SARASOTA, Fla. – Local 71-year-old Steve Mills made multiple strong arguments against the use of QR code menus while trying to order the Sunshine State Super Special at Mitzy’s Diner early yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.
“God dammit, I just want to hold a paper menu,” said the typically disagreeable, but this time correct, baby boomer. “If I wanted to take out my phone and take a picture, I’d go to my grandson’s christening, but I’m here instead, so just let me have a physical menu where I can easily see the pricing and sides! Donald Trump should really make this part of his platform. I’m just glad the young people are coming around to see how right I am about things. I think they’d also agree with my stances on movies in theaters having subtitles, dogs being walked without a leash, and abortion.”
A table of nearby Zoomers who overheard the complaints found themselves shocked to be in complete agreement.
“Damn, old dude’s got a point,” remarked recent college graduate and avocado toast enthusiast Kamau Jenkins. “He was saying a bunch of vile, racist shit, but then I heard him talking about QR code menus being ‘an unnecessary barrier to entry for dining’ and my head started nodding along. He’s got a pretty good point. I shouldn’t need to download a fucking PDF in order to get food. Apparently the system that existed for hundreds of years is not good enough. Has technology gotten to the point that it’s hurting us more than helping us? I’m kind of scared. Does this mean I’m going to start voting Republican?”
The entire scene was witnessed by the restaurant manager, who cursed loudly and dashed back into the kitchen.
“They’re finally waking up to my devious machinations,” said the mustache-twirling manager, donning a large top hat. “There’s nothing that makes my blood boil more than easy access to our food offerings and prices. I even switched over to metal QR codes to make it functionally impossible to scan the menu unless someone else uses their phone flashlight on it. You think I want people to eat at my establishment without jumping through hoops? Of course not! Eating should not be simple, it should be a baffling ordeal. And this intergenerational teamup could throw a spanner in my plans.”
At press time, the restaurant ejected the patrons for requesting a clear breakdown of the prices of draft beers.
There are no bad Dead Milkmen albums. Actually I take that back – there is this one and maybe the next one on this list, but I’ll figure that out once I get to it. The point is that “Stoney’s Extra Stout (Pig)” just does not feel like anyone involved in its creation had any investment in its content and certainly didn’t enjoy working on it. But hey, for a band as prolific as Dead Milkmen, it’s probably acceptable to have one stinker on the roster. Now, let’s move on to the next one to see how it holds up.
No, never mind. This one’s bad too. In the band’s defense, it’s gotta be tough to come back 15 years later without your outstanding bass player ( R.I.P Dave Blood) and knock it out of the park on the first swing. So we’re gonna give this one a pass for quality, but all of you should probably give it a pass for listening.
“Metaphysical Graffiti” is a letdown for sure. After a string of A+ albums the band was bound to fumble at some point, and that point is this one. It follows the same path as many previous efforts but just doesn’t do it very well, sort of like being drunk on a camping trip and trying to find your way back to the tent after throwing up in the communal cooler. That’s the feeling of this whole record – a bad job cooler puke.
“Not Richard, But Dick” feels predominantly uninspired. It’s far from the worst the Dead Milkmen ever gave us but overall feels like the band were never able to make the record stand out in any way. Though the energy of a Dead Milkmen record is present, the normally satirical vision of the band is not. In other words, much like the record’s title it insists you call it by a name though it’s your natural inclination not to.
“Pretty Music For Pretty People” (or “PM For the PP” as we’ve just decided to start calling it) is a decent, if mostly forgettable record, so much so that we’re willing to bet that more than a few of you are only just now learning that it exists. But “PM For the PP” still does a fine job of taking the tried and true Dead Milkmen formula for writing satirical lyrics overtop of “what the fuck is this shit?” instrumentation to make for a relatively enjoyable listening experience which you will near-immediately put out of your mind.
Okay, so right around this point in the ranking is where we start to get some really great albums that seem to be far too low in the list for how good they are until you step back and consider that this band has just made a lot of really great records and that this in no way takes away from the quality and staying power of the ones ranked slightly lower and that if this record has some sort of special meaning to you then just remember that this is not a personal affront it’s just how we decided to rank them and you know fucking what just go ahead and reorder the next four or five however the fuck you would prefer for all we care cause it doesn’t change a goddamn thing. Anyways, “Eat Your Paisley”: pretty damn good record.
This is one of those records that, the first time you hear it, doesn’t feel like it makes a strong impression. But then you listen to it again… and again… and again… and again, and for some reason you can’t quite figure out why but it just keeps drawing you back in. And one day you just realize it’s your new favorite record and you kind of just have to accept that fact. Maybe it’s because this is a Joe Jack-heavy record or maybe it’s the more traditionally focused songwriting but “Soul Rotation” is a highly underrated Dead Milkmen album.
“Big Lizard In My Backyard” is an apt title for this record as the metaphor we’d most closely associate with it is that of the “big fish in a small pond.” The album shows great promise in the band’s songwriting capabilities and their drive to hone a unique voice, but so much of the record still lingers in the confines of three-chord punk rock structure. In other words, it’s impressive at a glance but the band doesn’t really hit their stride until that lizard busts the fuck outta that backyard.
No Dead Milkmen albums are great because they give you exactly what you expect from them. If you want to see how those albums fare we’d recommend scrolling back up to, oh, let’s say 9th place and be reminded of what we said about those. “Bucky Fellini” is certainly not what you would have expected from the band at the time, but that is a major part of why it makes you want to keep listening. With the inclusion of a Daniel Johnston cover and the satirically depressing yet catchy “Watching Scotty Die” this album more than deserves to be in the number 3 spot.
Maybe it’s because it’s fresh in our minds or maybe it’s the fistful of adderall we took after lunch but we absolutely love this record. Not as though we needed proof that the Dead Milkmen could still write a remarkably well crafted, satirically interesting and yet still danceable record in their later years, but all the same we have the artifact now regardless. “Quaker City Quiet Pills” blends some of the best elements of every era of Milkmen with a few new hooks thrown in for good measure.
It took the band a few years but they finally hit their apex with “Beelzebubba.” The exact right combination between snooty and intellectual, between thrashing punk chords and delicately written songs. Fuck, “Punk Rock Girl” is so good that you willingly bothered to learn things about the city of Philadelphia to enjoy it more. That’s a record with staying power. If you’re a fan of the Dead Milkmen but haven’t listened to them in a while, go back and put this record from front to back. We can pretty much guarantee you won’t skip a second of this album after you’ve started it.
Mac V2 is a cross between Miracle Alien Cookies and another strain of unknown origin. Though fairly potent, it is both uplifting and relaxing and doesn’t inhibit focus as much as most strains in its class, making MAC V2 Ideal for both daytime and nighttime use. Be warned, however—this strain is just too well-balanced and euphoric to truly maximize your anxiety while watching “The Bear.” While Carmy would approve of the strain’s tantalizing citrus and pepper notes, it won’t cause you so much stress that you have to remind yourself to breathe, separating you significantly from the main character and the overall spirit of “The Bear.”
It’s one of the most well-known strains in the world, so you would think the knowledge that you shouldn’t smoke a joint of this shit to your face before throwing on “The Bear” would have gotten around by now. Well if it did, we missed the memo. Wait, Lionel is still working on the donut? What is he doing?! Dude, they are going to MURDER you, are you serious? Lionel, come on man, snap out of it! No don’t show him now! Not now! Oh fuck. Oh fuck.
Runtz has skyrocketed in popularity over the last few years, and it’s not hard to see why! With its sugary fruit flavor profile and euphoric, uplifting high you’ll be saying “Yes chef!” to just about everything. While many users claim this strain helps manage their anxiety, the top reported negative effect is anxiety, so it’s a bit of a dice roll. There’s a chance you maintain enough of a good vibe to be entertained by the drama of Berzatto and co, or there’s a chance you wind up starting a kitchen fire in your sleep. Let it rip!
This classic sativa dominant’s balanced high, bringing both cerebral stimulation and deep body relaxation, will trick you into thinking you’re on solid enough ground to handle 30 minutes of Chicago kitchen stress. The sweet berry aroma gives way to a delightful pine after finish and oh fuck Richie is going for his gun what the fuck is going to happen?! When paired with the “Fishes” episode Blue Dream can produce a powerful feedback loop of every trauma you’ve experienced or embarrassing thing you’ve said at a family function from the age of 10 to the present, and you’ll spend hours wondering if it will ever be over. Users may also experience dry mouth.
This sweet yet tart indica is known for its powerful sedative effects, so why am I letting a 4th episode of “The Bear” play? It’s 2:30 in the morning, and this shit is making me insane. I’m starting to get too anxious about the stress dreams binging this show is going to give me, so I guess I’ll keep watching it to stay awake? This feels like the beginning of a terrible spiral Chef.
One of the most legendary sativa strains of all time, Jack Herer’s earthy pine-scented nugs will energize your synapses and prime you for some extremely triggering kitchen drama. You’ll be hearing those pre-order tickets print long after the credits roll when you watch “The Bear” with ole Jack.
Cousin, this strain is the real deal! Let me tell you, I really really did not need “the real deal” right now! They knocked down all the walls?! They have black mold?! And everyone is just like “Oh well let’s truck along”?! After everything that’s happened, this late in the game, they just throw “Let’s rebuild the building” on top of the heap, how is anyone functioning under these circumstances? They’re all about to pop right? They’re all just going to burst like balloons one by one, any second. Whoops, clenched my fist so hard it drew a little blood.
Is this the right move for Sydney? I’ve never really questioned it till now but yeah, this restaurant is a huge risk, and Carmy doesn’t really seem to be holding up his end right now. Like has this show actually been about her trusting the wrong people and burning out this whole time? Is that the kind of track my life is on? God my coworkers steal my energy so much, that’s why I’m so stressed just watching a TV show. What if I’m the one making things suck though? I gotta get my head straight. Start working out. I should write that down in my notes app, right now—”Start working out.” Oh, weird, it looks like I already did that two weeks ago. Jesus. Oh my god, that ravioli looks so fucking good!
Don’t let its classification as a hybrid fool you. Gorilla Glue derives its name from the fact that it can induce some of the most intense couch lock you’ve ever felt in your life, and, fuck, you left the remote over on the chair. Oh man, “The Bear” seemed like a good idea 2 bong rips ago but now you’re not so sure. Eh, screw it. You can handle this. It’s a hit TV show for God’s sake. It’s technically a comedy! Oh my god, it’s so stressful. Oh my fucking god I forgot what working in a kitchen is like oh my god it’s so fucking stressful oh my god oh my god oh my god…
Well, this is one of the most aptly named strains we’ve ever tried because our pulse has gone supersonic! Our budtender said this strain was good for anxiety, did they mean causing it? If you want the true feeling of being locked in that walk-in with Carmie, muttering away the only good thing in your life while helplessly listening to everything you’ve built descend into chaos, Gary is here to take you to the paint.
