CHICAGO — Several TSA agents at O’Hare International Airport detained metal fan Aex Parker for attempting to board a flight to Germany while carrying an “emotional support broadsword,” elf-eared sources report.
“I’d have never actually gotten on a plane before, and I figured the mental support my 4-foot sword provides me when I take the bus to work every day would work just as well with dealing with my fear of heights,” Parker said while adjusting his Blind Guardian shirt and large arm gauntlet. “I was just peacefully walking through the airport terminal when all of a sudden, a bunch of government dweebs rushed me like I was trying to get on the plane with my crossbow or something! I’m just glad they didn’t notice all the strength-enhancing tinctures in my carry-on bag.”
TSA Agent Roberta Navarete headed the routine security stop.
“It’s pretty much standard protocol to stop anyone from boarding an airplane who is brandishing a weapon of any sort, so when I see a man with a large, sharp pointed object, I am going to stop him,” Navarete explained, adding that she thought she had thwarted plans for some potential medieval terrorist attack. “Luckily for him, he was responsible enough to be carrying all the proper papers. I suggested that next time, maybe make the writing on the scabbard that warns people to not get too close to it a little larger. This sort of embarrassment should be avoided by all parties.”
Heavy metal genre expert Marty Pullman says that the incident involving Parker and his sword may seem abnormal, but is fairly common amongst fans.
“There is, and has been, an on-going covert war waged by the TSA against metalheads since its inception in the late ‘70s,” Pullman stated. “In fact, it has inadvertently barred certain bands from ever leaving their continents. For example, notable pirate-themed heavy metal band Running WIld can never play the United States. That’s because the airline business’ ‘rules’ state that no one is allowed to board a plane while rolling several cannons behind them. The entire airline system is full of posers.”
At press time, Parker caused a commotion on board his flight after frantically yelling about needing to slay the demon on the wing of the plane.