Every Helmet Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Helmet is less of a band and more of an idea and really a solo act with supporting musicians. Paige Hamilton is the only constant in the band’s 35-year history and with his singular vision for precise syncopated rhythms is the one responsible for their unique sound. And while Helmet may have had a direct influence on giving the world the idiot-shiver-inducing sub-genre nu-metal they also influenced such post-hardcore heavy hitters as Snapcase, Cave In, and Refused as well as many others. Though taking the occasional multi-year hiatus here and there, Helmet has consistently churned out their own brand of alternative metal since the early ‘90s.

Well, we pulled out our oversized Hang Ten shirts from storage, grabbed a skateboard with the tiniest wheels possible, loaded up every one of Helmet’s albums into our parent’s 6 CD changer, and took a journey through Helmet’s three-decade-long career to rank their albums while making sure not to spill our 2-liter bottle of soda on the carpet because we were push moshing around the living room. Enjoy! But seriously please don’t spill anything my parents will be home any second.

9. Seeing Eye Dog (2010)

The cover of Helmet’s seventh album looks like it was done by AI despite coming out fourteen years before ChatGPT was invented. Maybe worst of all the band’s logo has a horrendous default drop shadow on it. None of this has anything to do with what the album sounds like of course but it is a pretty good indicator that this is not Hamilton & Co. at their finest. That’s not to say it’s terrible since there are some classic Helmet riffs on “Welcome To Algiers” and a few new songs that go in a new direction that work like the breezy “LA Water.” But we need to start somewhere on the low end and this is the lowest of the low for them.

Play it again: “Welcome To Algiers”
Skip it: “And Your Bird Can Sing” No, just no. For the love of all things holy, no more Beatles covers.

8. Monochrome (2006)

Right off the bat, “Monochrome” sounds like an attempt to return to their “Meantime” sound. Even the cover looks like a halfhearted effort at reliving their peak. You can’t fault them for trying but it is sort of the musical equivalent of getting back together with an ex years later. It seems like the good old days but you’re older now and just don’t have the energy to put up with them anymore and all your friends are a little embarrassed for you.

Play it again: “Bury Me,” “Gone”
Skip it: Rekindling an old relationship. Seriously, just don’t.

7. Left (2023)

Playing the same heavy(ish) style of music for 30+ years based on essentially 3 or 4 frets of the guitar neck means that you’re probably going to run out of ideas eventually and honestly sounds like a living hell. Returning after a seven-year hiatus, Helmet released “Left” and somehow managed to break the formula they’ve used since the George Bush Sr. administration all while still actually sounding like a Helmet record. Is it their best? No. Is it their worst? No. Is it likely to be in anyone’s heavy rotation? No. Am I asking myself questions to answer to pad out this review since there really isn’t much to say about this album? Possibly.

Play it again: “Gun Fluf”
Skip it: Am I struggling to find a funny thing to put here? Yes.

6. Dead to the World (2016)

Some songs on “Dead to the World” are a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Helmet’s influence on bands like Cave In come full circle with songs like “Life or Death” that sound like they were directly influenced by Cave In. Like, you could tell me I’m listening to later-era Cave In and I’d believe you. Unlike the previous couple of mid-career albums though, Hamilton seems to remember that his vocals sometimes need a little studio love and aren’t really the strongest part of their music. The vocals are also a little lower in the mix (as they should be). You aren’t Taylor Swift, my dude.

Play it again: “Life or Death”
Skip it: “Drunk In The Afternoon” Both the song and the actual act of being drunk in the afternoon. You’re not the spring chicken you once were.

5. Size Matters (2004)

By 2004 all of the nu-metal bands that had been directly influenced by Helmet were (thankfully) starting to lose favor with the masses and the rise of mall emo had begun (un-thankfully). “Size Matters” comes across as Helmet’s best attempt at being a mainstream metal act. There are a lot of radio-friendly hooks and repeating choruses and the production is glossy and polished. Unfortunately, their big TRL moment never happened but 20 years later “Size Matters” is a perfectly fine time capsule to listen to while you throw on your old bootcut jeans and update your Myspace page. Did you know Myspace was still around by the way? I had no idea.

Play it again: “Speak and Spell,” “Crashing Foreign Cars”
Skip it: Trying to fit into those 20-year-old bootcut jeans, they seem to have shrunk around the waist.

4. Strap It On (1990)

New York City in the late 1980s was not the sanitized, curated influencer selfie backdrop it is today. There were still areas you did not venture into at night or day. The bands of this time period reflected the harsh, you-could-die-at-any-moment reality of crumbling Gotham. It must have been tough for Helmet to find their place with the exploding New York hardcore scene of the late ‘80s since they weren’t hardcore and also weren’t really metal. Probably their harshest-sounding album both in instrumentation and production. It’s raw and aggressive and almost has a faint smell of a hot, urine-soaked 1990’s Lower East Side sidewalk.

Play it again: “FBLA,” “Distracted,” “Repetition”
Skip it: “Murder”

3. Aftertaste (1997)

After burning through a rotating door of second guitarists on the first few albums, Helmet released “Aftertaste” as a three-piece. The cover is the three members in silhouette disappearing into fog which is fitting since this is the last time this iteration of the now three original members would ever be seen. 1997 was a weird year for music as grunge had run its course and the awful backwards baseball hat-wearing burning sun of hot garbage called nu-metal was appearing above the horizon. Stuck in this in-between period was Helmet trying out some radio-friendly jams that in hindsight are some of their best songwriting.

Play it again: “Exactly What You Wanted,” “Driving Nowhere,” “Pure”
Skip it: “Crisis King”

Honorable Mention: Judgment Night Soundtrack (1993)

The first of two appearances by Helmet on fantastic movie soundtracks for totally unwatchable movies (They were also included on the soundtrack to the ill-fated disaster “The Crow.”) There’s a lot to unpack with this soundtrack and its ambitious genre-melding collaborations but the clear standout is Helmet’s collusion with the Celtic Jersey adorned House of Pain on the song “Just Another Victim.” The classic era syncopated riffs, Paige Hamilton’s angsty vocals, lyrics about Jodie Foster and Harvey Keitel – this song’s got it all!

 

2. Betty (1994)

Somehow this album is now 30 years old and is still just as listenable as it was in 1994. If you were to listen to something in 1994 that was 30 years old it would be something like The Beatles and who the fuck would ever want to do that. “Betty” is slightly less aggressive and more accessible than their previous albums but still has all the machine-like hum and precision you expect from Helmet. Hamilton really shows off his musical chops by adding some jazzy elements here and there and doing what is probably his best clean singing than on any other release.

Play it again: “Milquetoast,” “Tic,” “Overrated”
Skip it: Realizing that 30 years of your life have gone by in an instant.

1. Meantime (1992)

The cover of “Meantime” is a stark monochromatic image of what looks like a worker shoveling coal into machinery and that’s exactly what the album sounds like – a monolithic, well-oiled machine. The best lineup of the band delivering crushing riffs with John Stanier on drums absolutely destroying those things. Meantime essentially created a new genre of metal while simultaneously ending it since no other band including Helmet themselves could reproduce. “Meantime” helped Helmet achieve the most coveted prize a non-mainstream metal band could achieve in the ‘90s – being featured on an episode of ‘Beavis and Butthead’ with Butthead making the observation: “These look like normal guys, if they were walking down the street you wouldn’t even know they were cool.”

Play it again: The whole thing
Skip it: Doing your Beavis and Butthead impression. Please, it’s 2024 and you’re just embarrassing yourself.

Taco Tuesday Downgraded to Sucking on Mild Packets Found Between Car Seats

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

MILWAUKEE — Local resident Stephen Calagna found a new and incredibly sad way to take part in Taco Night by slurping his way through the stockpile of expired sauce packets found between his car seats, sources with vinegar coming out of their pores confirmed last Tuesday.

“During the ‘before times,’ $15 got you a suicidal amount of Taco Bell. But these days, you’re lucky if you can get a Crunchwrap combo and a large Baja Blast,” stated a pale and malnourished Calagna as he grabbed a small piece of stuffing from under the torn upholstery of his passenger seat and crammed it into his mouth. “As long as you add some texture to the equation, it’s almost like the real thing! It may not be a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, but who can afford cheese nowadays?”

Sarah Mitchell, an underpaid night-shift employee, turned a blind eye to Calagna’s acts of impropriety.

“At the end of the day, I don’t get paid enough to run the kitchen and also worry about loss prevention,” said Mitchell as she turned off the grills at 9 p.m. even though her store doesn’t close until two in the morning. “If somebody comes in, asks for a water cup, and proceeds to load their cargo pockets with as many packets of Mild, Fire, and Diablo Sauce as humanly possible, it’s reasonable to assume they’re not doing great. Just like any single mother you see stealing overpriced baby formula from Target— you didn’t see it, and it’s none of your business.”

Yum! Brands CEO David Gibbs, completely unaware of the economic distress that his former core clientele is experiencing, is thrilled by Calagna’s innovative and resourceful approach to enjoying Taco Tuesday.

“It just warms my heart to know that the working-class everyman can still make do with their limited resources to celebrate the weekly tradition of Taco Tuesday, despite the fact that we no longer care about value,” Gibbs gushed while slowly lowering himself into a bathtub full of guacamole that’s sold at an $.80 upcharge per two ounces. “Sure, it’s true that Taco Bell almost exclusively caters to drunken tech bros driving Lambos, but as long as they don’t crash through the store front, our bottom line will continue to please shareholders.”

At press time, Calagna was spotted chewing on coffee grounds from a Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster for a quick pick-me-up.

Heartbreaking: This Waiter Repeated What You Just Ordered With Correct Pronunciation in Front of All Your Coworkers

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

Time to update the ol’ resume! An otherwise enjoyable work lunch has been brought to a halt after a waiter making minimum wage plus tips repeated your order back with what is obvious to everyone is the correct pronunciation of the dish.

Yikes!

Jamie from marketing who got caught getting stoned last Friday afternoon was the office pariah walking into this two-dollar sign price-ranged Italian restaurant, and you found a way to sink below him. If you thought the mental scars from getting too drunk in front of the co-worker you have a crush on were bad, you’ll be having night terrors about this for the rest of your life!

The office intern ordered the same thing right after you and even though he would have made the same mistake, he’s now your de facto superior. Paige from accounting thought you were a decent guy, but the second she heard you pronounce Creste Al Forno as “Cre-Sa-te-Ale-for-ri-no,” she wanted to hit you with just enough force to dislocate your jaw in front of your boss.

Speaking of your boss, not only did he start texting HR to immediately begin processing your termination, but also reached out to your parents through your listed emergency contact to let them know what a dipshit they raised. Instead of coming to your defense, they’re now arguing with each other over which one is to blame for their kid turning out to be such a fucking dumbass. Get ready to have two Christmases because you flunked Italian.

“This is a new low for anyone in the office, and I once discreetly had diarrhea during a client presentation” the only co-worker you are hotter than was overheard saying after you went to the bathroom to hyperventilate. “I feel bad, that could have easily been me. Last week when we went to that Mexican place, I didn’t realize Ceviche wasn’t pronounced “see Vicky.” The only reason I got away with it was because they make you order your under-portioned $15 lunch on iPads there.”

The staff is bringing out a cake with sparkler candles while clapping along to Happy Birthday, and yet everyone at the restaurant continues to look at you. You should just walk out the door at this point while feigning an illness no one believes before the staff physically throws you out you fucking cultureless Neanderthal.

Bummer: Entire Show Cancelled After Door Guy Loses Marker

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SEATTLE — A recent punk show at High Dive was canceled last-minute after door guy Morgan Dieter lost his one and only marker, sources confirmed.

“Without an inking implement, I am unable to do my job of making a little mark on everyone’s right hand so they can leave for a cigarette and come back,” said Dieter. “The only other writing tool we had at the venue was a No. 2 pencil. The last time I used one of those at the door, several attendees had to be rushed to the hospital due to severe blood loss. Turns out, you have to really jam a pencil into the flesh to get it to write an ‘X’ on a hand, and I’m told that graphite shouldn’t really be in your bloodstream. That’s why I make sure to never ever lose my trusty marker nowadays. Except for today. And last week. Also, five or six times last month. They really need to make bigger markers that are more difficult to lose. That would solve everything.”

Showgoers were noticeably upset at the cancelation but were understanding of the situation.

“There I was, standing in line, watching a grown man search every pocket and pat every area of his clothing, only to call off the show after searching for a mere two minutes,” said attendee Leigh Harrison. “I’m shocked they couldn’t just run out to Target to buy a new one. I heard that it wasn’t in the venue’s budget though, so they had to cancel the whole show. I completely understand. I don’t even know how much a marker costs. Like 100 bucks, right? That would financially ruin anyone.”

Experts claim they have seen similar instances at live music events.

“If just one element of a show is missing, the entire operation needs to be shut down,” said music critic Wes Thompkins. “One venue had to cancel a show because they forgot to order bright green wristbands. Another had to prematurely end a 21+ concert because one person had an out-of-state license and the door guy said checking those was not in the job description, so he quit right then and there. And more recently, a venue forgot to actually book the band that they advertised to play that night. It’s these little things that can close down an entire show.”

At press time, Dieter had found the marker the next day, but the venue had to cancel the show yet again because it unexpectedly ran out of ink.

“Euphoria” Cast Members Ranked by How Likely They Are to Celebrate Their Birthday Week

Posted on by Mark Shady

If you’re thinking, “wait, the ‘Euphoria’ cast has time to celebrate birthdays in between smashing each other silly within their incestuous peer group, taking every drug available, and navigate high school life as a means to end trying to fulfill all their carnal desires?” Well, you kinda nailed it.

However, there really are 2 types of birthday people; the kind that stare off into space while they’re being sung to wondering if anyone would notice if they just jumped out the nearest window before the song’s done. Then, of course, the kind whose mission it is to interject the day of their monumental birth into every conversation 3 days prior and 5 days following the actual day. They’ll go out of their way to casually mention it to the store cashier, acting as if it accidentally slipped out.

And this mercurial group is not immune to either category. So let’s take a look at the characters from “Euphoria,” starting with who least likely wants you to know, all the way to someone who would push your face into their cake, candles lit, if that’s what it took for you to acknowledge their special day.

8. Fezco

While he might know what month his birthday falls in, it’s pretty safe to say his knowledge of the actual day may fluctuate based on how much THC is in his system at any given moment. Odds are he’s not 100% sure until the text comes in from his mom. Which, of course, he doesn’t see until the next day.

Birthday Week Duration: The time it takes to read a text from your mom and feel guilty about it, unless you’re too high to care.

7. Rue

Considering in all likelihood she was in rehab during her last one, birthdays aren’t really high on her priority list. However, she has back up from her sister and mom on this one, so the DOB doesn’t go unnoticed. Remember the person who looks for the window to jump out of while being sung to? She’s the archetype for this one. But on the upside, her mom probably doesn’t make her pee test as a gift.

Birthday Week Duration: The length of the Happy Birthday song + 5 minutes staring at a piece of cake that’ll go uneaten.

6. Chris

You know he’s like the most stable one on the show? Well, we’re happy to announce he’s also that stable when it comes to his yearly day. Model birthday citizen. No problems here. Football team sings to him in the locker room and the guy just smiles, makes eye contact, and doesn’t even look down at the guys who didn’t put underwear on before singing to him. And this guy shagged Cassie in season 1. Makes you want to hit him in the face, huh?

Birthday Week Duration: One normal day.

5. Lexi

Of course, Lexi kicks off our b-day durations exceeding more than a day, which you saw coming. But we’re not in “tiara wearing diva mode” just yet. They’ll be enough of that soon. In fact, the only reason Lexi’s birthday eclipses a day is because the celebration goes past midnight. Still pretty normal. Of course, her sister may or may not have told everyone at the party that her birthday was coming up. Why let the opportunity pass, right?

Birthday Week Duration: 1 Day, 2 hours.

4. Jules

Yeah, Jules likes to play it cool, riding that bike around like she DGAF, but we know how she really feels about the big day. She’s giddy for all that attention on what your Father deems, “Jules’s Day!” See you eager to smoke that birthday blunt before 2nd period with Rue. It’s safe to say the big day keeps creepin’ into the next… mainly because you didn’t come home that night and your dad had to give you the cake he got the following night.

Birthday Week Duration: Roughly 48 hours.

3. Cassie

Looking at her it’s safe to guess the crown doesn’t come off for days following the actual yearly date of birth. Surprisingly, she’s more of a “birthday weekend”-type. Which isn’t even that annoying because it’s just one long party. However, the drunker she gets, the looser the lips get with how much “birthday love” she’s surrounded by. And she gets 2 songs; 1 at school, 1 at home. Slightly indulgent, but not obnoxious.

Birthday Week Duration: 3 days.

2. Nate

This is just plain obnoxious, but his day goes on and on and on. We can blame an overly- protective Mother, an inflated football ego and the fact that he seamlessly moved from Maddy to Cassie. Got to admit, that’s a pretty good track record. But you can just see him walking down the hall in a Burger King crown for like 4 days following his actual birthday and it just makes it easy to want to throat-punch him.

Birthday Week Duration: 5 days.

1. Maddy

We made it! The tiara goes on at 7 a.m. the day before the actual day. Then the b-day breakfast kicked off by mom and dad washing her car before she even leaves for school. She spares us the wearing of the birthday sash, but that’s only because it’s wrapped around her locker door. And there’s definitely a little “special day” romance from her current guy (some random football player). He’s got more than enough birthday love to go around as his celebration was a Le Croix spiked with vodka on the way home from practice 6 months ago.

Birthday Week Duration: Over a week, less than 10 days.

Guy Envious of Coworker Too Stupid to Have His Soul Crushed By Company

Posted on by Chris Bowen

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — George Quinn, an account manager at the Babaco insurance company, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.

“Every day I come to work, I watch Chaz as he just sits there all day, breathing heavily from his mouth, with a completely blank expression on his face, totally oblivious to the fact this company crushed his spirits years ago. Absolutely incredible,” Quinn explained. “I’ve been in this dump for only eight years now, and it made me lose all hope for the possibility of having any sort of meaningful existence three years ago. I know Chaz has been here at least double that, and everyone says he’s always been that dumb. He’s one lucky sonofabitch.”

Charles “Chaz” Bunkle says the love for his company comes from the help of its policies and the people he works with.

“Well, after Babaco gave me a job, I felt like I owed it to them. That’s why I’ve never taken my PTO. Ever. You see, that was the very first step. Gotta establish respect early,” Bunkle stated, adding that time away from work just “distracts us from focusing on making our employers happy.” “Then I realized I was even more satisfied whenever I would stay after for an extra hour a day without pay, so I kept at it. Also, squealing on others helps out when things are slow. But with all this being said, I never let my coworkers feel intimidated by how much the bosses love me. God, I love it here.”

Donna Marquez, a senior manager at the company, says individuals too dumb to realize they’re being exploited often experience tragedy.

“I’ve been here 34 years now, so I can tell you that I’ve seen dumbasses come, and I’ve seen some dumbasses go,” Marquez explained. “But this one guy, Tim Rushwell. The guy refused to speak up about a faulty electrical socket next to his out of fear that if he made a fuss of any kind, his boss might not get his Christmas bonus. Then one day, poof, his mop-top of Vinny Barbarino hair acted like a rag soaked in kerosene. Poor guy didn’t even see it coming, except for the 100 times he could have pointed out the flaw, of course.”

At press time, Babaco awarded Bunkle the title of “Suckhole of the Month” for the 64th month in a row.

By Day We’re Just The Faculty For A Community College History Department. But By Night We’re The Best They Might Be Giants Tribute Band In The Tri-state Area

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay class, may I have your attention for a moment? We know that there are some rumors going around about the school’s faculty and we like to confirm at this present time that, yes, they are all true. That’s right, class. Though you will mostly only see us as your humble and handsome educators, we, this community college history department, are collectively known as Constantinople (Not Istanbul) – the preeminent They Might Be Giants tribute band in the area.

We aren’t entirely sure how word got out about this undeniably hip side project of ours as we all use rock and roll pseudonyms to play under. You kids all know “Dr. Worm” right? Well instead on drums for us we have “Dr. Weevil” – specifically Dr. Thaddeus Kinsey Weevil who heads the department’s medieval cartography curriculum.

They Might Be Giants have played a large role in our academic work. In fact we’ve quoted lyrics from their songs in several research papers which every scholarly journal and Rolling Stone have refused to publish.

I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that you kids found out. You’ve sure got yourself in on everything that’s “slaps” and “rizz” these days. And what’s really more “gagged” than songs about James K. Polk, mammalian biology, or the various Mesopotamian rulers? Yes, it would only be a matter of time before you all found us out.

But don’t think that just because you all now know that we’re secretly an educational alterna-rock cover band on the side doesn’t mean things are going to be any different in the classroom. We keep our professional and our hardcore personal lives separate, and we will not be grading on a curve. We’re still the boss of you.

That being said, if anyone wants to come to our next show at the Whittleman Science Center Imax theater stage we have plenty of tickets still available. Tickets are half off to anyone who brings a used textbook to donate to Little Free Library.

Punk Attempting to Free Climb 6’4” Man Blocking His View of Stage

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.

“Some people think I have a death wish, but I’ve had my eyes on the peak of this jackass since he planted himself in front of me during the opener. I knew the only way I was going to make it to the pit would be to kill my beer, tighten up my boots, and get climbing,” said McCutchen, clinging to the towering man’s hips. “He’s a bit bigger than the bouncers and cops I’ve vaulted over in the past, but at this pace I should be at the summit just before the headliner, and then I’ll punch this guy in the back of the fucking head.”

Onlookers couldn’t pay attention to the show out of fear and awe of McCutchen’s climb.

“Mike is fucking crazy! Even he must realize nobody has ever attempted to scale this dude. This guy is a straight six-foot, four-inch sheer drop who just plants himself near the front like an asshole and we all just have to watch bands in his shadow. Mike must be running on pure willpower and liquid courage,” said scene veteran Eric Wray. “Everyone’s buttcheeks have been clenched this entire time. It would be a symbolic victory for all of us, but free soloing a guy this tall without equipment? I guess if he dies, he’ll die a legend.”

Bouldering experts said that what McCutchen was attempting was extremely dangerous but not impossible.

“Punk mountaineering is far from easy, but trying to free solo it makes the likelihood of survival drop significantly. We all remember Bill ‘Scabies’ Johnson’s tragic fall from Joey Ramone’s shoulders at the Richard Hell show in ‘82. They had to peel him off the floor,” said Clive Calloway. “If Mike wants to make it back alive, he has to get a good hold on the pins and patches of this behemoth’s battle jacket and pray there’s enough dirt on it for some good footing. One can only hope Mike did the recommended amount of whippets in order to keep going.”

Later, McCutchen was dealt a demoralizing blow after he thought he’d reached the top and saw he still had to climb the man’s liberty spikes.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending Our ‘Seasonal’ Depression Isn’t Full Blown Depression

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by, you’ve been enjoying the warmer weather, and you’ve listened to almost no music. That’s a crime in several states if you didn’t already know. Especially during springtime. Because your rap sheet is already pretty lengthy, we want to make sure you’re in the clear. Here are six songs we listened to this week that should help you avoid those costly court fees. Click here to listen while you read. We know your attention span is shot.

Cursive ‘Up And Away’

In case your saddest, most literary friend didn’t already tell you, Cursive has announced the follow-up to 2019’s excellent ‘Get Fixed.’ ‘Devourer,’ which is set to release in September, will be the band’s first effort in nearly half a decade, and it seemingly will be worth the wait. The deliriously dissonant and catchy lead single ‘Up And Away,’ marks a dazzling return to form while continuing to push the ever growing envelope of the group’s sound.

The Hope Conspiracy ‘Live In Fear’

Our office is currently being renovated. No, we didn’t really need an upgrade, it’s just that ever since Boston’s hardcore legends, The Hope Conspiracy, announced their first album in nearly two decades, at least half of our writers have been launching each other into the drywall. We would be angrier if the record didn’t fucking rip so hard. Welcome back, The Hope Conspiracy. We’ll send you the repair bill.

Petey ‘Home Alone House 2 feat. Owen’

As if last year’s stunner of an album, ‘USA,’ wasn’t enough to hold us over, singer-songwriter and internet sensation Petey is refusing to slow his roll. His latest, ‘Home Alone House 2,’ is a somber stroll through the trappings of youth that ultimately ends in hoping for some form of early onset dementia to ease the journey through adulthood and old age. When you get done being depressed as fuck, play it again to peep those harmonies.

Osees ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas’

At this point, we’re pretty sure John Dwyer is part of some weird government experiment that makes it impossible for him to not be recording a new album every second of every day. Less than a year after releasing the excellent ‘Intercepted Message,’ Osees have announced their 29th – yeah, you read that right – album, ‘SORCS 80.’ Along with the new announcement, they have dropped the disorienting ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas.’ The band is as chaotic as ever, and we are genuinely concerned. John, blink twice if you need assistance.

Illuminati Hotties ‘Didn’t’

Sarah Tudzin has had a busy couple of years offering production assistance to boygenius, Cloud Nothings, Speedy Ortiz, and likely way more than we’ve heard about. This frenetic schedule clearly hasn’t stopped her from crafting what we assume will be another masterpiece of an album under the Illuminati Hotties moniker. ‘Power,’ the follow-up album to 2022’s epic ‘Let Me Do One More’ promises to be another powerhouse with each single that is released. The latest, ‘Didn’t,’ features an assist from Cavetown, as well as truly gigantic guitars and even bigger earworm hooks. Try not to listen to it all day, you have work to do, probably.

The Offspring ‘Make It All Right’

There’s a hot new band making the rounds. The kids are calling them ‘The Spring’ which is short for ‘The Offspring.’ Perhaps we’re more out of touch than we previously thought, because this is the first we’re hearing of the California quintet. We doubt it’s the last however, because their latest single ‘Make It All Right’ is destined to be the song of the summer. Make sure to keep an eye out for these guys, because we have a feeling shit’s about to blow up for them!

Even though you just said ‘sick, I’ll check it out later,’ we know you better at this point. You have no intention of listening to any of these songs. Admit it. That’s why we created a playlist for you, so all you need to do is click here, and let the tunes roll. We update it every week too, so there’s no excuse not to have better taste from this point forward.

Five Tips To Make Your Adult League Teammates Be as Competitive and Angry as You

Posted on by Charles Bill

So you’ve signed up for an adult league of a sport. Maybe you played it in high school, maybe you are a big fan of the professional sport. All that you know is that you signed up to win, but your dumbass teammates want to have ‘fun’. Here are five tips to make your adult league teammates as competitive and angry as you.

Give a Patton-esque Pep-talk

The first thing you want to try with your complacent, weak teammates, is to motivate them the old-fashioned way: standing in front of a giant flag with a riding crop. The flag doesn’t necessarily need to be an American one, but if it isn’t, it definitely won’t work as well. Try to evoke a feeling of patriotism and good duty to your teammates, let it be known that the way to win a rec soccer game is by making that other son of a bitch die. You’ll come out of your presentation with a group of ravenous, blood-hungry patriots, ready to destroy some kickball.

Remind Them That They Joined An Adult Recreational League To Win, Not Have Fun

It’s very important that your teammates are in the same frame of mind as you: furious and obsessed with winning to a dangerous degree. You need to go to each and every teammate and remind them that they didn’t join to have a good time with friends, they joined to get irrationally pissed off over small calls that won’t matter in fifteen minutes. Implore them to remember that they’re here for victory, not the simple-minded concepts of bonding and entertainment.

Put A Ten-Thousand Dollar Bounty On Scoring

Admittedly to do this one, you must be quite wealthy. This tip is really quite simple: you tell your teammates that for every point they score they’ll receive a cashier’s check good for ten-thousand American dollars, or fifty-thousand Brazilian real. You’ll have to prove that you have the wealth to do it by sending it to one of your teammates. From then on, it’s a feeding frenzy. Your teammates will be fighting, throwing elbows, everything you ever wanted to see from your Quidditch teammates. Your approval is now an economy.

Frame The Opposing Team For Murder

You’re a competitive person. You play every game as if you’re avenging the death of your brother, so all you have to do is make your teammates play the same way. Kidnap one of your teammate’s loved ones, “Prisoners” style, and put them in a big pit in your backyard. Place the ‘murder’ weapon in one of the opposing team member’s home, and voila! Suddenly your team is fighting tooth and nail for the dub, and you’re loving it. After the fact, you can even release the person from your death pit. You will of course have to murder someone, but big deal, you’ve killed before.

Put Trace Amounts Of PCP In Their Water Bottles

Probably the most practical, and simple to pull off. Simply take a solution of 5% PCP 95% water, and fill a bunch of medical syringes with them. Go around to everyone’s water bottles, injecting the good stuff into them. At your pre-game huddle you suggest a toast of water to stay hydrated. Everyone drinks and next thing you know they’re ripping face and screaming at the opponents that they need to crawl back into their mother’s.