15 Sitcom Dads Based on How Likely They Are to Attend Your Drone Metal Show

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Sitcom dads typically run the gambit between borderline abusive and trying way too hard to be cool. There seems to be very little middle ground. So with a genre so, how we say, niche as drone metal, we found ourselves asking which sitcom dad’s would go to your band’s show and which ones wouldn’t. So, continuing our proud tradition of journalistic integrity and asking the important questions, here’s our list of sitcom dads based on their likelihood of coming to your show.

15. Al Bundy (Married With Children)

Short of kicking out Kelly’s boyfriends, Al Bundy doesn’t really take much interest in his kid’s lives. If it’s not Psycho Dad or something No Ma’am affiliated, the likelihood of him showing up to your show is pretty slim. After a long day of selling women’s shoes at the mall, which leads us to ask how in God’s name he was able to afford his house, a man is entitled to sit on the couch with his hands down his pants. As we get closer and closer to middle-aged, we’re starting to see why doing that is so appealing.

14. Ray Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)

If it’s not related to sports, we can’t see Ray taking any sort of interest. His kids mostly seemed like they were background characters anyway, so who even knows if music is something they’d be interested in. The writers didn’t really do much in the way of exploring those characters beyond them being Ray and Debra’s kids, so that’s really more on the writers for not taking the time to develop them more. If anything, he and Debra should be using that time to attend couples counseling because that marriage was clearly on a downward slope.

13. Hank Hill (King of the Hill)

To his credit, for lack of understanding his son (his words not ours) he is generally supportive of Bobby’s endeavors, even if it’s only as the result of Peggy forcing him to. But even the most supportive parents have their limits and we’re pretty sure that Hank Hill wouldn’t even qualify drone metal as music. Bluegrass, country, classic rock, and even the occasional boy-band are more his speed. Besides, he’d probably spend the whole evening complaining how asinine the whole thing is. You could try pointing out the pyrotechnics are powered by propane, but he may not approve of propane being used in such a manner and rat you out to the fire marshall.

12. Peter Griffin (Family Guy)

Neither of the Griffin parents are an example of good parenting. Given that Peter openly hates Meg, goes out of his way to avoid spending any real time with Chris, and has foisted parenting duties for Stewie onto his dog, he’s probably going to spend the whole evening at the Drunken Clam. Also, it’s canon that he’s a KISS fan so drone metal will probably sound like a robot with diarrhea to him. This is likely for the best as he’ll likely spend your entire set insisting you play ‘Surfin Bird.’ Which sounds like a good cover on paper, but your band doesn’t do covers.

11. Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

Since the story of how he met your mother took about seven years to tell, there’s a good chance that you’re not making the show either. And, to be frank, this is starting to become a problem. We don’t want to say there’s talk of you being kicked out of the band, but let’s just say your frequent absences and lateness have not gone unnoticed. Seriously, get your shit together, we told you when we invited you to join the group we needed someone reliable and we’re not buying those bullshit excuses that your dad won’t stop telling you his goddamn story.

10. Guy Blank (Strangers With Candy)

Guy Blank appears to have locked-in syndrome or something so, this is a hard no. Maybe if he were still fully in control of his mental and physical capacities, there’s a chance. But, it’s hard to imagine a guy whose only daughter becomes a boozer, a user, and a loser was the best parent. Again, we’re just speculating, but there are studies that support this theory.

9. George Bluth (Arrested Development)

At the time of this writing there’s a strong possibility he’s either in prison or a fugitive from the law. Not that this is any kind of real excuse for him not being more present in your life. Your therapist has been over this time and time again that this is toxic behavior and it’s detrimental to your own personal growth and self-esteem to make excuses for him. Sure, you’re expected to be a character witness at his fraud trial, but God-forbid he makes just a little time for you. He had a one-armed guy teach his kid’s life lessons by traumatizing them. When are you going to come to your senses and just cut him out of your life already?

8. Jesse Katsopolis (Full House)

You’re probably wondering why we’re ranking the frontman of the Rippers so low. Allow us to explain: first of all, he’s an Elvis guy so drone metal probably isn’t his jam. Secondly, he’s probably too busy hanging out with the Beach Boys. What was the deal with that anyway? Did the Tanner’s have dirt on them or something? They just always were inexplicably at their house. The series really should’ve done more to address that.

7. Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men)

Oh where do we begin with this piece of shit. Even if he did come to your show, he’d probably try and steal some of the door money and take and use all your drink tickets to buy appletinis, which we’re sure the bartender at a metal venue is not going to enjoy making. Plus, would you really want him there, awkwardly hitting on girls half his age and genuinely making you wish your mom went through with the abortion? Fuck this human parasite.

6. The Dad From Blossom (Blossom)

Did he have a name? We can’t remember and our internet connection is kind of shitty so Googling it wasn’t really an option. Actually, we don’t really know much about him. That show was a little before our time and we weren’t really in the target demographic. Maybe we shouldn’t have included him on this list, but we kind of needed to pad the numbers. We’re sorry.

5. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Homer has been shown to have appreciation for rock music, so he’s got that in his favor. Also, he took his kids to the show’s in-universe version of Lollapalooza, which let’s be honest, most of our dad’s probably wouldn’t have done that for us. Sure he might be quick to anger, and a borderline alcoholic, but at his core, he does legitimately care for his children. He’s already got tinnitus so he won’t really have much to complain about noise-wise. Just make sure he doesn’t find out about drink tickets because, well as we mentioned earlier with borderline alcoholism.

4. Frank Reynolds (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Not only will he be there, he’s probably fronting the money to host the show. Now, before you go giving Frank platitudes for supporting the Philly metal scene, it’s probably that he’s got ulterior motives if footing the bill for this one. Expect to see Wolf Cola being heavily promoted and sketchy bridge people in the crowd. Okay, the latter crowd would probably feel right at home come to think of it. Though, you should probably tell the doorman not to let Pondy in. Either way, don’t expect to get paid for this gig.

3. Jack Geller (Friends)

Yes, with a but. That but being that it only if it were for Ross. Throughout the series, they seemed to indulge his every whim and shortsighted decision to the point that it likely severely stunted his emotional growth and development as an adult. We figure that’s the only reason for Ross’s increasingly bizarre, childish, and selfish behavior throughout the series. Come to think of it, Ross seemed to be a mostly absent Dad for his kid, so maybe we should be asking if he would have gone.

2. Danny Tanner (Full House)

Danny Tanner’s attempts to prove to his kids that he is still their ‘rad, bad, dad’ range from cringe to downright traumatizing. So, as much as you try to fight it, he will be there front-row center, and probably trying to clean your pedal board mid-set due to his undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. At the same time, he seems to have an inability to allow his kids to spread their wings and grow, so there’s a chance he won’t approve of drone metal and force you to quit the band. If that happens, just tell him he doesn’t love you anymore and that you hate him and he’ll cave and no one will really learn anything.

1. Phil Dunphy (Modern Family)

Like it or not, he’s coming. He will wear a band tee, probably make a sign or something, tell everyone there he’s your dad, and then injure himself attempting to stage dive in violation of the venue’s strict policy on that. His attempts to fit in will result in something that will come across as embarrassing at best and extremely racist at worst. The best thing you can do in this situation is take advantage of enthusiasm by getting him to work the merch table or lug all the gear. You can justify this by saying you’re doing it for his own advantage, which likely isn’t far off.

21 Punk Albums Turning 21 That Can Now Legally Buy a Case of PBR for Those Teenagers in Front of 7-Eleven

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

2003 was a prolific year for punk music. The United States’ decision to invade Iraq had been unpopular, particularly among punk musicians, so it was a shock to nobody that this famously anti-government genre had so much to say about George W. Bush. They despised him, his unjust war, his nepo-baby presidency, his tax cuts for the rich, his botched speeches, his civil liberty violations, his…sorry, this isn’t about Bush…

In a way though, every punk album that came out in 2003 owes some of its success to the political climate of the time. Nothing energized early 2000s punks more than politics. The ’90s-era punk albums about skateboarding just didn’t cut it anymore. A proper punk album needed a sound byte of Bush mispronouncing something. It needed a catchy title that said “we don’t support this war.” It maybe needed a caricature of Bush with a clown nose. Yeah, that’ll show him.

The ‘03 punk scene was ultimately unsuccessful in removing George Bush from office or ending the Iraq invasion, but their anger was channeled into one of the best years of the decade for punk music. And these albums all turn 21 this year. So keep an eye out for them while you wait outside 7-11 trying to convince somebody you “lost your I.D at a show.” If you have the patience to listen while they rant about how we never found any weapons of mass destruction, they might help you turn that crisp twenty into an unrefrigerated 12-pack with no change. Anything to prove they’re still cool after all these years.

U.S. Bombs “Covert Action”

If you read a description of U.S. Bombs (formed in Orange County in 1993 and fronted by a professional skater), you would never correctly guess what their music sounded like. This is not skate- or pop-punk. “Covert Action” is pure street punk. It would blend right in with all of the ’80s punk albums that featured a forced British accent regardless of their country of origin.’

The Offspring “Splinter”

After the success of “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy),” The Offspring started a trend with their albums where they would focus almost all of their energy into one or two singles and then fill up another 30 minutes to call it an album. “Hit That” delivers as the token single on this album. “Splinter” is a still decent way to spend 30 minutes of your day, but it’s no “Smash” or “Ixnay On The Hombre.”

Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros “Streetcore”

Joe Strummer was working on this album when he died of a heart attack in 2002. It serves as a fitting goodbye to one of the original punk rockers. A few songs feature first-take vocals, as these were all that was available. If the rawness of Strummer’s vocals on the last song, “Silver and Gold” doesn’t leave you teary-eyed, remove that Clash patch from your vest and pick a new genre to base your personality on.

The Exploited “Fuck the System”

Do you want a good old-fashioned dose of UK hardcore that will leave your pulse elevated and your ears ringing? The Exploited are there for you. “Fuck the System” contains all of the anger and yelling The Exploited were famous for in the ‘80s. If you’d like to see the nearly 70-year-old frontman Wattie Buchan live, the Exploited are currently in the middle of a world tour, 21 years after the release of their most recent album.

Good Riddance “Bound by Ties of Blood and Affection”

When you think of the West Coast punk scene, one of the first places that comes to mind is obviously Santa Cruz, California. Well, maybe not, but this coastal hippie town is a logical home for vegan activist types, and the straight edge hardcore bands they love to form. Good Riddance is all of the above. This album champions activism over nihilism while complaining about politicians to an extent that stands out, even among punks.

Lagwagon “Blaze”

“Blaze” shows that a vocalist doesn’t always need to scream to make a high-energy record. Joey Cape chose to let his lyrics complement the instruments rather than fight against them for our attention. But this is still very clearly a punk album. It’s nice to occasionally take a break from listening to punk singers destroy their vocal cords for our entertainment.

Bouncing Souls “Anchors Aweigh”

This is pop-punk made for suburban bros. It was always playing in that one friend’s car when you were in high school. You enjoyed it but he got really defensive one night when you called the Souls pop-punk and then he didn’t offer to drive for the next several weekends. You should revisit “Anchors Aweigh” when you get the chance. It’s been decades since then. We promise not to tell him that you secretly liked this album too.

Strike Anywhere “Exit English”

This is about as emo-curious as melodic hardcore gets. Choruses designed to be chanted along by crowds. Seamless melodic elements between them. And then those little screamed bits for emphasis that always end up in (parenthesis) when the lyrics are written down. It all seems a bit…emo? But if Strike Anywhere chooses to identify as melodic hardcore, we respect their preference
.

The Briggs “Numbers”

On first listen, you might assume The Briggs were overusing double tracking on the choruses of this album. In reality, you’re hearing brothers Joey and Jason LaRocca share vocal duties. The result is definitely greater than the sum of its parts. If you’re a fan of gruff punk vocals and crowd-chanted choruses, you’ll appreciate the more-is-more approach taken with both on “Numbers”. The brothers also showed us that sometimes the only word you really need for a chorus is “whoa”.

Pennywise “From The Ashes”

If you’ve ever enjoyed any Pennywise album, you’ll like this one too. The only thing that has changed about Pennywise’s sound is the increase in production quality over the last three decades. While the band will likely never have another hit like “Bro Hymn,” that shouldn’t prevent you from enjoying all of the anti-government anger found in tracks such as “God Save the USA.”

AFI “Sing The Sorrow”

AFI fans can be split into distinct groups. They either like AFI’s early hardcore albums and stopped listening when the band went more mainstream, or they had never heard of AFI before “Miss Murder” was on MTV in 2006. This album straddles the line perfectly between AFI’s hardcore roots and pop-friendly later years. Around the same time, Davey Havock’s ever-changing hair began its transformation from clone-of-Danzig to the Flock of Seagulls bangs popular with the kids at the time.

The Suicide Machines “A Match & Some Gasoline”

The Suicide Machines continued to demonstrate that it doesn’t matter how undeniably hardcore your music sounds, there is a magic number of upstrokes that, once they’ve been played on an album, will get you labeled as a ska band. It doesn’t matter that your fantastic album is completely devoid of trombones, the public will still use the dreaded S-word to describe it. Now go stand in the corner next to Operation Ivy and think about the choices you’ve made, Suicide Machines.

Blink-182 “Self-Titled”

You could argue if you want about whether Blink-182’s most “emo” album to date is actually “punk” or not. You could point out that nobody else sounded like Tom DeLonge before Blink-182 because his accent is just some weird affectation that he adopted to sound unique. Or you could turn “I Miss You” all the way up on the drive home from your shitty job at TGI Friday’s and yell “WEH-RARR-YEWW” right along with him.

The Bronx “The Bronx (I)”

The Bronx sounds like the band that would be on stage in an action movie while the main character runs from the cops through a punk venue. This debut album brought the energy of a typical SoCal hardcore group, while making sure to enunciate clearly enough that even a new listener could understand the lyrics. The Bronx would eventually tire of exclusively making punk music and release several albums as “Mariachi El Bronx,” which are worth checking out if you’ve always wanted to hear a punk band sing mariachi.

Dropkick Murphys “Blackout”

Boston natives The Dropkick Murphys returned to prove that most Americans can easily be convinced that every blue-collar Bostonian is an Irish immigrant. This album features fewer covers of traditional Irish songs, instead opting for more original offerings made to sound like traditional Irish songs. The tour around this album was when the era’s punks learned not to look up while every show’s token jackass crowd surfed above them in a utili-kilt.

The Distillers “Coral Fang”

The Distillers released their final album less than four years after their first. Their sound had matured by this time. Gone are the lyrics about political upheaval and revolution, replaced instead by references to suffering, bleeding, hanging, and all the other indicators that a lyricist is kind of going through some shit. Though you would never know it watching singer Brody Dalle live at the time. Dalle actually seems most comfortable when she’s on stage screaming.

Against Me! “As the Eternal Cowboy”

The previous year’s “Reinventing Axl Rose” was a flawless debut for singer Laura Jane Grace, even though every song sounded like a solo act with a backing band added later, because they were. Grace spent the next year in the studio crafting a sound that included 3 other band members from the start, rather than including them as an afterthought for her solo work. This album seamlessly switches between high-energy belting and the still-shouted vocals in Grace’s mellower acoustic songs.

Rancid “Indestructible”

This album was a welcomed return to normalcy after Rancid got a little too experimental in 1998 with “Life Won’t Wait” and tried to overcompensate with an all-hardcore album in 2000. No Rancid show is complete without this album’s sing-along hit “Fall Back Down”. The six years they spent not releasing music after this album have caused fans to think of it as “the new album” to this day, even though Rancid has released four more since this.

Streetlight Manifesto “Everything Goes Numb”

This is the ultimate “hall pass” listen for people who hate ska music. They’re technically a ska-punk band, but this doesn’t feel like the rest of the corny bullshit that plagued the ‘90s. No other band can shoehorn a brass section into punk music in such a satisfyingly forgivable way. “A Moment of Violence,” in particular, will leave you wondering why there aren’t trumpets and saxophones in every punk lineup.

Rise Against “Revolutions Per Minute”

In this list of bands that have almost all been making music since the ‘80s, this album from Rise Against stands out. Their sophomore release shows off singer Tim McIlrath’s vocal range. There are much more screamed vocals here than a typical melodic hardcore production. Lesser vocalists would ruin their voices from trying to keep up with this pace of screaming, but McIlrath would continue to make punk music long enough after this for casual fans to accuse Rise Against of selling out.

NOFX “The War On Errorism”

This followed every rule for early-2000s punk. The songs are loud, fast, and short. The lyrics are all shouted in Fat Mike’s trademark nasally whine. And the cover art! Is that George Bush caricatured with a little clown nose in front of the American flag? Take that you fuckin’ chump! Complaining about the government had been elevated to an art form with Errorism, only for NOFX purists to complain it wasn’t as good as “Punk in Drublic.” It says so much about NOFX that this isn’t considered their best album. The best punk release of 2003 barely cracked the top-3 of their respectable catalog.

Boomer Furious After Having Car Misgendered

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LANSING, Mich. — Local 72-year-old conservative Gerald Wakowski was on the verge of a complete meltdown after a passerby misgendered his coveted ‘77 Ford Mustang, concerned neighbors have reported.

“I never thought the woke mind virus would come to my driveway until this liberal dipshit walked by and had the gall to insinuate my lovey, beloved Pony was a fucking boy. Does anything about the contours of this waxed up beauty make it look like a man?” said Wakowski. “Does this kid think I’d spend 40 years meticulously greasing gears and waxing the hood if I thought it was a dude? Call me old fashioned but back in my day we knew automatics were girls and stick shifts were boys.”

Wakoski’s new neighbor who made the comment was at a loss as to what could possibly trigger such an aggressive response.

“All I said was ‘look at this bad boy’ when I walked past his car, and next thing I know he comes sprinting out of his garage and starts screaming about his car always being a ‘she’ and that he isn’t a fruitcake. It really sounds like he wants to fuck his car,” said Chris Williams. “Even sadder was seeing his wife behind him with her eyes glazed over, like she’s heard him go on this rant more than a few times. I’d be checked out too if my spouse spent all of his free time fondling an inanimate object.”

While Wakowski’s stance on his vehicle’s assigned gender seemed extreme, experts noted that classic car owners are weirdly attached to them.

“Classic and vintage cars are insured and cared for way different from the ones we drive every day, which is probably why their owners develop a symbiotic relationship with them and in some cases treat them better than their own family members. It’s like when people make those creepy dolls and act like they’re real children,” said State Farm agent Julie Smith. “And believe me, our agents have received more than an earful during claims if we don’t use their Firebird’s preferred pronouns. It’s at a point where we have to include language in our contracts stating they can’t claim their cars as dependents.”

As of press time, Wakowski has spent the last 13 hours assigning genders to everything in his garage before kissing his car goodnight.

The Next Criterion Closet? Here’s Our DVD Haul From Goodwill

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s hard to believe it, but we had the privilege to take our picks from the Plymouth, MN Goodwill’s meticulously curated wall of used DVDs. It was overwhelming but we managed to walk away with a tote full of stone-cold classics.

Still Waiting…

The fact that most of the original cast “Waiting” refused to return inadvertently drives home the film’s themes about the cyclical, ever-changing nature of the hospitality industry and life itself.  Plus it has Andy Milonakis rapping, which in the early years of the Obama administration was considered the zenith of comedy.

Nine Copies of Ella Enchanted

A fascinating and underrated fantasy film, it serves as a bridge in Anne Hathaway’s career connecting “The Princess Diaries “and “The Devil Wears Prada”. Even more fascinating is that the checkout clerk insisted we take all of their copies, which we assume will make more room for the ten copies of Ella Enchanted that were just donated.

Matrix Reloaded (Full Screen Version)

Fuck, we mean to get widescreen! God this looks like shit. It’s like watching a movie through a magnifying glass. Why did they bother to create a version like this?

Yoga Booty Ballet: Hip Hop Abs

Swerve Studios’ influential workout videos were like if Kieślowski’s “Three Colours” trilogy was about aerobic-yoga fusion. The third in the series combined the serene fluidity of ballet and the self-discipline of yoga in a manner that looks like your mom trying to exercise after four mimosas at brunch. Five stars.

Pulp Fiction

You haven’t seen Pulp Fiction? It’s easily Tarantino’s best film, nobody was making movies like this in the early 90’s. You should come over and watch it sometime. I swear to God it’s going to change your life. Oh, wait, I just opened the case and there’s a Veggie Tales disc inside. That happens a lot.

Delta Farce

It’s no secret that this homage to Full Metal Jacket completely derailed the career of Larry the Cable Guy. Some critics will tell you they walked out of screenings because it was “mind-numbingly bad”, but you’ll rarely see a more accurate depiction of what kind of people actually make up our armed forces. It’s like “Come and See” but with more fart jokes.

The Bounty Hunter

Wait, Jennifer Aniston is in this? We could’ve sworn it was Katherine Heigel. Maybe we were thinking of “The Ugly Truth” which also has Gerard Butler. Though now that we open the case it says “One for the Money”, in which Heigel is the bounty hunter. Jesus, how many bounty hunter rom coms are there?

24: The Complete Sixth Season (Blue CD-R Variant)

One has to admire the fact someone was able to fit all 24 episodes of season six onto one CD and has its own bespoke cover art (a post-it note shoved inside the plastic sleeve). But despite the fact that it’s clearly ripped from The Pirate Bay and we can only watch it on our computer, it’s easily one of the network counter-terrorism dramas of all time.

Morrissey, Johnny Marr Pretend Not to See Each Other at Grocery Store

Posted on by Tim Graham

MANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each other, sources hoping for an impromptu reunion confirmed.

“I was gobsmacked,” said Mancunian Nigel Atkinson, who was shopping at the time the two rock legends showed up. “There I was, considering tins of kippers, when who should walk down the aisle but Johnny Fucking Marr. And if that weren’t enough, from my other side comes the man himself, Steven Patrick Morrissey. I was hoping to witness a Marr-Moz reconciliation there in my own Tesco. But the two acted as though they didn’t see each other and passed in silence. Gutted, I was. Shame them coupla twats can’t mend fences.”

Guitarist Johnny Marr admits he saw the former Smiths singer in the shop, but purposefully ignored him.

“I’ve given up on the minger,” said Marr while tossing darts at a “Bona Drag” poster. “Each time I extend the olive branch, that obstinate prat dredges up some ancient grievance and sends the whole thing tumbling again. Aye, I saw his royal majesty coming up the aisle with his trolley full of kale. I pretended not to notice him, picked out a jar of brown sauce and moved along. I did catch a nauseating whiff of Brylcreem as I passed, which is a scent I now abhor given the associations I have with it. To hell with him and his wilting pompadour.”

Margaret Dunwich, relationship therapist and author of “Oh Shit, I Think That’s My Ex,” sees parallels between ex-romantic partners and bandmates who split acrimoniously.

“Morrissey and Marr are acting similarly to former lovers: holding grudges, avoiding each other in public and disparaging each other with gossip,” said Dunwich. “My advice to them would be to bury the hatchet. They should meet for a pint and have a cordial chat. Maybe even broach the idea of getting the band back together, eh? In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I am a massive Smiths fan and to see them together on stage again would be the highlight of my dreary life, but I assure you that has nothing to do with my professional opinion.”

At press time, rampant speculation circulated concerning who would show up when Roger Waters and David Gilmour were both invited to Geezer Butler’s annual BBQ.

Every Cake Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Whether you discovered Sacramento, California’s Cake on MTV2 in the grunge, swing, ska and nu-metal-laden ‘90s or on tour with screamo sensation Ben Folds in the late 2010s, we can all agree that you discovered them. The band sounds like no ONE, and we mean no ONE; that may sound like an insult but it is far from it. Over the course of the band’s thirty-plus-year career, they really don’t have too many full-length studio albums, just six, proving that quantity is far more important than quality. Still, we attempted to rank all six from worst to you’re the best around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down, and if you go the distance, you can read each and every word, children and Capricorns. It’s coming down, and she’ll come back to me; it’s all coming back to me now.

6. Showroom of Compassion (2011)

What’s new is always bad and what’s bad is always new… this adage can be applied to your grubby klezmer band named after your cousin’s trapper keeper, but it cannot and should not refer to Cake’s sixth/latest LP as of now known as “Showroom of Compassion.” You want passion, it’s always in fashion! Anyway, Cake’s discography may have some meh songs but the band doesn’t have a bad album; no no no. And, in the Easter egg to end all Easter eggs, the final track on “Showroom of Compassion,” the simply and elegantly named “Italian Guy” clocks in at, wait for it, three minutes and eleven seconds. For the plebs in the room, that’s freaking 311! That number inspired more teen pregnancies than it should have but also didn’t. In closing, this is Cake’s lone independent release because they’re independent men.

Play it again: “Long Time”
Skip it: “What’s Now Is Now”

5. Pressure Chief (2004)

2004 was an incredible year for the world in both politics and music: GW “Nepo Baby Of Babies” Bush became our nation’s vice dictator for the second of two terms, which proved Relient K’s 2004 blockbuster “American Idiot” title track correctly in spades for all Moses’ in Urban Spaces. Dick Cheney may want a word with you, me, and everyone we know. Cake’s fifth album “Pressure Chief” was also released that year of all things years, but other Cornerstone acts sadly superseded it. Still, Cake has a high caloric amount of super fans, all of which are prescribed Ozempic, and “Pressure Chief” won one or more for the Gipper! The band’s last major label release, and literal conglomerate LP to hit stores (remember those?) altogether debuted at an impressive seventeen on the Billboard 200, proving that the Sacramento icons had many in the palm of their hands.

Play it again: “Wheels”
Skip it: “She’ll Hang the Baskets”

4. Motorcade of Generosity (1994)

Rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle up so close: 1994 was the true year that punk rock broke through the mainstream with such blockbuster bands as The Offspring, Green Day, Rancid, and Anal Cunt getting a flurry of radio acclaim. In addition, incredible movies like “Pulp Fiction,” “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Forrest Gump,” and “Citizen Kane” were also released said supernatural year. It’s interesting to note, and we use the word “interesting” to describe an ugly painting, that Cake started their full-length studio album career in the nineteen ninety four with an album that was “interesting” in an interesting way. Yeah. Fun fact: This album was recorded at a place called Pus Cavern. Yeah part 2. Anyway, ardent supporters of desserts, sweets, and vegemite may scoff at this “low” rating, but that’s show business, baby!

Play it again: “Rock ‘n’ Roll Lifestyle”
Skip it: “I Bombed Korea”

3. Comfort Eagle (2001)

Cake’s fourth album is their best album from this century BY FAR and not just because of a short jacket and long skirt, but because the songs are consistent quality-wise, making this LP the first to be mentioned here with nearly zero filler; shadow stab us if you disagree, we will still LOATHE you madly. Deservedly, this album went gold, which during this century is a huge accomplishment, and contains their best song title, albeit not best song, in “Meanwhile, Rick James…”. Speaking of colored awards, single #1 from “Comfort Eagle,” “Shirt Skirt, Long Jacket” went platinum and we ain’t mad about it; nay nay nay. If you have the chance, watch its music video even if you’ve seen it before.

Play it again: “Short Skirt / Long Jacket”
Skip it: “Commissioning a Symphony in C”

2. Prolonging the Magic (1998)

Cake’s third album altogether/last of three ‘90s efforts, contains one of their biggest, if not biggest hit single, at least chart wise, “Never There”; you are never ever there and we are never ever sorry. Also, we posit the supreme and earth-shattering opinion that this album’s opener, “Satan Is My Motor,” is not only the band’s finest opening track (sorry, Nancy Sinatra), but also the best song in their vastly superior sonic catalog; hear our motor caaaall. “You Turn The Screws” is almost as good, and “Sheep Go To Heaven” is the most haunting and gorgeous portrayal of livestock this side of the Mississippi. Back to “Never There”: Its opening line truly sucks you in from the start and the badass riffery/horn lines keep ya guessing/stressing. You may be more of a McNugget than a Copperfield, but this album is for everyone!

Play it again: “Satan Is My Motor”
Skip it: “Cool Blue Reason”

1. Fashion Nugget (1996)

The only “no skip” release of Cake’s career, which is likely your gateway drug to this band, whether you tools are willing to admit it or not, “Fashion Nugget” is an all killer no filler of a sophomore LP, and wins the gold here, whilst Frank Sinatra sings “stormy weather” sans Daniels. The world wasn’t prepared for a mainstream assault of spoken word musings with a trumpet sans upstrokes, but the band was thinking of someone for whom the world still burns, and created a studio album worth surviving for; to quote Kurt Angle, “It’s true! It’s true!” We may get hate for this, but “Fashion Nugget” also contains perhaps, perhaps, perhaps the best lineup of Cake of their career, and that’s all we have to say about that, except it isn’t. In conclusion, friend is a four letter word and we can’t spell and/or speak English good.

Play it again: Frank to waltzes
Skip it: Tank to balding

The Top 20 War on Drugs Songs For Unsolicited Rambling Shroom Stories

Posted on by Tim Sheard

What do dreams, recollections of improv scenes, and stories of drug trips all have in common? Everyone loves hearing them described in great detail! You already came to this baby shower microdosing on magic mushrooms that your friend Zeke brought back from Oregon, and everyone here is sure going to know about it! (Was that really a “microdose” though? You were never great with eyeballing.) That’s right, time to bust out the best stories of your craziest trips. You’re a walking raconteur, a regular goddamn druggy Raymond Carver, dealing out mind-bending stories to anyone within earshot. But whatever you do, do not keep these stories succinct. People need to understand your magical journey! Here are 20 War On Drugs songs to provide the perfect soundtrack. (Listen to the playlist)

“Red Eyes”

Use this song from the 2014 album “Lost in the Dream” as a starting off point, since your eyes are actually bright red from resin-infused pre-rolls, plus irritation from a strange fungus on your couch. Sure, you’ve been smoking spliffs in the driveway and taking gummies since 6 a.m., but you are ready to make this baby shower become electric with tales of staring at wild patterns on pillows or getting lost in laundromats. Then, maybe look into that fungus.

“Living Proof”

In the kitchen line for mimosas, you begin talking to a cousin and the conversation somehow veers to shrooms. You talk about how you’re “living proof” that magic mushrooms make you a more considerate, conscious, open person. You demonstrate the cross-pollination of cranial hemispheres and fusing of sensory streams within your own brain. You explain what a good listener you are with a rambling twenty-minute story, weaving in War on Drugs lyrics, before this cousin fakes a phone call to get away from you.

“Pushing Corn”

When food is served, you get stuck at a glass tray filled with corn casserole. You begin swirling the casserole into mandala formations, complex symbols laced into the crust. Ancient symbols that speak to you. An impatient line forms behind you. Be sure to apologize and tell the quick story of a beach shroom trip six years back when you threw messages in a bottle from a pier, only to receive a littering ticket from a police officer that you could’ve sworn was actually Aaliyah dressed as Inspector Gadget.

“Lost in the Dream”

Oh man, we’ve all been there. There was that one time you took too many caps and wound up in city hall, crying at the mayor’s door, escorted out by hands that felt like tentacles around your lithe, twisted body. You try telling this story to some of the next door neighbors, whispering in short bursts, but they look away, hoping for any reason to stop talking with you. That’s alright, hum this song aloud to yourself while you open the fridge looking for orange juice.

“A Needle In Your Eye #16”

You find the expecting couple and discuss all of the sedatives to come, how you avoid any injections, opting for “au natural.” Parents-to-be love uninvited advice! Use this song from the debut 2008 War on Drugs album “Wagonwheel Blues” to illustrate your point. When you suggest a baggy of shrooms as an alternative, the expectant mother balks at the suggestion, as does the father (while later discreetly asking for a hookup in the hallway). Make a note to bring a clandestine strong tea brew next time you see him – this will certainly make the quiet, very easy process of bringing home a newborn much more fascinating.

“Holding On”

The mellow buzz of the microdose should be setting in. You grab the armrests of your seat. Isn’t that a pleasant texture? What is this fine sensation? There is a conversation with family members going on around you, discussion of local schools, before you loudly interject with “I like to take it with peanut butter. This one time in Yosemite we tried shrooms with Slim Jims cuz that’s all Mikey had and that was disgusting. Ugh!” Everyone nods, and you laugh, feeling your sense of self expanding and reverberating into the chair.

“Burning”

Shrooms always make you want a cigarette, so you go to the side of the house where some teenagers are quietly vaping. They suspiciously eye you and you try to get on their level: “You kids wanna hear a delulu story? This one time, I was on shrooms in Walgreens, and I got kicked out for vaping in the pharmacy. That place has no rizz! But point is, I thought I saw Adam Granduciel, from War on Drugs, inside the store. Turns out it was just another pharmacist so my bad, I guess. Pretty cool story, huh? Right?” Laugh to yourself and admire the shrubbery lining the fence as the teens slowly back away.

“Buenos Aires Beach”

As work friends of the host discuss vacation plans, use this as a reason to discuss your profound trip experience on a Mendocino beach. “The sand, it was talking to me. I call this day ‘My Personal Awakening.’ I realize that we are all one, all just repeating this cycle of human cruelty, when all we should do is love openly and cherish each other’s company.” Look deeply into the avoidant eyes of everyone around you, your eyes welling with tears, just happy to be in their presence.

“Pain”

Find someone else at the baby shower, another inward-seeking soul, and tell them about your scariest shroom trips. There was that you accidentally got locked in a friend’s room. Hours alone in the dark, everyone outside in the hall laughing. Faces stirring in the shadows, a crumpled sweatshirt on a chair frowning at you, fabric housing a thousand demons and secrets between the weaves. Breathing felt like daggers inside your chest. As the stranger comforts you, put some of the cheese from the charcuterie board in your pocket. No one’s eating that brie, so it’s technically fair game. Brie travels well in pockets, right?

“Under the Pressure”

Go outside for some breathing room, maybe into the front yard where you can interact with strangers. Leave the house, walk down the street, pull your necktie away from your neck – the international symbol for “I sure am under pressure!” Aren’t we all, though? Everyone with their private lives, difficult stories and personal battles. “It’s such a rich wonderful world,” you think to yourself. If anyone walks by, tell them stories about more fun tripping stories from Coachella, or about that time you rewatched all of “The Good Wife” three times over a period of months, or how you spent hours laughing at daisies just this past weekend. Riveting anecdotes.

“Baby Missiles”

You are fully in a different part of the neighborhood. A sudden flash in your periphery scares you before you realize it’s just a crow. You see a city worker fixing a stoplight, launching into a long story about seeing things that aren’t there. “The material moves,” you explain. “Like a world beneath this world, invisible beings, echos of phantoms, all from bad trips, man. That batch a few months back was poison, no good,” you explain, offering caps of brown gnarled shrooms to the man in a high-visibility vest and hardhat. He explains he’s on the job, but takes your number just in case.

“Change”

You walk downtown listening to their 2021 album “A Deeper Understanding” on headphones, now shedding your jacket (“hot, so hot, too hot” you mutter to yourself). Suddenly, you realize there is a giant CVS full of people ready to hear your fantastic stories. The automatic doors open and you smile at the security guard, asking him if he has had any “fun trips lately.” He begins to talk about a recent vacation to Barbados, clearly misunderstanding you. Either way, you have a vivid kaleidoscopic conversation with this man that you will never forget. Or at least until you come down.

“The History of Plastic”

As you walk down the soap product aisle listening to this song from the sophomore War on Drugs album, 2011’s “Slave Ambient,” you reflect on how much plastic is thrown out on any given day. You consider all of the microplastics inside of us. You see an elderly couple and say too loudly, “Ah, far less microplastics in you two. It’s lead and asbestos you gotta worry about, right?” They look on confusingly as you discuss the merits of glass jars versus plastic bags for storing shrooms. Once again you are misunderstood, as discussion of shitake versus portobello is prompted from the old man.

“Disappearing”

Hide in the aisles and whisper your most fun shroom trip experiences to anyone walking by. Mothers love when you prompt a discussion on drugs with their children, especially when every sentence is punctuated with, “It’s a real groovy time, man.” Hell, why not open up some of the probiotics capsules and hand those out to people in the store? As you are escorted out, explain the importance of the gut-brain connection.

“Wasted”

This place has changed, man. Once the CVS was a welcome center of people ready for conversation. Now you see a cavernous, monstrous, unwelcoming death factory. You stare at the shaking, quaking building, laughing at a hilarious family of shopping carts in front of you. Suddenly it all seems so sad and you have the most amazing cry of your life while sitting on a public fountain.

“Clean Living”

No more shrooms. That’s it. You decide right there, this is the last trip. For this month, at least. You go into a Jamba Juice (that’s right, you still call it by the original name, fuck the corporate Jamba lingo) and begin explaining how much better your shrooms trips are now that you’ve been going out to the desert. “No one knows your pain in nature, no one can hear the torture in your soul,” you explain to a high-schooler behind the counter just trying to get through a shift.

“Eyes to the Wind”

Remembering that since you actually caught a ride to the baby shower, you need to head back to the house, now with a better understanding of not only this suburban section of town, but the inexhaustible wonders of life itself. You reflect on the memories made. You’re a different man as you enter the baby shower, now being cleaned up by family members. The party is over, you’ve somehow been gone for five hours.

“Up All Night”

The kind hosting couple waits with you as an Uber arrives. You quietly play this song from the fourth War on Drugs album, 2017’s “A Deeper Understanding,” from your phone. Use this as a chance to tell yet another wild shroom trip story, this time about breaking into a museum and possible involvement in an arson case at a rugby stadium while living abroad. You ask if there are any leftovers to take home before being distracted by a pleasant design on the napkins.

“I Don’t Live Here Anymore (feat. Lucia)”

And suddenly you’re a stranger, riding through the city at night, talking at length to an exhausted Uber driver that clearly wants to listen to Christian radio and be left alone. Instead, you tell him enthralling stories about how much your hand changes while on shrooms. “It’s like my fingers are having a civil war, like my thumb is waking up from a nightmare,” you explain to the driver, driving extra fast to end this ride.

“Strangest Thing”

And suddenly, you’re back home again. Whoa. How does this even work? What is this rat race we call life? How does anyone go anywhere and come back as the same person? You look at your cat and ponder the meaning of existence while throwing on a War on Drugs vinyl. Time to take a few more caps and just relax into the night. Tomorrow holds a new world of strangers, waiting to hear your shroom stories!

Listen to the playlist:

Photo by Sputniktilt

Woman Jealous of Cat’s Health Insurance

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LOS ANGELES – Local millennial woman, Jane Torrio was left stunned and envious after discovering how much easier, effective, and better her cat’s health insurance was compared to her own, similarly frustrated sources confirmed.

“When Pickles started having a weird cough, I put off calling her Vet for weeks—which is exactly what I do when I get sick,” said Torrio. “When I called to make an appointment they said we could come in the next day. This blew me away because when I had strep throat, which the internet says can spread to your brain and turn you into a zombie, my doctor said they could ‘fit me in’ in four fucking weeks. To top it off, Pickle’s Vet office confirmed in one simple sentence that her visit was fully covered under insurance that I forget I even pay for, that’s how little it costs. I might try to take advantage of this and ask the Vet if any of the animal vaccines work on humans because my insurance company says they don’t cover preventative care.”

Veterinarian, Dr. Lee Schneider says a lot of pet parents find themselves wishing they had such comprehensive care.

“My practice has been noticing an interesting trend where a lot of owners will bring their perfectly healthy pets in with pretty bizarre ailments. I had one patient brought in because they ate mistletoe….in July? And upon realizing the pet is perfectly fine the owner will usually ask me to inspect an irregular mole on their backside ‘since they’re here anyway’ or they’ll just stick out their tongue unprompted. And ask if it looks okay?” said Dr. Schnieder. “Just yesterday I was called for a pet emergency that included a 34-year-old woman with IBS.”

Karen Stone, a California State Senator says it’s her personal mission to make sure pets all over this country have the best healthcare possible.

“I want to ensure every whisker, wagging tail, and saggy nipple is in good health in this great country. No pet should have to go without care in this country,” said Senator Stone. “With that said, I believe Medicare for All or any similar Obamacare-type dupes are bad for America. Our country supports lazy people enough as it is and to assume that we have the resources to pay for all your health bills is frankly insulting. But a happy pet makes a happy owner and happy people aren’t as sick. Which is why I know my mission to focus on pet healthcare will have ripple effects in the community.”

At press time, Torrio reported that Pickles was given medication for ADHD and anxiety and that she’s already been feeling much better.

Opinion: Things Need to Go Back to an Idealized Fictional Version of How They Never Were (Guest Column by Your Brother-in-Law)

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Let’s be honest: the ‘50s were the best time in America. And yeah I know what you’re gonna say, so before you get all pissy, no, I’m not talking about segregation. That was bad. Obviously. And no, I’m not talking about the lack of women’s rights. Obviously, I love women. Especially the hot ones. My mother is a woman, and so is my sister, so I’m pretty much an expert on the female experience. But this country has changed for the worse over the past 70 years. Something has changed, something I can’t really put my finger on. Or say out loud. Because all I want is for America to be how she should be: Literally whatever I want.

America is and always has been perfect. Other than the government, big cities, and the fact I can’t afford my diabetes medication. But other than that, it’s perfect. I will lose my shit if you criticize the red, white, and blue. And while technically when I complain about the things, I am also criticizing it, that’s different. Because I’m me and I’m a real American and I saw these things out of love, a love so deep that it’s almost scary. And no, I don’t mean anything racist by “real American” but also please don’t ask me to define it.

I’m part of a dying breed. Real, rugged men. I would defend this country with my life, despite evidence to the contrary, such as the fact that I never joined the military during the multiple wars that have happened in my lifetime. But just saying that I would, makes me a true patriot.

Back in the day, men were men. And women were women. And because I have done no research I can only assume that up until about 1995, nobody was gay, trans, or anything else that I don’t understand. Please don’t tell anyone those things scare me. Because then, due to my lack of emotional intelligence or maturity, I will threaten violence. Which of course I will barely be able to follow through on, as my combative training consists of watching lots of MMA videos alone when I’m sauced. I’m just thankful I have my guns.

And finally, I wanna go back to when real country, not Beyonce, was on the radio. Back when we knew what country music was: pop songs about shitty parties in the woods sung by someone who, sure if we’re gonna be honest, isn’t from the south and doesn’t actually have an accent, but serves up that drawl thicker than the women I harass on Instagram.

That’s the America that I miss because it never really existed. And I want to live in it again, for the first time. Again.

Ruby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 Million

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.

“Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got rid of the wallpaper, painted over the graffiti, and used the place to store my collection of Victorian-Era furniture for the last 20 years. But I realized it’s time to move on, and I’m happy to see a good monetary return from all the time I put into the place.”

Neighbors admitted they were upset with Davis for letting her apartment go for such a small amount.

“I’ve owned an apartment in that building since the 1970s. The city paid me $400 a month to live there for years because the neighborhood was so bad. Thankfully, things turned around and I’ve been able to rent it out for $12k a month to a Russian oligarch while his daughter goes to NYU,” said landlord Russ Kehoe. “I wouldn’t let this thing go for less than $6 million. Ruby selling her apartment for so cheap is a slap in the face to all the hard-working property owners of this city. Well, I don’t actually live in ‘the city’ anymore. I’ve been living in Florida since 2006.”

The apartment was bought by a real estate investment firm that plans to convert the 800-square-foot apartment into five luxury micro units.

“We plan on blocking off the natural light from the bay window and using LED panels to mimic daylight in each unit. These micro apartments will be outfitted with all the amenities you need. Like a single burner hot plate, a micro-fridge that can hold up to two cans of sparkling water, and enough space for you to stand up and turn around comfortably without getting stuck between the walls,” said developer Leslie Holcomb. “Also, the floor doubles as a mattress, so if you are less than six feet tall, then you can lay down and almost extend your legs fully. Plus, the shared bathroom located at a Starbucks three blocks away is perfect for when you want a coffee right after brushing your teeth.”

At press time, the apartment featured in the Rancid video for “Time Bomb” will reportedly be the new home of a John Varvatos luxury retail store.