20. Buck Strickland
Many know that Buck Strickland poached Hank Hill for his propane business after buying a pair of jeans from him at a clothing store. Few, however, are aware that Buck took that pair of Jordache pants straight home, rit-dyed them black, attached multiple weird straps and buckles down both legs, and danced to Soft Cell in them for 48 hours straight.
19. Stinky
Not much is known about Stinky. He has very few lines in the show, and just kind of gloms onto Cotton’s group of old war buddies without contributing much besides sulking. Sound familiar? If we’re describing one of your friends, they may have a secret goth problem.
18. Cane Skretteburg
If there’s anything we’ve learned from the never ending war between punks and goths, it’s that all punks wish they had the courage to switch sides. Cane might act like he exclusively listens to Black Flag, but we know he secretly listens to The Cure when his bandmates head home. Also, his character is voiced by Green Day’s Tre Cool, who as we all know is desperately caught between both worlds.
17. Kahn Souphanousinphone
Kahn doesn’t do anything that he can’t brag about and shove people’s faces into, so it’s not likely he does anything in secret. The time he tried karaoke without telling anybody, he got such a big head it almost ruined his entire life. If Kahn were to have a goth phase, he’d likely be all too proud to let everyone on the block know he already scored VIP tickets to next year’s Cruel World Fest, and that he’s flying first-class on an airline his neighbors can’t afford.
16. Principal Moss
They say those that can’t do, teach. They also say that those who have given up all their hopes and dreams in life become middle school principals. On the outside, Carl Moss may appear to be a defeated and depressed middle-aged man, just watching the days go by. On the inside, however, Moss is a very defeated and depressed middle-aged man watching the needle spin on his favorite Bauhaus record, just trying to keep the tears inside.
15. Elizabeth “Miz Liz” Strickland
Unbridled horniness. Check. A creepy air of mystique. Check. A general lack of business knowledge but an incredible passion for revenge. Double check. “Miz Liz” likely wouldn’t flaunt her gothness in unknown company, but she’s definitely been around that dark block once or twice.
14. Bobby Hill
Bobby absolutely lives a double life as a goth. He’s sensitive and he’ll follow any trend that allows him to dress in any manner not considered ‘normal.’ He definitely wouldn’t want Hank to know about his collection of animal skulls and teeth that were scavenged rather than hunted, giving him a pretty high ranking here.
13. Doc Platter
Father to Peggy and hero to Hank, Doc Platter has a quiet, pensive, and almost depressed aura surrounding him at all times. Sure, he’s a bit too country and probably doesn’t own a single black item of clothing, but we’re pretty sure his entire life would change if someone gave him a copy of ‘Disintegration.’
12. Randy Miller
Randy Miller is a total fucking nerd and he often rats his friends out for not following the rules. This makes him a perfect candidate to gatekeep a small but thriving goth community. Because their group charter demands anonymity, we would have no way of knowing about this phase of his life unless someone snitches.
11. Enrique
When we first meet Enrique, he is a soft-spoken chain smoker who mostly hides away from attention. That all changed around mid-series when he became the loudest person in the room at all times. Sudden personality shifts are known to hide deeper goings on. While we have no evidence to support it, most outwardly happy and gregarious people are concealing something more sinister. In Enrique’s case, that something is a profound interest in the dark arts and post-industrial EDM raves.
10. Hank Hill
Hank loves Halloween so much that he once scolded Bobby for not picking a scary enough costume. He also organized a protest of a local religious leader when she successfully canceled the holiday in Arlen. There’s no way he doesn’t indulge the fetish in private during the off-season.
9. Stuart Dooley
Dooley, with his soft-spoken mean streak, might be the most outwardly goth character on the entire show, but he’s also a bully and would likely never admit to belonging to such a nerdy subculture. It’s very clear that Dooley just wants to be accepted for the complete and total goth he is, but something has prevented him from coming out of his shell. Maybe if Bobby would just sacrifice a goat with him or something, he’d be less of a dick.
8. Joseph Gribble
Joseph Gribble loves three things: fire, caves, and working out. He’s basically a proto-Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein. We’re honestly shocked there was never an episode in the series that explored a hidden goth phase within Joseph’s troubled teen years. That certainly doesn’t mean it didn’t happen though.
7. Nancy Hicks-Gribble
There’s no way Nancy would be able to handle how washed out her skin would look if she dyed her hair black. That being said, we can definitely see her at an EDM rave or a random dance party under a highway overpass. She’d probably have an elaborate alibi when questioned of her whereabouts too. Unlike her affair with John Redcorn, she could probably pull this one off in total secrecy.
6. Junichiro
Hank’s estranged Japanese brother was so disgusted upon meeting their father that he told him he wished he had never been born. That’s goth as fuck. He’s also even more bashful than Hank, meaning any preference he may or may not have toward this particular subculture would definitely be hidden from those around him.
5. Eduardo Filipe
Eduardo Filipe plays the murderous vigilante priest, Monsignor Martinez, on a Spanish drama of the same name. While he is just a normal down-to-earth guy outside of his very goth acting career, we have a feeling he puts the priest costume on during his downtime.
4. Dale Gribble
Considering the amount of known fake identities Dale had throughout the show, it’s highly unlikely that one of them wasn’t an active member of the Misfits Fiend Club. It’s also entirely plausible he would keep it a secret to avoid almost certain ridicule in the alley.
3. Yogi Victor
Everyone knows that Yogi Victor’s yoga studio has a secret basement in which a disturbing clothing-optional goth-version of his class is held. In a deleted scene from the episode “Hank’s Back,” Yogi Victor is seen agreeing to help Hank commit insurance fraud in exchange for him keeping his discovery of the basement session a secret, giving him an exceptionally high ranking here.
2. Chuck Mangione
We know, we know… ‘Trumpet? I thought this was about goth, not ska.’ Listen, goth isn’t about music, it’s about life and how one lives it. Chuck Mangione lived at least part of his life hidden in a fort of paper towel displays in a Mega Lo Mart store. After hours he would do freaky shit like price up his own albums and move his cardboard displays around to fuck with people. He claimed it was due to his relentless contract with the big box chain, but we know it was to live his true goth life without the prying eyes of others.
1. Didi Hill
Picture Didi in a black wig with a smokey eye and tell us she doesn’t bear a striking resemblance to Elvira. You can’t, can you? That’s because the thousands upon thousands of fan theories suggesting that Didi is Elvira in witness protection after committing a gruesome vampire murder are all too believable now. This also explains why she puts up with Cotton’s incessant bullshit. It’s not because she loves him, it’s because she can’t risk the Vampiric Council finding out about her whereabouts if she strikes again.