“King of the Hill” has long been an American institution. Holding a mirror up to American society, it shouts ‘Look! Look upon yourselves, American society!’ Nearly every wart is exposed within its complicated narrative as it implores us not to look away.
As thorough as it is in examining the every-day culture and zeitgeist, it seems that the show fails to shine a light on the prevalent and ever-growing goth subculture. Upon further investigation, though, it appears these queries were always lurking beneath the surface, waiting for an esteemed investigative journalist to pry back the dusty floor-boards to find a plethora of dark surprises hidden underneath.
Without further ado, here are fifty characters from “King of the Hill” ranked by how likely they are to have had a closeted goth phase.
50. Cotton Hill
Given Cotton’s traditional-to-the-point-of-being offensive outlook on most things, chances are he would be appalled by goth culture if he even had the chance to see it. We’d be surprised if there wasn’t a cut episode of “King of the Hill” in which Cotton throws his entire body through the window of a Hot Topic before berating the cashier over their use of eyeliner.
49. Bug Gribble
It goes without saying that Bug has hidden a lot of things from the people closest to him. We don’t think a gothic lifestyle is one of them, however. In fact, we can’t be sure his rodeo show hasn’t included at least one Depeche Mode routine, and he performs that shit in front of hundreds daily. If you asked him if he had a goth phase in his youth, he’d probably respond with some flippant claim that he invented the entire subculture.
48. Clark Peters
A lot of people think that Clark Peters has a ponytail, but it’s actually a pinned back Devil Lock. He died it blonde because unlike conventional goths, Clark likes to pave his own path. Many academic journals point to Clark Peter’s role on the show as a turning point in the quest to dispel many inaccurate goth stereotypes. Yes, he is a goth. Yes, he likes to burn things. No, he is not some sheep that will bow down to traditional aesthetics for the sake of conformity. We’re getting off the rails here, but the point is, Clark Peters’ goth phase isn’t closeted, it’s revolutionary.
47. Gilbert Fontaine Dauterive
Gilbert is basically already a goth, save for his garish suits. He lives in an old-ass and literally gothic house, hides in darkly lit rooms while chain smoking and always has some morose commentary about everything he sees. The only thing he’s hiding is judgment over your outfit and life choices, we imagine.
46. Boomhauer
Did you know that Boomhauer regularly talks about his love of industrial rock legends Nine Inch Nails throughout the entirety of the series? Most overlook this because of his unintelligible speaking voice. Were you also aware that the black tee shirt he regularly wears is an homage to his gothic past. Boomhauer, though often misunderstood, holds no shame about this aspect of his personality and wears his black heart on his sleeve.
45. Lucky Kleinschmidt
Look, we’re not saying Lucky never had a goth phase, but there’s no way he’d be bashful about it if he did. If My Chemical Romance were around in his youth, you bet your ass he’d proudly dress head to toe in black and sulk around the box office the day tickets went on sale for one of their shows.
44. Esmé Dauterive
Much like her son, Gilbert, Bill’s aunt Esme is a total weirdo with an absolute aura of goth fuckery. Though she carries herself with an air that would never stoop so low as to call it a full-on phase, most would agree that being a spooky old widow in a giant old house with a coven of other widows is every goth’s dream. It’s just too on the nose to rank her higher.
43. Coach Kleehammer
The only reason Kleehammer isn’t dead last is due to the fact that no one knows his first name, which is admittedly pretty goth. His angered attitude might suggest a secret life begging to be seen and acknowledged, but his proclivity to athletics makes that hidden characteristic highly unlikely to be gothic in nature.
42. Joe Jack
Joe Jack is a functioning alcoholic divorcee. With no questions asked, he dressed as a baby for the short-lived Propaniacs and seemingly had no regrets about making a fool of himself in the process. He’s definitely considered the goth path at least once, honey, but there’s no way he’d try to hide it.
41. Ted “Pops” Popazito
While ‘Pops’ does a phenomenal job of reminding the middle-aged characters of their own mortality and impending deaths, there’s nothing about him that really screams ‘secret goth.’ While alive, he spent the majority of his time complaining about his neighbor’s punk band, so he’s a narc to boot.
40. Good Hank Jeffrey “G.H.” Hill
We’re not sure what kind of personality GH would possess, having only just met him a handful of years before the show ended. It’s possible he grew into a post-wave dark-arts loving adult, but we just can’t be certain how hidden this attribute would be if true.
39. Roger “Buddha” Sack
Buddha Sack is just a little too outgoing to be a goth. It’s simply not conceivable that he would be found in such a subdued subculture even in secret. Perhaps he would give it a shot to gather more material for his stand-up sets, but one would assume his jovial spirit would blow his cover sooner than later.
38. Peggy Hill
Peggy will try anything once. She also doesn’t make it a secret when she attempts anything. If Peggy ever has a goth phase, which is pretty likely, she’ll likely be writing about a thousand musings a day about it. Our personal favorite: “They say the Sun is not God, but his Noblest image, which is why I, Peggy Hill, a Goth, stay far, far away from it.”
37. Sgt. “Topsy” Toppington
It’s not likely you’ll catch Topsy sobbing to Joy Division and then blaming his red eyes on allergies, but he does like to freak people out with that weird thing he does with his cheeks. That’s at least goth adjacent, so we’ll rank him a bit higher here.
36. Leanne Platter
Leanne once stabbed her husband with a fork, so points there. Still, her brief love affair with Bill was cut short due to her disgust with his toe fungus. A legitimate goth would probably be fascinated with that and maybe even try to use his foot dirt for spells or some shit. Pass.
35. Octavio
First of all, Octavio is the most Elder Goth name we’ve ever heard in our lives. Judging by his large Rob Zombie tattoo, there’s no doubt this guy isn’t at least a rivethead. Still, in an effort to flirt with Luanne, he once tried to pretend that the aforementioned tattoo is a likeness of Jesus. We’re pretty sure that would immediately catch a real goth on fire, or at the very least get them excommunicated from the community.
34. Milton Farnsworth “M.F.” Thatherton
The MF allegedly stands for ‘my friend,’ which isn’t very outwardly goth in our book. Still, Thatherton is a fucking snake who will play whatever role is necessary to keep himself in the black. We could absolutely see him pretending to be a goth in an effort to sell propane to Elysium or any other Texas EDM club.
33. Mark Buckley
Buckley has a lot of the trappings of your typical goth persona. He’s shy, rides a moped, wears the same shirt every day, and barely utters more than one word at a time. Still, he came back as an angel after his death in one episode, and not even a horrifying biblically accurate one, so he’s nearly out of the running here.
32. Patch Boomhauer
There’s a lot we don’t know about Boomhauer’s long-lost brother Patch other than the fact that he has poor impulse control and is easily tricked. If he had a goth phase, we’d likely have no way of knowing about it, but given his general secrecy, we can’t rule it out.
31. Lane Pratley
Lane Pratley once pretended to be a devout Christian to get into Luanne’s pool-side Bible Study with the hopes of wooing her, so we’re pretty sure he’s donned eyeliner and bought a Siouxie and the Banshees record for similar reasons.
30. John Redcorn
If John Redcorn’s fictional band, Big Mountain Fudgecake, existed in the real world, you can be almost certain that they would be opening for, and soon headlining the next Ghost tour. While Redcorn is no stranger to keeping aspects of his life hidden, he is less than withholding about his goth proclivity.