Before embracing my naturally androgynous features, I tried to wax, contour, and push-up bra my way into feminization to avoid mean remarks from children and confused second glances from adults. It wasn’t until a recent doctor’s appointment shed new light on my situation, that I thought there was nothing more insulting than a waiter insisting, “Enjoy your meal, sir” or someone calling me a pervert for using the women’s restroom.
As a chronic migraine sufferer for most of my life, doctors have run a gamut of tests on me reserved for female patients, including, “Are you on your period” and “Have you tried losing weight?” Moments before I lost consciousness last year due to an abrupt cluster headache I even had one doctor tell me I would never know true pain until I was hit in the ball sac with a whiffle ball bat.
During my most recent visit to the ER, I was dumbfounded when the doctor recommended an MRI and complete neurological examination to treat my ongoing migraines. He even documented his findings with his pen instead of twirling it around his fingers like a little baton and checking his watch every 30 seconds. Since I’ve never left a doctor’s office with anything more than a handful of ibuprofen and the sneaking suspicion I was the victim of gendered medical malpractice, I was shocked until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
During my mad dash to the hospital to relieve the feeling my brain was trapped in a hydraulic press, I had forgotten to do my makeup or change out of my sweats. This accompanied by my new gender-neutral haircut gave me all the answers I needed. This doctor thought I was a man, and I was reaping the benefits of his error in judgment
I was almost tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and attribute his professionalism to the medical oath he took so many years ago, but my initial assumptions were confirmed after he called me a “brave little man” and told me I would be “out playing football again with the guys in no time.”
Do you guys remember that Earth Crisis put out a nu-metal album? I sure didn’t. Or if I did know it at one point I forcibly repressed it from my mind. Ok, picture this: it’s the year 2000 and you are a hardcore band that has reached the height of its popularity and you want to take your drug-free animal rights message to the masses – what do you do? If you said “tune down your guitars like Korn so it sounds like the strings are falling off and do some awkward white guy rapping” you are correct! Maybe it was the fact they didn’t go full Adidas tracksuit but not even current-day Limp Bizkit apologists will acknowledge this one.
I’ve never really understood the point of cover albums. Yes, sometimes a good cover can be fun when you play it live but to record your own lesser version of someone else’s song and release it as your own just feels like a waste of everyone’s time. (Quicksand doing “How Soon Is Now?” might be the only exception to the rule.) Here the vegan merauders from Syracuse cover The Misfits, Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, etc., and vocalist Karl Buechner even… hoo boy… sings. The only saving grace to this whole cringefest is that it includes their older song “The Order” which is THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG EVER.
By 1998 they were five years in of pretty much non-stop touring and it shows in this mostly phoned-in album. Buechner’s vocals sound strained with irritated vocal chords and I think he might need to take Luden’s couch drop. But not the honey lemon ones because they are not vegan. They re-recorded “Ecocide” which was on their first 7” and it sounds like you are playing it on the wrong speed. To be fair this was long enough ago that if you were vegan you might not have known you need to take a b-12 supplement which might explain their lethargy on this record. I know I basically slept through this whole year. What’s that? Why yes I am vegan, thank you for asking. Can you BELIEVE I made it this far into this article without mentioning it?
Any remnants of hardcore are gone on this one and they’re completely just a metal band now (just look at the spooky cover art!) Don’t get me wrong, metal is great. But show me someone who is willing to sit through a full twelve songs of this in one sitting and I’ll show you someone who probably eats their own boogers. There are some solid moments here however and you can add “Out Of The Cages” to the list of their direct-action vegan anthems.
Earth Crisis seemed to enter a new chapter of embracing all things metal in the mid-2000s. The mid-tempo moshiness of their earlier stuff is replaced by crushing high-gain, double-bass riffage. Lyrically they haven’t budged on their message but have gotten a little more creative with them. “To Ashes” retells the true story of a man whose brother was addicted to meth so the guy burned down the meth lab to keep his brother off of it and subsequently went to jail for arson. This song is some piping hot straight edge revenge served up with a side of vigilantism.
In 2011 they took a break from their verbal assault on the societal collapse from drugs and the death of the planet from animal agriculture to tackle some fun new lyrical territory: the societal collapse and death of the planet from nuclear holocaust. Production-wise this might be their best-sounding record. Everything sounds great and Buechner’s vocals are heavy yet still not muddled. “Total War” is the clear standout song with its Meshuggah-esque syncopation. If we were ranking these albums based just on cover art this would be number 1. Give me a minimalist bleak depiction of the apocalypse over cheesy ass skulls and ugly type treatments any day.
Even in 1996 titling your album with a biblical reference to a city that was destroyed by God because “men lusted after men instead of women” seems sketchy as fuck. There was no Wikipedia back then (which I just used because I don’t know shit about the bible) so it’s possible they weren’t really aware of the implications of that title. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt since the title track is about (surprise!) being straight edge.
Let’s get real. This should be number one on this list but it technically doesn’t count because it’s not a full-length. I’m not really sure what else can be said about this EP that hasn’t been said a billion times already. All I know is when this came out it most likely ruined a lot of friendships because of people slapping beers out of their friends’ hands as well as ruined many family Thanksgivings with people slapping the turkey off the dining room table.
As much as I try not to be the “their old stuff is better” guy I certainly fall into that trap sometimes (just ask the members of Samiam) but it’s hard not to be when the older stuff is objectively better. Besides “Firestorm” and “All Out War” this has all the songs the old guy contingent wants to hear. This album is not perfect though and honestly a little clunky at times. “Reject the anthropocentric falsehood” are actual lyrics that I guess we’re supposed to be excited about. Like we get it guys, you broke out the thesaurus for this one. Despite its faults, this is still the perfect soundtrack to burning down your local McDonalds.
If you’re doing a list of best metal albums for a year, and Cannibal Corpse put out an album that year, it’s on the list. We don’t make the rules. But it helps that this album is also genuinely killer, and one of the best CC albums with the adorable metal dad himself Corpsegrinder at the helm.
It’s Botch. It’s their best album. There’s a reason dudes in their 30s and 40s lost their shit when Botch announced a reunion show and tour. There are bands that have never even heard of Botch, and Botch is still their main influence. This album is immensely listenable and yet not really catchy at all, which is genuinely an impressive feat.
What an absolutely wonderful clown show. And as someone who has taken clown classes, we say that as a compliment. One thing that can be unequivocally said about Sigh is that while you might not like an album, you will not be bored. Great riffs, out of nowhere changes, and then just the weirdest instrumentation. And then there’s the production. Oh, the production! Genuinely some of the most bonkers choices on levels of any metal band ever. Shouldn’t the guitars be louder than the circus organ? Not if you’re Sigh. Maybe the most UNboring band in metal?
Scissorfight has been described as “if Rob Zombie’s ‘Dragula’ was about a snow plow, and the motif was hunting and camping instead of kitschy horror movie stuff.” And… yeah, that’s kind of it. There are Sabbath-inspired riffs, punk, southern rock, and even butt rock. But it’s Scissorfight. However stupid you think it is, they think it’s stupider, which makes it cool. There’s a song on here about a pit-fighting monkey. The opening line to the album is “Weed, guns and axes. We don’t pay our taxes.” Why are you even asking questions?
Either you can roll with Abbath’s “evil Popeye” vocals or you can’t. And we can. We love this band, and this album. “At the Heart of Winter” starts a pretty killer 3-album run for Immortal that took them from mostly being a niche band in a niche genre to a respected metal band. The group seemed to both take themselves very seriously and also not seriously at all. Which makes sense if you’re gonna slap on corpse paint and write albums about a fictional Winter Kingdom. This album is also notable for being their first album to not feature the band on the cover in their cute little coordinated outfits.
However scary black metal bands try to make hell seem, nobody makes it seem scarier than Christian metal bands. Probably helps if you actually believe in it. And we know Zao isn’t really a Christian band anymore, but they were when they put out “Liberate Te Ex Inferis” / “Save Yourself from Hell.” So just let us make our point, jerk. Because for a Metalcore album, this thing feels scary. While maybe not as beloved as their previous effort, “Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest” we think this one goes way harder. Also, this album is arguably where Daniel Weyandt’s vocals went from “Carcass-worship” to “Zao-vocals.” The Carcass-worship is still there, but he’s clearly in his own lane on this album.
This is prime In Flames. Well, it’s prime OLD In Flames. It’s almost bizarre to talk to folks who’ve never heard In Flames now. Not only has their sound changed so much, but they’ve put out so many albums since this era that they really seem like a different band. We know “Clayman” is considered the high point for a lot of fans, but when we think of In Flames, the opening lead of this album’s opening track “Embody the Invisible” is the first thing that pops into our head.
For the following decade, its safe to say this album was one of the most influential Metalcore albums, for better or worse. Similar to Botch, this band’s sound spawned a LOT of shittier ripoff bands, many of whom became much more successful. Not to mention this album is responsible for a lot of really sad entries in diaries and journals. While we’d argue a lot of Metalcore from this time is pretty hard to listen to, this album is actually still very listenable.
Sometimes power metal is just anthemic pop punk with a double bass pedal. And that’s not a bad thing. This album is catchy as fuck and understandably burst this Finnish band onto the scene. The opener “Blank File” alone is worth the ride. The high notes are so high that they band re-recorded the album a few years back and moved the song down a few keys most likely so vocalist Tony Kakko could still hit the notes.
Splits can be weird, and this one is weird. At the time as a Converge fan, who had no idea who Agoraphobic Nosebleed was, the opening AG track, “Mantis,” was immediately jarring in the best possible way. As far as the Converge half, it has “Locust Reign” on it. So you know. Because, C’mon. That breakdown. Jun. Jun. Jun. JUNJUNJUN.
Guitarist (at the time) for symphonic fantasy metal legends Rhapsody, Luca Turilli released this “solo” album in ’99 and it honestly whittled down all the great stuff of his main band, and left out most of the skippable stuff. It’s a straight-forward, catchy fantasy-themed symphonic power-metal album, that has good production and is under an hour. And after a listen, we dare you not to be singing the chorus for “Black Dragon” for the next week.
In the current resurgence and appreciation for death metal, it seems that maybe Immolation is finally getting some of the recognition they deserve. The production on this album is… not good. And yet this album still crushes. It sort of sounds like the death metal counterpart to all the horrible production of Black Metal in the ‘90s. This album is often overshadowed by the group’s next two albums, “Close to a World Below” and “Unholy Cult,” often considered to be two of their best, but I have a real soft spot for this one.
This is where we get in trouble. “Nu-metal” is technically metal, it’s in the name of the genre so back off. But despite hating this album and everyone who listened to it when it came out… we’ve come around. It’s fun. Stupid for sure. But fun. And honestly, Wes Borland really does some interesting stuff here. We can’t even think about Fred Durst and keep a straight face and yet it all kinda comes together in this weird, hilarious, and surprisingly listenable package. And we haven’t even gotten into the influence that this album had on music. And we’re not gonna.
Before Ozzfest and almost breaking into the mainstream and thereby ruining all credibility, Dimmu Borgir was killer symphonic black metal band. The first album by DB to feature bassist and (more importantly) clean vocalist ICS Vortex, who really brought an atmospheric depth to the band, separating them from other bands in the genre. This is prime Dimmu Borgir. We understand the argument of those who like the earlier stuff better but this album and the following one, “Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia,” really hit the sweet spot. PEM just slightly beats this one out due to Nicholas Barker joining the band, but this is still in their top 5 albums for sure.
When this album came out we hated it. But that doesn’t change how important it is in metal. And on a re-listen we can see why plenty of bands have come and gone but Slipknot is still out there doing… whatever the fuck they do. We don’t have to love something to respect its impact. That’s our entire relationship to the film “Interstellar. And the state of Rhode Island.
This is arguably the Mortician album. As the ‘90s are having a moment, this band seems to also be having a resurgence, and for good reason. It’s unrelenting and it exactly what your parents were afraid you were listening to. The production borders on hilarious with the drum machine almost rivaling The Berserker at times. Yeah some of the movie clips are too long, but honestly its a nice rest from this otherwise fun but relentless classic album.
We previously mentioned how killer this 
Following up “Evil Empire” was always gonna be hard. But this is an album that actually has aged incredibly well. Outside of the depressing fact that most of the issues De La Rocha talks about on the album still exist, the music on this album sounds maybe the most ageless of all the RATM albums. And we feel like there is more emotion in De La Rocha’s voice than in the past. And yes we already know a large portion of you reading this will say “Rage isn’t even metal.” Neither is the internet, suck it up.
Their production choices on this album sorta make sense for the genre, but considering the higher quality of production on some of their peers’ albums this year, we sometimes wish they’d been open to not recording this inside what we can only guess was an aluminum hallway. At the same time, it’s Emperor and it all just adds to the atmosphere.
Arguably a genre-creating album. We know Atheist were a huge influence on DEP, but this album is really its own thing. The gold standard for the mathy-widdley judd judd music that took over the scene. The jazzy parts of this album are underrated as well. So many bands tried to borrow this sound and genuinely nobody could do it remotely as well. Also, it really says something about a band that is this technically talented, and pretty much all anyone talks about is how insane the live show is.
Easily in the top 5 Testament albums. Not to mention the only Testament with Dave Lombardo on drums. That alone is worth the price of admission. Like several other albums on this list, if you don’t know this band, this is a great intro. Also at a time when Metallica was stuck doing whatever the hell they were doing in the late ‘90s, Testament put out an album that basically sounds like what everyone was wishing Metallica sounded like. “True Believer” honestly sounds like it could’ve been on a follow-up to the Black Album. And the fact that the vocals go back and forth between thrash singing and all-out screaming makes the album a more interesting listen.
Has anyone ever noticed there is something inherently sexy about Type O Negative’s music? Back in our youth we found it very off-putting. But now we might put on some Type O, and take a shower with the curtain open just checking myself out in the mirror. What’s up hot stuff? Yeah, there’s a lot of hair where we don’t want it, and minimal hair where it should be. But who cares? Looking good. What were we talking about? Oh right. This is a pretty good album.
This is definitely an album we didn’t know about at the time but clearly was influential for a lot of folks. And it’s obvious why. This album kinda has everything. There are big riffs, doomy parts, chaotic parts, and vocals that feel very 1999 in a good way. We remember feeling uncool because we didn’t hear about this band until they put out “Carpe Diem.” And re-listening to this album made us realize how cool we could’ve been if we’d found WHVN when it came out.
It’s hard to overemphasize Today is the Day’s influence on heavy music. They kinda did/do everything. This album is considered a classic in their impressive catalog, and should be checked out just on the basis of it boasting two members of Mastodon. Bran Dailer and Bill Keliher play drums and bass, respectively on In the Eyes of God. This album sounds like what we thought doing hard drugs would feel like when we were a good little D.A.R.E graduate.
What’s that? He put Tom Waits on the metal list, and left out Opeth, Children of Bodom, Dream Theater, and Metallica?!?! Damn right. Cry about it. Tom Waits is metal and if you disagree, YOU’RE WRONG. Very few people can pull off cookie-monster vocals in music that isn’t classically metal. It’s pretty much Waits and the guy from Future Islands, and he clearly takes cues from Waits. This album is an absolute front-to-back classic. We can listen to Cannibal Corpse for hours and feel nothing. If we listen to “Georgia Lee” once, We are depressed for a week. That is metal.
Scurrilous is the third album by Protest the Hero, and the only use of the word scurrilous since the 1920s outside of “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.” It is a pivot point on their musical journey,and the band starts to embrace guitar theatrics and shred more and more, sometimes to the detriment of the songs. This is also the last album to feature original drummer Moe Carlson before his sellout era, going to college to work a square job (literally, as he is a tool and die maker). Not a bad album (and there are no bad Protest the Hero albums), it’s just that with all due respect “Scurrilous,” we wish you weren’t so awkward bud.
Recorded with the blessings of Lamb of God drum gonzo Chris Adler, “Volition” finds balance between the shred and their punk cred, even writing the Newfoundland and Labrador national anthem with “Mist,” to the joy of Canada’s newest province. This was also the last album to feature original bassist Arif Mirabdobaghi, and occasional backing vocalist Jadea Kelly, as they left to pursue other endeavours, signalling winds of change for the boys, and a misty one at that. Best enjoyed among pints and friends, preferably in Goddamn Newfoundland.
Possibly released hoping that people would confuse it with the more successful “Pacific Rim,” this EP feels like an extension of “Volition,” with similar songwriting, vibe, and ragged and jagged energy to it. It’s also the first release to feature Mike Ieardi on drums, and he fits right alongside longtime session/live bassist Cam McLellan, proving that even without Moe and Arif, there were still plenty of riffs in the band, and that’s not Mentioning Rhythm Guitarist Tim MacMillar’s gorgeous keyboard playing.
Released in the year of Satan 2020, this devilishly delectable album proved that Protest were not going down with the rest of the music industry, even if longtime guitar wizard Luke Hoskin retired from touring to focus on writing spellbooks (Guitar Tabs) for novice spellcasters. “Palimpsest” feels more topical and down to Earth with its subject matter compared to earlier releases, covering the then-growing migrant crisis, social unrest, and climate crisis facing us all, even to this day. All accomplished with the class, musicianship that we all love from the boys. The album even features a cameo from Prophagandi bassist Todd Kowalski on the track “the Canary,” and as a result, no further analysis required.
A feminist concept album split into three parts covering the last rights and execution of the titular Kezia, sung from the point of view of the Priest giving the last rights, executioner, and Kezia. This debut established the band as another Canadian legend Ginger Fitzgerald would say, as a “Goddamn force of Nature ” in the National Metal scene. “No Stars over Bethlehem ” kicks off the album like a hailstorm of bullets from a chaingun right out of the starting gate, and the fury doesn’t let up for a single second until the album closes. If this was the sole release of Protest the Hero, we would still be writing an article on this band, with its blend of high-minded ideas and emotional delivery, not to mention the then-young band given’er on all fronts musically. Oh yeah, she’s a monument of dicks and ribs for ya.
The soundtrack to the act of conquest, “Fortress” is a furious, sprawling and enthralling prog metalcore epic, toning down the skate punk influence of “Kezia” and the band is left with a rich, full sound that contains aggression, beauty, and melody in all the right quantities, even cementing lead singer Rody Walker as Canada’s answer to Bruce Dickinson. So good that it shot to number one a former Commonwealth Nation despite containing the lyrics “The Royalty Must Die,” even Queen Elizabeth gave this album two thumbs, but unfortunately perished rich, instead of as a common beggar and petty thief that all monarchs, oligarchs, and Bourgeois are by nature. All we have left to say about this album is, oh Bah’d.