NEW YORK — Board members at New York University decided to do away with any attempt at holding up appearances and just allow students to declare “Being Famous” as a major, sources confirmed with a shrug as if to say “makes sense.”
“We simply looked at the fact that 100 percent of our graduates go on to be famous in the arts in some form or another, and decided to cut out the middleman. Kids were applying to our school with the express purpose of making it big, why not make that ‘express’ all the quicker?” said NYU Head Linda G. Mills, as she copy-and-pasted the entire text of today’s Variety into the upcoming alumni newsletter. “It’s a very popular major, with nearly every new student we’ve accepted since the announcement declaring it. We had to read through so many application essays, which we requested, of course, to be written in the style of SNL five-time host monologues. That’ll get that out of the way for them when that day inevitably comes.”
Those who have completed the required coursework for the major were surprised at the perks it came with.
“Graduation was really fun because in addition to my diploma, we were also given the option to take a Tony award, a five-picture movie deal, or an official adoption from a potential famous parent that had connections to the John Oliver writer’s room. I couldn’t decide, with all the lights in my eyes and cameras going off, so they just told me to take all three,” said recent graduate Gerard Holcomb, who minored in “Talk Show Anecdotes.” “They did scold me afterward for not being used to the lights and cameras though, since a lot of the curriculum was based around…that…Ah, sorry to trail off, I’m just noticing the weird ‘grey’ color of this carpet…I’m just so used to red, it really threw me off.”
Hollywood agents are beginning to take note, relieved that their already easy job has been made that much easier by the streamlining.
“It’s just nice to know that someone has a four-year degree in being famous, to prove they’re ready for it,” said talent manager Taryn Linskey, as he sent a client an email requesting 10% of the pay from an acting role the client booked on their own and he in no way helped them get. “From now on, no more walk-ons, even if they’ve got talent spilling out of every one of their head-holes, capisce? They’ll need to make that dean’s list if they want that shot at the A-list, plain and simple! Now, excuse me, I need to go make a bunch of empty promises or I won’t hit my quota.”
Not to be outdone, the Berklee College of Music has now begun to offer the major “Couch Surfing” to prepare their graduates for the life ahead of them.
I thought the spicy, cheesy aroma emanating from my beard this week was due to all of the ass I’ve been eating. Turns out there was a tiny splotch of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Dust tucked under my mustache! This was a tasty surprise but it’s not much food when you compare it to a hearty tossed salad. Sorry Chester Cheetah. I have to rank this dead last.
Money is always cool, but the economy is a smoldering dumpster fire and a few bucks won’t get me very far. Plus it’s mostly pennies, so now I have to choose between rolling these coins up for my bank or getting fucked over by Coinstar fees. Wonderful.
I may need to comb my beard more thoroughly because I haven’t worn this mask since the beginning of COVID. Yeah, yeah, I know I should be wearing one when I’m sick. But waterboarding myself with my own snot and beard hair kinda sucks. Still, this is a cool little memento. A tangible reminder that I survived another global crisis and remain unkillable.
I always wanted one of these things growing up. But after wearing it all week I can safely say mood rings are a piece of junk. Why? Because according to this ring I’ve been teetering between nervous and horny all week. That’s a lie. I have one mood. And it’s a rude, crude mood.
While brushing out my beard I caught a glimpse of my very own chin. It was nice seeing that little guy, but he knows damn well why he rarely sees the light of day. He’s weak, he’s puny, and he disgusts me. I told him goodbye forever and this time I mean it.
Why do these things always disappear? Once you put ‘em down they’re impossible to find. If you’re bearded like me though, I highly recommend checking your facial hair. That’s where they wind up 90% of the time. Good thing too! Because I can’t shred without a pick. I’ll do just about anything to become a rock star but callused fingers are where I draw the line.
Uh… I have no idea how this got here. This brush is NOT mine, because I do NOT dye my beard. I have ZERO gray hairs and anyone who tells you otherwise is a dirty liar. I’m going to keep this because it’s a nice brush and NOT because I’ll dye my beard with it. Capiche?
My missing budgie ParaKeeth Morris has been found in my beard and he is alive and well. I’m used to him flying off and doing his own thing, but I thought he might be gone for good this time. I’m thrilled he’s okay but now I have to buy more bird food. This is a mixed bag.
The beautiful thing about a butterfly knife is that you almost never have to actually stab someone with it. Any criminal dumb enough to attack a badass twirling this thing will get what’s coming to them. As soon as I figure out how to open it without cutting myself I’ll get around to the badass twirling part.
Too cool! No matter how many times I smash the big end with a hammer it doesn’t break! I watched a long YouTube video that explains how this scientific miracle is possible, but honestly I’d prefer a tutorial on how to finagle this bad boy into a pipe.
People say these things are unhealthy but I’ve been eating them for 35 years and I’m still alive. This unfortunately is the inferior ham and American cracker stackers variety. If this was the pizza & treatza kind where you get to slather chocolate sauce and M&M’s on a pizza crust? This would have easily been top 10. Oh well.
We all know sunglasses are cool. Tom Cruise taught us that in “Top Gun.” But sunglasses look extra cool on a guy with a big beard. When people can’t see the lower half of your face or your eyes, you become a stoic man of mystery. Throw in a big hat and everyone thinks you’re the guy from ZZ Top. What’s not to love?
To the untrained eye this might just look like an acrylic contact juggling ball. Well this is way different. This is Fushigi. It’s magic. It’s intimate. It defies gravity. This isn’t just cool, it’s a lifestyle. So why isn’t this higher up on the list? Because I dropped it on my foot and this thing weighs like 10 pounds for some reason. I’m in so much pain.
Without a doubt, Spencer’s is the go-to place for all things that are cool and classy. And this black light poster of a forest full of mushrooms will be a delightfully trippy addition to my room. I’ve decided I’ll hang it up right next to my beaded curtain and directly across from my tie-dye water bed. Goddamn I’m cool.
For an aging cool person like myself, tech decks are a lifesaver. The harsh reality I face is that I can no longer shred without fear of shattering both kneecaps. A tiny finger skateboard is the only realistic option I have left. These things are fucking rad though, and I’d like to think everyone at the skate park thinks I’m rad too when I crawl alongside them doing finger ollies.