Every “Mad Men” Character Ranked by Their Likelihood of Having an Affair With My Wife

Posted on by Dan Rice

I can no longer stay in denial—my wife Tiffany is keeping something from me. All the signs are there. She’s been distant and withdrawn. She takes her phone with her to the bathroom. She reeks of Lucky Strike cigarettes and she’s been letting casual racism fly left and right. It’s all too clear that my wife is having an affair with one of the characters from the critically acclaimed program “Mad Men.”

Figuring out which fictional prestige TV character my very real wife is having sex with is no small undertaking. Luckily, I’m currently in the middle of a manic episode, so I’ve been able to put in the work and crunch the numbers. Here are the “Mad Men” characters I’ve narrowed it down to ranked by the likelihood that they’re the culprit:

45. Trudy Campbell

Jesus, what am I talking about? My angel from heaven would never hurt me like this. Trudy, I mean. My wife is definitely fucking around.

44. Lou Avery

I don’t care how drunk and vengeful she was feeling, there’s no way my wife would let this hack loser lay a finger on her without immediately hanging herself the following morning, scouts honor.

43. Salvatore Romano

He’s funny, he’s charming and he should probably be higher on this list. However, my wife is not exactly his type, if you catch my meaning. You know, because she’s not Italian.

42. Bert Cooper

Bert Cooper gets hard for two things—shoeless feet and Ayn Rand. My wife is self conscious about her bunions and has never even been to Russia.

41. Joan Holloway

There’s no way someone could land Joanie and not brag about it to everyone, even the husband whose heart they’re breaking.

40. Abe Drexler

A lateral move at best. She’s already got a terrible partner full of social rage at home.

39. John Mathis

This twerp butchered Don’s best joke, he would for sure strike out with my overly critical emasculating battle axe of a wife.

38. Greg Harris

My wife has taken self-defense classes every Thursday for the last 5 years. That’s a lot of time, money, and effort for a piece of shit like Greg to lay a hand on her with his windpipe intact.

37. Bobbie Barrett

I find it highly unlikely that my real-life wife is having an affair with the fictional wife and manager of the fictional comedian Jimmy Barrett. She seems happy lately, and that’s not the effect Bobbie has on people.

36. Lois Sadler

Impossible. Didn’t you see the sparks between her and Sal?

35. Jane Sterling

Can’t rule it out. My wife has expressed interest in women and LSD.

34. Francine Hanson

She would seduce my wife just to be able to spread the gossip that my wife is having an affair.

33. Meredith

Meredith and my wife? No. I don’t think so. I feel like I would have heard about that.

32. Jimmy Barrett

At best he cried in the corner watching her get it on with his wife.

31. Paul Kinsey

If my wife wanted to fuck some egotistical hack who writes “Star Trek” fan fic she would just keep sleeping with me.

30. Ida Blankenship

Sure, she was placed as Don’s secretary specifically to stop him from fucking his secretaries, but I’m not ruling her out. Let us not forget that according to Roger she was “The Queen of Perversions of the highest order” back in her heyday. Could she be taking up her old hellcat lifestyle with my beloved wife? I did find a Werther’s Original in her purse last week.

29. Stan Rizzo

Do I think my wife has a secret relationship with Stan that started as purely antagonistic and blossomed into a genuine friendship until one day they both realized they’d been in love with each other the whole time? That depends, does he still have the beard?

28. Duck Phillips

He can’t hold his liquor, but he did once manage to wrestle Peggy’s loyalty away from Don. I got my eye on you, Duck.

27. Glen Bishop

No, my wife is not a pedophile, but as “Mad Men’s” own Betty and Glen have taught us, a grown woman is completely capable of emotionally cheating with a child. I can’t prove it, but I think she cut a clump out of her hair…

26. Michael Ginsberg

If my wife could suss out the sane from the insane she never would have married me in the first place. Anyone who can pitch an unsolicited Jaguar tag to Don and nail it definitely has what it takes to charm my intensely frustrated, clearly looking-for-the-door wife.

Pages: 1 2

New Jersey Hardcore Band Cancels National Tour After Realizing They Have to Pump Own Gas

Posted on by Zac Lux

TRENTON, N.J. — New Jersey hardcore band Bust In canceled their first tour outside of New Jersey after realizing they don’t know how to pump their own gas, sources close to the musicians confirmed.

“This just shows proves what Springsteen has been saying all along, New Jersey is the best fucking state in the world,” said frontman Gord Wilmont. “Forcing the common people to get out of their cozy car on a brisk fall day just to pump their own gas and get all stunk up by the fumes that smother any scent of the pumpkin spice latte you just picked up from Starbucks is inhuman. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not afraid to pump my own gas, and I actually do know how to do it. I just choose not to, because I don’t want to take part in ripping jobs away from hard-working people who want to pump my gas. It’s unbelievable that so many sheeple blindly follow along and pump their own gas. What a bunch of conformists.”

This isn’t the first time a band from New Jersey has canceled a tour due to vehicular constraints.

“I’d say this happens with about 98% of the bands from Jersey,” said Trent Gazo, a booking agent who works with multiple national acts. “They whine and whine about wanting to build their audience by going on tour, but as soon as they’re forced to reconcile with leaving the state for the first time in their lives, they run and cower in some greasy spoon diner to drown their fears in milkshakes and disco fries. It’s sad, really. But, for many, the decision to live in Jersey was a deliberate one, giving them a baked-in excuse because they’re too lazy to actually go out and tour.”

Some think NJHC bands’ resistance to tour nationally is actually fueling oil companies’ larger agenda.

“From a finance POV, we’re hoping there’s enough kickback from New Jersey Hardcore bands, that this can reach a legislative level,” said Joseph Kim, CEO of Sunoco Corporation, “The more NJHC bands that complain about not knowing how to pump their own gas, the more leverage we have to take this to the supreme court and make it a law that every station across the country needs to be staffed by a worker who may or may not overcharge the driver for gas by squirting out a couples squeezes on the asphalt.”

At press time, Sunoco representatives were too busy talking with lobbyists to squander the New Jersey Department of Education in an effort to get an earlier start on diminishing students’ fluency in pumping their own gas.

Is America Ready for a President Who Can Convert a Word Document to a PDF?

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

America’s expectations for its leaders have always been low. We’ve had presidents who needed help with basic tech, and we were okay with it. But now, we face a terrifying prospect: a leader who might know how to convert a Word document to a PDF.

In 2024, Kamala Harris has the potential to be the first president with this ability, reportedly mastering PDF conversion by typing “pdf” into Microsoft Word’s search bar. Is this progress? Or is it a slippery slope toward a future where our leaders are expected to perform basic tasks without passing the buck to those with less status and wealth?

PDF conversion has eluded each of our previous presidents in the digital age. Bill Clinton was president when PDFs were invented in 1993, but when a junior staffer brought up this new file type, he asked her, “Does that stand for ‘pretty damn fine’… like how you’re looking right now?” That was the end of any serious tech conversation during his term.

With his youthful, tech-savvy vibe, many assumed that Barack Obama knew this stuff. But when pressed about how to convert file types, he responded, “What do I look like, some kinda fuckin’ nerd?” His honesty was refreshing. After all, converting a file shouldn’t be the president’s job. That is what interns are for. (Recent surveys show 90% of interns’ work hours are spent combining, condensing, and converting documents in a way that doesn’t crash the aging government servers.)

Let’s remember what’s really at stake here: the intern-to-advisor pipeline. This sacred institution has molded countless young, wide-eyed college students into seasoned political operatives, making six figures based solely on their ability to click “File” and then “Save As PDF.” If a president starts handling this themselves, what’s next? Will the interns have to pivot to writing macros in Excel? It’s a slippery slope that could disrupt not just the economy, but the very fabric of American democracy.

So, the question remains if America is ready for a president who can operate thirty-year-old software. Maybe some mysteries are better left unsolved—at least by those in the Oval Office. The future might be coming, but does it really need to arrive in PDF form?

Woman Who Lost Entire Wallet Considers Elaborate Identity Theft Scheme to Avoid Calling Banks and the DMV

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local woman Andrea Wellson is reportedly considering a risky and in-depth plan to commit identity theft to spare herself from having to go to the DMV after losing her driver’s license, sources confirmed.

“I lost my entire fucking wallet last week,” said a visibly frazzled and manic Wellson. “There is no way in hell I’m about to go through the hassle of replacing every single credit card, every single piece of identification in there–I’d rather actually die. Have you ever been to the DMV around here? I can’t do that. It’s probably way easier for me to plumb the depths of the Dark Web to concoct and execute a very elaborate identity theft grift. I’m thinking the best way to start is to start making AI-generated robocalls to old people. Or like, rich or evil old people, just to make it a little more palatable, ethically speaking.”

Wellson’s partner, Julia Ion, weighed in on her potential schemes.

“The only reason I’m not dumping her immediately is because I know at the end of the day, I’ll just physically drag her to the DMV and take her out for a coffee after, and it’ll be fine,” lamented Ion. “But Jesus fucking Christ, this is the fourth replacement license she’s had this year alone. I don’t know how many more insane gambits she can come up with before she realizes she just needs to buy a goddamn wallet chain.”

A spokesman from the FBI provided critical expert insight into situations like Wellson’s.

“Now I’m not sure what I’m legally allowed to share, but I will say this: the number-one cause of identity theft isn’t anything like blatant monetary greed or other malicious motivators by petty criminals, no. It’s actually people like Ms. Wellson who just really, really don’t want to deal with bureaucracy,” said Special Agent Dane Collier. “There is truly no motivator like avoiding an hours-long line and filling out paperwork. The only reason we haven’t addressed this phenomenon more publicly is because honestly, we kind of get where these would-be thieves are coming from.”

At press time, Ion was seen purchasing Wellson a set of Apple AirTags for her upcoming birthday.

15 Music Video Tie Ins To Remind You That You Failed At Both Your Music Dreams And Your Film Dreams

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

When you were a starry-eyed youth, you thought you could do everything. You could be a rockstar or even the next Speilberg. We all know how that went. Let us look back at when music and films formed the perfect marriage in music video tie-ins to remind you of two failed dreams at once.

Prince “Batdance”
Batman 

Tim Burton’s Batman film was absolutely groundbreaking. Then the studios brought in musical genius Prince to form his own personality with the intellectual property in a spectacular 7 minutes. Great costumes, great choreography, overall a great note to end the ‘80s on. Tim Burton was barely 30 when he made this let alone on his 3rd big hit, what’s your excuse?

Devo “Doctor Detroit”
Doctor Detroit

You really can’t go wrong when it comes to Devo. Why didn’t you ever commit to a Devo act? Despite this Dan Aykroyd flick not being a memorable one, Devo goes out of their way to incorporate the movie perfectly into their unique style of video effects and music. And hey, Dan Aykroyd made this movie which is more than you can say.

U2 “Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me”
Batman Forever

Oh, uh another Batman one. Despite your feelings on U2 or “Batman Forever,” there’s no doubt this is a great music video. Bono and friends are animated to look just like a classic Batman comic book. Becoming a successful graphic novelist is also something you could have done.

Smashing Pumpkins “The End Is The Beginning Is The End”
Batman And Robin

Okay, a third Batman one. Kind of a weird choice to do a non-Batman one then three Batman music videos in a row. Billy Corgan flies around in Batman’s CGI head. Pretty cool. When is the last time you did something remotely cool? Back in college? That was 17 years ago big dog.

Seal “Kiss From A Rose”
Batman Forever

Are you serious? Four Batman videos are on this list? And didn’t we just do “Batman Forever”? Great song though. Video is not much to write home about. Perhaps if you stuck to your film aspirations you could’ve given it more zazz.

Digital Underground “Same Song”
Nothing But Trouble

Finally, we’re back on track. Some very ‘90s choices of culture costumes aside, Digital Underground does a great job capturing the style of the Dan Aykroyd classic. This is also the first single to feature 2pac. Must’ve been nice for Tupac to get this big break…

Dan Aykroyd & Tom Hanks “City Of Crime”
Dragnet

Tom Hanks raps with Dan Aykroyd in this- Wait a minute… “Dr. Detroit,” “Nothing But Trouble,” “Dragnet”… are these Dan Akyroyd choices on purpose?

The Elwood Blues Revue “Land of 1000 Dances”
The Great Outdoors

So just to be clear, this list is Aykroyd-Batman-Batman-Batman-Batman-Aykroyd-Aykroyd- Aykroyd? I’m just trying to rub it in your face about your failed dreams but now I’m distracted by whoever chose the songs for this list.

Paul McCartney “Spies Like Us”
Spies Like Us

At one point Paul McCartney rips his mask off to reveal he’s who else? Sigh… You guessed it, Dan Aykroyd. Hey, at least “Ghostbusters” will probably be on this list soon. “Ghostbusters” was a comedic and special effects anomaly that really inspired you as a kid to be creative. I doubt you ever saw “Spies Like Us.” Also remember when you first learned how to play a Beatles song on guitar?

Siouxsie and The Banshees “Face To Face”
Batman Returns

Now we’re back to a Batman music video. The crossover with “Batman Returns” is much more subtle than the other music videos much like how “Batman Returns” is a much more subtle Batman movie. You read lots of books about how to create subtle symbolism in your art but nothing happened from that. This has to be the last Batman one, right?

Memphisto Odessey “Crash”
Batman Beyond Return Of The Joker

Fitting band for an early 2000s cyberpunk Batman. Wayne Static Appears with his giant hair gelled into Bat ears. Wayne Static expressed himself with his hair in ways you never could. But maybe you could get into hats now. Ever thought about being a hat guy?

Avenged Sevenfold “Bat Country”
Batman Begins

A forgotten cross-promotion from the Chris Nolan reboot. Did you know that the 2016 film “Suicide Squad” had like 7 music video tie ins? I’m not making that up. Unfortunately they’re not Batman focused enough to include here.

Art Of Noise “Dragnet”
Dragnet

Okay back to the Ayk man with “Dragnet” I guess. This one is very similar to the Devo one and that is meant as a compliment. It’s very creative and 4th wall breaking just like the films you never got around to making. Dan Akryoyd sure has attached himself to a lot of great work. It shows what happens when you commit to something.

Beldar & Prymaat “Conehead Love”
Coneheads

Oh look, Aykroyd is rapping with Jane Curtin this time. Not gonna lie this kinda slaps. There’s only one music video left on this list. It better be “Ghostbusters”. There can’t be any more Batman or Aykroyd music videos that can be chosen. Now let’s get to busting!

LL Cool J “Deepest Blue”
Deep Blue Sea

His hat is like a shark’s fin.

New Study Reveals 92.5 The Scorpion Is Not the Only Station That Rocks

Posted on by Kyle Donley

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A new study from Arizona State University revealed that local radio station 92.5 The Scorpion has not been the only one that rocks, despite their bold on-air claims of such, stunned sources confirmed.

“In fact, we’ve discovered a good 237 other FM stations in the area that rock equivalently or even slightly more so in some cases,” said airwave radio scientist Radha Unjit after performing a basic litmus test to confirm their findings. “Our study concluded that the Scorpion has played the likes of Hoobastank and Nickelback, so the bar was set rather low. If the station is able to up their game and throw in some Alice In Chains or even the radio-friendly Metallica stuff, empirical evidence points to them actually turning the corner and rocking. In conclusion, these guys are lying sacks of shit.”

Disgraced 92.5 Scorpion DJ Jax Orlando shared his thoughts on the controversial research.

“The station managers give us the playlist and we pop it on. Blame them for us playing wall-to-wall Puddle of Mudd,” said Orlando who was forced to put on Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal” for the third time this hour against his will. “We have a community of listeners that are hurting and we want to hear from them. And give them the opportunity to win tickets to see Trapt at the Brickstone Lodge on October 3rd. The seventh caller will win a pair of tickets to the show. Unfortunately, we’re still waiting for our first caller on that.”

Understandably, the news has rocked local residents of the area.

“Any time I started to lose signal I would just turn the radio off and drive in silence because I only listen to alternative rock and thought that was the only radio station in the country that played that kind of music,” said Chad Radcliffe, a local vacuum cleaner repairman. “So the fact that this whole time I could have been listening to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ elsewhere followed by whatever music Papa Roach is making now, all while driving across county lines is upsetting. But I guess you just can’t believe everything you hear on the radio these days.”

At press time, researchers were quick to start a new study to reveal whether the station was, in fact, our nation’s “Home of the Rock.”

Opinion: If This Office is Truly Like a Family, How Come I Get Called into HR Every Time I Verbally Abuse Someone

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

You know what really pisses me off? When some lifeless, faceless corporation uses the whole “we’re like a family” thing to sell their sense of “culture” to prospective employees. Listen, like most people I know, I saw this as an open invitation to verbally abuse, gaslight, mistreat, and humiliate my way into the kind of working environment that I’m allegedly supposed to be emulating.

But apparently if you berate Linda from accounting for her obvious alcoholism and poke fun at her weight in an effort to “make her feel at home,” you get called to HR before you can even make Derek cry at the holiday potluck when you passive-aggressively suggest that his buffalo chicken dip is a carbon copy of the version that you saw on Allrecipes so everybody knows he’s a fucking fraud whose incapable of thinking for himself.

I don’t get it. If this workplace really had the family environment it’s boasting, then how come every time I lock myself in the bathroom and say “This time I’m really going to fucking do it” after every single perceived slight from my peers or management, I’m given a pamphlet about the benefits of our employee mental health assistance program? Since when is any self-respecting authority figure supposed to be interested in my well-being?

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but team-building exercises, like most family outings, are supposed to involve bringing up that time a certain someone peed themselves on the haunted hayride because nobody took their request for a bathroom break seriously. And now you’re telling me that not only are bathroom breaks encouraged, but actually mandatory every 90 minutes? Casual humiliation about traumatic events that become core memories of resentment is supposed to be a part of the process, and if I can’t get my jabs in, then what’s the point of even returning to the office?

Instead, I keep hearing this bullshit about “a healthy collaborative environment where you feel comfortable in your own skin,” which makes absolutely no sense. If you really want me to feel like I belong here, then promise me you’ll take me out for ice cream after the company softball game, and leave me standing in the rain for 3 hours because your old college friend is in town and you forgot to pick me up.

Guitar Enters Wall Decoration Phase

Posted on by Zac Lux

ATLANTA — The well-played guitar of local man Cody Marksen entered its next chapter as a wall decoration in his suburban condo, sources actively searching for a “Reservoir Dogs” poster confirmed.

“One day I woke up and it was just… there,” said Marksen, the former guitar player of Atlanta hardcore band Incitement. “I remember playing some backyard pig roast show with bonfires and dirtbikes, pretty sure I jumped through a table that was covered in gasoline. The next morning I woke up to it on the wall and my wife was dragging me to a wedding I’d forgotten about. Now I’ve gotten used to having it up there and don’t have the heart to take it down. The guitar became a statement piece for the living room. It’s very chic, I love it.”

The new phase of the guitar’s life hasn’t only affected Marksen’s career in music, but it’s starting to take a toll on his relationship too.

“One of the things I really loved about him was how talented he was,” said Hannah Slovak, Marksen’s wife of 7 years. “He could headwalk 13 people deep and still keep playing the heaviest breakdown you’ve ever heard. Now he’s started obsessing about which of his old passions pair with Millennial Gray, he’s up all night just comparing paint swatches to old guitars and even replica skateboards. It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been finding myself with wandering eyes for these greasy dudes in shitty butt-rock cover bands at the dive bar near us. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss being married to a band guy. If this keeps up I bet he’ll start wearing sweater vests or some shit.”

The living room wall being a tomb adorned by old creative relics isn’t a new concept. It’s been a common practice in interior design and home decor for generations.

“We set aside about 40% of our budget for non-used instruments and creative pursuits, specifically,” said Stefon Lurchsin, interior decorator, “Vintage guitars, harps, baby-grand pianos, you name it. They’re quite useful for providing a feeling of creative integrity within the space, and artistic mystique of the owners, however hollow, while also supporting the flow of the room itself. I tell ya, for how well they tie everything together, vintage Jazzmasters are the new rugs.”

At press time, Marksen was too busy tactfully hanging old skateboards on the wall to comment further.

Photo by Matt MacDonald.

Every Cryptopsy Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Cryptopsy’s music is what people who hate metal think of when they hear the phrase “death metal.” It’s chaotic and techy, can feel out of control, and often their lyrics are about violence and gore and other stuff that’s cool on paper and scary in real life. The band is fun, although they might not want people to think that. I don’t know. Metal bands are weird. Sometimes it’s all “we’re so mysterious and evil” but at other points, they’re just folks having a good time. And for a band that unfortunately has the word “Crypto” in their name, Cryptopsy is actually a lot of fun. So sit back, remember you will never be as good of a drummer as Flo and join as while we rank the Cryptopsy discography.

8. The Unspoken King (2008)

This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows the band. Were this not put out by a legendary death metal band, it would just fade into the large pile of bland late-00’s deathcore albums. Because that’s what it is. The clean vocals are painful, but I guess the rest of the album is done adequately, even the *sigh* keyboards. But it’s just not what we want from Cryptopsy. Maroon 5 have enough talent in their band that they could probably put out a semi-decent hardcore record. But does anyone want that? No. Wait. Actually maybe? Come to think of it, just for the novelty, that would highly entertaining. However, nobody wanted this.

Play it again: Don’t.
Skip it: Correct.

7. Self-Titled (2012)

The return to form following “The Unspoken King,” the band’s self-titled album is like when you make regular mac and cheese after an ill-advised attempt at making it with all sorts of weird shit like broccoli and hot dogs and whatnot. It’s nice to get back to the OG vibe, but it’s still gonna take you a second to get your palate back to normal. Because that Trader Joe’s Sriracha is fine, but it sure as shit ain’t Huy Fong, so now everything tastes a little off. And while the internet says you can’t burn off your taste buds, it certainly feels like you did.

Play it again: “Shag Harbour’s Visitors,” and “Two-Pond Torch”
Skip it: “Ominous”

6. Once Was Not (2005)

Aside from the absolute ass production, Lord Worm’s return to the band is essentially when you hang out with your buddies from back in the day and it goes… ok. It’s not awful. We were all worried Steve was gonna talk about high school too much. But he only brought it up once or twice. And like, Ben is definitely in a cult, right? But he was pretty chill. Also Matt became crazy conservative, I think? But he never brought up politics, so that’s cool. And I think Lee is an anarchist now, which is tight. So honestly, considering how this could’ve gone, it’s pretty good. Not the best time, but definitely not the worst.

Play it again: “Carrionshine,” and “Adeste Infidelis”
Skip it: “Luminum,” and “The End”

5. As Gomorrah Burns (2023)

Is this the best Cryptopsy can do? No. Are there enough noodle parts? No. Is the production a little slick? Yes. But this album feels like a big step in the right direction. Essentially this is the “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” of Cryptopsy albums. It feels like it’s maybe a revitalization of where the band can go. This current iteration hasn’t quite hit “Rogue Nation” quality and nothing has gotten close to “Fallout.” But overall it does feel like in the next decade we might get some Henry Cavill with a mustache-level of shred from this band, and everybody wants that. We all want the mustache.

Play it again: “Ill Ender,” “Praise the Filth,” and “Lascivious Undivine”
Skip it: “In Abeyance” is a popular song, but we don’t get it.

4. …And Then You’ll Beg (2000)

This album gets shit on, but shouldn’t. This is one of those albums that had any crossover band put this out in 2000, the scene would’ve lost their fucking minds. But because a “metal” band did, lots of folks thought it wasn’t heavy enough, and found it too “hardcorey” or “jazzy” or “good.” This album makes me wish that if the band truly felt the need to branch out on “The Unspoken King” they had done so in a more Dillinger Escape Plan-type of way. Because this album is noodley as fuck, and we love it. As a sidenote, this album also gets exponentially better when you begin to realize that vocals kinda sound like Sweetums, the Muppet.

Play it again: “Voice of Unreason,” “…and Then It Passes,” and “Soar and Envision Sore Vision”
Skip it: “Screams Go Unheard” is a good song, but while the 2:15 intro sets a mood, it goes on 2 minutes too long.

3. Blasphemy Made Flesh (1994)

This album is goofy as fuck. The production is great. And by that, of course we mean the band understands that one of the most important instruments in metal is the bass. Because the bass is TURNED THE FUCK UP on this album. And all it makes us think is: why aren’t other bands turning that bass up? There are elements to this album that have a Sigh-esque Muppet quality to them. Which you gotta know is a compliment. And yeah, that’s two albums in a row with Muppet references. This shit is weird and silly and scary and chaotic. While it isn’t their best album it’s definitely one we come back to quite a bit.

Play it again: “Defenestration,” “Born Headless,” and “Abigor”
Skip it: no skips

2. Whisper Supremacy (1998)

A possible controversial take to put this at number 2 and not “Blasphemy Made Flesh.” But the reality is: this is a great album. As with “…And Then You’ll Beg” the vocals take a little adjustment to get used to, but only if you’re expecting Lord Worm. Because once you actually embrace the vocals, it’s hard to imagine Worm on this album. Like when your favorite pizza place starts adding a bit of Parmigianno-Reggiano to their pies. It gonna take a moment to get adjusted. You’re just so used to it being simply mozzarella, sauce, and dough. And now there’s just a slight kick from the parm. It’s great. But you need a sec. Change can be hard, buddy. But just know that regardless of me moving out, your mom and I love you very much, and nothing is gonna change that.

Play it again: “Cold Hate Warm Blood,” “Depth You’ve Fallen,” and “Emaciate.”
Skip it: no skips

1. None So Vile (1996)

This is the one. It’s got everything you want. All the vitamins and minerals. There are times when Lord Worm flat-out sounds like he was listening to a different album in the studio. I mean there are moments when my man has NO rhythm. His vocals on this album are like the dream when you have to play a show and get on stage and then realize you don’t know any of the songs. You might nail some parts. But mostly you’re just hoping you’re not yelling when the song ends. The thing is.. he crushes it. Lord Worm’s performance is no small part of this number-one ranking. This shit is wildly entertaining. It feels like at any moment the wheels are gonna come off, or the band is gonna stop and say “This is just TOO nuts, right? It’s 1998. The world ain’t ready for this.” But the world was. And Is. And always shall be. Amen.

Play it again: whole thing
Skip it: the fuck did you say?

Progressive Bank Robbers Would Like to Start Holdup with Land Acknowledgement

Posted on by Livy Berry

DENVER — A group of left-leaning bank robbers decided to start a recent holdup by acknowledging the crime they were committing was happening on land stolen from Indigenous people, confirmed sources who agree that it is becoming more and more important to recognize our crimes of the past.

“Alright, nobody try to be a hero,” lead robber Jacob Hartley said. “But before we get this started, I’d just like to acknowledge that we are in fact on native land, and everything we have here is because of a genocide that happened years ago. With this in mind, it is our duty now to all agree to treat this land and its inhabitants as mindfully and respectfully as possible, please raise your hands if you agree. Now everybody get on the fucking ground or I’ll blow your fucking brains all over the wall!”

This simple, yet meaningful gesture was enough to catch the attention of even the hostages, despite having much more pressing matters to focus on.

“I thought it was just brilliant!” said Sandra Anders, a particularly wealthy-looking white hostage. “It really speaks to their characters that they would take the time to do something like this. Really, that is what our society needs more of! I myself try to be as inclusive as possible with the minority and lower-class children at my sons’ private school. I just wish my kids could be here now to see such incredible role models at work.”

While this act received much praise, there were some people who were not happy with this progressive attitude.

“I just don’t understand why this woke shit has gotta be everywhere these days!” Exclaimed Judd Daniels, somebody’s uncle, waiting just on the other side of the police tape. “Can’t we just get fucking on with it? Now listen, I’m perfectly fine with the Indians, but do we really have to be apologizing to them all the time? It’s not like I killed their grandparents! They seem fine! They’ve got their spaces, we’ve got ours, whatever! When is the SWAT team headed in? That’s when this shit gets good!”

At press time, Hartley was seen wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt before burglarizing a Black-owned business.