The mind is an incredible thing when used correctly, but it’s even more impressive when used incorrectly.
Concerned coworkers and people who rely on a higher power to help them pick out their morning breakfast cereal will try to propagandize your brain with the idea that admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. However, admitting you have a problem, even to yourself, makes you a tattletale, and everyone knows that the only thing worse than a bottom-barrel drunkard is an adult tattletale.
When caught in the throes of alcohol and substance misuse, the brain can create entire systems that not only rationalize but reward potentially lethal behavior, which is pretty badass no matter how quickly it ushers you into an early grave. I’ve been blaming my bloodshot Monday-morning bender eyes on bee pollen and cat dander for so long that even I’m starting to believe it myself.
It’s important to remember that perspective is everything. A gambling problem is only a problem until you hit the jackpot, and then it’s a gambling solution. Similarly, waking up multiple times a week with a debilitating hangover might signify a drinking problem to some, but to others, never waking up with a hangover might indicate that you’re a nerd with a completely atrophied social life.
Denial is just as strong a tool as self-awareness, but no one wants to talk about that. As the old philosophical thought experiment goes, “If a tree falls in the forest and you’re too ripped on vodka red bulls and MDMA to notice, did it even happen?” If most of your post-party problems can be solved with a valium, visine, and a couple of half-hearted apology texts, is it even a problem worth fixing? Answers may vary depending on who you ask.
To get me to clean up my life, a boring but well-meaning friend told me, “Nothing changes if nothing changes,” and steered me in the direction of some local AA chapters, but soon after, a funnier, more morally ambiguous friend told me you could cure a hangover with a mixture of zinc, magnesium and a saline enema. I’m still not sure which route to go, but that’s something I can decide once I remove this nozzle from my ass.
Let’s get the big one out of the way. Before you do the Rocky run up the museum steps like the shameless tourist you are, remember that there’ll be some Pennsylvania suburban dad at the top who just sat in traffic for two hours with a bad back and screaming kids only for some jackass to bug him for a picture with a bronze Sylvester Stallone. So do yourself a favor and take a selfie or find yourself back at the bottom with fewer teeth. (And yes we know the statue isn’t at the top of the stairs anymore, save your comments.)
Fuck yeah, science! Named after patriotic science lover and lothario Benjamin Franklin, this children’s museum is a must-stop for STEM enthusiasts. Hands down the best experiences are the planetarium and observatory, where visitors can learn about (and see) the cosmos. Pluto lovers need not apply, as the FI strictly prohibits any sympathizers of the excommunicated planet and will sick their hired goons on anyone caught making any smartass remarks.
It’s a question that’s torn families apart: Pat’s or Geno’s? While this debate has probably led to physical altercations (9th Street does make a cool backdrop for a Tekken-inspired scrum), the best cheesesteaks can be found at Dalessandro’s. But regardless of where you go, know that you have exactly two seconds to tell them your order lest ye face the wrath of the drunk college bros in line behind you.
No trip to Philly is complete without visiting the exact spot where we told King George to piss off. If you’re lucky, you may run into some local reenactors portraying our founding fathers and boy do they take their job seriously. Visitors from the UK should keep an eye out for the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson, as he’s liable to beat you with a stocking full of D-cell batteries if he overhears you speaking the King’s English.
Once you’re finished with all the boring colonial history crap, swing by a much cooler cultural landmark. But this being a magnet for tourists, there’s like a 95% chance you’ll get mugged while you’re distracted taking a selfie.
The venue isn’t technically a destination to bring the family but we saw Pissed Jeans there in 2017 and they kicked ass, so to us it counts as a culturally significant landmark. You really can’t go wrong with any punk band that comes through here, so expect an errant foot to connect with your head if you’re in the pit.
While you aren’t likely to be assaulted by an irate Italian for pronouncing “prosciutto” incorrectly, the delectable smorgasbord of local meats and sandwiches will give your insides the ass-kicking of a lifetime. Even Prilosec can’t save you now.
If you venture a bit west of the city, you’ll be delighted by the flora of this gorgeous botanical garden and its intricate fountains. Made up of six separate districts, there are many views to enjoy depending on your tastes. There is of course that one seventh district that’s off-limits, if you’re brave enough to look for it. Urban legend has it there’s an enclave of feral Philadelphians who cut off all contact in 1975 and believe the Flyers are the reigning Stanley Cup champions.
You couldn’t ask for a better public space to get in some fishing, have a picnic, or toss the ol’ pigskin around. Speaking of which, visitors should be aware that the park is directly adjacent to the sports complex where all of the city’s professional teams play. If Philadelphians even catch a passing glance of you in an opposing team’s colors, your life is forfeit. Sorry, we don’t make the rules.
Fun fact: this picturesque cemetery is the final resting place of everyone’s favorite seamstress Betsy Ross, along with many other local Pennsylvania legends. It’ll also be your final resting place if the locals catch you taking dumbass selfies on the graves of Union soldiers. It’s still too soon for Gettysburg jokes.
Philly isn’t all cheesesteaks and hot pretzels. It’s actually home to a surprising amount of award-winning fine dining experiences, and this chophouse is arguably the best of the best. So before you start asking for substitutions, don’t. Most of the James Beard Award-winning eateries in town will happily throw your ass out onto the street before bending over backwards for your fake gluten allergy.
Listen, we know she voted for Trump but she’s letting us crash at her penthouse apartment in the nicest neighborhood in the city, and we told our Hinge date that we lived here. Do NOT blow this for us or you’ll be going headfirst into the Schuylkill River – sorry, something about being here just makes us see red. Must be something in the wooder. Shit!
If the nightlife is more your taste, you can’t go wrong with this top notch cabaret club. It’s practically identical to the tantalizing performances you’d get in Vegas, with one additional catch: Saturday nights are fight club night, and like the movie, you have to fight if it’s your first time visiting. The biggest difference is that you’ll be wearing a gimp mask in a cage elevated above the dining hall while Pennsylvania’s business elite place bets on your survival. Trust us, it’s fun.
So yes, Eastern State is patient zero of today’s prison industrial complex, but come Halloween this place becomes the best and scariest haunted house in the country. Like any haunted house, the actors aren’t permitted to touch you, however there is a clause written into their contracts they can legally drag anyone who brings up the 1993 World Series to the depths of hell.
This multi-use pier gives you a perfect vantage point of (checks notes) Camden, New Jersey. But more importantly, this is where the beloved anarchistic Flyers mascot Gritty makes his nest. Unlike the other local wild card Philly Phanatic, this orange agent of chaos has diplomatic immunity and will exercise it freely to satiate his bloodlust and the locals won’t bat an eyelash. Just keep that in mind when enjoying the farmers market.
