Halloween is almost here and that doesn’t mean a damn thing to me, because every moment in my rundown slum of an apartment is a waking nightmare.
I swear I’m just about ready to kill Landlord Jim, my negligent exploitative corporate shill property manager, who actually insists on being called “Landlord Jim.” The only thing stopping me is the fact that for going on 4 months now I can’t get him to step foot in this place to address a single one of the many, many issues that could cause my apartment to go up like a pile of tinder at any second.
At this point, I think I would be better off living in a haunted house from a horror movie. I don’t know anyone who’s been killed by a ghost. Black mold killed my uncle and two dudes I went to school with, I’ll take my chances. I did a little browsing on IMDB and compiled the top 30 prospects that have to be better than living in this dump.
30. The Grudge (2004)
Well, okay, no, I would not trade up for the house from “The Grudge,” ya got me there. Ghost kids are a hard limit. They are at best annoying and at worst the most terrifying thing you can possibly imagine.
29. Paranormal Activity (2007)
I could deal with 24-hour surveillance, being dragged out of bed and possessed by demonic entities, I could even deal with all of my Ouija boards catching fire, but I could never live with a dude as annoying as Micah. Katie, you may be a conduit for unearthly evil, but you can do better.
28. 1408 (2007)
That’s right, “The Shining” isn’t the only Stephen King adaptation about a haunted hotel. The twist is that this time, the movie sucks absolute balls. Still, it’s probably better than living in this shithole. You don’t need to be a professional debunker to dispel the myth that this building is up to code.
27. Hellhouse LLC (2015)
In this movie, a haunted house builder ignores increasingly ominous signs that the hotel he’s setting up shop in houses a malignant entity. Sort of reminds me of the blinders I put on signing my lease. “Hmmm, are those rodent droppings on the floor? Nah, couldn’t be, there’s too much of it everywhere!” Still, the Hellhouse crew has a few hours of fun before all hell breaks loose, which is more than I’ve ever had in this apartment.
26. The Amityville Horror (1979)
The rent is surprisingly cheap. And I don’t even have a sister so there wouldn’t be any of those creepy shenanigans from part 2 going on. Besides, a demonic voice telling me to “Get out” from time to time is better than just having that voice in my head 24/7.
25. The Legend of Hell House (1973)
You get paid by an eccentric millionaire to live at the Belasco House, a goddamn mansion mind you, provided that you try and discover proof of the afterlife. Let’s compare that to my place where I’m shilling out $1050 a month with nothing included to live in a broken-down roach trap that has scarred off three roommates in half a year without a single supernatural incident.
24. The Evil Dead (1981)
Yeah, things didn’t work out so great for Ash and his friends, but all you need to do to enjoy your stay at the Evil Dead cabin is avoid reading from The Necronomicon. To enjoy my stay in this place, I need to avoid reading the service date on the furnace, the replacement dates on the carbon monoxide detectors, signs of criminal activity from previous tenants, signs of criminal activity from my current neighbors, signs of various pest infestation, any article about black mold, lead paint or asbestos, any social media post from friends who own their own homes, and a lease I must have signed in a fugue state.
23. The Woman in Black (2012)
They didn’t really have electricity or running water back then, but I barely have those things now. The water is brown every other day and the lights go out every few hours, which according to Landlord Jim is “probably because of something you did.”
22. Spookies (1986)
What a delightful mess of a movie. The house in “Spookies” is basically a nonsense parade of every conceivable horror, including basement fart monsters. I’d still rather deal with them than the constant war with my septic tank.
21. The Shining (1980)
It seems like if you’re living at The Overlook Hotel and you don’t have a family to murder, you’re just partying with a bunch of ghosts the whole time! I’ve done worse than blowjob bear.
20. The House By the Cemetery (1981)
I would honestly rather live in any Fulci movie than my current apartment because at least that way I would have no idea what’s going on. Here, I am too aware. The one thing my apartment is great at is acoustic resonance. Every roach, every rodent scamper, every mysterious creak and violent argument next door, I have to contend with all of them every night and sleep an average of an hour and a half.
19. The Uninvited (1944)
This movie is credited with being one of the first in the genre to explicitly make it clear that the strange happenings were supernatural in nature. Meanwhile, I’m stuck here still wondering if Landlord Jim is real or a figment of my imagination. A real person wouldn’t yell at me for saying there’s no hot water, right?
18. Sinister (2012)
Dude found one cursed tape from a previous tenant, big deal. I’ve found suicide notes, bondage gear, syringes, a fucking gun, and a human femur. That was all just in one closet.
17. House on Haunted Hill (1959)
I would rather deal with Vincent Price at his absolute “Masque of Red Death” worst than my sociopath class traitor scumbag landlord on the best day of his shitty empty life.
16. The Haunting (1963)
Pretty sure all the scary activity in this house turns out to be in one lady’s head. If only. Last week my neighbor tried setting his dog on fire, then when the cops came he tried blaming me.
Let’s start at the beginning with a sad truth regarding ardent and deliberate movement towards a veiny yet healthy neck: There is a reason why The Spill Canvas’ debut studio album isn’t on Spotify or Apple Music, and it isn’t because said LP is too good for such inclusion. The Spill Canvas formed as a solo acoustic act in 2001, and released “Go for the Jugular” just one short year later, but it didn’t attack attack too many in or outside of the bear laden jungle, and if we could write this in Joe Exotic’s blood, the night will truly go as follows so on and so forth. Sigh of sighs; we’re literally watering down now. Still, this LP debuted the title track from its follow-up record that likely brought you to this piece, “Sunsets and Car Crashes,” so it ain’t ALL that bad.
The Spill Canvas signed with Pure Noise Records, the hot hot hot label that brought you The Story So Far, State Champs, Action/Adventure, and Mariah “Hardcore Like Henry Rollins” Carey, and released their first LP in nine years, “Conduit”. Was it worth the wait? We’ll tell you: yes. But this LP left a tad tad tad more to be desired, considering how incredible the next five to be mentioned are. Features from notable acts are cool, as Sherri DuPree Bemis of Eisley can sing better than most, and Nathan Hussey of All Get Out rocks harder than gallons of calendars, so “Conduit” is worth your attention for these two rockers’ inclusions, and the other eight songs that will please even the least miscreant of you trolls reading.
The Spill Canvas’ fifth album “Formalities” is not only in the fifth album slot here, which is not a coincidence unless it is, but said LP is also the act’s last major label release. However, the band sure went out with a bang in 2010, which was an underrated year for rock and roll with notable yet underappreciated releases from TSC peers like Jimmy Eat World’s “Invented,” My Chemical Romance’s “Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys,” Weezer’s “Hurley,” and Rick Ross’ “Teflon Don”; bad graces, good influence. 2010 was also a solid touring year for The Spill Canvas as well, as they hit the road that summer with alternative icons Goo Goo Dolls, Christian rock but not Christian rock but Christian rockers Switchfoot, a band you likely never heard of but possibly have called Paper Lions, and American Idol, err, idol, Fantasia Barrino.
“Gestalt” is unhappily the one that got away: The Spill Canvas’ first post-major label release, “Gestalt,” which includes a top ten TSC song known as “Chemicals,” should’ve been switched order wise with “Formalities,” and the band may have still been on a major label today. Internal or external sabotage? We’ll never know, as this easily the band’s most superior LP from 2012, infinity, and beyond; we’re very much so firm believers in this record, which could’ve had far more parallels with non-Warped Tour peers in its vicinity, making more money for all involved in its creation, utilization, medication, and fornication. Still, we have no justification but that poo poo face Kathleen’s involvement in “Gestalt” being the catalyst for a way too delayed subsequent release. Our meds must need a pharmaceutical update, so we’ll throw our current batch off a cliff via a hotter than hot and rodder than rod circuit.
The Spill Canvas’ fantastic sophomore studio LP, and debut full-length album for One Eleven Records, an indie label with a distribution deal via Warner Bros. Records, then-home to The Reign of Kindo, Rory, Foreverinmotion, and 5 Seconds of Summer, should be number one below, right? Let us know your misguided mantras 3658 times in the comments, even though you caterpillars know that you will never turn into butterflies. Furthermore, we bet Nick Thomas and Landon Hell, Bryce Job, Evan Pharmaklis, and Andrea Bocelli, all respectfully agree with our sterling take, and disagree with your evil souls, that while “Sunsets & Car Crashes” set the stage for the rest of TSC’s career, the next two LPs are just better in terms of production, lyrics, melodies and caloric content.
As you likely know, but admittedly, sincerely, and truthfully you should be more than extremely, financially, and rectally aware of, especially now in the tricky SJW virtue signaling scary as sin year of our lord known as 2023, and certainly the year of TRL FOB MCR A7X Sean Lennon Warped Tour called 2005: Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore, so by such magical mantra and so much more, there are no “skip it” tracks for this one (fell swoop), and the winning entry below, “No Really, I’m Fine,” which was their major label debut; sincerely, “One Fell Swoop” should’ve been bigger than any Ne-Yo LP. Fans in the US of A certainly noticed this one, as it debuted at number twenty-nine on Billboard’s Top Heatseekers and at an incredible number forty-seven via the Top Independent Albums. In closing, “Lust A Prima Vista” is the band’s best song. One. Bold. Opinion.
Here’s a catchy as COVID-19 right this very moment lullaby during the violent and bright red battle of your regularly scheduled work day that will cause you and everyone you know to bleed all over yourselves, staining your white Minor Threat crew neck: Yeah, this one is a looker, but we really think it’s guts that matter most, so “No Really, I’m Fine,” The Spill Canvas’ fourth full-length LP, is clearly the gold medal winner here. This effort is also the band’s first album to debut on the actual Billboard 200 at 143, but we will go down swinging in any battle, war, BJJ fight, or Mario Kart 8 Deluxe 8 Game on Nintendo Switch saying that it should’ve at the very least done such in the not so thrilling but slightly more notable #142 position. (The) Truth: Saved, so hush hush.
Given Cotton’s traditional-to-the-point-of-being offensive outlook on most things, chances are he would be appalled by goth culture if he even had the chance to see it. We’d be surprised if there wasn’t a cut episode of “King of the Hill” in which Cotton throws his entire body through the window of a Hot Topic before berating the cashier over their use of eyeliner.
It goes without saying that Bug has hidden a lot of things from the people closest to him. We don’t think a gothic lifestyle is one of them, however. In fact, we can’t be sure his rodeo show hasn’t included at least one Depeche Mode routine, and he performs that shit in front of hundreds daily. If you asked him if he had a goth phase in his youth, he’d probably respond with some flippant claim that he invented the entire subculture.
A lot of people think that Clark Peters has a ponytail, but it’s actually a pinned back Devil Lock. He died it blonde because unlike conventional goths, Clark likes to pave his own path. Many academic journals point to Clark Peter’s role on the show as a turning point in the quest to dispel many inaccurate goth stereotypes. Yes, he is a goth. Yes, he likes to burn things. No, he is not some sheep that will bow down to traditional aesthetics for the sake of conformity. We’re getting off the rails here, but the point is, Clark Peters’ goth phase isn’t closeted, it’s revolutionary.
Gilbert is basically already a goth, save for his garish suits. He lives in an old-ass and literally gothic house, hides in darkly lit rooms while chain smoking and always has some morose commentary about everything he sees. The only thing he’s hiding is judgment over your outfit and life choices, we imagine.
Did you know that Boomhauer regularly talks about his love of industrial rock legends Nine Inch Nails throughout the entirety of the series? Most overlook this because of his unintelligible speaking voice. Were you also aware that the black tee shirt he regularly wears is an homage to his gothic past. Boomhauer, though often misunderstood, holds no shame about this aspect of his personality and wears his black heart on his sleeve.
Look, we’re not saying Lucky never had a goth phase, but there’s no way he’d be bashful about it if he did. If My Chemical Romance were around in his youth, you bet your ass he’d proudly dress head to toe in black and sulk around the box office the day tickets went on sale for one of their shows.
Much like her son, Gilbert, Bill’s aunt Esme is a total weirdo with an absolute aura of goth fuckery. Though she carries herself with an air that would never stoop so low as to call it a full-on phase, most would agree that being a spooky old widow in a giant old house with a coven of other widows is every goth’s dream. It’s just too on the nose to rank her higher.
The only reason Kleehammer isn’t dead last is due to the fact that no one knows his first name, which is admittedly pretty goth. His angered attitude might suggest a secret life begging to be seen and acknowledged, but his proclivity to athletics makes that hidden characteristic highly unlikely to be gothic in nature.
Joe Jack is a functioning alcoholic divorcee. With no questions asked, he dressed as a baby for the short-lived Propaniacs and seemingly had no regrets about making a fool of himself in the process. He’s definitely considered the goth path at least once, honey, but there’s no way he’d try to hide it.
While ‘Pops’ does a phenomenal job of reminding the middle-aged characters of their own mortality and impending deaths, there’s nothing about him that really screams ‘secret goth.’ While alive, he spent the majority of his time complaining about his neighbor’s punk band, so he’s a narc to boot.
We’re not sure what kind of personality GH would possess, having only just met him a handful of years before the show ended. It’s possible he grew into a post-wave dark-arts loving adult, but we just can’t be certain how hidden this attribute would be if true.
Buddha Sack is just a little too outgoing to be a goth. It’s simply not conceivable that he would be found in such a subdued subculture even in secret. Perhaps he would give it a shot to gather more material for his stand-up sets, but one would assume his jovial spirit would blow his cover sooner than later.
Peggy will try anything once. She also doesn’t make it a secret when she attempts anything. If Peggy ever has a goth phase, which is pretty likely, she’ll likely be writing about a thousand musings a day about it. Our personal favorite: “They say the Sun is not God, but his Noblest image, which is why I, Peggy Hill, a Goth, stay far, far away from it.”
It’s not likely you’ll catch Topsy sobbing to Joy Division and then blaming his red eyes on allergies, but he does like to freak people out with that weird thing he does with his cheeks. That’s at least goth adjacent, so we’ll rank him a bit higher here.
Leanne once stabbed her husband with a fork, so points there. Still, her brief love affair with Bill was cut short due to her disgust with his toe fungus. A legitimate goth would probably be fascinated with that and maybe even try to use his foot dirt for spells or some shit. Pass.
First of all, Octavio is the most Elder Goth name we’ve ever heard in our lives. Judging by his large Rob Zombie tattoo, there’s no doubt this guy isn’t at least a rivethead. Still, in an effort to flirt with Luanne, he once tried to pretend that the aforementioned tattoo is a likeness of Jesus. We’re pretty sure that would immediately catch a real goth on fire, or at the very least get them excommunicated from the community.
The MF allegedly stands for ‘my friend,’ which isn’t very outwardly goth in our book. Still, Thatherton is a fucking snake who will play whatever role is necessary to keep himself in the black. We could absolutely see him pretending to be a goth in an effort to sell propane to Elysium or any other Texas EDM club.
Buckley has a lot of the trappings of your typical goth persona. He’s shy, rides a moped, wears the same shirt every day, and barely utters more than one word at a time. Still, he came back as an angel after his death in one episode, and not even a horrifying biblically accurate one, so he’s nearly out of the running here.
There’s a lot we don’t know about Boomhauer’s long-lost brother Patch other than the fact that he has poor impulse control and is easily tricked. If he had a goth phase, we’d likely have no way of knowing about it, but given his general secrecy, we can’t rule it out.
Lane Pratley once pretended to be a devout Christian to get into Luanne’s pool-side Bible Study with the hopes of wooing her, so we’re pretty sure he’s donned eyeliner and bought a Siouxie and the Banshees record for similar reasons.
If John Redcorn’s fictional band, Big Mountain Fudgecake, existed in the real world, you can be almost certain that they would be opening for, and soon headlining the next Ghost tour. While Redcorn is no stranger to keeping aspects of his life hidden, he is less than withholding about his goth proclivity.
