Mike Amory, Author at HARDTIMES

Tom Cruise Outruns Treadmill

Posted on June 1, 2026May 27, 2026 by S.L. Neechski

LOS ANGELES — Movie star and empty-smiler Tom Cruise achieved the seemingly impossible by outrunning a treadmill while training for his new film “Mission: Impossible – Electric Boogaloo,” out-of-breath sources confirmed.

“I’ve hung off the Burj Khalifa with a magic sticky glove and free solo’d a mountain, but outrunning a treadmill is unquestionably harder than any film stunt I’ve done,” stated Cruise, laughing vacantly. “It was one of those treadmills that Olympic speed-skaters use to train. The thing goes more than 30 miles an hour. Initially, I was wearing a safety line and keeping pace, but I noticed it was holding me back a bit, so I unhooked it, immediately accelerated, and just ran off the treadmill and kept going through the nearby wall. It was crazy.”

Longtime fan Steven Terrison commented on the importance of running to Cruise’s career.

“Whether or not he knew it, Tom Cruise has been training for this his whole life,” argued Terrison. “Most people who see him frantically running in movies, whether outrunning explosions or trying to catch a plane about to take off, probably thought it was pointless showmanship for the camera. It’s not. You gotta understand: when Tom Cruise is running, he’s not acting or playing a character. That’s Tom you see sprinting like a goddamn maniac for way longer than is possible for any human. And that’s because Mr. Cruise is the closest thing we have to a superhero. Ever seen him in the same room as Captain America? Didn’t think so.”

Kinesiologist Abigail Behling discussed how Cruise is still able to sprint that quickly in his 60s.

“To the average movie-goer, it might seem astonishing that Tom Cruise can still run like that,” illustrated Behling. “But it’s easily explained: he’s got a weird-looking six-pack and he’s able to run like a coked-up cheetah because he’s wealthy and famous, and it’s his job to be in that kind of ridiculous shape. And steroids. Lots of steroids. Beyond that, he does seem to defy some laws of physics and all aging. Maybe there’s something to this Scientology business, after all.”

At press time, Cruise also stated that his next goal is training to jump over the Grand Canyon on foot.

Homeowner Spends Entire Dinner Party Explaining Which Light Switches Guests Free To Use

Posted on May 31, 2026May 27, 2026 by Kevin Coutu

SEATTLE — Local homeowner Brandon Pike reportedly spent nearly the entirety of his dinner party Saturday night carefully explaining to guests which specific light switches they were and were not permitted to use, sources confirmed.

“Okay, so this first panel mostly controls the dining room lights, except for the bottom left switch, which actually turns on the garbage disposal for some reason,” Pike said while physically positioning guests near the entryway and gesturing toward a wall containing roughly fourteen identical switches. “This hallway dimmer is fine to use. These two control the herb and mushroom grow lights downstairs, so absolutely do not touch those under any circumstances. These go to the mini-splits, so don’t touch those, but it wouldn’t be a huge deal if you did, and the silver switch by the bathroom doesn’t technically do anything anymore, but I’d still prefer if people left it alone because I still feel like it changes something with the outdoor security lights somehow.”

Dinner guest Aaron Mills said he appreciated the detailed guidance despite remaining deeply anxious the entire evening.

“Honestly, by the end of the night I felt way more prepared,” Mills said. “It was a little overwhelming at first because every switch apparently controls either an appliance, a security feature, a specific lighting rig, or is just something Brandon described as ‘temperamental,’ but eventually I started understanding the system a bit better. I still spent most of the evening terrified I was going to accidentally shut down his garage freezer or trigger some kind of alarm, but if I ever come back I do think I’ll be less scared of getting yelled at at any moment by someone I once considered a close friend.”

Interior design consultant Vanessa Cho noted that maintaining this level of control is essential for homeowners to feel comfortable in their living space.

“A home is an intensely personal sanctuary where the homeowner’s comfort and sense of order are absolutely paramount,” Cho explained. “Keeping friends and family in a constant state of feeling like they may be in trouble at any given moment is an important part of preserving the atmosphere.”

At press time, Pike was reportedly beginning a separate detailed explanation regarding which bathroom towels were decorative and which closet doors were safe to open.

Opinion: I Don’t Care That He’s the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, This Is the Best Haircut I’ve Ever Had

Posted on May 31, 2026May 27, 2026 by Ben Friedman

I think many of us would agree that good customer service is hard to find in jolly London town, and even rarer is quality service. So yeah, sometimes I might look the other way if a business doesn’t have the squeakiest clean image, so long as I’m satisfied, because I’m not an uptight asshole. So you could only imagine how happy I was to finally find a barber who, while a little eccentric, didn’t leave my hair looking worse than when I entered the (immaculately clean) shop.

However, the same week I began seeing him, it came out that my new pal Sweeney Todd had been dubbed the “Demon Barber of Fleet Street” due to the fact that he methodically killed almost a dozen people. But frankly, I don’t give a shit because this is the best haircut I’ve ever had.

We’re allowed to reach our own conclusions, and last time I checked, personal experiences are subjective. So you can review bomb the barbershop all you want, I have never been less than blown away by his talent. And if he kills a few people here and there, call it collateral damage. Have you seen the way customers treat people in the personal care industry lately? Maybe if his other clients tipped as well as I did, they’d still have all their blood.

Everyone loves to talk about seeing grifters and corrupt judges getting their comeuppance, and then someone comes along and turns theory into practice, and everyone loses their minds because he doesn’t look like Luigi Mangioni. I mean, look at this perfect fade! Even the crazy old hag picking bones and rotten spuds out of trash cans across the street told me I looked handsome.

And for the record, I’ve also heard the rumors about Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies beneath Todd’s shop, and no, I haven’t eaten them, but damn do they smell good. Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t also be murdering and grinding up corpses if you had a goth baddie working below you. Speaking of which, she hasn’t been seen lately. I hope they didn’t break up.

Judge me all you want, but if I stopped seeing him, where would I go? Great Clips? Now that’s sick. Seriously, go see Sweeney Todd and tell him I sent you. He’ll get you right, and he’ll even sing for you. But maybe skip on paying extra for the shave.

Remote Worker at Show Catches Up on Emails During Band’s New Stuff

Posted on May 31, 2026May 27, 2026 by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Min. — Local remote employee Josh Donaldson was able to increase his productivity twofold while seeing one of his favorite bands by catching up on emails during their new material, other attendees have confirmed.

“I was trying to enjoy the show but all night I kept thinking about all the work I had waiting for me first thing in the morning. That is until the frontman announced the next song was from their new album and it dawned on me this would be the perfect opportunity to get a head start for tomorrow since I wouldn’t be missing anything on stage,” said Donaldson. “I’m finding it makes for pretty good background noise that’s keeping me focused on work. It’s not bad, but it’s not the music I listened to on repeat in college so I’m just gonna circle back on a few projects until they play something I used to listen to while getting blacked out in my dorm.”

Donaldson’s late night email blitz didn’t go unnoticed by his supervisor.

“That Josh sure is committed to his projects. It’s 9:15 p.m. and here he is firing off emails like it’s a Tuesday afternoon. They’re coming in spurts about 25 minutes apart for five minutes at a time, but who am I to break his balls about what he’s doing in his free time?” said Project Manager Phil Dunway. “I was a little confused when he posted and deleted a video in the Slack chat that looked like a blurry video of some rock band. I think it was from some early morning motivational seminar the way the guy with the microphone was just trying to hype up a lethargic crowd. Either way, his promotion is basically a done deal.

The headliner was not enthusiastic about Donaldson’s work ethic.

“We’ve all accepted that some of the crowd will be checked out during the new stuff, but they’re just straight up staring at their phones and opening Outlook. I thought people came here to escape work, but I see so many people in the crowd literally networking and even hopping on Zoom calls,” said Vagabond Spirits frontman Dean Watford. “One guy wanted to plug his laptop into our A/V rig to do a dry run of his PowerPoint presentation. Just go to the bathroom instead like a normal person, damn it!”

As of press time, Donaldson was able to complete a 30 slide pitch deck during the drummer’s solo.

Trump Administration To Institute Freedom 250 Draft

Posted on May 30, 2026 by Dan Katz

As musical acts continue to drop out of the “The Great American State Fair” concert series organized by Freedom 250, President Donald Trump has taken the extreme measure of instituting the Freedom 250 draft to replenish the featured performer ranks.

“Sleepy Joe Biden and Barack Hussein Obama weakened our force of patriotic musicians with their DEI policies,” said Mr. Trump while on his way to Walter Reed Medical Center. “We had a perfect lineup for Freedom 250 before the sick, nasty liberals poisoned the minds of the performers. With the draft, we will build an even more spectacular Freedom 250 concert – people tell me I should call it the Trump Freedom 250 – a beautiful concert, some would say more beautiful than the world has ever seen.”

While there are no restrictions on what musical artists are eligible to be selected in the Freedom 250 draft, additional weight is given to those who have not toured in the past 15 years and who last charted prior to Mr. Trump’s second marriage.

“I am excited to see our numbers swell to eight, even nine, able-bodied performers,” said Freedom 250 CEO, Keith Krach. “It could be anyone. Chris Gaines, Rockwell, the lead singer from The Heights, who knows? We do understand, though, that the draft is a solemn undertaking and that not all of those who are conscripted will make it home. Artists who make the ultimate sacrifice for their country will receive full honors and a slot in the playlist at a future Trump rally.”

U.S. Homeland Security advisor Stephen Miller believes the draft should have never ended in the first place.

“President Trump’s brilliant decision to reinstate the draft for Freedom 250 will return our nation to its rightful place as the world’s foremost musical superpower!” screamed Miller, pounding on his desk. “His power will not be questioned. Our musical culture will be preserved! We will retake the Freedom 250 stage, then Eurovision! The world will witness our country’s musical might!”

At press time, the members of Village People were still trying to determine if their draft card applied to one or all of them.

New Study Finds Gen Alpha Lacks Skills To Tie Belongings Up in Bandana Hanging From Stick Before Running Away From Home

Posted on May 30, 2026May 27, 2026 by Matthew Quinn Martin

ST. PAUL, Minn. — The Springvale Research Institute released an exhaustive peer-reviewed study revealing that those born between 2010 and 2024 have failed to acquire many necessary skills needed to tie up their most prized possessions in a bandana dangling from a stick and run away from home, sources report.

“While we still don’t have a definitive reason behind the phenomena, the data clearly shows a precipitous decline in bindlestiff acumen among this generational cohort,” said project leader Dr. Victor Strickland. “It’s not simply a matter of crafting a functional bundle. The choice of contents is also perplexing. Of course, history shows the most popular items are subject to change. Boomers favored harmonicas and pet rocks. Gen X, Rubik’s Cubes and their latch keys. Millennials, Pogs, Tomagotchi, and so on. But even the brightest of our Gen Alpha subjects only managed to bring along a bag of Takis and a mostly empty tub of Drunk Elephant. Many don’t even know what a bandana is. Our education system has failed us.”

Quoted in the study was seventh-grader Khaleesi-Michelle Szpak.

“How could I possibly run away from anything?” said Szpak. “My family’s got me on a lo-jack and puts out an amber alert the second I go off-grid. There are flock cameras on every street corner and the NSA has jacked into all the ring cams. The only place I could even hide is at school when they take your phone. God, I got so bored the other day that I snuck into the basement and read a book I found down there! Like an actual antique book from like 1998 about kids that turn into alien ducks or something. I think it was called ‘Morph the Cat.’”

Middle school vice principal Doug Sutter was all too aware of the alarming trend.

“Look, I’m 47. I’m either the one of the first Millennials or the last of Gen X. I know a little bit about generational change,” said Sutter. “Between COVID and Minecraft, these kids have had it rough. I’m willing to cut them a little slack. It’s the next generation I’m really worried about. Who’s going to be there to pass down all these cherished childhood experiences? And it’s not just the bandana thing. I’m talking riding BMX bikes until the lights come on. Playing D&D in tree forts. Drinking from the garden hose. Throwing flea-market ninja stars into the drywall. Finding a stack of dirty magazines in the woods next to an old mattress. And getting into BB gun fights.”

At press time, the new study also found that the number of lemonade stands nationwide is increasing among children, likely due to kids having to help pay for their siblings’ cancer treatment.

Opinion: Cutting Bangs is Not “Letting the Intrusive Thoughts Win” Unless You Do It With a Samurai Sword You Grabbed Off a Museum Wall Before Getting Tackled By Security

Posted on May 30, 2026May 27, 2026 by Arielle Andreano

Okay, folks. Gather round, because you’ve all been pissing me off, and it’s time we nipped this issue in the bud. I know every movie you’ve ever seen has depicted OCD as people washing their hands like they’re scrubbing in for a shift at Grey’s Anatomy Regional Hospital, and your only takeaway from your brief stint in therapy is that buzzwords are fun. But you have simply got to stop using “intrusive thoughts” until you know what the fuck it means. Don’t worry, I’m here to help you.

Everyone thinks intrusive thoughts are cute until they learn that instead of texting your ex and cutting your hair, it’s really more of ‘What if I fucked my dog’ or ‘Should I stab my husband while chopping vegetables?’ I’ll take you through a brief but illuminating rundown so you can avoid looking like you have an ass for a hat.

Intrusive thoughts are distressing images that are often taboo in nature and counter to the morals and value system of the individual having them. Didn’t think you’d actually learn something, did you?

Cutting bangs could really never be an actual intrusive thought, but since I’m being generous, I’ve come up with this scenario for you. If you’re a rule follower who hates getting in trouble and you were walking through a museum with a new friend, you might have an intrusive thought that manifests as you imagining yourself taking a Samurai sword off the wall and slicing your hair into bangs before getting tazed and tackled by the museum version of Paul Blart as he called for backup from actual cops.

It could also be a katana, an ax, or a broadsword, depending on what kind of museum is closest to you. If you let this intrusive thought win, you would end up with bangs, but you’d also be in jail, and your friend would have lost a hand trying to stop you.

Now that you know better, you can go back to referring to cutting bangs the proper way: a misguided idea. You don’t have the right bone structure. Do some long curtain bangs, if you simply must.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a cop at this coffee shop, and his gun has my hand’s name on it.

Report: Art Garfunkel Still Getting Ass From 1966’s ‘Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme’

Posted on May 30, 2026May 27, 2026 by Jeff Bender

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Octagenarian Art Garfunkel is not only alive and well but “still reeling in the ass, possibly now more than ever” thanks to “Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme,” the album he recorded with Paul Simon almost 60 years ago, aroused sources reported.

“Every time I go out now, I know I’m just priming the pump, and by ‘pump,’ holy smokes, I guess I mean ass!—the ass I’m getting after the show!” said the 84-year-old Manhattan resident. “Sometimes I have two groupies before the show, one right before the encore—‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’—and two after the show. And this is before I go back to the hotel and play ‘ass roulette’ with all the room keys I’ve collected. I just stick my hands in my pockets and sing, ‘Sittin’ in the railway station / got a ticket for my destination / mm mm mm.’ By the third ‘mm,’ I know who’s DTF.”

Even fans who’d assumed Garfunkel was dead admitted to his seductive power and the weakness they felt upon entering the concert hall.

“I thought I was going to hear an old geezer sing songs that don’t matter anymore,” said 61-year-old Donna Feinbaum of Beebe, Arkansas. “But you get there and see all the people lined up just for this one man, and he starts singing and you realize he has a need that must be met. And suddenly, you’re lucky to get a shot with him. ‘Tell her to make me a cambric shirt / Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.’ That makes me really horny. And I don’t even know what it means.”

Simon expressed amazement but not surprise at his old partner’s antics.

“Art’s very sexual—and extremely kinky. When we were in our 20s, he got rejected a lot, but, let’s just say he’s figured it out,” said Simon from his ranch in Texas, where he lives with Edie Brickell. “Who knows how? He doesn’t write the songs. He doesn’t play an instrument. He just stands there and sings and collects ass like grapes in a colander. I’ll text him about rehearsing and he’ll get back to me a week later. ‘Sorry, dude. Hands full. Eggplant emoji. Tongue emoji. Hang loose emoji.’ Nobody wants a reunion tour more than I, but I guess we have different priorities.”

Meanwhile in London, the other guy from Wham! is still leveraging “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” to sneak into select orgies.

Trump Promises To End Iran War on Day One of Third Term

Posted on May 29, 2026May 29, 2026 by Cam Berkowitz

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decisively announced that he will be ending the conflict in Iran on the first day of his third term in office, after months of frequently changing timelines, confirmed sources.

“The losers in the fake news media keep asking me ‘Trump! Trump! When are you going to end this horrible war in Iran that was started by Joe Biden?’ Who, by the way, was a disaster of a president, the worst president this country has ever seen. Well the Dummycrats maybe don’t like to hear it, but I will end this war on day one when I’m president for a third term,” President Trump said. “Yes, Sleepy Joe Biden couldn’t end this war in four years, but I will end it between breakfast, which will be McDonald’s, and lunch—also McDonald’s—on my first day, after I am elected for my next term. ‘Elected,’ that’s a funny word. Kind of an old fashioned word, I feel like nobody uses ‘elected’ anymore.”

President Trump’s supporters overwhelmingly remain devoted to him after learning that the global conflict—which has killed thousands and sent gas prices soaring—will continue until January 20, 2029.

“I thank the Lord every day that we have a president like Mr. Trump in the White House for decades to come,” said Marshall Horrigan, a self-described “Turbo MAGA” who voted for Trump four times, including once in the 2000s when he wasn’t even running for office. “When he says he’s gonna end the Kamala Harris Iran War on day one of his third term, he’s gonna end the Kamala Harris Iran War on day one of his third term! Those terrorists better think twice if they think they’re gonna get to keep those nukes that Kamala gifted to them.”

At today’s White House press briefing, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was asked to elaborate on the announcement.

“The president has been very busy doing what he does best, making deals, and he has assured us that he is right on track to close a very big deal to end the horrible conflict in Iran well ahead of schedule,” said Leavitt. “In fact, the president plans to end the Barack Obama Iran War in no more than 24 hours after he is inaugurated into his third term as President of the United States. No president has ever been able to accomplish this much winning in just a single day of their third term.”

At press time, President Trump had just teed off at Trump International Golf Club’s 15th hole, before stating that he planned on ending Social Security benefits on day one of his fourth term.

Mountain Goats Release Album About Mountain Goats Albums

Posted on May 29, 2026May 28, 2026 by Dan Rice

HURLEY, N.Y. — In the latest of a long string of niche concept albums exploring various cultural microcosms, The Mountain Goats have released a new album inspired by the albums of the renowned indie rock band The Mountain Goats.

“I was reading at this cool coffee shop, and they were playing all these Mountain Goats records, and I just thought, ‘Hey, these are fun, I should write an album about these!’” recalled Mountain Goats founder and singer John Darnielle. “Some might view it as narcissistic or self-indulgent, but honestly, I’ve written so many damn songs at this point that half of them feel like someone else wrote them anyway, so I felt like I could write about the source material with full objectivity.”

The album, simply titled “Mountain Goats” and featuring songs like “God Damn God Damn These Vampires,” “The Best Ever Song About The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton,” and “John Darnielle Screams ‘I Hope You Die,’” is already being hailed by fans as some of the band’s best work in years.

“I just love Darnielle’s ability to mine lyrical gold out of all these cool little subcultures,” commented longtime Mountain Goats fan Cindy Portello. “If you asked me to write a song about an album about wrestlers, I wouldn’t know what to do, but the one he wrote on this album reads like a goddamn novel! And it’s catchy!”

The album has also drawn glowing praise from a number of prominent music critics.

“With this album, The Mountain Goats have managed to capture the entire scope of the albums of The Mountain Goats,” wrote music critic Harold Luvtree. “From the bombastic ‘John Darnielle is Writing About Charlie Sheen Today’ to the somber and meditative ‘Wurster Plays the Drums,’ the full spectrum of the listening to The Mountain Goats experience is present, joyous, and alive on this record.”

A limited edition promotional bumper sticker reading “I Only Listen to The Mountain Goats The Mountain Goats” can currently be found on the band’s merch store.

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