Biden Sends Netanyahu Birthday Card With $5 Bill, Additional $1 Billion Arms Shipment

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — President Biden sent his longtime friend Benjamin Netanyahu a thoughtful handwritten birthday card with a crisp $5 fresh off the mint, as well as another billion dollars in weapons to continue Israel’s assault on multiple civilian populations, sources confirmed.

“I love the birthday cards I get from politicians around the world, but it really warms my heart whenever American lawmakers take the time to send me well wishes,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Democrats or Republicans, it doesn’t matter I love them all. And I keep a list of everyone who doesn’t reach out and I’ll ensure they are voted out of office soon. Joe’s latest card was really touching. He said he loved me at least a dozen times, male friendships are tough to maintain as you get older and I hope we stay in touch when he leaves office I really do. I’m going to miss having him around. He’s always been so quick to send me all the weapons we need and he always steps in to make sure other countries don’t sanction us for ‘war crimes.’”

President Biden says he spent hours crafting the perfect card.

“Listen Jack, I love arts and crafts. Since I was a boy, a small little boy in a working-class family in Scranton, Pennsylvania I’ve made every birthday card I ever sent by hand. Sometimes I’ll paint some raw macaroni and glue it to card stock, other times I write a nice little poem, but for Bibi I went all out,” said the lame duck President. “This card was a hand-drawn timeline of our friendship. I remember the first time I helped send him missiles back in 1996. Since then I’ve helped authorize hundreds of arms shipments to him. Literally billions in American taxpayer money sent to my close personal friend, I only wish I could send him more. That’s why I sent him the extra $5.”

Political analyst Kimora Phillips was not surprised by Biden’s generosity.

“Every American politician for the past 60 years has had to pledge their undying loyalty to Israel. Netanyahu knows this and takes full advantage of it. I know Senator John Fetterman sent the Prime Minister a few pairs of his favorite sweatpants and a few Steelers Terrible Towels,” said Phillips. “President Trump sent Netanyahu a few boxes of Trump-branded steaks, water, and alcohol which apparently made the Prime Minister very sick. Some people thought it was an assassination attempt at first, but then realized that’s what happens to anyone dumb enough to consume a Trump product.”

At press time, Trump and Harris set aside their difference to send Netanyahu a joint video where they both expressed their love for the genocidal leader.

As the Only Goth Mom on This PTA Board I Should Be Able To Run the Blood Drive However I Want

Posted on by Laura Lewis

First, let me just say that there’s a legally compliant way to run a blood drive for elementary school students (boring!), and then there’s the right way to run a blood drive for elementary school students. For those of you who think we’ve done it the wrong way—just because we got hit with a few tiny fines and a pending lawsuit, I can assure you there is still no one on this board more qualified than me for the job.

Sure, we got off to a less-than-ideal start when students and parents alike complained that the flyers were illegible. They weren’t able to decipher “where the event was held” or “how to participate” or “what time is it even” but they were thinking too small. The important thing was that the font on the flyers exactly matched that of the art nouveau version of the original 1922 Nosferatu movie poster. If this community can’t appreciate basic allusion, that’s on them.

And yeah, I already apologized for blowing the budget on dry ice and coffins, okay? That one’s on me. But, frankly, inflation should have been factored into the budget in the first place. No one listened when I said dry ice prices were on the rise, and that it costs an average of 20% more per month to fill my house with it. Then somehow it’s a surprise when it took $400 worth to properly outfit the gymnasium.

Plus, those coffins were real. I’ll have you know that I covered the shipping costs myself. Anyone else here wanna guess how much time and money it takes to ship a half-dozen exhumed coffins to the Richmond suburbs via a creaky ship from Romania? A lot.

Also, like, on whose authority did those EMTs report us to the state for collecting the blood in engraved silver carafes and 18-century leech vials? They hold way more than those little plastic bags. I was doing them a favor. Just because one child dropped their vial, got lost in the dry ice fog, slipped on the blood, and landed in a coffin where no one could see or him for 2 hours (or hear his screams over the sound of Goodbye Horses playing on a loop), doesn’t mean it was an inherently bad idea.

Anyway, all that aside, I motion that I should be able to retain my event organizer title. I’m willing to fall on my sword here (technically, it’s Elizabeth Bathory’s ceremonial dagger, but it’ll do just as well) and assume responsibility for this whole thing. And I promise next month’s Headless Turkey Trot Corn Maze will go a lot smoother.

Local Dad Unknowingly Performs Greatest Drum Solo of All Time on Belly of Labrador Retriever

Posted on by Livy Berry

MILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Teddy Johnson, confirmed extremely impressed sources.

“Yeah, Teddy loves when I smack his gut to a steady beat and call him the ‘goodest boy in the whole wide world,’ he just goes nuts for it,” Johnson claimed. “Sometimes he lays down for me, and I just go to town on that K9 abdomen. Normally, I’ve got something going in my head like some Zeppelin ‘Moby Dick’ but today I was just rockin’ my own thing. I might be nuts, but I think I made a pretty solid beat. Some have even called me the Neil Peart of pet stomach drumming, which is a title I do not take lightly.”

Ralph Matthews, a neighboring dad, happened to catch this historic event while he was grilling some steaks.

“I was just flipping some excellent hunks of cowboy meat, when I heard Dave start going in on Teddy’s belly,” said Matthews. “At first I thought he was busting out some classic Sabbath, but then something happened. It was so breathtaking, I had to stop grilling for several minutes just to listen. The talent, the technique, you just had to be there! About three minutes in, I said to myself, ‘Ralph, you gotta get a video of this!’ And I guess I was right to, because everybody I sent it to was blown away! It even went viral on my Facebook with 37 total likes.”

Immediately upon hearing Johnson’s recording, Mark Wallace, director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, recognized the significance of the situation.

“We have already begun construction on a sculpture commemorating this incredible moment!” said Wallace, who has been directing the hall of fame for the last 10 years. “I have been in this business for a very long time, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Dave and Teddy Johnson’s names are gonna be right up there with John Bonham and Animal from ‘The Muppets,’ if not higher. The sculpture is projected to be finished by the end of the year. It’ll go right next to our statue of the teenager who performed a stunning drum solo on this classroom desk in 1997.”

At press time, Johnson was not nearly as impressive after awkwardly attempting a follow-up performance on his reluctant cat’s belly.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t Election Ads

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Do you live in a swing state and wish you were dead from the relentless election ads? Skip all that shit (after filling out your mail-in ballot, of course) and listen to these to preserve the tenuous threads of your sanity.

High Vis “Worth the Wait”

English rockers High Vis dropped their third LP “Guided Tour” last weekend and we won’t lie, it’s been on repeat. “Worth the Wait” delivers a distinctly retro sound reminiscent of The Cure that is ideal for listening to on your lunch break while having a reward cigarette, perhaps in the rain for Maximum English. Show this one to your teen cousin who recently discovered Gang of Four. 

 

Blood Incantation “The Stargate [Tablet I]”

We admit it: sometimes we lie awake at night and wish that Rush was way, way heavier and not for nerds. And finally, our prayers have been answered by Blood Incantation’s truly insane new album “Absolute Elsewhere.” This 8-minute opening track covers the full range of the group’s self-described “psychedelic take on death metal,” featuring Deicide-style growls and double bass pedal one minute and 60s organ and a keytar solo the next. Your dad would love at least half of this. 

 

Anxious “Counting Sheep”

Connecticut-based emo outfit Anxious is due to drop their second full-length this winter, and if the lead single “Counting Sheep” is any indication of the quality, we are really looking forward to it. It’s hard to put a unique spin on a genre that’s been argued about and meme’d upon for decades, but Anxious pulls it off with a mix of All Time Low synths, Taking Back Sunday singing, and a cheeky little gang vocal hook that we can’t get out of our skull. We highly recommend this one for your 2000’s-themed house party with a 9:30 p.m. curfew. 

 

Fucked Up “Stimming”

Genuine question–does this count as folk punk, and if so, is this the song that finally makes us “get” it? “Stimming” opens with an ungodly good guitar hook and quickly turns from jazzy-quirky to something almost like Murder By Death meets Fleet Foxes, except the guy from Baroness is on the mic. It’s hard to describe what exactly about this sonically massive song makes it so intensely listenable, but it’s got us in its grasp for certain.

 

Scowl “Special”

Santa Cruz punk crew Scowl consistently releases banger after banger, and “Special” is no exception. Singer Kat Moss expertly delivers both disaffected yet crystal clear clean vocals and absolutely brutal screams over a deeply catchy backdrop that keeps you in the groove, but throws a few surprises your way as well. This one has us asking: “Turnstile who?”

 

Flagman “Hot Off the Log”

We here at The Hard Times have vowed to improve our writing by comparing bands to other bands less frequently. Today is not that day, because we need to introduce you to Flagman, the unholy lovechild of Primus, System of a Down, and Methwitch. Their album “Tastes Incredible,” featuring the fucking shredder “Hot Off the Log,” also has weird little Khruangbin interludes and a general Zappa-ness about it. What the fuck is this? Why is it so good? Why can’t we stop talking about it? Can someone help?

Behold: hours and hours of music to keep you distracted.

Back to School Night and 10 Other Events I Shouldn’t’ve Pregamed but Kinda Glad I Did

Posted on by John Adkins

Should we really let “society” determine when it is and is not appropriate to get a nice buzz on? The answer is categorically yes, if there were no guardrails on my consumption I would have been dead years ago, but I do bend the rules from time to time, and aside from when I didn’t have a license for 6 months, Daddy likey the results! Here’s a list of my top ten… let’s not say problematic… UNCONVENTIONAL alcoholic exploits that I have gotta say really worked out for me.

“My End-of-Year” Reviews at Work
SO WHAT if I channeled my inner Don Draper by slurpin’ some scotch before my performance reviews? I’m a classy fella! And goddammit, I think I performed WONDERFULLY this year. But yes I was fired. Which, funnily enough, was not on the table until my performance review…

“That Marathon I Got Peer Pressured Into Running”
Hey, I know my limits, and I CANNOT run a marathon. So like any responsible adult, I knocked back a couple of cold ones, sprinted the first mile (I felt invincible), puked, passed out, drank some gatorade. rallied, and made it to the bar by 2 pm. Did not come close to finishing the race.

“Therapy”
Look, therapy is all about opening up and being vulnerable. Coincidentally, that’s what alcohol does. But according to respectable society, “never the two shall meet…” until now, motherfuckers.

“My Court Date”
Ok, so I’m not legally allowed to discuss what I did, but all I’ll say is that I had the liquid courage to deliver the defense of the CENTURY. And yes, I did represent myself. Still waiting for the jury to deliver their… oh what? I’m super guilty? Well that makes sense…

“Open Climb” at My Friend’s Gym”
We all have that one friend who moved to a city without any hobbies and naturally fell into rock climbing. And it’s only a matter of time before that friend invites you to an “open climb” where you can watch them pretend to be a badass for 45 minutes. My advice to you? Rip a 40 on the train there.

“Pottery Class”
Naturally, wheel-throwing with midwestern moms and a homeschooler named Phoenix trying to fulfill his art credit calls for a vino vibe. So let’s get that Josh flowin’ ladies! Plus, Phoenix needs some driving hours for his learner’s permit, so he can be our D.D.!

“My TED Talk on Bees”
They say to trust your training, and my training involved hitting a dive bar on the way to my own Ted talk. So yeah. It might be the least coherent ted talk ever, but it’s also the MOST viewed. And THAT’S good television. What’s up? It’s not on TV? dammit. Sorry bees.

“Chaperoning My Kid’s Field Trip to the Zoo”
There are indisputable truths in life, and one of them is that uncrustables taste wayyyy better after you’ve ripped a 40 right before snacktime on a fourth-grade field trip to the zoo. Sure, I might’ve screamed at the Giraffes for giving me body issues (they’re so tall and skinny) but at least the booze buzz made my son’s friend KYLE wayyyy more tolerable. Cuz lemme tell ya, that kid sucks. like a LOT.

“That Flashmob that Also Doubled As My Brother’s Proposal”
Before you accuse me “not studying the choreography at all,” and “hip-checking that old lady down a flight of concrete stairs,” I just wanna say that my moves ROCKED. I mean, have you ever seen someone down an entire margarita tower and then completely ruin a proposal? Seriously, have you? My brother’s not speaking to me and I’m embarrassed… I need help…

“My Friend Jerry’s Improv 101 Graduation”
Sure, everyone gets a lil’ tipsy at comedy shows. But only real pros know that clubs DON’T sell booze at 9:30 in the fucking morning, which, as you might’ve guessed, is when they host IMPROV 101 GRADUATION. So naturally, I had to take matters into my own hands and toast my friend Jerry with a bottle of warm champagne that I chugged by myself in the uber to the venue. And lemme tell ya, Jerry was SO funny. I think. Actually, I don’t really remember the show.

White Friend That Went to Mexico for Three Days Suddenly Pronouncing “Taco” Differently

Posted on by Bill Conway

TAUNTON, Mass. — Local man Patrick Kelly surprised friends and family with his supposed “authentic” pronunciation of common Mexican foods after a week-long vacation in Cancún, annoyed sources confirmed.

“It’s really nice to get away and be immersed in another culture. I feel like a new hombre. The people I met, the food, it was a life-changing experience,” said Kelly, who spent the entire week inside the grounds of Temptation Cancun Resort. “I had this waiter I’ll never forget, I think his name was Raul, or maybe it was Juan, I’m not really sure. But he challenged me to expand my tastebuds. Instead of opting for mild salsa with my nachos, I went with hot, and it was tough at first. My mouth felt like it was on fire, but it made me feel like an Aztec warrior with every bite. If I can handle Mexican spice I can handle anything.”

Friends of Kelly say he has been even more insufferable since he returned from his trip.

“I suggested we go to Taco Bell for dinner one night and he told me it’s actually pronounced like ‘tee-ya-co’ and told me that’s fake Mexican food and suggested I try something authentic like Chiptole,” said former roommate Danny Sullivan. “The worst part is he tried ordering in Spanish. The girl behind the counter didn’t know what he was trying to say, and he kept trying to roll his Rs but he would just end up spitting all over the glass. He eventually gave up and just pointed at the beans he wanted, which he kept calling ‘free-jolls’ by the way.”

Nithya Choudhury, a linguist and dialect coach, says it’s not uncommon for people to pick up certain phrases after a vacation.

“We’ve all had that friend who did a semester abroad in England and came home and started calling elevators a ‘lift’ or using the word ‘cunt’ all the time,” said Choudhury. “These people are often the dumbest people in your friend group. They are the people who haven’t read a book since they were forced to for summer reading in middle school, and this is the only way they can attempt to appear smart. Yes, it never works, and often it makes them look dumber. But try not to laugh at them. Just nod, and if they correct your pronunciation just say ‘thank you’ and move on. They need this.”

At press time, Kelly was seen yelling ‘“Go home!” at a group of day laborers outside of a nearby Home Depot.

Photo by Derek Horstmeyer.

Feminist Win: This Woman Played An Entire Game Of Pool Without A Man Interrupting To Give An Unsolicited Tip

Posted on by Violet Meeker

There was something undeniably femme in the air that day. A wind that whispered “shhhhhh” into the ears of men on the sidewalk outside the local dive bar. Inside, a woman plays pool. But the environment is different…there are no interruptions. No “maybe hold the stick like this” or “angle it from here” comments. Not even a sexually aggressive “you should bend over more” from a boomer who looks like he has multiple kids that refuse to talk to him. But for the first time, possibly ever in the history of mankind, a woman completed a game of pool in peace.

“This took months of preparation,” said Jamie Binion. “But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I’ve never felt so focused. This must be what men feel like when they play; simply unbothered.”

Sinking yet another ball she winks at the empty chairs surrounding her on this gloomy Tuesday morning. Even the timing had to be carefully considered for this event to occur without a hitch.

“I never thought I’d see the day. Even in a place as remote as this, there’s always a man in the corner that needs to solicit his unprovoked opinion” the bartender explained as she re-duct taped the male opponent’s mouth. The empty bar and supportive tender weren’t the only things that contributed to such an event, it also took an ally willing to abide by a few rules.

We had been so wrapped up in the magic happening that the man across from our queen had become an afterthought, of course. What we assume was a smile appeared across his face as he told us about how he ended up being chosen for such a game. “Mmmgrrmmrr” he told us through his freshly duct-taped mouth. “Ggghrrmmhmm,” yet at the same time “hhhmmrgggrrm” he explained. What a sweetie pie!

The game didn’t last very long, and the competition was slim considering the zeroed-in focus that had been created for our feminist icon. Things become a breeze when you aren’t being harassed, it appears. “Suck my dick!” she aptly yelled as she sunk the final 8 ball. As the winner wrapped herself up in outside clothes™ (the layers a woman wears on public transportation so as not to be catcalled constantly) she prepared to face reality again and leave the haven that had been built so carefully. Upon her departure, we heard a whine from the pool table. “Please come back” it whispered as she walked into the sunlight and misogyny.

Crust Punk Enters “Only Listens to Hank Williams” Stage of Lifecycle

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.

“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember,” reported Gorski as he picked an old cigarette butt out of one of his dreadlocks. “The rampant consumerism and flag worship that’s shoved down all our throats as we grow up never appealed to me, nor did the bullshit music that’s always pervaded the airwaves. I grew up listening to stuff like Amebix and hometown heroes Aus-Rotten, but now I mainly only listen to Hank Williams. I’m not really sure what the reason is, either. One day I just woke up and that was the only music I was really interested in. I can’t help it anymore.”

Others in Gorski’s social circle have expressed confusion at his newfound listening preferences.

“I’ve known Eric ever since we were kids, and while I respect his rejection of capitalism, I wish he would shower more. Despite our differences we always got along really well,” said Gorski’s friend Danielle Burke. “The other day I visited his tattoo shop and he had ‘Move It on Over’ blasting out of the speakers. What’s weird is, Eric still looks exactly the same, and even has a brand new Hellbastard patch on the one pair of black jeans he always wears. I asked him if Hank Williams’ DIY approach to his career is what drew him to his music, and he kind of looked at me blankly, so I don’t think that’s it. This just seems to be something that kind of…happened with him as some sort of natural, biological process.”

Social psychologist Brianna Igwe of Carnegie Mellon University was not at all surprised at Gorski’s transformation.

“This is to be expected, as a sudden affinity for Hank Williams is thought to be the leading indicator that a crust punk has reached the final stage of lifecycle development,” Igwe offered. “I’ve conducted countless case studies on the subject, and while crust punks’ appearances will remain unchanged, they’ll inevitably reach a point where they literally only listen to Hank Williams. I’d love to be able to tell you what this evolves into, but without fail, all the subjects in my case studies have suddenly moved away to live out of their vans at some point during this stage. I fear it’s only a matter of time before Mr. Gorski disappears into the ether.”

At press time, Gorski had upended years of scientific consensus by revealing that he’s also been listening to Elvis.

How I Get Meals Comped at TGI Friday’s by Sitting Under Loose Wall Decor

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

In these hard times sometimes putting food on the table means taking a second job or donating bodily fluids but I’ve learned that treating yourself to a dinner out on the town can be as easy as threatening your local eatery with a personal injury lawsuit! Follow these easy tips to get your meal on the house!

First of all, seat selection is key. An autographed picture of Richard Simmons may get the attention of the waitstaff but if you want a full comp of your meal from Table-tizer to Choco-Nater you’re going to need to head straight for a toboggan, street light or bear trap. Give the wall a good tap and see if anything jiggles. Chances are something will be looser than Boris Yeltsin at an orchestra. If not, claim it’s drafty and ask to be re-seated.

Once you find a suitable seat, go ahead and order yourself a Diddy on the Beach because that’s the real name of a drink on the menu and you’ll be grateful for the anesthetic properties of vodka when a trout that spits tag lines from Duck Dynasty comes crashing down on your noggin. When your server heads off to put in your order, subtly use your butter knife to further loosen the snowshoe, kayak or stop sign you have chosen as your meal ticket.

If all the wall decor at your local TGI Friday’s is properly secured you may need to BYO decor but tread carefully. Legend has it that the manager at this TGI Friday’s (all of them, actually) is a serial killer and each piece of wall art is a memento from one of his kills. To avoid arousing suspicion, stay on theme by finding everyday items that could be used to bludgeon and maim the innocent or transport and hide a body.

When your meal is coming to a close, give the wall a hard kick under your booth and brace for impact! Now it’s time to put your acting skills to use. Head and neck injuries are preferable as they can often be invisible yet serious. If following the BYOD method you can simply unearth the ice pick you brought with you and bang it on the table while holding your neck. If all goes according to plan your server will be too stunned to ask questions and will go ahead and comp your meal.

Good luck! And remember; In here, it’s always Friday!

Boomer Makes Sure to Have Most Annoying Ringtone Selected at Highest Volume Before Leaving House

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BOISE, Ida. — Roland Gelford, a member of the baby boomer generation, made sure to have his awful ringtone set to maximum volume on his phone before going out to run a few errands, sources who can’t hear themselves even think anymore report.

“I was headed out the door and for a second thought I had forgotten something. I checked to make sure I had my keys and my wallet then it hit me… I had forgotten to make sure I had the most awful-sounding ringtone selected with the sound all the way up. It was a close call!” said Gelford over the quacking duck sound on his phone. “Good thing I checked, can you imagine how embarrassing that would’ve been to be in public and have a normal ringtone set at a reasonable volume?”

Gelford’s wife reports that Roland forgetting to set his ringtone with the most cringe-inducing sound possible has become an issue and that she will leave him notes to remind him.

“I’ve been leaving sticky notes on the door to remind him as he is leaving the house. I’ll usually write something like ‘Don’t forget to turn the volume up on your phone so that everyone around you has their ears bleed’ or ‘Try the dog barking one or the one that sounds like an old-time car horn for a change,’” said Laura Gelford. “I know how important it is for him when he is out of the house to have the most annoying sound ever on his phone so that he can pretend he doesn’t hear it and just let it ring non-stop.”

Apple marketing manager Trent Collumb says the tech giant is working on a system to alert users to check that they will be appropriately annoying in public.

“We’re looking at an update that would detect when someone is about to leave their house and send them a push notification to ensure they have the most irritating ringtone on before exiting their house,” said Collumb. “We’re also working on a new set of ringtones for those who want to further aggravate anyone around them. These new ringtones include the sound of a dentist’s drill, fingernails running along guitar strings, and a child actor singing a Broadway musical.”

At press time, Mr. Gelford was spotted at a local movie theater where he seemed to be completely oblivious to the loud “boing” sound repeatedly coming from his phone.