CONCORD, N.H. — Local high schooler Colin Black recently expressed interest in learning to skateboard but has serious reservations because of his advanced age, sources close to him report.
“I mean, it seems really cool, and I’ve thought about trying it for a long time, but I feel like I’ve heard a lot of people talk about all the old guys at skateparks and being creeped out by them, so like, I don’t want to be like that, I guess,” said Black, apparently not understanding that he is a child. “All of my friends who skate have been doing it since they were like three, so it feels like I’m really late to it I guess. Maybe if I get decent at it on my own I can just lie and pretend I’ve been doing it for years.”
Members of Black’s immediate family think he should pursue this newfound passion.
“You know, I worry about Colin. He gets stuck in this kind of anxiety a lot, and I just don’t want him to throw away his youth like I did,” said Colin’s sibling CJ Black, 22. “I keep trying to tell him how he’s not old. People aren’t talking about people his age when they talk about old people, obviously. And that’s something he will understand when he gets to be in his early 20s and starts to feel it in his knees. And Jesus Christ, at 16 he’s practically injury-proof. I’m literally only six years older and already feel my back going. He’s gotta seize the day before his joints decide they’ve had enough.”
The oldest-looking guy in the local skatepark also expressed that Black should go for it.
“Yeah, I’ve been skating pretty much forever, so I guess it’s different for me, but really, I think it’s great to stay interested in trying new stuff as you get older. I mean, I’m 55, so take it from me when I say a lot of people aren’t as old as they think they are,” said the source who preferred to remain anonymous so that young people wouldn’t throw slushies on him. “So yeah, I think that kid should still give skating a try. Just be cool about it and be cool to the people around you and it’ll be okay. He can’t be older than what, 27?”
At press time, several younger skaters were heard referring to the mysterious old man as “Mr. Hawk.”