fortune machine that it’s actually the one that’s crazy. Honestly, it wouldn’t take much for him to pull it off.
We really didn’t mean to go back to back with the “Star Trek” cast members in this ranking, that’s just how things shook out. But seriously, how cool would it be to see Nic Cage and George Takei act off of one another? Adding to the fact that this episode is a stark depiction of racial disharmony after wartime you really have something to sink your acting teeth into. Shit, should we just cast Nic Cage in “Star Trek” too? Well, we guess we’ll save that for another list sometime.
When two state troopers stop at a roadside diner to investigate a UFO sighting, paranoia ensues as the occupants speculate wildly as to which of them doesn’t belong. Now, of course Mr. Cage will be playing the role of the alien – but with his subtle facial cues and not-at-all-gargled tone of voice, will you even be able to tell that it’s him?
Once again we have a main character having a complete mental breakdown, but this time it’s because twenty years prior he left a bunch of his navy buddies to rot in a submarine and now their ghosts are back to drag him into a watery grave. You know, PTSD metaphors used to be way less subtle, and really, it’s a point in television history that we could all do with a revisit to. Also, Nic is gonna act the fuck outta this role.
A lone man wanders an abandoned town with seemingly no reason for his solitude and eerie allusions to his situation from the very environment he’s trapped in. Fortunately for Nicolas Cage, screaming about his deranged loneliness in a ghost town is second nature to him. Just look at his most recent arrest after accidentally ingesting bath salts in that derelict pioneer village – it won him an Emmy somehow!
Commander Stansfield is a man in love who also happens to have terrible timing. He’s about to leave Earth for a forty-year space flight which he’ll spend in suspended animation, but, not wanting to have to bang an old lady when he gets back, removes himself from hibernation as she ironically puts herself into hibernation. What would Nicolas Cage do when left to his own devices in outer space for four goddamn decades? We’re going to take the high road on this one and guess he would use that time to perfect his poetry, all of which would be about old boobs and that one dinosaur skull he got sued into returning to Mongolia. Clearly the man’s range does not stop just because the cameras are off.
Nicolas Cage often works best when a scene is wall-to-wall panic with weird xenophobic undertones strewn all throughout. Well in the classic episode “The Shelter” he’ll have no shortage of inspiration as a group of neighbors desperately try to break into his bomb shelter only to then discover that this nuclear false alarm made all of their uninstigated racism somehow even more uncalled for.
What would happen if Nic Cage was a meek little man who suddenly became obsessed with the lives of dollhouse figurines? Actually, wasn’t this already a Nic Cage movie at some point?
Mr. Cage has his choice of meaty roles in this episode. Should he play the stoic, godly leader of a town eradicated by nuclear fallout? Or the desperado-like army officer who tries to seize power and drink radiation-tainted liquor? Or the insane supercomputer who lives in a cave and rules the remnants of humanity like a god? Let the man explore his options!
Though it may seem counterintuitive to have Nicolas Cage play a role where the entire intent behind it is that he’s a character that isn’t allowed to speak, trust us, that energy is going to come out in other ways. And the idea of Nic Cage throwing himself around a glass jail cell, unable to speak, trying to win a bet against an arrogant socialite is exactly what this episode needs.
Edward Hall is convinced that if he falls asleep he’ll die. Why? Well obviously, because “the Cat Girl” is going to make him ride a roller coaster until his heart explodes.Look, this show doesn’t always make the best sense – but if you need an actor to make watchable something that is otherwise incomprehensible gibberish, Nic Cage is the man for the job.
Here we have kind of a difficult episode to approach. A group of petty thieves find a camera that takes pictures of the future. What really makes this a tough situation is that everyone, literally every person in this episode, is fucking stupid.Now we have no reservations that Nicolas Cage is perfectly capable of playing any of the dumbest human beings ever put on film. The real question is, in what ways does this episode improve when even just one of its protagonists is being played with anything other than what we would describe as “rock chomping stupidity.” Our best guess, Nic Cage actually figures out how to replace the film in the camera. Miraculously this is a huge plot point in the episode.
The fab four had just split up, but Halloween partygoers wanted one last magical mystery ride, and who could blame them? Your parents, however, had their own magical mystery ride going on behind closed doors. They decided it was time for John (him) and Paul (her) to put their differences aside and “come together,” and “come together” is in quotes because it means they fucked as the Beatles and simultaneously came all over each other.
Wonka has remained a Halloween staple ever since, and if you’re at any costume party worth its punch you’ll see at least one purple-coated chocolatier among the crowd, but on Halloween night 1971 it was Wonka’s as far as the eye could see. Your father was no exception, and your mother was sport enough to play along as Veruca Salt. This activated something in your father. Perhaps he was taping into the thinly veiled cruelty of the character, but he spent the entire night fat-shaming your mother, telling her she shouldn’t have stolen all of that candy and that she was blowing up like a balloon. Far from angry, your mother goaded him on, aroused by the playful humiliation. They left the party, your father proudly telling the other guests it was time to “Juice her like the fat berry she is.” Nine months later, you came into this world.
On Halloween night of 1972, your mother made your father an offer he couldn’t refuse—sex with her! That’s right, they did it with her dressed as Vito Corleone and him dressed as movie producer Jack Woltz. That’s a lot to take in, so we won’t even tell you how they incorporated the horse’s head.
The year was 1973, and Brady mania had swept the nation! It’s no surprise that practically everyone dressed as a member of the bunch that Halloween. What was a surprise was just how much incest-play it led to once everyone had a few. Nowadays anyone who visits PornHub can tell you how prevalent it is, but in ’73 this was wild, groundbreaking stuff. Once they finished a liberating session as Jan and Mike, they spent the remainder of the year trying out every combination of Brady Bunch characters romantically.
It was just two months after Richard Nixon resigned from office, and between the scandal and his made-for-caricature face, he became the go-to Halloween costume that year. Your father spent the entire night with double peace signs in the air proclaiming “They don’t call me tricky Dick for nothing!” until the woman who is now your mother finally sat on his face just to shut him up.
Believe it or not, your parents didn’t dress up this year, but they did make love and your mom did call your dad an asshole the whole time so it was still on theme.
The Farrah Fawcett-led action/detective series was a phenomenon when it premiered in 1977, and women across the country celebrated Halloween dressed as their favorite one of Charlie’s girls. Your father was Bosley of course, and together, they were disgusting. They spent the entire night making the most contrived double entendres and bawdy workplace sex jokes you’ve ever heard in your life. They didn’t fuck each other though. It was an old-school swinger fishbowl party and they both went home with different characters from “Welcome Back, Cotter.”
It’s no surprise that one of the most enduring pop culture phenomenons of all time dominated Halloween the year of its release. What was surprising was your parent’s Grand Moff Tarkin and Biggs couple’s costumes. Biggs wasn’t even in the final cut of the movie, and this was long before the internet, so how your dad even knew who he was or what he looked like is puzzling. Your mother, doing an uncanny Peter Cushing impression, tied him to a chair and interrogated him on the location of the rebel base for the better part of an hour. Biggs, using his uncanny savvy (again though, how did your father know this?) broke free of his restraints and, at the exact right moment, pounced upon his captor. “Only a force-sensitive rebel with a midichlorian count above 50,000 could get the jump on me like that!” exclaimed Tarkin, before the grand Moff’s surprise turned to lust and they did all the positions to the dulcet tones of The Max Rebo band. Seriously did your parents know George Lucas or something?
We have a tie! It seems Halloween partygoers were split this year between John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever” and Michael Myers from “Halloween.” Well, your dad doesn’t believe in ties, he believes in winners! That’s why he went to a Halloween party in John Travolta’s white disco suit AND a Michael Myers mask. Some people thought it was a bit contrived, but not your soon-to-be mom. She kept asking “Whose the guy doing the sexy knife dance?” She made him keep it on when he took her home and never actually saw his face till breakfast the following morning. To this day she won’t let him touch her without it.
Yes, the top costume of Halloween 1979 was another tie between two strongmen—Superman and Rocky Balboa. Which camp did your mom and dad land in? Both! Your dad went to the party as Superman, and your mom went as The Italian Stallion! And then they fucked!
Yeah, and they recorded themselves. Between the rebel flag backdrop and the implied incest they improvised during roleplay, it’s a good thing neither of your parents ever ran for office.
In the first of a two-year streak of Halloween seasons dominated by Stephen Spielberg movies, your dad dressed as the titular Indiana Jones, and your mom, eschewing gender norms, dressed as Belloq. She rode him all night shouting “Give me that cock Dr. Jones” and he kept saying “No! It belongs in a museum!”
Spielberg pulled a doubleheader the following Halloween, this time dominating the holiday with costumes of E.T., the loveable and vaguely phallic alien! Your parents went all out on this one, with your mom as E.T. and your dad as Elliot. They even rode around on a bicycle, it was super adorable! That is, until, that glowing finger started reaching into some unsavory places…
Yes in 1983 everyone wanted to be The Material Girl or The King of Pop. What a simpler time. Your parents got pretty outside the box with this one behind closed doors. Your dad held a stuffed monkey and did the moonwalk while your mom fucked every celebrity impersonator in town right in front of him.
In 1984, bustin’ made us all feel good, and your parents were no exception. Let’s just say they weren’t covered in marshmallow.
“A Nightmare on Elm Street” was a cultural phenomenon, and Halloween partygoers couldn’t get enough Freddy! Sexually, however, your parents had very different takes on the character. Your father constructed a glove with a dildo, butt plug, can of whipped cream, and French tickler instead of knives for fingers, all the elements for a night of sensual lovemaking. Your mother on the other hand developed a bizarre burn victim fetish, and tried to steer things in a darker direction the whole night. “Get over here and fuck me, you sexy horrible burn man! Tell me about all the kids you murdered while we do it!” By the end of the night, they decided that they just weren’t sexually compatible and agreed to go their separate ways. Unfortunately, this is the night you were conceived.
We know what you’re thinking—”There’s no way my parents sexualized the California Raisins, right?” Guess again, Jack. We heard it through the grapevine that they lost their deposit on the rental because of all the love juice stains on those wrinkly purple costumes.
Prime Directives:
We don’t want to get too graphic here, so let’s just say your dad painted his dick up like a sand worm. That may sound graphic but trust us, compared to the full scope of Beetlejuice-centric taboo debauchery your parents got into that night, it’s quite tame.
It’s hard to believe there was a time when making a superhero movie was seen as a huge gamble, but this one sure paid off! It’s also hard to believe there was a time you didn’t know your dad liked to dress up as Batman and get tied up by your mom in Joker facepaint, but here we are.
