Here at the Hard Times, we’re always willing to help out our fans, and today we’ll be responding to a fan letter sent by Jack from Philadelphia. It reads as follows,
Dear Hard Times,
Recently, my parents bought me a car, they just drove it up from the Bahamas a few weeks ago(not sure how that’s possible). What kind of car is it, you ask? Why, it just so happens to be a totally bitchin’ Camaro. So one day, I decided to drive my friends down to the Jersey Shore to go see my favorite cover band Crystal Shit, at this dope ass bar that lets 16-year-old kids drink. Unfortunately, as I was driving down my street, WHAM! I hit all 4 of my neighbors, kids included. It’s pretty bad, one of them might not make it, but what’s even worse, those fuckers put a huge dent in my hood and cracked my windshield. I guess I should’ve gotten insurance. To make it all worse, my dad is just a lowly doctor with no connection to state government or law enforcement. So I need help, fast.
Jack from Philadelphia
Well Jack, luckily vehicular manslaughter is our middle name, so we know exactly what you’re going through. Many would tell you to lawyer up, but I think that’s all bullshit. The first thing you’re gonna wanna do is to fake your death, everyone knows that dying is the ultimate way to be forgiven of all of your crimes. Shave your head and dye what’s left, I hear cheetah print is in these days, although I’m not totally sure since I’ve been hiding in various Nepalese mountain ranges for the past 15 years, I wasn’t lying about the vehicular manslaughter thing. That’s actually a nice segue into my next step, go to a country with a lot of vast mountain ranges or forests, but most importantly make sure that country has know extradition treaties with the United States. Next, tame a wild snow leopard to catch food for you. You know it’s really not too bad once you get used to it, it’s like I’m playing “Far Cry Primal.” It’s actually not though, I hate it, it’s so cold and I’m in so much pain, I miss my wife and kids. I reenacted the “American Psycho” Huey Lewis & the News scene with my leopard yesterday just to feel something. Please help me. I didn’t mean to run over that conservative politician, I promise.